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Poetry

It is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town–

that i have perhaps forgotten how, always (from,
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh) Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

–after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories

By: E.E. Cummings

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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Than to Never have loved at all?

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I wanted so badly before all of this to experience love. I wanted it with every fiber of my being. But… is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

One shouldn’t envy the bird born in a cage who never got to experience the real world… but that bird always remained protected and safe. It may never have had experience joy… but it probably never experienced pain, save the constant want to fly through the open air.

What if the bird got to escape its cage for just a few moments and enjoy the open air? Is the joy that one can experience for just a little bit worth all of the pain later?

My OCD is currently telling me that I’m worthless and I don’t deserve to be happy. That I should just go back to my cage and stay there… b/c while I don’t experience joy in my cage, I don’t experience pain. It was all my fault it went bad. It was my fault it ended. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I wasn’t wantable enough. I imagined it all. It is also telling me that I’ve wasted all my time. And that I could be doing so much better in life if I hadn’t allowed this “distraction” into my life.

I’m trying so hard not to listen to the OCD. The fact that I recognize it as OCD thoughts is great. I know they are wrong. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am enough and that I am worthy of love. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. If there is anything I learned in this experience it is that I am worthy to be loved.

The pain though that I am currently dealing with though is unbearable. All I want to do is sleep. In fact, all I am doing is sleeping. I’m not crying. Just sleeping to escape the reality that I don’t want and to pretend that everything is as it was. I need to mourn properly but I don’t know how.

I learned a lot in this experience of love. I experienced pure love.

But is this pain of losing it worth it?

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? If I had stayed in my cage, I would be ok right now. Not good, not bad… but ok. I would also have remained a dreamer… a thinker that fairy tales could come true.

But really even though its all painful… I think I’m glad I left my cage and flew in the sky even for a little bit. And I still think I believe fairy tales can come true. Perhaps one day I can completely escape from my cage… and enjoy flying through the sky forever.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Caged

One of these days I’ll be brave enough to post my own poetry (I think I have a couple of times actually..but those weren’t my most intimate pieces). I know… I basically pour my soul out on here anyway and none of you actually know me personally, so what does it matter? But still there is something about poetry… I think I would somehow feel more exposed and vulnerable if I posted it.

But anyway… Meaningful Poems by famous people for today:

Fire and Ice By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

* * * * * * * *

Desire and Hate… two emotions I know well and are extremely well described in this poem. Desire can be all consuming, taking up everything in your life to the point that you forget who you are. Much like fire. Hate though… its a tricky one… I’ve never actually hated anyone… I’ve only ever hated myself… and hate is like ice. It can numb you. It can encase you in a prison that is almost impossible to escape.

I currently see myself going back into that encasement of ice.

I’m never good enough. Never worthy of love. If I wasn’t here no one would notice. All I ever do is hurt those that I love. I will never be who they want me to be. I’m just a disappointment to all.

The easiest way to contain that kind of hate… is to become numb… ice does numb things after all…

All of that use to make me hate myself. I’m trying so hard right now to try to not go back to that. I’m trying not to think of those things. Not to think like that. Trying to remember the positive.

I can find beauty in the whole world…no matter how bad the situation… I believe everyone is deserving of second chances… I believe everyone should be loved… but I have such a hard time believing that for myself. It is so much easier to believe the bad things about yourself then allow yourself to see your own beauty.

I will try though…

I will try to not let the hate win. I will try to not let the ice take over again so that I am just a robot trying to get through life. Even though love, life, and pain hurts… numbing it won’t solve my problems… it will just make it worse.

So I will stick with the pain… so that I don’t loose myself to hate.

I refuse to sink.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

* * * * * * *
So I am very well aware of the meaning of this poem. I know its really about discrimination and racism… and the oppression of African Americans in the US.

But I’ve also taken it in a very personal way…

Birds and cages… have a very personal meaning to me…

Two of my favorite quotes are currently on my wall in my bedroom.

(1) “One day I’ll Fly Away”- from Moulin Rouge

(2) “A fish may love a bird, signore, but where would they live?” “Then I will have to build you wings.”- from Ever After

I’ve decorated my room so that there is a large decal of a tree and a bird slowly trying to fly to join other birds.

My favorite necklace right now has a charm that is of a bird cage.

I’ve just always wanted to fly away and join my dreams… without anything keeping me on the ground.

I have felt like such a caged bird my whole life… in all manners of my life… from the prison my OCD created for me and in the way that I grew up. My parents kept me caged growing up… and the OCD just made that cage even more foolproof.

I recently thought that I was coming out of that cage, but I’ve realized the only way out of the cage is through continuous trust in God. He will free me. For some reason a miracle hasn’t happened yet… all of sudden the doors of my cage haven’t swung open.. there has to be reason for that… they are slowly opening a little bit at a time.. but I will continue to trust in God that one day not only will those doors swing all the way open… but they will open right into His arms and He will give me freedom to do good in the world.

* * * * * *
I hope one day that I will no longer be frozen in a cage… but beautiful and wanted.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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