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Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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To Fulfill our Humanness

There are many things I wish to say, but I’m not quite sure how to express, to begin, or to articulate it in a coherent manner. The theme though is that of love as represented in the recent exquisitely tragic movies (both which were originally classic books) of Anna Karenina and the Great Gatsby.

What is it about tragic romances that capture our hearts… our souls? Is it because it so closely mirrors that of are own lives? The tragedy that is all around us and the happiness that always evades us?

Ironically we associate love with happiness… goodness… the apex of life… but all that it seems to bring is heartache, tears, and what may feel like the ruin of our hearts. But yet somehow… it is so hard to give up that dream so we grasp for anything that resembles it.

Love is intangible, but yet we reach towards the heavens, trying to defy gravity, ignoring the truth about how high we are and how far we have to go when we fall, trying to grasp the ungraspable with all that is within us. It is only when we fully cling on to that higher branch of the tree (that oddly feels tangible for something that should be intangible) so that it is the only thing that supports us that we realize it isn’t a branch at all, but a snake in disguise… making us fall until we catch ourselves or hit rock bottom….

In Anna Karenina, the love that fueled Anna and Alexis was that of carnal passion. There was an indescribable pull that brought these two people together… but was it “love” in the everlasting sense? If Anna hadn’t married her husband, and she met Alexis… would they have had a marriage that lasted? Their love not only destroyed their lives, but it destroyed their families and all those associated with them… but yet throughout the story you are hoping.. praying… that they would have been able to save their love.. their lives… each other. Why would we root for a couple whose love was nothing but destruction… surely within it there must have been hope… hope that it could have been true.

But then we get to the problem of “hope” in the Great Gatsby. Gatsby believed in nothing but his love for Daisy. It didn’t matter that the past was receding and he couldn’t grasp it, he still hoped with everything in him to rekindle the love they shared in the past. He hoped for love and his dream. And yet with that hope… it only ended in death… His love so pure… was not something that could lead to life… for his love lived in the past and could not thrive in the present.

So if carnal passion nor hope and belief in love can let love thrive… can it truly thrive? How are we to grasp the ungraspable? How are we to reach to the top of the tree without falling to our death? How are we to to see to the success of relationships that may only lead to destruction?

The answer I found was also in Anna Karenina, in the often overlooked side story of Kitty and Levin, which is one of the most underrated romantic stories in literature. It is not a story filled with a lot of carnal passion or extreme acts to show one’s affection but… one of innocence and purity in wanting to find one person to share their life with and give them their all.

I think that is the point of Kitty and Levin’s side story… it is to show the contrast. The carnal passion filled romance of Alexis and Anna brought only destruction, sorrow, and eventual death, but the love and romantic passion of Kitty and Levin created life.

Even when Levin thought all hope was lost and that Kitty did not love him… he continued on with his life. He did not fade away into the wind when his hope left him. He sought for understanding and reason. At points he may have stumbled and lost some hope, but he continued on… that is what is important… he brushed himself off and continued on walking through life… and when he was ready he was able to once again open the door… and his love, Kitty, came running to him.

At the end of the movie, he comes to understand that the whole time… he lived for love… and that is what kept him going… for the majority of time it was not for romantic love… but all the different forms that love can take: for his people, for his land, for his brother… and it is what gave him satisfaction in his life… it was not for reason that he lived… it was not for hope that he lived… it was not for carnal passion that he lived… but it was for love… in all its forms… for all of life.

In reference to romantic love though… Levin gives a small speech that made me completely love him:

An impure is not love to me. To admire another man’s wife is a pleasant thing but sensual desire indulged for its own sake is greed. And the misuse of something sacred was given to us so that we may choose the one person with whom to fulfill our humanness. Otherwise, we might as well be cattle.

He defines love as choosing “one person with whom to fulfill our humanness.”

Love is not all about that one person, or him, but it is an intangible decision to live your life out with another. Yet also love cannot be contained to one individual. That is how we fall… love must come from all aspects of life to support you if one branch breaks.

I’m not sure if I will ever find that love… I greatly hope for it… but I don’t want to limit my life by it like Gatsby… I want it to be something that adds on to my already good life… allows me to share my life and the wonders of the world I discover with someone else.

I also don’t want to be limited my life and love to only be about passion. Passion is of course important… but I have had my hand in a passion similar to Anna’s and I never want that it again… it only brought destruction.

Even though we can find redeeming qualities in both love stories… I want my love story to mirror that of Kitty and Levin…

I want to find a pure love like Kitty and Levine’s that creates only goodness and life.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Moments

It appears that I haven’t written in quite sometime. Mostly its because I only write when I am upset and well lately I haven’t been allowing myself to feel too much.

This weekend though I felt a lot. A lot of good. A lot of happiness. A lot of sadness. A lot of indescribable loneliness.

But the point is… is that I felt. And I am ever so grateful for that moment.

Life is made up of many moments. How long a “moment” is though differs. They can be practically ephemeral or they can feel devastatingly permanent.

This moment of my life that just ended lasted but a couple of months. I’m so sad to see the moment fade… but just like everything God puts in my life… I’ve learned from it. And I am so joyful that I had this experience and time with such a Godly individual. And now I have this amazing individual that I get to call “my friend.” 🙂

I’ve relearned what it is like to be pursued by someone in a Godly manner. I’ve learned that truly taking the time to learn about someone and their passions leads to a better relationship (whether that be one of romance or of friendship). I’ve learned that I want to be confidently pursued. I’ve learned that I like taking these slowly. And of course I’ve learned more about my flaws in relationships so that I can ensure not to repeat them in another relationship.

Even though I was immensely slow about it… I’ve learned to reopen the door to let someone in. And yet I also learned how to protect my own heart in the process of opening that door. For once I didn’t need the protection of my friends… I was pretty good at protecting myself. A lesson that I need to carry with me when I prepare one day again to open that door.

I just hope that I have the strength to open it again. But time heals all wounds. And the thing is… I don’t see this too much of a wound at all… I’m too grateful to be wounded. I’m too happy to still have a friend, compared to loneliness, to be too sad about it. I’m too appreciative of the time to allow negativity to drift in and stay.

I’ll one day be able to let someone in again.. but in the meantime I have wonderful friends and a loving God who will never leave my side and love me forever :).

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Liar, Liar, I finally saw your pants on fire…

I’ve been really good about “Fred” since the last time I posted about him… but for some reason he is really on my mind today…

I think it was because in church today the sermon was about “moving on” and several times he stressed having to move on from relationships…

This whole entire time I’ve been under the delusion that Fred and I just didn’t understand each other… that somehow we were just on different wave lengths constantly…

He treated me horribly… abusively… but I never caught him in an act that was tangible… after all he abused me… but he never hit me… it could have been all in my mind…

While thinking today… something compelled me to try to prove his innocence again or perhaps his guiltiness.. not sure which…

Remember how he at one point somehow got his hands on a marriage certificate for us? I mean I knew it couldn’t be legit b/c I wasn’t there to get the marriage certificate and you have to sign things and show your IDs so that they can ensure you aren’t related…

But I somehow convinced myself that maybe he found a loop hole around it and that the marriage certificate was real…at least real in the church…

Well… all i did was type in “Marriage certificate” into google images… and this appears…

The picture he sent me via text of our marriage certificate that he apparently “mailed” somewhere… is exactly the same except with the names of who is being married, dates, and city changed… but the “witness signatures” and the person who supposedly declared us married is exactly the same… absolutely the same…

Like right now i’m trying to convince myself that I don’t know mormon rules (apparently this is a mormon certificate)… perhaps all the marriage certificates they give are signed by the same people? But I’ve googled others… and this is the only mormon marriage certificate that I have found signed by these people…

I finally have my hard evidence that he was just an f-ing manipulator… wanting me only for sex… who on earth does something like this to someone else?

This means i can let him go now right…

Please God… please help me let him completely go…

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Fred.

Fred,

A year ago tomorrow (the 17th), i gave you all of me. I gave you my heart, soul, and body. I had already fallen in love with you… But it sealed everything. You took my virginity. You took a piece of me that I can never get back… I hope you understand the magnitude of what I gave you and why I gave it to you. Because of it you will always be in my heart whether I want you there or not. I hope you appreciate that and understand why it has been so hard for me to let you go.

I won’t ever forget you Fred. But I think I can finally let you go. Ive had a hard time letting you go. I don’t understand why but I’ve always felt so connected with you no matter what we had been through. I think it’s because you were a lot of firsts for me (besides making love) and then I couldn’t forgive myself for giving all of me to you. I’ve begun to forgive myself though just as I had already forgiven you. And I’ve realized by forgiving myself I can have those firsts back because with God’s forgiveness He washes me as clean as snow.

Please don’t attempt to respond back. I’m just writing this as one of the final pieces that I need to give you so that i can fully let you go. And also So that you know I’m ok and I’ve forgiven you.

I hope you are happy Fred. I hope you treat your current girlfriend better than you ever treated me. I hope you appreciate her in your life and that you come to love her or another woman. And let whoever that woman is love you in return.

****************

Fred,

I hate you for what you did to me.

**************

Fred,

I hate her, because you can love her and not me.

*************

Fred,

You’ve been with her for a month as of yesterday?? A MONTH! I gave you everything and I never got a month from you. 

*************

Fred,

I hate me the most, for allowing you to be in my life. 

*************

Fred,

I don’t want you to get away so easily for what you’ve done to me… but even if I yelled at you it would just bring me more pain… and you aren’t worth it. 

*************

Fred,

I hope that after our upcoming anniversary that I will be able to let you go. I still haven’t been able to.. and it appears you haven’t yet either (since you were stalking me on Linked In!) even if you now have her.

*************

Fred,

I have been debating whether to contact you on our anniversary or not which is tomorrow… Will I feel happy, sad, ok that I contacted you? But now that I think about it… I feel like it will just be like one of my compulsions… relief in the minutes I did it but hurt and confusion after…

************

Fred,

After everything… I still want you… or the you I thought/wished you were… but I deserve better than you… in fact being alone is probably better than being with you…

************

Fred,

Tomorrow marks a new year… a year without you… without the pain you caused me… a year to actually find me…

*************

Fred,

It is unfair that while I’m trying to let you go you are able to penetrate into my dreams… do I ever show up in yours?

************

Fred,

It wasn’t all my fault was it? I just wanted the perfect romance… or at least what was taught as romance in the Bible… you refused to give me what I needed, but was it all my fault?

*************

Fred,

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

*************

Fred,

A year tomorrow (the 17th), I gave you all of me. Although we didn’t work out, I hope you cherish the fact that I gave you my heart and body. I hope you are happy Fred and that you love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

*************

Fred,

*************

Fred,

*************

I must stop loving him…

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Poetry

It is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town–

that i have perhaps forgotten how, always (from,
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh) Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

–after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories

By: E.E. Cummings

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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To never have loved..

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I posted this poem almost a year ago. The reason I am posting it again is for the same reason as it was a year ago. I’m still heartbroken. Still trying to understand everything that I’ve been through. A year ago, I thought that I had experienced true and horrific pain of the heart.. but it was just the beginning of a very long, tiring, hurtful, painful and discouraging road.

It is a time that has drastically changed me. I am not who I was a year ago. Even Riley who only sees me once a year has already commented on how I am not the person I use to be. I love who I am now (well on my good days lol)… I turned adversity into beauty… but was it worth it? Was it better to have experienced that love and lost it than to never have experienced it at all?

What would be better? To be this person I am now or someone who never knew him?

If there is anything I learned from this experience, it is two things: (1) Love (not even sex but the idea of love and believing you are experiencing it) is a drug; and (2) Ignorance is Bliss.

I wouldn’t be who I was today if this hadn’t happened to me… I wanted to so badly experience love… but emotionally I believe I would have been better off if I had never experienced it… but then again perhaps not, because it did help me overcome my OCD (I think… still not sure about that)… but if I could have been ignorant in the way of never having to experience this pain… I would have taken it…

Love is a drug. Now that I’ve tasted it (even in a really bad form), it is all I want… but…

If a drug addict who had ruined his life due to the drug had the opportunity to turn back time would they say that they rather have done it and kept their whole experience as an addict and then their eventual painful withdrawal? Or would they say they wish they had never done it in the first place.

My bet is the latter.

So if love was a drug that I could have been blissfully ignorant of… I would take the chance to be ignorant of it… it is not better to have loved and lost because then you are on constant withdrawal and you make things appear better in your head than they actually were… I rather have never loved at all, so that I could feel whole. I couldn’t even fathom a year ago that it was possible to feel this broken…

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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