Sleep is one of the few places I can go to where I’m allowed to stop feeling. Yes, sometimes my dreams betray me and bring all my feelings forcefully and vividly to the forefront of all my thinking and fears, but most of the time my dreams are silly and funny or my sleep is completely dreamless.
Yes I am really tired all the time and yes sleep is one way to fix that problem… but sleep is also the one place where I don’t have to worry about the twilight I find myself. Sleep gives me an escape from feeling all the feels.
I know why I’m feeling more down than usual, I had a wonderful and long weekend with Max, so of course I’m going through withdrawals of him. lol. I know most people are usually tired of said friend after they spend such a long period with them, but not me. I always have this problem when leaving some of my closes friends, especially Riley, I just feel sad that I’m no longer with that individual. I guess it has to do with how long its been since I last seen them. It is always terribly hard for me to let Riley go, since I see her maybe once a year.
But I guess that is why I am feeling all the feels. One moment I was blissfully happy and now I’m just sad I’m not with him. I think it is kinda like a sugar crash… really hyper and then you crash. So instead of feeling all this… there is nothing more that I want to do than sleep. Because when I’m sad about one thing, it makes me sad about everything else in my life. I need to sleep. Sleep so I can stop thinking. Sleep so I can stop feeling lonely. Sleep so I can stop feeling confused and insecure. Sleep so that I can think of only the good things in my life prior to falling into sleep. Sleep so I can wake up on the other side of the day and forget all that is on my mind.
That probably isn’t healthy though… so I need to allow myself to feel what I feel and not shy away from it.
Easier said than done though.
On a side note… Max did the cutest and sweetest thing over the weekend that made me feel so cared for:
Since we were staying at this place, out of respect for his roomies and to reassure them nothing more was going on then what is, I slept in a separate bedroom. He knew I would be sad not to get to snuggle with him, so he brought me his pillow that is shaped like a panda bear to snuggle with all night. It was the sweetest gesture ever. I can’t even express how much it melted my heart. Max also has this way of kissing me that is so sweet and innocent (as in the I want YOU manner and not the I want your body way) that takes my breathe away.
So I guess I’ll think of that for now and try not not dwell on the sad feels.