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The worst kind of betrayal…

I have just recently experienced the worst kind of betrayal… and from whom you may ask?

My subconscious…

Seriously… laugh! b/c I am sorta laughing… but it is just so wrong…

When I am upset… USUALLY… I don’t cry… (this has proved false lately though)… instead I just sleep… I sleep the world away… because in my dreams I can pretend like everything is ok…

but it absolutely is sooo wrong when your dreams not only pretend like everything is ok but make what you sooooo desperately long for come true… but only in the dream. So when you wake up thinking that your dreams became reality and then realize it was only a dream… its a bit of a rude awakening… causing tears to pour out of one’s eyes…

Sigh…

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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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New Years

So every year I make New Years resolutions… and do I ever carry them out? I’m going to say 99% of the time no… but let us review my resolutions that I posted last January and see if I actually carried anything out.

(1) Except on the Friday before my Thesis is due, I am not allowed to do ANY school work on this day (except the classes I will be in this day, so basically no school work in the evening).

(2) Use this Friday freedom to have FUN. Not sitting around watching sappy love stories or Say Yes to the Dress. Like real fun. With REAL PEOPLE (who are not my roommate and cats).

(3) Stop believing that I am going to fail. And telling all my friends I am going to fail prior to any assignment being due. This not only annoys them but also annoys myself. I know it all has to do with me being a perfectionist, which is related to my OCD which tells me that if I don’t do perfect my parents will no longer love me, I will be kicked out of my home, and I will fail at life. In order to be a perfectionist I have to be in a perfect state of panic which is why I call/text all my friends that “I am going to fail.” THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

(4) Have a life outside of academia…possible bf? (HAH! Not sure if this can happen)

(5) Learn to cry. I don’t really cry. Except when I am freaking out about OCD things. So prior to this semester I probably cried once a year max (usually when my mom yelled at me). I have such a shield around myself that I don’t allow any emotion in (besides that of panic and terror). I need to learn to feel emotion again. Even if it is just the ability to cry at a sad movie on TV.

(6) (a) If I get into a PhD program with money… to give it my all but not lose myself.

(6)(b) If I don’t get into a PhD program with money (which is very possible, especially in terms of the WITH money), don’t lose myself. Find a job. That pays. DONT MOVE BACK HOME. Figure out what I really want to do in my life. Find out about volunteering with the OCD Foundation.

(7) Loose ONE Pant size! I just want to be a size 6 again… I miss those days SOO much. But do this by eating healthy and exercising. Right now I’m loosing weight b/c my prozac has made me lose my appetite… which is actually bad b/c now I have extremely low blood pressure and don’t get enough protein etc. So I need to somehow balance actually eating with healthy weight lose.

(8) Get 8 hours of sleep MOST nights. And sleep in on Saturdays (till nine am).

Ok Let us see…
(1) I did so so on this one… mostly b/c I had no will power so I didn’t do homework on fridays… but this semester I was guilty of doing most of my grading on Friday nights… that isn’t homework… so does that count?

(2) Yea I failed terribly at this one… I’m really bad about having fun… isn’t that sad?

(3) yea… no… I’m always going to fail… I’m failing life…

(4) this actually happened… things didn’t happen the way I wanted them too and my life outside of academia wasn’t all that life like but it was really great for my first time at having a life I think

(5) Yea… I cried a lot this semester… I still need to work on my ‘vulnerability’ but… I had more waterworks this semester then my whole life lol

(6) Got into a PhD program with money… but didn’t give it my all… though I did end up with all As this semester… but I know I could have done better on a lot of different points

(7) Ha! I wish

(8)… Hahahaha… another I wish…

Well all in all… at least I did kinda accomplish some of my new years resolutions.

I’m now going to try to create more resolutions for this year that are actually attainable… and I’m going to do it in terms of semester since that is how my brain works…. so the following are New Years Resolution for the Spring 2013 Semester

(1) Don’t worry about loosing weight… but seriously exercise… AT LEAST two times a week… Yes I do exercise in everyday life in the fact that I don’t have a car and I walk everywhere… but I need to hit the gym… it is good for the heart/body/soul/etc

(2) Figure out what I want to do with my life. Do I want to continue pursuing my PhD or does God have another calling for me?

(3) Do not compromise other important aspects of life for academia… this I believe will be the hardest. My OCD makes me feel like if I don’t put 100% of my time into my studies that I will fail life… but this isn’t healthy. So this semester I’m going to go to church EVERY sunday (unless you know I’m sick or something), work out twice a week, have one night a week that I have to be social, and carve out a time to have a hobby. Yes I’m taking more classes this semester than I was last semester… but it is the load I should be taking… and you know what if I can’t handle it and life then obviously I shouldn’t be in the program I am in. I can’t compromise my well being for academia… I think that is one of the things that pushed my OCD off the deep end last year… I compromised my mental well being for academia… I’m not going to do that again

(4) Learn how to accept compliments… I have a serious issue with this.

(5) Learn how to be less controlling… again… I have serious issues with this… I need to learn to accept people for the amazing people that they are and not try to dictate how they behave b/c I think it is what is best. My way is def not the best way.

(6) And last, but certainly not least… actually the most important… work on my relationship with God. He is who I should turn too for my loneliness, sadness, heartache and no one else… He will always provide for me, whether it be through gaining a significant other or just being at complete peace with myself, if I give Him my love in return.

Ok… so let us see how these 6 resolutions start for my new year… My “New Year” will officially start January 8th since that is when my life starts to become mine again and not dictated by my family whom I live with during Winter Break (Yea… I wanted to cut this break much shorter, but due to family obligations I couldn’t).

Maybe this year will be better than last… you know what… positivism… I need more of that in my life… so instead of maybe– This year WILL be better than last year.

I hope all of you have had Happy Holidays!

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Than to Never have loved at all?

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I wanted so badly before all of this to experience love. I wanted it with every fiber of my being. But… is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

One shouldn’t envy the bird born in a cage who never got to experience the real world… but that bird always remained protected and safe. It may never have had experience joy… but it probably never experienced pain, save the constant want to fly through the open air.

What if the bird got to escape its cage for just a few moments and enjoy the open air? Is the joy that one can experience for just a little bit worth all of the pain later?

My OCD is currently telling me that I’m worthless and I don’t deserve to be happy. That I should just go back to my cage and stay there… b/c while I don’t experience joy in my cage, I don’t experience pain. It was all my fault it went bad. It was my fault it ended. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I wasn’t wantable enough. I imagined it all. It is also telling me that I’ve wasted all my time. And that I could be doing so much better in life if I hadn’t allowed this “distraction” into my life.

I’m trying so hard not to listen to the OCD. The fact that I recognize it as OCD thoughts is great. I know they are wrong. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am enough and that I am worthy of love. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. If there is anything I learned in this experience it is that I am worthy to be loved.

The pain though that I am currently dealing with though is unbearable. All I want to do is sleep. In fact, all I am doing is sleeping. I’m not crying. Just sleeping to escape the reality that I don’t want and to pretend that everything is as it was. I need to mourn properly but I don’t know how.

I learned a lot in this experience of love. I experienced pure love.

But is this pain of losing it worth it?

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? If I had stayed in my cage, I would be ok right now. Not good, not bad… but ok. I would also have remained a dreamer… a thinker that fairy tales could come true.

But really even though its all painful… I think I’m glad I left my cage and flew in the sky even for a little bit. And I still think I believe fairy tales can come true. Perhaps one day I can completely escape from my cage… and enjoy flying through the sky forever.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Caged

One of these days I’ll be brave enough to post my own poetry (I think I have a couple of times actually..but those weren’t my most intimate pieces). I know… I basically pour my soul out on here anyway and none of you actually know me personally, so what does it matter? But still there is something about poetry… I think I would somehow feel more exposed and vulnerable if I posted it.

But anyway… Meaningful Poems by famous people for today:

Fire and Ice By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

* * * * * * * *

Desire and Hate… two emotions I know well and are extremely well described in this poem. Desire can be all consuming, taking up everything in your life to the point that you forget who you are. Much like fire. Hate though… its a tricky one… I’ve never actually hated anyone… I’ve only ever hated myself… and hate is like ice. It can numb you. It can encase you in a prison that is almost impossible to escape.

I currently see myself going back into that encasement of ice.

I’m never good enough. Never worthy of love. If I wasn’t here no one would notice. All I ever do is hurt those that I love. I will never be who they want me to be. I’m just a disappointment to all.

The easiest way to contain that kind of hate… is to become numb… ice does numb things after all…

All of that use to make me hate myself. I’m trying so hard right now to try to not go back to that. I’m trying not to think of those things. Not to think like that. Trying to remember the positive.

I can find beauty in the whole world…no matter how bad the situation… I believe everyone is deserving of second chances… I believe everyone should be loved… but I have such a hard time believing that for myself. It is so much easier to believe the bad things about yourself then allow yourself to see your own beauty.

I will try though…

I will try to not let the hate win. I will try to not let the ice take over again so that I am just a robot trying to get through life. Even though love, life, and pain hurts… numbing it won’t solve my problems… it will just make it worse.

So I will stick with the pain… so that I don’t loose myself to hate.

I refuse to sink.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

* * * * * * *
So I am very well aware of the meaning of this poem. I know its really about discrimination and racism… and the oppression of African Americans in the US.

But I’ve also taken it in a very personal way…

Birds and cages… have a very personal meaning to me…

Two of my favorite quotes are currently on my wall in my bedroom.

(1) “One day I’ll Fly Away”- from Moulin Rouge

(2) “A fish may love a bird, signore, but where would they live?” “Then I will have to build you wings.”- from Ever After

I’ve decorated my room so that there is a large decal of a tree and a bird slowly trying to fly to join other birds.

My favorite necklace right now has a charm that is of a bird cage.

I’ve just always wanted to fly away and join my dreams… without anything keeping me on the ground.

I have felt like such a caged bird my whole life… in all manners of my life… from the prison my OCD created for me and in the way that I grew up. My parents kept me caged growing up… and the OCD just made that cage even more foolproof.

I recently thought that I was coming out of that cage, but I’ve realized the only way out of the cage is through continuous trust in God. He will free me. For some reason a miracle hasn’t happened yet… all of sudden the doors of my cage haven’t swung open.. there has to be reason for that… they are slowly opening a little bit at a time.. but I will continue to trust in God that one day not only will those doors swing all the way open… but they will open right into His arms and He will give me freedom to do good in the world.

* * * * * *
I hope one day that I will no longer be frozen in a cage… but beautiful and wanted.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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My connection with the Lady of Shalott Part 1

“The Lady of Shalott” by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Part I

On either side of the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And through the field the road runs by
To many-towered Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.1

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veiled
Slide the heavy barges trailed
By slow horses; and unhailed
The shallop flitteth silken-sailed
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?             25
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to towered Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers “‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

Part II

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:  50
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the curly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-haired page in crimson clad,
Goes by to towered Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed;
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

Part III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling through the leaves,  75
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneeled
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glittered free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazoned baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewelled shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burned like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often through the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;   100
On burnished hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flowed
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lira,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She looked down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror cracked from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Part IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over towered Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote  125
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance —
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right —
The leaves upon her falling light —
Through the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turned to towered Camelot.
For ere she reached upon the tide  150
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”

From A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray:

In reference to the Lady of Shalott- “I think that the lady dies not because she leaves the tower for the outside world, but because she lets herself float through that world, pulled by the current after a dream.”

Mull over these words as I do as well. For I find that I can relate with this great lady of Shalott.

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Nightmares

I have  written about dreams a lot throughout these posts. I find that I write about them due to the fact hat I sleep way more than the average person does.

I actually had a sleep test done (I may or may not have mentioned this somewhere else) where they couldn’t formally diagnose me (due to the fact that I couldn’t take naps for them), but they think I might have a form of narcolepsy (obviously on the more functioning side and less server).

With that being said I have posted a lot about how I actually like dreaming. It takes me to a new world one in which I don’t have the troubles that I have today. One where I can be or do anything I want.

But sometimes though… like last night I have dreams that are plagued by OCD fears. Dreams that seem so real… I honestly don’t know if they were dreams or reality. Usually about after a couple of hours I can discern what was a dream and what was reality… but within those few hours when I am not sure.. I am frightened..

I guess one would just call these nightmare. But like I will have whole dreams that I have had conversations about my OCD  with someone and/or OCD compulsions are happening such as cleaning my bathroom profusely and when I wake up I actually think these events happened.

I know some people  can wake up and be completely alert, but I can in no way shape or form do that. I’m always in a some what zombie mode.. and the more tired I am the worse it is and the worse it is trying to decipher between dreams and reality.

I’ve always wanted to find that place (as a random quote mentions) the place between “dreams and reality”… but not when they are nightmares.. I don’t like them… at all… and they kind of make me question my mental stability even more…

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Sleep Test!

So this extremely tired academic… after complaining to my doctor and therapist since september 2011… is finally in the process of a sleep test!

Perhaps they can figure out what is wrong with me after all!

I have to say the facility that this is occurring in is extremely nice. Its like a really really nice hotel room… even the bathroom is fantastic.

Of course, trying to fall asleep with tons of wires on you, a pulse thingy on your finger, and a breathing thing up your nose is very difficult to sleep with… but apparently after trying to fall asleep since like 10:30pm I fell asleep around 1am and they woke me up at 8am… now they keep trying to make me take “nap tests”… which really is a waste of time b/c while I LOVE TO NAP… I can’t fall asleep within 15 minutes… you gotta give me at least 30….

Plus I’m a little freaked out this morning bc the first thing they made me do this morning was take a urine sample. Someone with contamination OCD who JUST woke up and has no ability to control anxiety when said person JUST WOKE UP should not be forced to do this so early in the morning.. I washed my hands for like 5 minutes afterwards… oh well…

BUT I really can’t wait until they figure out what is wrong with me.

Apparently there was a special on Good morning america yesterday about people with OCD and sleep disorders and how the two are connected. I’ve tried to find it online, but have been unsuccessful… but if someone knows please let me know!

I met with the sleep doctor on Monday prior to coming into testing yesterday (Tuesday) and he told me that he was pretty certain that I have a sleep disorder without even doing all the testing on me… apparently my tongue is too big for my mouth (such an odd thing) which can make sleeping difficult… also because I have such extremely VIVID dreams and remember them all that is indicative of me waking up at night a lot even though I don’t realize it. This means that I never actually get into the restful stage of sleep.

This also explains my ADD like attention span this year. I have not been able to focus at all and people who lack in a restful night sleep even if they don’t necessarily feel sleepy get ADD qualities (according to my therapist who I met with yesterday).

So apparently its all interconnected. Especially the OCD part… which makes sense… Since my OCD became severe last august it probably triggered this sleeping disorder… fun… fun…

I want to sleep right now but they won’t let me… grrrrr… I have tons of papers I need to grade but I’m too tired to grade them and they won’t let me have caffeine…

I’m not sure if this post made sense bc I am so tired lol

Any of y’all have sleeping issues with your OCD?

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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