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My sad sad life…

I’m seriously the most confused individual… I received a sign today about what I should do with my life… Its obviously a sign… but what on earth is it indicating???

So… today… I had a meeting at 11:30am with the grad advisor of my program… thinking about it all week and talking it over today with my therapist I was decided that this was going to be my last semester.

I was completely decided. I knew this was the choice I was going to make. I was scared to death… scared I was making the wrong choice… scared that I would still have to go to the field… scared that they would convince me to stay…

I had an appointment at 10:00am with my therapist to talk it through. We did. My decision was made.

I left for my 11:30am meeting to talk with my advisor. I was going down the steps on the subway… to be honest I was looking down at my phone reading an email… I don’t really know what happened except that I missed a step and fell forward/sideways… I heard a crack…

A kind man going down the stairs stayed with me to ensure I was ok… I wasn’t ok but I was trying to pretend that I was b/c I couldn’t have broken anything… I have never broken a bone in my life… it was just a sprain… I had to get to school for my meeting…a person who works for the subway system heard my fall and asked if I needed the paramedics… I kindly refused… refusing to believe I needed them… continuing down the stairs and getting to a bench… i almost passed out… but I thought it was just bc I had strained myself…

The subway finally came and as I walked onto the subway my vision completely went away… I could still walk but I couldn’t see anymore and I knew I was about to pass out… I almost sat on someone b/c I was just going for where I hoped there was a seat… people realized there was something wrong with me… they asked me if I was ok and where my stop was so they could ensure I got off at the right place…

I got off the subway at school… and I just knew I couldn’t walk anymore… I sat on a bench… called my roommate and told her what had happened… it would be awhile til she could get to me so I decided to get an ambulance… I flagged down a nice looking undergrad boy to go ask a subway personal to call the paramedics… the stranger boy was so kind… and stayed with me until the subway personal came and the paramedics… I wish I would have gotten his name so I could thank him…

but anyway… my first ambulance ride… get taken to the hospital… spend most of the day there… my roommate comes to my aid thankfully… after several xrays and a ct scan… it was determined that I broke my talus (the first foot bone that connects to your long bones)… and that a piece of my bone was sticking 2mm up…

So now… I’m in a non permanent cast until I can get casted on Monday… its going to take 6-8 weeks to heal… I def can’t go to Mexico now considering I was supposed to go in 4 weeks…

But this happened right before I was supposed to quit? Is that saying that I shouldn’t quit and that my prayers are being answered now that I have a legit excuse to not go into the field? Or does it mean I just need to tell my school “Fuck it I’m done” (excuse the language)… b/c I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get to and from school… Its a 30min to 45 min commute that requires lots of walking… and places with no elevators… and I have to walk all over campus… how on earth am I going to do that on crutches??

So obviously… this happened… and this happened for a reason… but what on earth does it mean?????? What was the odds that the first time I ever broke a bone would be the day I was going to change my life??? Its so hilariously sad… but I don’t know what it means!!!!!

My life seriously needs to be a comedic drama…

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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A long week

So this week has been rather long… it was actually long starting on Monday… and considering that is basically the first day of the week… that says something..

So to quickly summarize my week

(1) Worried about BF b/c he got his appendix taken out
(2) Pulled an all nighter Sunday night for a huge paper that I had due on Monday… pretty sure I didn’t do well on that paper considering that what I wrote about didn’t actually fit the topic…
(3) Forgot that I had a presentation in a class until Monday at 6:00am… after only 1.5 hours of sleep
(4) struggled through the morning to get ready to present by 10am… did pretty bad… not horrific… but like when i was presenting I couldn’t read my own notes… which isn’t good
(5) Went home to take a nap prior to pulling second all nighter to finish a project for the next day and couldn’t sleep at all…
(6) No motivation for project…
(7) BF broke up with me bc he said my feelings were too strong for him and his weren’t close enough… said we could be friends… not having slept in 36 hours I quickly got off the phone with him (seriously it was like a 45 second phone call) so that he didn’t hear me break down in hysterical sobs
(8) Hysterical sobs for a couple of hours
(9) Attempted to work on project
(10) Accidentally cried myself to sleep
(11) Had to teach the next morning… ended up letting my class out after only 15 minutes b/c I was afraid of hysterical sobs during class
(12) Spent the next 4 hours hysterically working on my project… my only motivation was fear of being humiliated in front of my class (b/c the project was a lecture)
(13) Somehow survived lecture… but def didn’t do too hot considering I didn’t practice it at all, so I didn’t time it, so I was afraid of going over, so I talked about a million miles an hour
(14) Shopped… shopping always makes me feel better… and it did but only for the time that I was shopping
(15) Got home… cried some more
(16) tried to sleep but failed (which is really saying something b/c usually when I’m upset I just sleep… but I was so upset that I was crying which is like a 10 on the 1 to 10 upset scale… b/c I never cry)
(17) watched titanic… tried to drown my sorrows in icecream… actually didn’t work… I actually couldn’t eat all my icecream! I’m not sure if that has ever happened before
(18) and then finally at like midnight fell asleep
(19) had to wake up at 6 am for class… didn’t wake up til 7am… rushed to school and got to class 15 minutes late
(20) and now I’m sitting here typing instead of preparing for next class that I have in 30 minutes that I didn’t read for at all…

AND to top it all off… before ANY of this crap happened… over the weekend I decided that I was going to have a final decision about my future in academia by Friday. Like I already made an appointment to talk to the graduate advisor of my program… all my email says was that I wanted to talk about my “academic career”… which could just mean I want to talk to him about my trajectory… but really I think its going to be the “this is my last semester” talk…

And its going to break my heart… yes I realize that I truly need to get out of academia its not good for my health… but academia is me… and without it who am I? I don’t know…

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Decisions, Decisions

So yes… I am partly writing this post in order to avoid doing work… but also because I need to figure things out…

In a month and ten days I leave for field work… and I am terrified…

It was the last time I was doing field work (Summer 2011) that made my manageable OCD become severe… it was during field work that I realized that I no longer wanted to live (when my OCD was bad… not now… I def want to live now)… it was during fieldwork that my world fell apart… not that it had really been together… I mean the year before was really manageable (Fall 2010- Spring 2011), actually it was pretty great… but I must admit even though I didn’t know what it was then the year (Spring 2009- Fall 2009) before my good year my OCD was moderate/severe… and thinking about it… it was worse when I was doing field work…

I’ve actually only had one pretty good OCD free field work experience (Spring 2010)… well actually two if you count another time but it was only for two weeks and it wasn’t the aggressive kind of field work I normally do…

but this time around I will only be doing a week or two of the aggressive kind of field work… but its during the less aggressive field work of Summer 2011 that my OCD reached its peak of badness…

Sorry for all the talking in circles… it would be SO much better if I could just describe to yall what I actually did… but my academic field is too small and I fear being discovered lol

Its just my OCD has been really good… I mean in part it might be because of all the drama that has been happening in my life which has been distracting the OCD brain… but I just don’t want to chance it…

My therapist and I started talking about this on Thursday…

and man did my OCD go wild of thinking of all the things that could happen in the field… like it got to the point where my therapist and I were laughing about it… it went something like this..

“And what if I have to throw a battery out while there because its explodes? but you can’t throw batteries out down there because it will leak into the ground and get into the water… and yea it would be a small battery and wouldn’t hurt anyone… but maybe it would cause someone to get cancer! and it would be all my fault that someone would get cancer! and this area is really poor so like they wouldn’t be able to get any treatment… and they would die from a horrible disease just b/c I came down there and my battery exploded!”

and it just kind of goes on and on..

I mean part of me feels like I just need to get back on the horse… but… as my therapist pointed out… sometimes people aren’t ready to get back up on the horse and they try and just make it extremely worse…

I’m scared… I’m scared of getting there and realizing I can’t be there and having to come back… because that would also mean I’m totally done in this field… there would be no return for academia because you can’t have that without the field work… they go hand in hand…

I’m so scared of quitting though… I don’t know what to do with my life if I quit… I don’t know who I am if I quit… I’ve been chasing after this dream since the third grade… I have a 6 page Curriculum Vitae!

I’m also realizing that I am scared of what happens if everything is good during field work? And there is no OCD freak outs? Does that mean I need to continue in this field? Does that mean I’m supposed to be in academia?

I’m scared of continuing… I’m scared of quitting… I’m scared of not knowing…

I’m scared…

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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