So now that I’m a real person (you know someone with a real paying job… even if it isn’t that much money lol)… I find that beyond 9 to 5pm Monday through Friday… I have absolutely NOTHING to do… I’m not sure what to do with myself…
I love reading and watching movies… but I find that they don’t have the same allure as they did when I was procrastinating.. when I was in school reading or watching a movie was like a tiny rebellion in me… “No! I refuse to do school work!! So I’m gonna sit on the couch and watch this movie/read this book… and feel guilty but also rebellious about my life!!!! I’m my own person! I can choose not to do school work!” ….but now that that isn’t a part of me… yea I still want to read/watch movies… but it seems to have lost a tiny bit of its spark… is that weird? lol
And when it comes to video games… man I could never feel ok about doing that in academia… I felt like an absolutely horrible person for even thinking about playing a video game… because one can get so engrossed in the story line/ need to beat the bad guy in Donkey Kong that you forget what time it is and what you are supposed to be doing… and a WHOLE DAY goes by when you realize you’ve done no school work… I know I can play now… but a part of me still feels really really guilty doing so… and it actually isn’t a rebellious feeling… but a “I’m wasting my life feeling” that I forced myself to have so that I wouldn’t play during the school year… and I can’t get that feeling to go away! Its so annoying!!
So at the end of the day… I don’t want to read/watch movies/ play video games… so what does that leave me open for? Having friends…
I have a serious lack of friends in Chicago… I don’t lack friends in the emotional sense at all… in fact I’m pretty sure I have too many lol… but geographically the only friend I have is my roommate and a girl from bible study who I will call Marisa.
As I think I mentioned elsewhere… I blame most of this on Fred… he kept me away from having friends, and I always had to be free for him if he all of a sudden decided he had time for me in his life… Once I finally got rid of Fred, I was finally able to make closer friends with the individuals in my cohort… but now that it is summer they are all off doing their fieldwork or visiting family/friends… so they’ve basically left me a lone in Chicago… and then I made fantastic friends with the Ex… but of course talking is at a bare minimum with him right now.
I was hoping now that I had more time I would be able to get more fully involved with bible study… but guess what? yes they seem to have decided to go on a summer break… 😦
But the moment I think “Whoa is me I lack friends…” I have a friend from the past remind me how awesome they are and what a great relationship we have. For example over the past two weeks I have had friends from WAY out of town come visit. One of those friends was the friend I call Courtney (who I’ve mentioned in a past post) who was my undergraduate roommate and the other was a fantastic friend (who we will call Rose) that I met during the worst summer of my life (yea… the OCD going severe summer 2011).
I can’t express to you how much I needed to see my Courtney. She has been going through such a tough time and it has been weighing heavily on my heart. She is just as how I remembered her. There is no one in this world who could ever come close to the amazingness that is Courtney. She is such a strong woman and still yet her vivacious, bubbly, optimistic self. She stayed with me for several days and it was so easy to fall back into our usual talking routine… which is basically talking nonstop lol.
And then Rose came to visit, for a very brief day… but I was so happy to see her. I wouldn’t have survived that summer in Mexico if it wasn’t for her. She is the one who listened to all my freaking-outs and gave me all the reassurance that I needed (although I KNOW I annoyed the crap out of her… I can never mention batteries or cement to her again… two things I was deathly afraid of hahahahahha). Since she was a part of my academic life… it did make me rethink my life choice that I made… but yet it also oddly reaffirmed my decision… Rose is a very down to earth, tells it like it is, normal person, so it was great to know that I could still hang out with her and have fun beyond all my obsessive worries that took over summer 2011.
But still… here I am… geographically alone… with no one to hang out with.
Yesterday after writing my last post though I made a decision. I was going to once again put God at the center of my life, for He is the one I should be relying on to help me through this geographically friendless time. I also realized that my relationship with him seems to have slipped from where it was at. At the climax of the whole Fred thing, I was closer to God than I have ever been. He answered my prayers by sending the Ex and Marissa into my life. I got comfortable though… because I wasn’t having a major crisis in my life anymore… I stopped focusing on that relationship… things didn’t exactly fall apart because of that… but they didn’t go as amazingly as I know they could have gone (except the whole getting a job so quickly) if I had continued to focus on God.
So I made this decision yesterday… and guess what… a prayer has already been answered… guess whose small bible group decided to no longer take a summer break? I know! I’m super excited and its obviously an answered prayer.
But with all this free time… I need to focus on not becoming comfortable and continue striving in my relationship with God. Because if I have learned anything about relationships from the past year its that one person (in this case God) can’t pursue the other individual… they have to pursue each other… my role isn’t idle but very much active.
So I am hopping once I get my relationship with God back on track He will provide me with other avenues to make more relationships (of the friend variety for now… I need a break from guys lol).
Well at least I have a game plan for this Free Time… and I can only see good things coming from it if I keep at it! 🙂