RSS

Tag Archives: God

Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Fred.

Fred,

A year ago tomorrow (the 17th), i gave you all of me. I gave you my heart, soul, and body. I had already fallen in love with you… But it sealed everything. You took my virginity. You took a piece of me that I can never get back… I hope you understand the magnitude of what I gave you and why I gave it to you. Because of it you will always be in my heart whether I want you there or not. I hope you appreciate that and understand why it has been so hard for me to let you go.

I won’t ever forget you Fred. But I think I can finally let you go. Ive had a hard time letting you go. I don’t understand why but I’ve always felt so connected with you no matter what we had been through. I think it’s because you were a lot of firsts for me (besides making love) and then I couldn’t forgive myself for giving all of me to you. I’ve begun to forgive myself though just as I had already forgiven you. And I’ve realized by forgiving myself I can have those firsts back because with God’s forgiveness He washes me as clean as snow.

Please don’t attempt to respond back. I’m just writing this as one of the final pieces that I need to give you so that i can fully let you go. And also So that you know I’m ok and I’ve forgiven you.

I hope you are happy Fred. I hope you treat your current girlfriend better than you ever treated me. I hope you appreciate her in your life and that you come to love her or another woman. And let whoever that woman is love you in return.

****************

Fred,

I hate you for what you did to me.

**************

Fred,

I hate her, because you can love her and not me.

*************

Fred,

You’ve been with her for a month as of yesterday?? A MONTH! I gave you everything and I never got a month from you. 

*************

Fred,

I hate me the most, for allowing you to be in my life. 

*************

Fred,

I don’t want you to get away so easily for what you’ve done to me… but even if I yelled at you it would just bring me more pain… and you aren’t worth it. 

*************

Fred,

I hope that after our upcoming anniversary that I will be able to let you go. I still haven’t been able to.. and it appears you haven’t yet either (since you were stalking me on Linked In!) even if you now have her.

*************

Fred,

I have been debating whether to contact you on our anniversary or not which is tomorrow… Will I feel happy, sad, ok that I contacted you? But now that I think about it… I feel like it will just be like one of my compulsions… relief in the minutes I did it but hurt and confusion after…

************

Fred,

After everything… I still want you… or the you I thought/wished you were… but I deserve better than you… in fact being alone is probably better than being with you…

************

Fred,

Tomorrow marks a new year… a year without you… without the pain you caused me… a year to actually find me…

*************

Fred,

It is unfair that while I’m trying to let you go you are able to penetrate into my dreams… do I ever show up in yours?

************

Fred,

It wasn’t all my fault was it? I just wanted the perfect romance… or at least what was taught as romance in the Bible… you refused to give me what I needed, but was it all my fault?

*************

Fred,

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

*************

Fred,

A year tomorrow (the 17th), I gave you all of me. Although we didn’t work out, I hope you cherish the fact that I gave you my heart and body. I hope you are happy Fred and that you love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

*************

Fred,

*************

Fred,

*************

I must stop loving him…

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Change

Never in my life have I ever changed so much and so drastically in two years… it makes me wonder whether I have actually changed..

Two years ago… my world fell apart… it feels like two years ago was so long ago and yet just yesterday…

but if I am completely honest my world had fallen apart long ago… I just refused to acknowledge it… I’ve been badly plagued with OCD since the summer of 2008… it came and went… and I had a wonderful school year Fall 2010-Spring 2011… but that false sense of happiness fell apart so quickly that summer.

But still just thinking about the past two years… This time two years ago I could barely get out of my bed in fear that I would somehow ending up unintentionally hurting someone.. I was terrified of the world and myself… once the meds started working things got much better… but when I moved to my current city a year ago… I wrote down a list of “wishes” that I had. They are as follows:

  • I wish I was beautiful inside and out.
  • I wish I was loved.
  • I wish that I didn’t want to be invisible.
  • I wish I could make a difference.
  • I wish I could stop hating myself.
  • I wish I could let go.
  • I wish I knew what I wanted.
  • I wish I could love.
  • I wish I understood myself better.
  • I wish I didn’t feel like I failed God.
  • I wish I could feel Jesus’ presence.
  • I wish I could stop mourning over myself.

I really haven’t thought much of these wishes… but its mostly because I’ve been distracted this whole year. Between a PhD program I was hating, someone that I loved who refused to even try to love me, and other guy issues… I forgot my problems.

So because I forgot my problems… did that make them go away? or are they still there? Do I still wish for all of those things? Do I still need to wish for all of those things?

Honestly… I don’t know…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

I am

I am…

– Not the mistakes I have made

– His

– Loved

– Beautiful

– Kind

– Forgiven

– Cherished

– Inspiring

– Inspired

❤ Oh what an awesome God I serve ❤

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

Struggles

So something I’ve been struggling with here in my city is a lack of friends. I just haven’t met with many people that I connect with.

God has answered so many of my prayers, but for some reason I have had a hard time believing that he could help me with this one. Isn’t this something I need to fix myself? I’ve been the one kind of standoff ish… I’m the one who doesn’t like to be in large groups and its hard to find people who prefer one on one time (which is what I love). I need to fix myself.

Yesterday my “social activity” for the week was supposed to meet with my bible study group to watch a movie in the park. I was actually really excited about going, but as the day wore on I was getting really tired and not really in the mood to go out. But still I was going to make myself go. But then when I looked it up it involved much public transit and a very long commute. Normally this wouldn’t stop me from going, but the day before I was stuck on public transit for 1.5 hours due to traffic and was a bit frustrated with it.. and I didn’t want to travel all the way back late at night by myself. I feel safe with where I live, but its A HUGE city and I’m not going to jinks myself. So I didn’t end up going. Which I felt bad about.

But I did decide to take my puppy on a nice long walk. I really wanted to go to a place I hadn’t gone to since before winter. I hadn’t gone sooner, because its a long walk and with my ankle… traveling that far on foot on a path that doesn’t have car access so I can’t call a taxi if I get stuck has scared me. But I finally got the courage to do it.

I had decided though since I was skipping out on a bible study thing that I would have my own bible study and time with God when I got out there. Unfortunately by the time I hobbled out there it was already getting dark so I didn’t get to spend too much time there, but the time that I did spend in God’s Word and my devotional was extremely uplifting. Once again I found God speaking to me through my daily devotional.

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.

Ephesians 2:7-8; Psalm 34: 5; Hebrews 3:1

Is this not what I’m struggling with? The idea that I need to fix myself? I mean there is no doubt I have much to work on… my lack of confidence, my fear of being unwanted, my fear of being forgotten, my fear of never fitting in. But I can’t ‘fix’ these things on my own. I shouldn’t be focusing on fixing these things… but I should “fix” my gaze upon God. He has answered SOOOOO MANY  of my prayers lately. He has helped me overcome my OCD, He is the reason I made it through this academic year, He is the reason I got such an amazing job that I absolutely love, He is the one who has given me courage to stand up for me when no one else will. Why would I ever doubt that He wouldn’t answer my prayer of helping me find a place that I belong in this city? Nothing happens over night… things take time… and until then… I will always have my amazing puppy at my side and of course the Lover of my Soul, Jesus, at my side.

1004082_10200163185858040_1900383299_n 

**********************

UPDATE

So I just pulled my devotional out for today… and man oh man… wow…

 

Keep Walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light- footed on the high peaks; but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling suppress just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Is that not what I was just talking about in terms of things taking time and the pathway being difficult??? ❤

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Epiphany(s)

Y’all I’ve had several epiphanies between yesterday and today… and I think I understand a lot more about myself and life than I ever have before.

(1) I’m stubborn.

(2) I need to completely let go and give EVERYTHING, including people, to God.

(3) I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.

I provide explanations for each below, but just to help you understand please note that all of them completely tie with my recent (extremely stupid but yet oddly extremely freeing) experience that I blogged about last time.

Point 1- I’m stubborn

Y’all… I have never considered myself stubborn… except in my refusal to quit academia… but that had a lot to do with fear… In fact, because of how I was raised I’m usually the one convincing stubborn people to not be stubborn and see the other sides of situations. But I guess maybe since I’ve always been the voice of reason to the stubborn people that are very much a large part of my life, I never looked at the ways in which I am stubborn.

but I realize now that I am seriously a really stubborn person… this isn’t a bad thing per se… actually it helps me figure things out.. and learn how to channel this stubbornness in more appropriate ways.

The problem is in a particular instance I’m stubborn at believing that some people just aren’t good for me, stubborn at believing that they deserve 100s of second chances, stubborn at refusing to realize how horrible a situation is, stubborn about realizing I can’t change people or control their actions or feelings… no matter how much I want to… which brings us to Point 2

Point 2- I need to completely let go and give everything, including people, to God

I met with my therapist this week and had a heart to heart about what I blogged about last time. She is actually the one who pointed out to me my stubbornness…

I was trying to explain to her everything and how stupid I felt and I told her what I felt like God has been speaking to me throughout this whole entire year about academia, Fred, failed relationships, family difficulties, etc:

Don’t run after what I am trying to protect you from.

I’m not sure if I have every ‘heard’ God’s voice… to be honest I’m not quite sure how that works… but I know in my heart that God has said that to me. And what do I do time and time again? I run after exactly that which God is trying to protect me from bc I think I know better… or I think I’m hearing God wrong… but God has time and time again tried to protect me from the Fred situation… I mean look at the timing of the Ex in my life… how could that not have been heaven-sent?

My therapist told me that I need to pray that God helps me let go of Fred. But then I was scared because I felt like that made me a bad person… if I no longer pray for Fred and pray that he gets on the right path does that make me a bad person? that I only think about myself? But my therapist pointed out to me that that is in fact what I should do… because I need to give Fred to God.

When I became a Christian… what did I do? I gave my whole life to God. I told him “here I don’t want to control my life, I want to live it worshipping you, please take the reins and have me live for you.”

If I am doing that (or attempting lol… but what Christian is ever more in the attempting phase? lol its something we all struggle with because we are human) then I need to give Fred over completely to God. I’m not responsible for Fred, I need to put myself and my relationship with God before Fred. I need to let Fred completely go so that he can be free to reach out to God (if he choose to of course). I can’t be steering Fred in the direction I think he should go (even if I think it is in the direction that God is in). Only God can do that. I need to completely let Fred go and trust my loving wonderful God that Fred will find him. Fred isn’t my responsibility.

While I don’t think the situation I created this past week was “meant to be”… I do think God was able to spin something good off of it… which gets us to Point #3

Point 3- I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.

[From here on out ‘the Ex’ will be referred to as ‘Brad’ (which of course is not his real name). The reason for this change is because I have hopes that one day… and I hope not too far in the future that I can refer to him and think of him more as a true and real “friend” and have that define our relationship than as the romantic relationship we once had.]

One of the reasons I had such strong feelings for Brad was because, as we all know, he was heaven sent. His timing was perfect. He saved me when I could not save myself from Fred. If it was not for Brad, I honestly have no idea where I would be right now.

But the thing is… I should want to love (not romantic love but the love you have for your friends and family) Brad for who he is, not for what he has done for me. I should love Brad for his sense of humor (including the dirty jokes), his intellect, his kindness, his goodness, etc.

Just like I wish to view Brad (hopefully in the near future) as a friend compared to as “the Ex”, I wish to view Brad as completely and utterly separated from Fred. I don’t want to associate Brad as “saving me” from Fred.

I want to associate Brad with being Brad and absolutely nothing more.

Which is how we get to the point that I think God has made a positive spin-off from my stupidity….

this time… I was able to save my self from Fred.

Yes, things didn’t go exactly how I wished in terms of us having this huge heart to heart and finally getting a simple “I’m sorry” from him… but I finally feel like I can let go of him.

I mean I had definitly let go of him since Brad came into my life… but I always had the horrible feelings that led me to contacting Fred this time “I’ve ruined his life. I need to know that he is ok. I can’t have anyone hating me or have any relationship (no matter what kind) end the way that one did” within me. I want to spread love and goodness everywhere… and with the knowledge that I had “ruined his life” (as he told me), it made it difficult to sleep at night… And then when Brad and I broke up these ideas just flared within me b/c maybe something was wrong with me (since Brad was the one who broke up with me) and not Fred. Maybe it was my fault

Having met up with him one more time just reinforced all my realizations that he isn’t good for me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him… except let him go. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he can’t be in my life even just as a friend. I’ve come to realize I should have never been treated the way he treated me. I’ve come to realize it wasn’t my fault. I realize that no matter from what angle you look at it he was horrible to me and there is absolutely no excuse for it. I realize I am worth soooooooo much more.

I realize that I am enough.

I am enough.

Wow… I really can’t say that enough.. I don’t even think I’ve said that before…

I, Brooke Carter, am enough.

I don’t need to be Brooke Carter: attempting savior of Fred, Brooke Carter: indebted to Brad, Brooke Carter: the girl who will do anything for anyone, Brooke Carter: so easily walked on, Brooke Carter: the glue to her family, Brooke Carter: the girl with OCD, Brooke Carter a mess from all the heartache, Brooke Carter: an academic failure… no. I am just Brooke Carter…me…

and yea… I’m still trying to find out exactly who “Brooke” is… but even while trying to do that… I’m enough.

I’m enough to save myself. I don’t have to associate anyone with saving me except for God and me.

Therefore when another situation arises that I need to be saved from, I don’t have to look to Brad or someone else in my life. They can just be who they are… and I can love them for that and nothing more… and I can be my own savior (well of course God is that but you know what i mean).

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,