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Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ

 
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Posted by on June 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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“‘Because you don’t notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it till you get it exactly right.’”

“But forgiveness… I’ll hold on to that fragile slice of hope and keep it close, remembering that in each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice. We’re each of us our own chiaroscuro, our own bit of illusion fighting to emerge into something solid, something real. We’ve got to forgive ourselves that. I must remember to forgive myself. Because there’s an awful lot of gray to work with. No one can live in the light all the time.”

“When the music is over, she keeps her head down till she finds her seat again, and I wonder how many times each day she dies a little.”

So I’m not sure how to title this post. I’m a little unsure of how this post will go in general. I’ve been at my sister’s house doing absolutely nothing but babysitting her dogs in a town I’ve never been in and no car to go anywhere. So basically I am bored out of my mind. But it has allowed me to do a lot of reading and reflect upon what I read.

As I mentioned I’ve been reading the trilogy A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray. I read the first book many years ago when I was still in high school. At that time I wasn’t really ready for the book. I found it really dark and disturbing. Obviously I’ve reread it and I’m now in love with the book. I think my high school reaction was due to the fact that I led an extremely sheltered life and I couldn’t relate to anything in the book.

I couldn’t relate to the darkness that was within and the light that hope brought to it. I had never really experienced it before. Of course I had hardships growing up, I mean you can read this blog and clearly see that…. but the darkness inside of me I tried my hardest to hide and so I forgot it was within me.

As I mentioned before, OCD plagued me as a young child… I didn’t understand why I was having such disturbing thoughts. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t evil. As I aged though I found that the easiest way to deal with it was to ignore it. Pretend that there was nothing wrong with me, so there would be nothing wrong with me (even though I did some ridiculous compulsions… but I would just forget about it right after it happened).  But as Libba Bray puts elegantly in her book  “you can’t keep up the illusion forever,” …“No one has that much magic.” 

When I had my OCD melt down in undergrad…when my illusion finally broke… I can’t describe the constant pain I was in. I wasn’t dying a little everyday… all of me was dying everyday… only to be cursed to be reincarnated in the same body the next day and the next… to feel the constant pain and torment from the thoughts that plagued me. Thoughts of harming myself and others… thoughts that I was evil… thoughts that no matter what I did I was damned.

I fought it so hard. And with OCD… often the more you fight it without using the right type of therapy (which I wasn’t in therapy at all b/c I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with me beyond thinking I was evil) the worse it gets, because your brain gets stuck on repeat on the same horrible thoughts. Now that I know it was OCD that plagued my life, you think I could forgive myself… but honestly I still find that I can’t. What in the first place could possibly get those types of thoughts in my head? I had those thought… I couldn’t stop them… and what scared me even more was the constant thought it my head to stop fighting and to give into the thoughts and make them into actions. I’m proud and relieved to say that I NEVER acted on those thoughts… but the idea that I might act on the thoughts was a persistent OCD fear. I couldn’t trust anyone or anything… especially me. So really my OCD was like this: I would have a horrible obsession.. say harm obsession… then I would freak out that I would actually do it.. which would then make me obsesses over whether I was truly an evil person… and then my compulsion was to take myself out of the game and/or ask for reassurance. Confine myself to a life of academia and in my apartment so that I could never hurt anyone, as my obsessional thoughts were making me think I was going to do.

How can I forgive myself for this? How can I trust myself? How do I know that this really is OCD and I’m not evil? What person could possibly have these thoughts and still be a good person?

And knowing that it is OCD has honestly made me feel better… but also worse in some ways… I feel like I’m being desensitized to some of my horrible thoughts. When I realize one is rolling in I’m like “oh this is an OCD thought don’t pay attention to it.” I then begin to think of something else such as the weather outside. I let the “train pass by” trying not to give it a second glance so to speak. The problem is though… is that I realize that I have these thoughts still… and that they are just becoming a normal piece of my life… but I DON’T WANT THESE THOUGHTS EVER IN MY MIND. How can I possibly make them go away forever????? I don’t want to become desensitized, because what if being desensitized is what leads someone to taking action because it “really isn’t that big of a deal?”

Its like I’m constantly fighting the darkness within me. I don’t want to be dark at all. I want to help people. I want to make people’s lives better. I don’t care if my name is remembered or if my actions are known… I just want to bring happiness to someone who has never known it or heal the soul of someone who needs it. ….But… I’m too terrified of myself… I can’t bring myself to get close to anyone b/c what if I accidentally do something to hurt them?

So with the OCD… the obsessional thoughts have stopped thanks to medication.. but… its more like that I now have this haunting thought lying beneath all my other thoughts and motivations “what if my soul is really a dark place? what if I’m not good? what if I can’t ever control my thoughts?… and eventually what if my thoughts take over my actions?”

Maybe I should just continue taking myself out of the game. So that I can’t hurt anyone. Because what kind of life can I currently lead? I’m too scared of doing something wrong.

So maybe this is where I belong… in a city where no one knows who I am… doing a meaningless task of taking care of my sister’s dogs… it affects someone right? so I am doing good somehow right? But I’m out of the game of my life… I don’t want the control of my life nor do I want my thoughts to control my life… but how can one really live that way?

Do I need to do as this book suggests and find the balance between light and dark? Realize that I really am the light… but sometimes darkness overtakes my thoughts? Darkness may lie in my thoughts but I need to fight for the balance so that only light leaves as an action out of my body.

After all  “you don’t notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it till you get it exactly right.’”

I can’t stop living life… so I must find a balance… between my OCD and who it is I am and want to be.. a light in this dark world and within myself. I must emerge as something beyond an illusion and become the solid person I am… bringing hope and compassion to the world. Now that I’ve had a taste of darkness… even just in my own thoughts… I feel as though I can now help those more readily who are still searching for some hope of light.

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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