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The Saga Ends

This blog originally started with me overcoming my OCD.

Then it evolved into getting over an abusive relationship.

I haven’t posted since I last spoke to him. So it seems fitting on today, the day in which my Fred saga ends, that I wish my official farewell to this blog.

I have changed throughout this blog…. and the thing is… I’m no longer defined by my OCD. I’m not over it at all, but it doesn’t control my life anymore.

I’m no longer defined by Fred. Am I over Fred? I wish I could say that I am… but somehow memories of him still haunt me… but he doesn’t control my life anymore. But today… this haunting… is one step closer to ending.

Fred is moving away from the area of the US I call my home. He is moving away and, due to the fact that he is taking up with the military, won’t have communication with the outside world beyond letters. I moved from where he knew me to live, so he can’t contact me there via postal service.

I don’t have to fear that one day I will wake up hearing from him, knowing that I have very fragile strength to resist him. Knowing that once again I will fall into his trap due to an unexplainable and extremely toxic connection. I’m relieved he is leaving, but i’m soooo incredibly heartbroken for reasons I can’t explain.

Maybe its more over the sadness of a chapter finally closing or the sadness of a lack of drama that will now be in my life (b/c we all know i’m a drama queen).

I don’t love him. But yet i’m feeling all these feels….

I just have to get through tonight… and then the Fred Saga will be over…

Thanks to all of you who have listened to me complain and whine about my boy issues and my OCD.

But I”m ready to move on now.

Although it hurts so bad for reasons I can’t explain, I’m closing one chapter and going to the next.

“Gravity”

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

All the feels

Sleep is one of the few places I can go to where I’m allowed to stop feeling. Yes, sometimes my dreams betray me and bring all my feelings forcefully and vividly to the forefront of all my thinking and fears, but most of the time my dreams are silly and funny or my sleep is completely dreamless.

Yes I am really tired all the time and yes sleep is one way to fix that problem… but sleep is also the one place where I don’t have to worry about the twilight I find myself. Sleep gives me an escape from feeling all the feels.

I know why I’m feeling more down than usual, I had a wonderful and long weekend with Max, so of course I’m going through withdrawals of him. lol. I know most people are usually tired of said friend after they spend such a long period with them, but not me. I always have this problem when leaving some of my closes friends, especially Riley, I just feel sad that I’m no longer with that individual. I guess it has to do with how long its been since I last seen them. It is always terribly hard for me to let Riley go, since I see her maybe once a year.

But I guess that is why I am feeling all the feels. One moment I was blissfully happy and now I’m just sad I’m not with him. I think it is kinda like a sugar crash… really hyper and then you crash. So instead of feeling all this… there is nothing more that I want to do than sleep. Because when I’m sad about one thing, it makes me sad about everything else in my life. I need to sleep. Sleep so I can stop thinking. Sleep so I can stop feeling lonely. Sleep so I can stop feeling confused and insecure. Sleep so that I can think of only the good things in my life prior to falling into sleep. Sleep so I can wake up on the other side of the day and forget all that is on my mind.

That probably isn’t healthy though… so I need to allow myself to feel what I feel and not shy away from it.

Easier said than done though.

On a side note… Max did the cutest and sweetest thing over the weekend that made me feel so cared for:

Since we were staying at this place, out of respect for his roomies and to reassure them nothing more was going on then what is, I slept in a separate bedroom. He knew I would be sad not to get to snuggle with him, so he brought me his pillow that is shaped like a panda bear to snuggle with all night. It was the sweetest gesture ever. I can’t even express how much it melted my heart. Max also has this way of kissing me that is so sweet and innocent (as in the I want YOU manner and not the I want your body way) that takes my breathe away.

So I guess I’ll think of that for now and try not not dwell on the sad feels.

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

I’m Done

I’m done.

I don’t know how to be done but I’m completely and utterly done.

Why do you have to keep lying to me?? Why can’t you just leave me alone??

So I mentioned Fred in my last post. I didn’t mention all of what happened, because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he basically told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to me was because his girlfriend (the girl he started dating exclusively one week after he “officially” ended things with me) had broken up with him and he “missed me.”

The whole entire time he was trying to get me to let him see me, but I kept refusing. After I told him I couldn’t even have a business relationship with him (b/c apparently he was trying to do that) because it hurt too much to talk to him he said “Whatever, I am done with the drama” so I reblocked him.

Turns out… that girlfriend who dumped him? Yea she didn’t dump him… they are still together…

I only find this out b/c instead of FB giving a blank picture to someone you have blocked but still have messages from (I wanted to keep them around to remind me how horrible of a person he was), they keep their profile picture now. And guess who changed his profile picture to his romantic valentines dinner with her??

WHY??? Why did he contact me?? Why did he lie about that?? WTF????

Seriously was I only ever sex to you??? Is she not giving you any so that is why you had to reach out to me??

How can you be like that?? How can someone like you exist??

I’m happy now. I have Max… so PLEASE stop haunting me. PLEASE leave me alone. I don’t even want the ghost of you to  have any more control or effect on me.

JUST LEAVE ME BE…..

 

 

 

….please.

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Waiting and Broken

In the twilight I sat
Waiting for my hero to be just that…

i know that in this feminist society that I live.. I shouldn’t be waiting for a hero… i can be my own hero and even above that Jesus is my hero…

but still here I find myself waiting… always waiting…

what am I waiting for exactly?

Waiting for myself to have more energy to deal with life.
Waiting to find out what my passions are in order to make my life about them.
Waiting for his apology.
Waiting for him to realize what he did to me.
Waiting to no longer be broken.

Thats what it comes down to I think. My brokenness. And I cant blame that on Fred. I was broken before he met me… he just made other pieces of me that had been spared from being broken to finally meet the same ending as the others…

I’m not as broken as I once was. I find myself randomly piecing myself together… but sometimes… like today… it appears that the glue that i used to piece myself back together has unhinged.

or maybe my resolve to piece myself back together isn’t enough….

I don’t want to remember him anymore… but I dont want to forget him either…I dont want him to forget me… how tragic it would feel if he did…

But how do I make myself no longer broken?

Physically I am broken… I broke my ankle 9 months ago and due to complications with it I broke my other foot three months ago… and apparently the doctors doubt it will ever completely heal and that i will always have a fracture there…

Is that what I should expect for my heart as well? Will it always have a slight break in it? Will it never be whole?

If my body wont heal how am I supposed to expect my heart to heal? Especially when I gave pieces of my heart away willingly.

What am I supposed to do? Just keep waiting until Im healed?

I’ve been told that through exercise that I might be able to get the blood flowing correctly into that part of my foot so that it will eventually heal… but for some reason my doctor wont give me a script for physically therapy… and im terrified to exercise it myself… b/c what if i make it worse than it already is? I’m terrified of re-breaking it…

How does one exercise their heart to make it heal? find things bigger than any person to love would be my answer… but… I can still break my heart that way… what if my OCD gets the best of me and I cant make the difference that I so desperately want to make? Not only would that re-break my heart but I would be more than terrified that it would destroy my heart…

So I continue to find myself.. siting here… broken… just waiting to no longer be broken…sitting in the twilight.. desperatly hoping that is the day on the horizon..waiting for a hero to show me how to heal myself physically and emotionally… but…

I’m alone in the twilight… just…

…waiting.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway…

Frozen.

I don’t know how many times I’ve written in this blog or talked to my friends about feeling “frozen”… having a cold heart.. unable to warm… unable to feel…. but yet there is nothing I want more than to thaw out what is frozen…

I’ve never loved and hated a movie as much as I love and hate the movie Frozen. I’ve been putting off writing about it for a couple months now, because I still don’t know how to articulate how incredibly connected I feel to this movie and how much I hate Disney’s happy ending to this story. But I’m sorry Disney… the happy ending that you created was too unreal. It doesn’t matter that their was magically talking creatures in this movie or the power of an individual to create snow… no the most unrealistic aspect was the end.

… I am Elsa…8208481_6221277_b

Never in my life have I been able to identify with a character to the degree that I identify with Elsa. No I do not have the ability to magically make snow and ice appear, but I too was born with a gift that was misunderstood and became feared.

I’m not sure how presumptuous this makes me, but I have always felt that my greatest gift that I was born with was my ability to care and empathize with all that I meet. My parents have told me that they saw this gift within me even from a young age. I had such a loving heart towards everyone I met.

I don’t know how statically accurate this following statement is, but those who have been diagnosed with OCD  are usually those individuals who care most about others. Today, most of my OCD revolves around my fear of doing something that hurts others (whether physical or emotional), because I care too much.

Because of my “power” to care for others, I “developed” what I’ll call a “side effect”… my OCD… fearing too much for myself and for others. I couldn’t go to bed at night without ensuring I did certain rituals to ensure that I and my family didn’t die in the night… my parents knew there was something wrong with me… but like Elsa’s parents they begged me to hide it.

Elsa- “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know. But it’s only for today.”

That could have been my life’s mantra. I had to conceal… I had to put on a show… so that no one but my family would know their was something wrong with me. And like Elsa… I had to hide my hands… I didn’t wear gloves (that would raise more questions in our society), but I couldn’t reveal my bloody dry hands… I couldn’t let people see my rituals… it would take away from everyone’s view that we had a perfect family.

In fact, growing up I was able to conceal it so well… that except during OCD moments (hand washing, freaking out and doing rituals while going up escalators, freaking out in large buildings (such as churches, movie theaters, and malls), freaking out if I didn’t pet the dog in a certain pattern, freaking out when driving, freaking out about failing, freaking out about not being perfect)… I convinced MYSELF there was nothing wrong with me.

The biggest reminders though would be when my middle sister (who is completely Anna in this situation) would want to “build a snowman” and I would shut the door in her face. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that might make the OCD reveal itself… and it would hurt her sooo deeply.

Anna: Elsa?

Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore, come out the door It’s like you’ve gone away

We used to be best buddies and now were not I wish you would tell me why
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman

Elsa: Go away Anna
Anna: Okayy bye…

Once we got to college the OCD became worse… but my sister was occasionally able to coax me away from my room and build a snowman… but these were rare occurrences….

I can’t tell you the amount of times I thought about running away just like Elsa… how better my life would be… and in fact in some ways I did run away… I ran away to my isolated places… b/c I knew that if I was alone I couldn’t hurt anyone… just like Elsa… she ran away so she wouldn’t hurt anyone…

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

While this song seems so incredibly empowering, it makes my heart break… because this moment of empowerment is all based on the fact that she will be lonely forever.

“The cold never bothered me anyway”= “Being alone never bothered me anyway.”

While she loves her beautiful gift to make beautiful ice and snow, she still hates it… its what keeps her away from others… it is what keeps her separate and different… it is what keeps her alone… I love my gift for caring for others… but I care so much that it sets off my chemical imbalance… so I rather be alone… so I can care for others from afar… so they don’t have to risk anything being near me.

It is like this whole song is her being in awe and amazed at what she can do and using it to convince herself that loneliness won’t be terrible… and that she will be ok… but there isn’t much worse than being completely alone… don’t get me wrong… I need days to be by myself… to recharge… after all I am an introvert… but I know most of my loneliness (especially before I finally started therapy 2.5 years ago) is self inflicted… and I really don’t want to be lonely.

Anna: You don’t have to protect me, I’m not afraid!

Anna:
Please don’t shut me out again,
Please don’t slam the door
You don’t have to keep your distance anymore

‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I finally understand
For the first time in forever,
We can fix this hand in hand

We can head down this mountain together
You don’t have live in fear
‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I will be right here

Elsa:Anna

Elsa:
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates

Anna: Yeah, but –

Elsa: I know

Elsa:
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free
Just stay away and you’ll be safe from me

Anna (Elsa):
Actually we’re not (What do you mean you’re not?)
I get the feeling you don’t know (What do I not know?)
Arendelle’s in deep, deep, deep, deep snow

Elsa: What?!

Anna: You’ve kind of set off an eternal winter.. everywhere

Elsa: Everywhere?

Anna: Well, it’s okay, you can just unfreeze it

Elsa: No, I can’t, I – I don’t know how!

Anna: Sure you can! I know you can!

Anna (Elsa):
‘Cuz for the first time in forever, (I’m such a fool, I can’t be free)
You don’t have to be afraid (No escape from the storm inside of me)
We can work this out together (I can’t control the curse)
We’ll reverse the storm you’ve made (Anna, please! You’ll only make it worse!)

Don’t panic (There’s so much fear)
We’ll make the sun shine bright (You’re not safe here)
We can face this thing together (No!)
We can change this winter weather
And everything we’ll be – (I can’t!)

Even after others found out about what was wrong with me… they felt like they understood and that they could help me… and to a large degree… I am MUCH better because of the support of all those around me… but this gets to my issue with the unrealistic ending of this movie… there is no escape from the storm inside of me… and I have so much fear… yes my once severe OCD is barely present and mild at its worse now… but I can’t control it… and I fear relapse soooo much… and even with others all around me… leaving my isolation “hand in hand”… it doesn’t make the fear go away.

The end of Frozen… Elsa realized that it was “love” that would melt the snow and ice. It was love that set her free. It was love that made her realize that her “curse” was a “gift”… all of a sudden she was able to melt everything and use her power for fun and good.

I find this so incredibly unrealistic.

Elsa would have still feared her power. Yes… she realized how to control it… but what happens when she is angry or hurt? Will she be able to control it then? She would be afraid… she would still have moments when all she wanted was to isolate herself from others… yes love is powerful… but so is fear… and her fear wouldn’t go away. Yes people now understood what she would go through at times… but what would happen if they made her upset and she accidentally hit someone with ice… like she did to Anna? Now that Anna knows what can happen… still doesn’t mean they won’t get in fights… or Elsa won’t have a “trigger” moment… accidents can still happen… it was an “accident” that froze Anna’s heart… how would Elsa ensure that an accident didn’t happen again?

Everything wouldn’t be perfect… it would still be an uphill battle…

Unless I’m missing something?

Is my battle supposed to be over?

Love conquerers all… and I felt the love from family and friends since “I came out” (so to speak) about my mental illness… but even though all they give to me is love… I still fear myself…

I mean on a day to day basis I usually feel pretty good and love life… but I still need to run up my north mountain and be away. My happily ever after still hasn’t been reached… fear is still present…

I will always hate my frozen heart.. even thought it is what i use to protect others from me and to protect myself… yet I will always want it to be completely melted so that I can care for others the way that I was meant to… the way I was gifted to.

But you know what? The cold… the loneliness… it never bothered me anyway…

…. where is my happy ending? how do I make the fear go away to get it?

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Spinning Arrow

A New Year is once again upon us. We can begin a new… chasing our dreams… pursuing our goals…

I know what I’m running away from… or I guess the better phrasing would be: I know what direction I am not going…

But beyond that?

I don’t know.

I have no other direction…

I’m a spinning arrow and I can’t figure out which way points north….

How am I supposed to know which way to go?

Perhaps it would be better to stay where I am… to stay still… until the arrow stops spinning…or maybe I should just move forward whether I know if it is the correct direction or not…

I just don’t want to move backwards from where I came from.. but if the arrow is constantly spinning how do I ensure I don’t go backwards?

I don’t know.

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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