“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn, is Just to Love, and to be loved in return.”
I don’t regret any of the past 1.5 months.
I have never experienced so much hurt and heartache in my life. But I’ve also never experienced such love, passion, happiness, and peace in my life either.
I am very glad that I decided to escape from my cage and take a chance. Yes I got hurt. Yes it failed. But I learned, felt, and experienced so much that would never have been possible in a cage.
I’ve never had difficulties in terms of loving people. I know how to love others. It comes easy to me. I love everyone. I even love those who don’t deserve it and I love those who others find it difficult to love.
But I had never learned how to “be loved.”
You would think that was easy. Everyone loves to be loved because its all about them. People love to be the center of attention.
Yes, there are times when I love to be the center of attention, but I never do it in a way that I allow people to really see who I am.
As I mentioned a while back, I once had a friend who I lived with for three months in the middle of the jungle tell me almost a year later “You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”
It is very rare for me to open up to others unless they are one of my dearest friends or I am in an extremely vulnerable place.
I’m afraid to allow others to love me, in fear that I will find to be unwanted, unbeautiful, unworthy of life. I’m afraid for others to see who I really am in fear that they will find me an impostor or tell me my dreams are impossible. I don’t allow others to touch me, because I find it to be too intimate. Touch to me says that I trust them to love me and to not hurt me. But I have a hard time trusting others and to allowing them to love me.
I am unsure if he actually loved me. But that really isn’t what is in question or up for debate. What is important… is that if he did or wanted to..I was allowing him to love me. I was learning to take complements. I was learning that someone may possibly want to be with me. I was learning how to let someone in. I was learning and allowing someone to actually see who I was. I was learning to trust. I was learning how to let him love me.
Even though it didn’t work out, I really think all of this really helped me learn about myself and others a lot more.
This is life, so I am still in the process of learning. It will probably be a while until I have fully learned how to let someone love me. Especially since my grasp on love is so sketch to begin with. But… I think eventually I might be strong enough to try to learn again.
I still hurt a lot. It is hard not to hurt. Every single little thing reminds me of him. He is haunting my every thought, but I bet he is completely fine.
…in my process of learning how to be loved did I really make it that easy for him “to walk right in and out of my life”?
I actually hope and pray that he is fine… and that he isn’t haunted by thoughts of me… because this pain is unbearable, and I would still do anything to ensure he was ok. I want him to be happy.
…But anyway… I think I am getting stronger. It might not feel like it… but I think one day I might be able to eventually let him go.
But I want to continue to learn…
I not only want to love others, but I want to eventually allow others to love me.