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Last week…

So last week was Fred and I’s anniversary… On September 4, 2012 he started talking to me…

For my few friends who read this you may or may not be surprised at the fact that I let Fred see me again a few days before our anniversary and the day after (I know so stupid!! you don’t have to yell at me! I’m yelling at myself!).

There is no explanation of why I allowed him to see me. I knew one thing would lead to another as always… I mean that is the only reason that he came to see me. But my indescribable draw towards him allowed him back in… just for two nights…

While the time I have with him is always so happy, the moment he leaves me I’m left with less of myself than before… so incredibly sad and broken.

But this ‘boy’ has taken up a year of my life… I won’t let him have anymore of it. I refuse. I’m done. The tiny bit of happiness he gives me isn’t worth the pain that he also gives me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of not being whole.

I’m stronger now than I use to be and I won’t let him back in. The master manipulator is gone forever from my life.

It is wrong that someone like him can have such power over my life. He held my heart in his hands and he did not treat it as precious… in fact he destroyed it.

But hearts, they are supposed to resilient, aren’t they? I won’t let him have power over me any more. I will take the remains of my heart back and what will come out of it will be more beautiful than it was before.

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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Changed Life

Well guys… its been almost a month… it has been only 15 day though since I’ve started my new life… and my life is soooo incredibly different… and I absolutely love it!!!

I have soooo much to update you guys on!! but where to begin???? Sorry I haven’t written in so long! I’ve been trying to get my new footing and it has left me extremely exhausted in the evenings! Even too exhausted to write!! But I promise! Cross my heart that I will update everyone on all the happiness that now fills my life!!! (and I am happy without a guy!! seriously!… well I wouldn’t mind at all to have a bf… particularly ex-bf back… but whatever I can be happy without a bf because look at me I’m happy now!!)

But anyway! Expect lots of posts in the days to come!!

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I miss you…

I miss you so much… but I’m so incredibly glad you were in my life for the short time that you were. The happiness you brought me allows me to be thankful and smile through my wounded heart.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The worst kind of betrayal…

I have just recently experienced the worst kind of betrayal… and from whom you may ask?

My subconscious…

Seriously… laugh! b/c I am sorta laughing… but it is just so wrong…

When I am upset… USUALLY… I don’t cry… (this has proved false lately though)… instead I just sleep… I sleep the world away… because in my dreams I can pretend like everything is ok…

but it absolutely is sooo wrong when your dreams not only pretend like everything is ok but make what you sooooo desperately long for come true… but only in the dream. So when you wake up thinking that your dreams became reality and then realize it was only a dream… its a bit of a rude awakening… causing tears to pour out of one’s eyes…

Sigh…

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Best Friends

I seriously have the best friends in the whole entire world. I seriously may not have been blessed in terms of romantic relationships… but I am extremely EXTREMELY blessed in friendships.

I have four best friends. Like I’m in all seriousness going to be best friends with them forever best friends. They are the family I have chosen for myself. So to make this easier to talk about I shall name them (names I’ve made up not their real names). And they are listed 1-4 with 1 being the one I’ve known the longest and the fourth the one I’ve known the shortest but that does not at all make a difference in our friendship… there is no friendship hierarchy amongst them. I love them all so much :). All of them are from completely different phases of my life but from the time we have met until now they have never “phased out.” They have always been there and will always be there… no matter how stupid and crazy I am at times :P.

1. Riley- I’ve known Riley since the 7th grade… we haven’t always been best friends… in fact we have been sworn enemies on several occasions. But she represents much of my past. She was there for all the awkward phases of growing up and all the emotional roller coaster of the present. I can’t even describe to you why we are best friends…we are completely and utterly totally different people… I’m pretty sure if you saw us together you would be like “They are friends in general?”… but I really think its more of an emotional/spiritual thing…we have very different shells… but very closely linked inward souls… we are very much connected and attuned to each other. Its like when we are together we have our own language and way of being in general… no one can follow any of our conversations (usually just b/c of the sheer history and the speed at which we are talking) and no one can really understand the extreme emotional bond we have.

2. Sarah- (who I have mentioned once when she was getting married) I’ve known since senior year of high school… I love this girl so much… she was the girl who was always there to get me into trouble, but to also get me out of trouble :). Sarah and I were both outcasts in the second high school I attended (her third high school I believe) because we had not lived in that town our whole lives. Our outcastedness originally brought us together, but something much deeper kept us together. While most people think of “yin and yang” when they imagine to opposites together… I’ve always pictured us more as a hurricane (I know weird analogy but stay with me lol). She is the first part that hits someone… she is the extroverted craziness that people are somewhat expecting and are somewhat appealed too… by the time the area hits the eye of the storm they really realize that she isn’t that crazy and think that she is pretty awesome. I’m the other half of the eye of the storm… very calm and gentle… I give people a calming illusion that things aren’t crazy on the other side… but oooo are they wrong… I’m just as crazy if not crazier lol… and people are like “ok can we be done now” at this part of the hurricane b/c they are just tired of the craziness lol.

3. Twin (I really can’t give her a real name… b/c she really is my twin… not biologically but like we are the exact same person)- She represents my undergraduate years… I’m not sure if we actually “knew” each other freshman year but we became best friends our sophomore year. My twin represents the person that I am and the person that I want to be. My Twin is the calmest, gentlest, most intelligent person that I know. We are also scared of all the exact same things, have had extremely similar personal experiences, and say/think/do the exact same thing ALL THE TIME. We are seriously the same person. We are even both in graduate programs (though in different fields). When people tell us we are similar though it makes me feel amazing, because I wish I could be more like her. She is seriously one of the best people on this planet.

4. Tajel- is my most recent best friend, for she represents my graduate school phase. We are also very similar… but I see her as a much more extroverted, funnier, stronger, amazing version of myself. When we are together there is rarely a silent moment… and when it is all loud and fun it is either because we are laughing hysterically at something or complaining most fiercely about something. I would not have ever survived my MA program without her. I also look up to her in so many ways. I wish I could be much more like her as well. She is everything that I could never be (confident, crazy smart, extroverted, loved by all, extremely hilarious, etc) but so desperately want to be.

But anyway… those are very very small condense summaries of my best friends. The most interesting thing about the four is… that I think only two have actually met… Riley and Sarah met the summer after freshman year when I begged Riley to come visit me where my family was living at the time. They all know each other exist but none have actually ever interacted with each other, except a very short time for Riley and Sarah.

I know media has always portrayed that the best friend situation (such as in the sister hood of the traveling pants… or really any TV show you watch that involves teenagers) to be in is a group of very best friends who all know each other… but I actually think my mismatched group is absolutely the best and most amazing.

Every single one of them come from a different phase of my life and represent that phase of my life in a nostalgic way but are very much part of my present and future. Its comforting to have four amazing people always there to support me and actually know WHO I am.

One of the things my OCD freaks out about is “maybe I’m not really me. Maybe I’m just wearing a mask and trying to pretend to be this person.” But having such amazing friends from so many different and consecutive phases of my life allow me to see beyond that OCD thought and see it for its lie. All of my friends have seen me at different times in my life… but I am still the very same person I was when we first met. And if I have changed at all they have seen it in a way that proves to me that I’m not just wearing different masks but it has been personal growth.

With all the personal/ relationship crises I’m going through right now… all four of them have been my rock that I have stood on… even though they don’t know each other, they have without even known it come together and given me a place to rest my head out of the water.

I love them all so much and wouldn’t be here without them. I have much more to say later.. this was just an introduction to my best friends… but I want to talk to you guys about how amazing they have been to me through all the crap I’m going through. But I shall save that for another day.

PS… They seriously are the best people in the whole entire world!! ❤ … I know that we will all one day be crazy ladies in an old folks home having the best time of our lives… even if I never find “the one” I will never be alone because I will always have them. I have four amazingly strong women to grow old with 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn…

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn, is Just to Love, and to be loved in return.”

I don’t regret any of the past 1.5 months.

I have never experienced so much hurt and heartache in my life. But I’ve also never experienced such love, passion, happiness, and peace in my life either.

I am very glad that I decided to escape from my cage and take a chance. Yes I got hurt. Yes it failed. But I learned, felt, and experienced so much that would never have been possible in a cage.

I’ve never had difficulties in terms of loving people. I know how to love others. It comes easy to me. I love everyone. I even love those who don’t deserve it and I love those who others find it difficult to love.

But I had never learned how to “be loved.”

You would think that was easy. Everyone loves to be loved because its all about them. People love to be the center of attention.

Yes, there are times when I love to be the center of attention, but I never do it in a way that I allow people to really see who I am.

As I mentioned a while back, I once had a friend who I lived with for three months in the middle of the jungle tell me almost a year later “You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”

It is very rare for me to open up to others unless they are one of my dearest friends or I am in an extremely vulnerable place.

I’m afraid to allow others to love me, in fear that I will find to be unwanted, unbeautiful, unworthy of life. I’m afraid for others to see who I really am in fear that they will find me an impostor or tell me my dreams are impossible. I don’t allow others to touch me, because I find it to be too intimate. Touch to me says that I trust them to love me and to not hurt me. But I have a hard time trusting others and to allowing them to love me.

I am unsure if he actually loved me. But that really isn’t what is in question or up for debate. What is important… is that if he did or wanted to..I was allowing him to love me. I was learning to take complements. I was learning that someone may possibly want to be with me. I was learning how to let someone in. I was learning and allowing someone to actually see who I was. I was learning to trust. I was learning how to let him love me.

Even though it didn’t work out, I really think all of this really helped me learn about myself and others a lot more.

This is life, so I am still in the process of learning. It will probably be a while until I have fully learned how to let someone love me. Especially since my grasp on love is so sketch to begin with. But… I think eventually I might be strong enough to try to learn again.

I still hurt a lot. It is hard not to hurt. Every single little thing reminds me of him. He is haunting my every thought, but I bet he is completely fine.

…in my process of learning how to be loved did I really make it that easy for him “to walk right in and out of my life”?

I actually hope and pray that he is fine… and that he isn’t haunted by thoughts of me… because this pain is unbearable, and I would still do anything to ensure he was ok. I want him to be happy.

…But anyway… I think I am getting stronger. It might not feel like it… but I think one day I might be able to eventually let him go.

But I want to continue to learn…

I not only want to love others, but I want to eventually allow others to love me.

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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