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The pain of life

My heart hurts so much right now…

My best friend, Riley, just welcomed her first nephew into the world. They knew it was going to be a complicated birth… they knew from early on that this lil one had a heart problem… they were prepared to have to go immediately into surgery the moment he was born…

And he was born June 26th at 4lbs 11 oz… small because of his heart… but miraculously he didn’t have to go into surgery… it didn’t look like he needed a heart transplant as first thought… they thought that he would be ok… yes his heart had a problem, but it wasn’t as severe as they thought… they thought he would be able to go home at the end of this week…

He is an absolutely beautiful baby… but today they received news that in addition to his heart complication that he has Methylmalonic acidemia disorder… All I really know about it is what I have been able to get off medical websites and such… but from what I have researched… he will not to be on this earth very long… and it breaks my heart for him, his mother, and my best friend…

All I can do is pray for him… and hope that anyone who reads this prayers/ puts good thoughts out into the world for him…

But at least all he knows about life right now is the love of his parents, aunt, and other family members… I guess if the only thing you know about is love then that is enough

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Ruminations….

There are several topics on my mind tonight…topics that I would love responses too.

(1) What exactly is forgiveness? I watched the Courages¬†tonight with my mother. It was a good Christian movie with many good story lines. A difficulty though I was having with the movie was how often the word “forgive” was thrown out there. “I forgive you.” Three such powerful words… that people just seem to throw out there without really knowing what the meaning is… thinking about it… I don’t think I really know what the meaning is either.

According to my dictionary on my computer: to forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

So if I say “I forgive my mother for not caring for me in a way a mother should when I was younger.”

Ok… so I’m not angry… It is the past… I’ve let it go… I’m not resentful… this is the way life is now, so I must move on. But does this mean I have to trust my mother? Is trust tied to forgiveness? I love my mother… but does forgiveness mean I have to like her?

If I have truly forgiven someone (like my mother)… what does it all entail? I’m not angry or resentful.. but does that mean that I have to try to forge a meaningful relationship with my mother (which I actually have but sometimes its harder to forge it than others)? Am I not allowed to give up?

If a husband and wife divorce one another… and it was for pretty mutual reasons… and they forgive one another for it not working out…. are they allowed to just step out of each other’s lives? Are they allowed to stop caring? Or does forgiveness entail continuous work and continuously caring for that person you have forgiven? Is perhaps forgiveness a climax of a story? and the resolution and conclusion still have to come after it? Or is forgiveness the end? Or more so… perhaps forgiveness is the beginning of a story… such as when one is “born again” in Christian terms… you are forgiven and your life starts anew from then.

Does that make sense? I’m just confused… I guess I really just don’t understand the concept of forgiveness.

God has forgiven us of our sins because His Son died for us. He continues on a relationship with us. But does he trust us again in terms of not making the same mistake twice? What all does forgiveness entail? Does He care for us in the exact same way He cared for us before the sin?

Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness.

I’ve not delved at all into the literature of the Bible in terms of this question… so I really don’t know… which brings me to my second point tonight…

(2) I honesty don’t know when the last time I prayed was.

This is bad… it has gotten to the point… that to be honest… I ask someone else to pray for our meals, so that I don’t have too…

I’m not completely sure why…

I guess it has to do with “Why God are you putting me through this (in terms of my OCD)?”

I realize I’m being like a spoiled little kid “You haven’t answered my prayers, so I’m going to give you the silent treatment.” –really though this only hurts me.

I mean… don’t get me wrong… I’m doing TONS better OCD wise… but what if that is just a mask? What if “having OCD” is a mask? What if the moment that I open up the Bible I’m struck down with what a horrible person I am. As I mentioned elsewhere… it really isn’t an obsessional thought… but more of an underlying haunting idea… or perhaps that is just a different type of obsessional thought?

So really… I think it’s an OCD compulsion of avoidance…

or maybe I’m just making excuses…

I don’t know.

My worst obsessional thought is that I’m not a good person. That I am in fact evil. By avoiding reading my Bible and praying… I don’t really have to think about good vs evil… I just have to think about getting through each day… being responsible for my actions… and only doing things that are morally right.

Whether it is an OCD compulsion or not… it would be a lie to say that I’m not avoiding God. B/c I am. There is no doubt. I don’t want too. I just don’t know how to stop…

And now I’m freaking out that I’ve said something blasphemous and that God will never forgive me. Urg.

How I wish God would speak to me in a way that I could truly without a doubt understand.

I need His comfort.

But if He has forgiven me (for my stupid OCD thoughts)… exactly what does that mean?

I really just need to open up my Bible and read…

my Bible is sitting right next to me… but I have yet to do so…

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Power of Prayer

I know! Three posts in one day! Obviously you can see that I am doing some serious thinking. Writing it out helps me think. Sorry if I am boring you.

But anyway… I have a for reals question to all the Christian/spiritual people out there. I really need an answer to this:

How do you know when God is answering a prayer?

….

I’ve always been envious of the people in the Bible who God ACTUALLY TALKS to. I mean in this day of time if you told someone God spoke to you they would think that you were schizophrenic, but what I would give for God to actually take me by the shoulders shake me and speak directly to me!

My friends and family keep telling me to “pray” about my current life crisis. I HONESTLY believe in the power of prayer… but how do you know what an answer is?

I’ve had prayers answered before. There was this one time when my OCD was really bad (prior to me knowing I had OCD) and I was TERRIFIED of driving. Where I had to drive to my sister normally drove me, because we worked at the same place. She though was out-of-town and I was going to have to make the 45 minute commute on my own for the first time. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I prayed all day the day before that God would give me the peace of mind, so that I could actually do it (at this point in my OCD I would get panic attacks at the wheel… because I was terrified that I would either accidentally kill myself or someone else with the car…apparently its actually a common OCD fear). My honest ardent eager prayer was “Should I go to work tomorrow? If so will you give me the ability to make it to work tomorrow? If not should I pretend to be sick and just call in to my boss that I am sick?” About thirty minutes before going to bed that night, my boss called me to tell me that he was sick and so neither of us should go into work.

I’m not saying that God answered my prayers by making my boss sick (knowing my boss he was actually probably making it up and just wanted that Friday off). But he did find me an out, because even if my boss was sick he could have still come into work or expected me too.

I’ve also had other prayers answered. Otherwise there are just too many coincidences in my life.

I also have friends who have had true prayers answered. My best friend’s mom had thyroid cancer (about 20 years ago now) and was given two months to live. After praying vigorously and having people pray for her and over her, she went back for a check up 2 weeks later and there was no trace of the cancer.

I can also give many other examples. But the problem is… all these answers are more in forms of miracles.

My prayer is more simple in terms of a grand gesture being done: “Lord, please show me what path you want me to take, for whatever I choose will affect the rest of my life. This is one of the largest decisions I will ever have to make. Should I continue on this path towards a PhD or should I take a different path.”

I originally thought this prayer would be answered in terms of what schools I got into and what funding I received. I got rejected from both of my top schools, accepted to another with no funding, and then accepted to another with full funding (through a TA position). Obviously the choice was simple go to the last school. Who my advisor will be is not my top choice. But the resources there are AMAZING and the consortium of scholars in the general area is unparalleled to anywhere else.

Therefore this one university is my choice. BUT I’ve been miserable in school. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m terrified that staying in school will keep my OCD extremely active… and it will also be a constant reminder of my OCD.

I keep seeing quotes though about how it’s never too late to change the path you are on, I find a connection with characters in movies I never have before, I listen to songs that totally speak to me in a way that I can’t describe about letting go of one’s dreams in order to follow what God wants me to do, my friends think I am crazy for wanting a PhD, and I can think of more pros to changing my career path than cons. I want an adventure in life and my current path is actually extremely adventurous, but every time I go into the field it doesn’t feel like the adventure I should be on. I hate field work. I hate writing. I like lab and doing research on specific topics. But I am SO TIRED. I want a new life.

BUT how do I tell the difference between “signs,” or ¬†“God whispering to my heart,” with what my mind is just telling me because it is completely and utterly burnt out?

I feel as though I got accepted into a PhD program with funding, because well if I didn’t I am pretty sure that would have sent me into A HUGE DEPRESSION since I spent so many years going after something and not receiving the “prize.” But is getting into this ONE program the DOOR that God opened for me? Or was it just to show me that I am good enough, but he wants me to do something else??

I guess I am just kind of confused at how this whole prayer thing works. I believe in God. I believe he hears my prayers…. but how do I hear him back?

If anyone has any suggestions… please let me know… I really need to know…

 

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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