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My life is truly a Comedic Tragedy…

My life really truly deeply is a comedic tragedy….

Today just went all wrong… but hilariously and depressingly so…

(1) Today I was supposed to have my thesis revisions back from my committee (a) chair/advisor #1 LOOSES my thesis. He claims to have written comments about it, but lost it. I had to send him another copy today so that he can put his “main ideas of those comments” on it… instead of the detailed one he supposedly wrote out for me (b) advisor #2 FORGETS that I was supposed to be receiving revisions from him… and says he has only “skimmed” it…. I should apparently be getting both of their comments tomorrow… but this doesn’t seem promising…

(2)… guy I’ve been dating (ok we went on like 2 dates)…. is apparently a former neo-nazi…. yea…. you can’t do anything but laugh about that one… let’s just say I won’t be speaking to him really anymore… b/c even though he says he is no longer that far to the right anymore… he isn’t disclaiming all his former beliefs… so yes… please laugh…b/c I really can’t stop laughing about this one either

(3) My MOTHER gave a way the last family dog that we had b/c she couldn’t handle having him anymore… WITHOUT TELLING ME….yea she isn’t very nice…

(4) The PhD program that I was trying to defer from apparently mixed my email up with another Samantha who denied the phd program and decided to go elsewhere. I’m not sure if this means that they took me off the enrollment and left that Samantha on… or they just thought that that Samantha wanted to defer and then denied them within the same day. Either way though… they denied me the ability to defer… so guess who will be going into a PhD program next fall. I couldn’t say no….

(5) All my close friends in my field really think I should take this opportunity. I haven’t told my main advisor yet, but I told my other “kinda” advisor… who really hates me for no reason… and you could totally read on his face and the way he worded everything that he thinks it is a bad decision for me to go…

(6) I want to hide in my bed for the rest of my life…..

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Posted by on April 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Fight

I don’t know why I am fighting myself on this. I don’t know why I know deep down I am going to end up going to the PhD program. I don’t know why I so ARDENTLY want to not go to a PhD program and find a new path in life. I don’t know why I’m so scared.

All I DO KNOW is that I don’t want to lose myself again.

REASONS TO GO TO PHD PROGRAM

  • I’m academically prepared
  • I have funding
  • A friend from my current location will also be going to a PhD program in the same city.
  • I will get to study what I am more interested in
  • I have breaks during the school year
  • I’ll get a new start
  • There will be new things to do.
  • I’ll be done with my PhD soon

REASONS NOT TO GO TO PHD PROGRAM

  • I’ll get to break out of my academic prison
  • I won’t be stuck in a life and career of criticism, arguing, bickering, etc
  • I won’t be married to academia!
  • I won’t be stuck in a world of books, lectures, and undergrads
  • May find myself outside of PhD program
  • I will have new things to do.
  • If I do… my OCD would NEVER leave me alone
  • If I do… even though I will have breaks… they won’t really be breaks… I’ll either be in the field or freaking out about the work that I need to do

REASONS TO FIND A NEW LIFE PATH

  • I’ll get to find something that brings me joy
  • I can continue finding me
  • I’ll get to break out of my academic prison
  • I’ll have time to have a hobby even if I don’t like the job I get
  • I’ll have a new start… extremely new
  • New things to do
  • When I do have breaks I won’t be freaking out about how much work I have
  • I can teach at a community college if I miss my former academia
  • I’ll have time to do volunteer work

REASONS TO NOT FIND A NEW LIFE PATH

  • I’m scared
  • I’m not good at anything besides academia
  • Parents will be mad
  • If I decide to return to academia it will take longer and may not possibly receive funding again
  • I’ll probably live with my sister and we might kill each other
  • Might ruin my life
  • when I do have breaks from work they won’t be long breaks like they are in academia.

I don’t know about you guys. Let me know what you think. But it seems to me. That the answer is staring me right in the face.

**************************************************

Answer: I shouldn’t go into the PhD program

What will I really end up doing: I still have no idea

 

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Laundry and PhD Programs

Hmmm… Laundry and PhD programs… what possibly could these two things have in common??? My OCD! lol

So as I said in my last post, my OCD is doing MUCH better. I am extremely functional, but I do have my ups and downs. I have been taking one fear at a time. Like I used to be extremely obsessive about possible contamination on my shoes. Anytime that I handled my shoes (such as putting them on or tying them) I HAD to wash my hands. I have now gotten to the point that I don’t HAVE to wash my hands even though I still have a really strong urge to do it. Every once in a while I slip and physically NEED to wash my hands, but thankfully that is slowly becoming rarer.

Something I have not been able to overcome though is laundry. The picture below is a picture of the amount of laundry I have accumulated in less than a week.

Laundry honestly freaks me out. You go out into the world wearing one outfit. You sit on things other people have sat on. The bottom of your jeans touch who knows what on the ground. You get who knows what on you. And then you know your own body sweat and stuff gets on them. Clothes to me are EXTREMELY contaminating.

When I get home in the evenings the first thing I do is change to another outfit. Usually I change into something comfortable (such as sweat pants) and just end up wearing that as PJs. But then this leads to the problem that since I put this on at like 6pm the idea of rewearing PJs the next day is a complete and utter no go. Even if I didn’t get into my Pjs until midnight, I still can’t reware them. So basically I go through 2 outfits a day. Also, don’t forget those days in which something ‘contaminating’ happens to an outfit so I have to switch clothes. Then there is again the whole fact that I can’t rewear clothes without washing at all. I mean I know some people will wear jeans and sweaters multiple times prior to washing, but ut this is something I cannot do, and is actually really bad for my clothes. I was always told growing up that you didn’t need to wash sweaters that much since you had a shirt on underneath. But I am not really that afraid of what my own body will put on the sweater, but the outside contaminates getting on it.

So also I am one of those people who have to use a new towel every day after getting out of the shower. I know this isn’t energy efficient, and logic says that when you dry off your clean body your towel is still clean. But I can’t do it. What if your towel accidentally hits something that isn’t clean and then gets contaminated and then you dry off the next day with a contaminated towel?

 

I also have a problem with drying my hair with the same towel that I dry my body off with. What if I missed washing a part of my body really well and so got the towel contaminated and then I contaminated my hair? So I usually use a separate towel/ shirt (if I don’t have an extra towel) to dry my hair. So basically this all ends up in this huge pile of clothes/towels/hand towels (I’m the worst about these because who knows what gets on your hand towel, if you just rinsed your hands off instead of completely soaping them up) at the far end of my room. At $1.50 to wash and $1.75 to dry let me tell you, this gets pretty pricey. At the beginning of my OCD I was probably spending $60 a month on laundry. Honestly. I haven’t gotten much better. I’m probably at $45.

Laundry is just terrifying! And then when I actually go to wash my laundry, I am terrified of touching my dirty clothes and then the washing machine, because I don’t want to contaminate the washing machine! So I have a ritual: (1) Use clean laundry bag to collect dirty clothes (a) use left hand to hold bag… keep hand from being contaminated by clothes (b) use right hand to pile dirty clothes in (c) once all clothes are in, switch hands in which the bag is in so that uncontaminated hand can be used to open doors (2) get down to basement using left hand (uncontaminated to open doors and washing machine door) (3) Put money in washing machine and Open soap thingy with uncontaminated hand but use contaminated hand in order to poor soap in (I’m a right hander so that hand is needed for coordination. I have designated my soap container contaminated so its ok. I won’t touch it with my uncontaminated hand). (4) Use contaminated hand to then unload bag into washing machine also throw bag into washing machine after clothes are in (5) close washing machine door with left (uncontaminated hand) (6) go back up stairs using left hand to open doors. (7) turn on sink with left hand (8) wash hands and portions of arms in which contaminated clothes touched. THE END.

So as you can see… Laundry is scary!!!! and mentally exhausting! So that is why I accumulate such a large pile, because it’s so exhausting to get laundry done!

And now I’m also obsessing about PhD programs. I applied to 4 schools. I know for a fact that I am supposed to be hearing back from the school I currently go to on Wednesday or Thursday. Another school I’m supposed to find out in “mid february” (which is now) and the other two I have no idea. So I’m in this constant state of panic.

I don’t want to get in! I want to get in! What If I do get in??? What if I don’t get in??? Why do I care??? Why do I not care enough??? Its like I have multiple personalities in which I just can’t make up my mind about what I want or what I want to hope for.

If I don’t get in I am going to be  HUGE FAILURE. My OCD is telling me my family will never love me again, and my life will be over. But I don’t want to get in, because well see other posts. But some days like today I really love what I do. But the bad days out weigh the good days, but in the end is it worth it???

AAARRRRGGGGGGG.

I’m scared about either result I get. This is a lose lose situation. 😦

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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