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Monthly Archives: June 2013

He speaks to my soul

So my post yesterday wasn’t exactly cheerful… in fact it was pretty depressing… after I wrote it I was so sad.. and felt really lonely… and I had decided to just go to bed.

Well I looked over and once again saw my daily devotional and I thought “there is no way that the devotional today applies to me… it just completely applied to me last time… no way that can happen twice in a row when I’m feeling down…”

But I decided to pick it up anyway and read the devotional for that day… and boy was I ever so wrong… guys there is no doubt in my mind that God is speaking to my soul…

You are My beloved child. I choose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to proposer you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you, to spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.

Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.- Ephesians 1:4

Also read: Proverbs 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 1:13-14

Oh how God soothes my soul with love ❤

 

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ

 
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Posted by on June 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Before writing this post, I was having a “woe” is me moment…

…Something has just been feeling off lately… work is wonderful and I love going to it everyday… its just during the week when I’m not working and on the weekends… I don’t know exactly what to do with myself… it seems that I’ve lost the passion for many things… because I’m not using those things to procrastinate (see previous post)… or maybe just because I lack the energy… I mean work is tiring but nothing that should be leaving me this drained… I’ve been trying to think why… I mean I know I need to eat healthier and such that would probably help… but I have been eating better than I use to and the energy still lacks… I still partly blame the meds… I don’t ever remember being this foggy prior to starting Prozac and Klonopin (and I’m so glad that I don’t take Klonopin anymore… that stuff really kicks you on your butt lol)..

..and then I realized I’m just making excuses and finding other people to blame besides myself…

… something related to this is that I feel farther from God than I normally do… at first I didn’t understand why… I was doing all the things I normally do when it comes to my relationship with God… except I remembered how close I was with Him when I was going through all my trials this year… why am I still not that close?

Why is it that any romantic relationship I am in, I want to be actively participating and ready to work on things… but when it comes to my relationship with God, I just put it on the back burner…

God is always there for me… and I can be as clingy as I want with him (lol)… but yet… I’m not always there for Him… He put me in this amazing new job for a reason… one of those I think was so that I had free time to volunteer… I use to have such a passion for helping the less fortunate… but every time I think about starting I just keep telling myself “next week”… and thats what I keep doing with God… I keep saying that I will get closer to him “but tomorrow… I’m too tired today”… there is something very wrong with that…

Maybe my lack of energy and passion is my lack of focus… and where should my focus be? On God!

I also think I have a lot of fear holding me back… fear of not being able to handle things… fear of being unwanted… fear of not being perfect enough…

so while I was totally having this “woe” is me moment… I decided “eh… I guess I’ll just stretch my arm out and grab my daily devotional book called Jesus Calling (if you never have read it… get it now!)… and God is totally reaching out to me through this devotional passage

Trust Me and don’t be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting Me and singing My Song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts. Do not despise this weakness in yourself since I am using it to draw you closer to Me. Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort. You are not alone in this struggle for your mind. My Spirit living with you is every ready to help in this striving. Ask Him to control your mind; He will bless you with Life and Peace.— then it references Isaiah 12:2 and Romans 8:6

First off, for an OCD individual WOW… “fear”, “battle for control of your mind”, “years of worry”, “fear dissipate[s] your energy”… and the OCD is something I very much despise about myself… yet I shouldn’t b/c I need to use it to keep myself close with God… this reminds me of what I learned in the book Can christianity cure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder… So many famous Christians are believed to have had it including Martin Luther and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux… I need to read it again (it was the first OCD book I read when I was diagnosed)… but much of what the author wrote about Saint Thérèse of Lisieux mirrored much of my struggles with OCD… but from what the book said her devotion to God grew and grew even as her OCD became more and more severe…

Now that my OCD is mild to practically not present that should not mean that I don’t need to draw towards God… in fact the opposite is true.. outside of OCD (for it is not something that I should define myself by… yes I lived with it for most of my life and didn’t know what it was until 2 years ago… but I am not my OCD)… I still NEED God… I have a constant need for Him… And I need to recognize it and DO something about it… maybe my lack of energy has been because I’m not doing as God has intended for me to do… I seemed to have lost my passion for God and with that went my passion for life… because after all there is no life without God… I need my passion back for my God… my God who will always love me and cherish me… who will never leave or forsake me… because His love its extravagant… and nothing in this world will ever compare to it…

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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OCD Everywhere!!!!!

I don’t know why today… but my OCD has been freaking out all day… mostly this afternoon

I guess there could be several causes: (1) started new birth control pack a day late… so it messed up hormones**** or (2) I caused it upon myself because I was channeling my inner OCD perfectionist in order to get my office completely organized they way I like it (compared to the absolute disorganized mess the person I replaced left it in)…

But seriously… where ever I look my greatest OCD fear is there!!!

My Day + OCD Fear

8:15 am- band-aid

I’m just walking to the bus stop… minding my own business… and lo’ and behold!! What is it that is on the ground!!! A bandaid!!! As some of you may have read in another post… bandaids scare the crap out of me… seriously!!! Hep C is sooooo scary!!!!! I’ve been much better at handling them… so thankfully I wasn’t too freaked out about this

8:30am- peanut

y’all know how I feel about peanut butter… but the only seat available on the bus had a peanut on the seat (and with my whole foot situation right now I prefer to sit rather than stand b/c well… balance isn’t something I have lol)!! At first I didn’t believe it… I was like “no way could that be a peanut… i’m just gonna sit (whatever it was was within this little indent thing so I couldn’t really feel it when I sat)”…. I finally stand up to get off the bus… and guess what! It was a peanut!! seriously!!! So then I start freaking out that i’m going to spread killer peanut materials everywhere!!!! Perhaps I should have cleaned it up so if the person who sat down next was allergic to peanuts they wouldn’t die… OMG!!! is it all my fault someone is going to have an allergic reaction???

Then my day went pretty well until after lunch… 

1pm- Batteries

I don’t think I have ever gone into detail on this blog (except a little here) about my fear of batteries… but the idea of what is contained in the battery and the possibility of them exploding and the mercury stuff getting into the water of mexico use to keep me up many nights… but I was completely reorganizing my office area today and what did I come across in random places?? but batteries!! Are they old? Have they been used? Are they new?? I don’t know!! Nor do I have anything to try them out in (and even if I did I would be terrified they would explode on me)… maybe I should just throw them away??? but no!!! You can’t throw away batteries!!! Do they have a way to recycle them here?? What if they don’t and they want me to throw them away??? And then its going to be all my fault that the environment is destroyed!!!!!

5pm- Children

Children… everywhere on the city buses (b/c school just got out) Children scare me… mostly because they are sooooo easily contaminatable (my new word lol)…. they don’t have the immune system we have! What if they get sick b/c they get near me or touch my bag or something?? Did my giant purse run into that homeless guy who most likely has germs on him, giving me the germs, and now I just transferred it to the kid???? ahhh!! Protect your child from all contamination!!!

6pm- Biohazard bag

I’m just walking home from the bus stop and what on earth do I almost step on?? but a biohazard bag!! what the crap??? why is that just on the sidewalk!!! Did i accidentally touch it with my foot?? DId my bag touch it??? Am i now biohazardess???

6:30pm- cement

All I want to do is take my puppy outside on a walk… all we are doing is walking to a grass area across the street… but oh look they are redoing the sidewalk… oh wow… their is wet cement… I’ve never gone into my fear about cement on this blog… but again it was a fear that arose around the same time as the whole battery thing (Summer 2011… worst summer of my life..)… but since I don’t feel like reexploring that fear too much b/c I’ll freak myself out more than I am already freaked out… lets just say it scares the crap out of me… so thoughts “Did my puppy get to near the cement???? Was their dry powdery cement near the wet cement that she walked in and then its going to get wet at some point and she is going to have a small encasement of cement on her??? did she digest powdery cement??? did it get on me??? ahhhhhhhhhh!”

So suffice to say… today wasn’t a good day… my OCD hasn’t been this active in a while… I think I will blame both of the reasons above… blah… but still looking on the bright side… I’m actually doing pretty good… I mean part of my brain is turning over and over again… but I don’t really feel anxious… I just know to think “oh whatever… thats just the OCD… I’ll ignore the over active part of my brain right now… if this had been a year and a half ago I would have saw that peanut and gone directly home to hide under my covers… I’m no where near as bad as I was… In fact… I’m even sitting hear already laughing at this post and my thought process because I know I sound pretty crazy… I know everything is going to be fine… which is why I am calm and actually not freaking out at all really… I haven’t washed my hands or changed clothes yet to today… I’m 1,000 times better than I would have been when this all first started… I’m handling it… and I’m so proud of myself

but still… I don’t want to jinx it and accidentally make it turn out into a full out panic attack or something… so for now I’m just going to curl up and watch Warm Bodies (i’ve heard great things about this movie!) and wait for tomorrow to come so I will really be laughing at everything… because the best way to cope with everything is laughter 🙂

I hope y’all are having a great day!

****So random OCD knowledge that might help some of you… when you are menstruating… the loss of blood actually makes your OCD worse b/c with that blood you are also loosing serotonin (which is what we OCDers lack)! So being on birth control helps me maintain my serotonin levels hormonally (along with my prozac which I guess is more chemically) and then I know when to expect my serotonin levels to go lower (since the pills make you regular), making it easier to handle the OCD… so yea something that may be helpful for some of y’all to know! Its much easier to handle my OCD certain times of the month now that I take birth control.

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Ankle

So I know one of my New Years Resolution was to learn how to fail… and I have finally seemed to fail at something this year… BUT THE WORST THING EVER!!!

I failed physical therapy…. hahahahahaha I know!!!! Who on earth fails at physical therapy???

I broke/sprained my ankle two months ago… I sooooo expected to be completely and utterly fine now… but apparently since I had two fractures and a bad sprain… it takes longer? I guess? lol

But I was supposed to finish physical therapy last Friday… but nope.. i’m on the books for more weeks! yay! not! lol

So basically… I’m just whining and laughing at myself and wishing that I could actually walk normally.

I’m out of my walking boot and I have been out of it for like 3 weeks… but I’m only allowed to wear tennis shoes… which btw trying to find work appropriate tennis shoes that aren’t hideous… VERY DIFFICULT! I have sooo many new cute work outfits but they all look funny with tennis shoes… *sigh* I miss wearing pretty heals and flats… I miss walking normally…

And I still haven’t been able to work off my stress weight from the end of the school year which is sooo annoying! I actually have time to work out, but yea… with my ankle and the whole failing physical therapy… not gonna happen anytime soon… plus with my current track record I would probably just break the other ankle lol 😉

So…

Dear Ankle,

HURRY UP AND HEAL PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!— I don’t like failing! Even if its physical therapy!

Love, the rest of your annoyed body 😉

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Free Time

So now that I’m a real person (you know someone with a real paying job… even if it isn’t that much money lol)… I find that beyond 9 to 5pm Monday through Friday… I have absolutely NOTHING to do… I’m not sure what to do with myself…

I love reading and watching movies… but I find that they don’t have the same allure as they did when I was procrastinating.. when I was in school reading or watching a movie was like a tiny rebellion in me… “No! I refuse to do school work!! So I’m gonna sit on the couch and watch this movie/read this book… and feel guilty but also rebellious about my life!!!! I’m my own person! I can choose not to do school work!” ….but now that that isn’t a part of me… yea I still want to read/watch movies… but it seems to have lost a tiny bit of its spark… is that weird? lol

And when it comes to video games… man I could never feel ok about doing that in academia… I felt like an absolutely horrible person for even thinking about playing a video game… because one can get so engrossed in the story line/ need to beat the bad guy in Donkey Kong that you forget what time it is and what you are supposed to be doing… and a WHOLE DAY goes by when you realize you’ve done no school work… I know I can play now… but a part of me still feels really really guilty doing so… and it actually isn’t a rebellious feeling… but a “I’m wasting my life feeling” that I forced myself to have so that I wouldn’t play during the school year… and I can’t get that feeling to go away! Its so annoying!!

So at the end of the day… I don’t want to read/watch movies/ play video games… so what does that leave me open for? Having friends…

I have a serious lack of friends in Chicago… I don’t lack friends in the emotional sense at all… in fact I’m pretty sure I have too many lol… but geographically the only friend I have is my roommate and a girl from bible study who I will call Marisa.

As I think I mentioned elsewhere… I blame most of this on Fred… he kept me away from having friends, and I always had to be free for him if he all of a sudden decided he had time for me in his life… Once I finally got rid of Fred, I was finally able to make closer friends with the individuals in my cohort… but now that it is summer they are all off doing their fieldwork or visiting family/friends… so they’ve basically left me a lone in Chicago… and then I made fantastic friends with the Ex… but of course talking is at a bare minimum with him right now.

I was hoping now that I had more time I would be able to get more fully involved with bible study… but guess what? yes they seem to have decided to go on a summer break… 😦

But the moment I think “Whoa is me I lack friends…” I have a friend from the past remind me how awesome they are and what a great relationship we have. For example over the past two weeks I have had friends from WAY out of town come visit. One of those friends was the friend I call Courtney (who I’ve mentioned in a past post) who was my undergraduate roommate and the other was a fantastic friend (who we will call Rose)  that I met during the worst summer of my life (yea… the OCD going severe summer 2011).

I can’t express to you how much I needed to see my Courtney. She has been going through such a tough time and it has been weighing heavily on my heart. She is just as how I remembered her. There is no one in this world who could ever come close to the amazingness that is Courtney. She is such a strong woman and still yet her vivacious, bubbly, optimistic self. She stayed with me for several days and it was so easy to fall back into our usual talking routine… which is basically talking nonstop lol.

And then Rose came to visit, for a very brief day… but I was so happy to see her. I wouldn’t have survived that summer in Mexico if it wasn’t for her. She is the one who listened to all my freaking-outs and gave me all the reassurance that I needed (although I KNOW I annoyed the crap out of her… I can never mention batteries or cement to her again… two things I was deathly afraid of hahahahahha). Since she was a part of my academic life… it did make me rethink my life choice that I made… but yet it also oddly reaffirmed my decision… Rose is a very down to earth, tells it like it is, normal person, so it was great to know that I could still hang out with her and have fun beyond all my obsessive worries that took over summer 2011.

But still… here I am… geographically alone… with no one to hang out with.

Yesterday after writing my last post though I made a decision. I was going to once again put God at the center of my life, for He is the one I should be relying on to help me through this geographically friendless time. I also realized that my relationship with him seems to have slipped from where it was at. At the climax of the whole Fred thing, I was closer to God than I have ever been. He answered my prayers by sending the Ex and Marissa into my life. I got comfortable though… because I wasn’t having a major crisis in my life anymore… I stopped focusing on that relationship… things didn’t exactly fall apart because of that… but they didn’t go as amazingly as I know they could have gone (except the whole getting a job so quickly) if I had continued to focus on God.

So I made this decision yesterday… and guess what… a prayer has already been answered… guess whose small bible group decided to no longer take a summer break? I know! I’m super excited and its obviously an answered prayer.

But with all this free time… I need to focus on not becoming comfortable and continue striving in my relationship with God. Because if I have learned anything about relationships from the past year its that one person (in this case God) can’t pursue the other individual… they have to pursue each other… my role isn’t idle but very much active.

So I am hopping once I get my relationship with God back on track He will provide me with other avenues to make more relationships (of the friend variety for now… I need a break from guys lol).

Well at least I have a game plan for this Free Time… and I can only see good things coming from it if I keep at it! 🙂

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Not my Prince Charming

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”- Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy

When it comes to the belief of a “Prince Charming” I’ve always had an internal battle. Part of me… a part of me that only changed over this past year but still unfortunately creeps up back into my life every now and then… was convinced that I was never deserving of love… it had a lot to do with my OCD… how could anyone want to be with someone like me (because I was convinced I was a horrible person for much of my life)? But of course even at the worse of this… I always had secret hope that my Prince Charming would come in sweep me off my feet and change my life forever… showing me that I could be loved and deserved to be so. I always had the tinniest hope he would save me from the world… and myself.

But what if you meet Prince Charming and you aren’t his Princess?

There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve met Prince Charming… but unfortunately I wasn’t his princess. You don’t know how much I wish that I was… yea I’m still a little sad about it… but more than anything in the world I am so thankful that I got to meet Prince Charming. I rather have crossed paths with Prince Charming than never have met him at all…

…So it has been two months (and we dated for only 1.5 months!) since the Ex broke up with me… and I’ve been having the most difficult time understanding why I’ve been having such a hard time getting over him.

I know its partly because I miss him as a friend more than anything… and while he agreed to be friends… I don’t think we are ready to be at that point yet…

But anyway.. I kept wondering.. why can’t I stop thinking about him? and wishing he was in my life (even just as a friend)? Seriously… it makes no sense… we didn’t date that long at all… we didn’t have that many heart to hearts… yea I did want to give him my heart but he in the end didn’t want it and I’m not going to force it upon anyone. So it just doesn’t make sense…

But I was thinking more about it… especially because Fred has been weighing more on my mind lately… and I realized its because the Ex basically saved me from Fred… he rode up on a white horse and saved me. How many people can say that they have had someone change their life like that? I honestly have no idea where I would be if he hadn’t come into my life. Fred was destroying me… I couldn’t handle being treated the way I was being treated by Fred… and the Ex came in showing me that I deserved to be treated correctly and I deserved to be treated as if I was a precious thing. If I had never met the Ex… I have no idea where I would be…. actually yes I do… I would have said yes to Fred’s marriage proposal… I would be stuck in a horribly abusive relationship, wed to a man who really didn’t love me but was too afraid to loose me, probably pregnant, and regretting every moment of that life, but too afraid to leave him because I thought he would commit suicide without me.

The Ex broke up with me because he sensed my feelings were stronger for him than his were for me and he didn’t see things moving on beyond where we were at and he didn’t want to string me along. It was really great of him to realize I wasn’t “the one” now rather than later when feelings were even stronger on my part. I can’t even be upset with him for his reasoning (although I don’t completely agree with him about feelings having to develop evenly in terms of timing). But the truth is… even if everything went perfectly between the Ex and I… my feelings would always be stronger for him than his were for me…because he saved me and I can never express the gratefulness and love (not romantic love but love in general) I have for him for that.

And even though the Ex and I are no longer together or really speaking… he is still saving me from Fred everyday… The moment that I think about contacting Fred just to see if he is ok… I think about the fact of how that would completely erase all the amazingness that the Ex brought into my life. And I could never destroy the memory of our relationship like that.

I miss the Ex so much… and sometimes I wish I hadn’t met him just because of the hurt I feel, but that is a horrible idea… I have never been so grateful for someone being in my life than I am that the Ex was in my life. He was truly heaven sent… the timing of meeting him… there was absolutely no way that God didn’t have a hand in it… God gave me exactly what I needed… God answered my prayers by introducing me to Prince Charming. The Ex saved me in all the ways a person can be saved and I will never forget him. I can never repay him for what he has done in my life.

Prince Charming is such a wonderful man. His Princess is going to be the most blessed woman in the world. I know that she is going to have to be something pretty wonderful to even measure up a little bit to what he is.

So I’ve met Prince Charming. I’ve been graced by his presence. But just because I’ve met Prince Charming and I wasn’t his Princess… doesn’t mean their isn’t a love story out there for me.

There is no other Prince Charming that I can wait for… but I will wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, because he will fight for me and won’t let me go once he finds me.

Want to know a secret? Promise not to tell? We are standing by a wishing well Make a wish into the well, that’s all you have to do and if you hear it echoing. Your wish will soon come true. -Snow White

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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