RSS

Tag Archives: dating

Y’all I have issues…

So originally, I was going to post this really happy post about how wonderful life is… because it really is… life is amazing… well maybe amazing is a little to strong… but I seem to be more happy than sad which is good!

But then I had a realization today about myself… and while I’ll try to post something happy next time (b/c this blog is really lacking in happiness)… right now I need to post this… horrible realization that I have had… that is nonetheless absolutely hilarious…

Y’all… I’m a slut…

I fully admit…

I’m a slut…

a love slut…

No I’m not sleeping around… but I give my love away willingly to people with no care in the world!

Seriously?! What is wrong with me?! Am I a masochists?

There was Fred… who I would have followed any where in the world… and when I was FINALLY tired of being used and realized that he was totally an emotional abuser, I finally got rid of him… but that lasted how long? 4 1/2 month ish? The whole entire time I was saying “HERE IS MY HEART! TAKE IT!! I GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!”

I was so willing!! so wanting! And it wasn’t/isn’t that I want love in return… (well I do but..)… I just want someone to let me love them! What is wrong with that???

Yes I’m totally quoting Twilight here but one of the Chapter Titles from Jacob Black’s perspective is “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.”

Its like I seriously want to be the wizard of oz. I just really want someone to take what I give them and be grateful for it.

And well… the reason I feel slutty… well this part isn’t as hilarious as above… but good and bad at all the same time… is that I’ve met someone wonderful… We’ve officially been together for 5 weeks… he appreciates me… he cherishes me… he takes good care of me… he is the biggest goofball and makes me constantly laugh… and he loves video games and playing them with me! He isn’t embarrassed of me and introduced me to his best friend who visited from out of town, and takes me to church with him… its been 5 weeks and we’ve yet to have a fight… he is so good to me…

but its only been 5 weeks… and what do we find? I find that I think I’m falling in love with him…

You think that would be good… but I thought I was in love with Fred 2 months ago… I would have married him the second he had asked me (well before he pretended to attempt suicide and failed and then got angry at me for contacting his parents b/c I thought he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere… seriously this kid needs to go on Jerry Springer…)…

is it just b/c I am a love slut? is it just b/c I want to give my love so badly to someone else that I find that I’m falling “in love” with this amazing new guy?

I love that he and I are taking things slow… but I’m freaking out b/c I haven’t heard from him at all today (and I only heard from him very briefly over the past two days… like not real conversations)… and I’m freaking out that he is mad at me… for some unknown reasons (well actually I have kinda of a reason but I’m too embarrassed to post it… but lets just say it has to do with personal limits and me telling him that I’m ready to go beyond those personal limits and him turning me down… and now i feel like he thinks I’m a legit slut…) and that he will do what Fred did and stop talking to me because he was upset with me and not tell me why…

But in reality… I’m sure he is just insanely busy with work stuff and is stressed and not thinking about me… because I should be confident in what we have?

but… um… hello!!!! I’m the least confident person in the world!!!!!

and so really… this could be all about nothing… but I’m sitting here trying to come up with all the logical things of why he could be mad at me and how to bring up this conversation in the first place… but really I just need to focus on the fact that he isn’t Fred and he wouldn’t do that to me…

and the sad thing is I’m 98% sure this isn’t OCD obsessing but just me obsessing about something that isn’t even real because in truth he is probably just busy…

but I just want him to let me love him… whats wrong with just asking how someone’s day was? Urg… I am OCD obsessing over being clingy… b/c Fred always told me that I was being clingy… and so I don’t want to be clingy to new boy… so I’ve only tried to communicate with him once today instead of sending multiple texts… but maybe new boy will think that I don’t like him b/c I am not worried that I haven’t heard from him???

And like the simple thing would be to just talk to him about it… but I’m afraid if I talk to him about fearing that he is angry at me b/c I haven’t heard from him (when it really is just all rooted in how I was treated by Fred) that he will think I’m clingy and dump me… so I don’t even want to talk about it with him…

Urg… why are relationships so hard!!!

Why won’t anyone just let me love them!!! I want to be a love slut to only one individual by golly!!! Why is that so hard!!!

***UPDATE*** Omg!!! It turns out he got his appendix taken out and that is why I haven’t heard from him!!! I feel so bad now thinking something was wrong with “us” when he was in the hospital!! Why did no one tell me?? I mean there are a lot of legit reasons like his phone had died and he doesn’t have my phone number memorized so couldn’t call me from the hospital when he realized what it was… or he left his phone at work b/c he was in such pain and didn’t think about brining his phone and again didn’t have my number memorized… he let me know the moment he got home though… thankfully his mom flew in and is here for him… I want to go to him… but he just had major surgery… I dont’ want to be in the way of his mom… especially in his tiny apartment… urg… boys and their lack of communication!!! Either way as soon as he is recovered we are having a talk about him contacting me if he goes to the hospital!

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Heartache…

My heart hurts so bad…

All I want is for him to call me and tell me he realizes he was wrong. To tell me that he is sorry for hurting me so badly. Sorry that he pretended to love me and didn’t. Sorry that he thought he could protect me and he couldn’t.

I’ve already apologized on the parts I screwed up on… is it such a difficult thing for him to admit that he was wrong?

I really can’t do this anymore… anytime I think of him it just makes it worse. Every fiber of me aches for him… even though our whole relationship just wasn’t right.. I miss him so much… but this isn’t healthy for me.

I think I can promise myself though not to write of him again. I may not be able to make my thoughts keep their word about not thinking of him, but I can keep my fingers from writing about him.

Until he apologizes in person with flowers of very specific color… I shall write of him no more.

*sigh*

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Trust, Hurt, and Missing

I really hate how much I miss him… how could anyone fall in love with anyone in less than 3 weeks? It doesn’t make sense.

Plus he didn’t love me. How could he? He barely knew me. I mean on a very intimate level he somehow did. He knew things about me that I never told him, but somehow he just knew me. He didn’t know my best friend’s name or the particulars of what I studied and have dedicated my life to. But yet he still knew me behind the materialistic aspects of life.

I still can’t get over the fact that God gave him the signs he prayed for when we first met, but yet I didn’t get mine. Perhaps it was God’s way of saying that I was the woman for him, but he was not yet the man for me?

I mean who has so many fights and has trust issues at the very beginning of a relationship?

Perhaps the problem is is that we just “trusted” each other from the very beginning. But trust just isn’t something that you give to everyone you initially meet and they have it until they are proven “untrustworthy”… no trust is something you build up for someone.

Sigh… every time I hear my phone make a sound… a small ray of hope thinks that it may be him, telling me that he realizes he was wrong. And that he misses me.

I wonder if he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking of him?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Wanting…

So another school year is currently closing. I turned in my MA thesis on Friday. All I have left is a batch of essays to grade by Tuesday and then Tuesday I receive Finals to grade. And then my semester will be over. My school year will be over. My MA degree will be complete.

I find that once again I am headed to the unknown. It isn’t something that is uncommon for me. This will be my 14th move… or 15th if you count that one time my family just moved to a new house in the same town.

I’m excited for the change. I’m in need of it. I don’t know what it is like not to change. The fact that I am about to go into a PhD program where I have to commit to being somewhere for 5 years scares me! (I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years). But then again for much of that PhD program I will be in and out of the country.

I’m excited to once again be able to recreate myself from scratch. I’m going somewhere new where I know no one. No one will know I have OCD. No one will know that I am really shy. No one will know that I’m lonely.

I can be whoever I want to be.

I’ve always viewed change as a good thing. But I am realizing lately how really it hasn’t been good for me.

After I move somewhere there are very few people who I keep in contact with from my previous location. I mean yes we are Facebook friends. But really is a Facebook friend a “friend”?

As I am starting to pack up and getting ready to go… I’m realizing that there are very few people where I am at right now who I will probably end up saying good bye too. I have always found that the easiest way to leave somewhere is to just go. Tear of the band-aid. Saying Goodbye to people I know I will never see again…what is the point?

I let people go too easily.

To be honest though… I want stability in my life. And I can tell you right now that stability is not something I find in my family. Every time I get off the phone with a family member I wonder if I’ve done something wrong and someone will no longer speak to me.

I want to be wanted.

Just in terms of having friends. I always feel 2nd class to many of my friends. It is often because I am younger than most of the people in my cohort. So many view me as “naive,” but honestly I am not. I find that with many of my friends I’m like the little sister or even a pet.

Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to protect me. Everyone wants to play with me (in terms of making fun of me in a loving way, dying my hair, going to play on swing sets/ video games, random wrestling matches). Yet no one wants their little sister to come out partying with them. Or tell them their deepest secrets. I’m too fragile to hang out with them. I’m too pure and innocent to be able to handle what is in their lives (which is complete and utter crap).

I mean to be honest. I am the youngest of 4. So I do know how to be the younger sister and I am much younger than most of my friends, but still. For once, I want to be first to someone. Even just to a friend.

I know I lost many of the few friends that I did have this year, with my OCD melt down. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I thought I was going crazy and I thought the more I distanced myself the less likely they would be hurt by me (one of my greatest OCD fears). But I was easily replaced. I was/am easily forgotten.

I have also never had a real romantic connection with anyone. As a lover of all Romantic movies this has always been a really depressing aspect of my life. I want to believe true love exists. I want to have it. But for some reason I can never obtain it. I can’t even get someone who isn’t a creeper to give me a second glance. I mean I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I believe I am a nice person and funny.

I’ve been in love with this one specific individual, for a very long time. I finally recently got the guts to let him know. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I just had to do it. So I did. But I shouldn’t have. Because it just makes me realize even more so that I always come in 2nd.

I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be in wanting.

But I’m never good enough. Maybe this go around when I move to my new location, I will create a new me who is good enough. I’ll be someone that someone will want.

Maybe I am just not deserving though…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,