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New Therapist!

So at first I was upset.

Structural Violence in our society is not a pretty thing. It causes many people to not be able to access things that they really need.

At the OCD conference I met with someone from a counseling group that SPECIALIZES in OCD and were completely up to date with all the latest in the OCD world. AND they were in the same city as me! I hit off with one of the therapists right off and was really happy about scheduling an appointment with them. I was so excited that there were people who completely and understood everything that I went through and were willing to help me using CBT, ERP, and ACT. They would even go on field trips with me, such as driving with me to help me learn through ERP that driving was ok and other such things.

But then… I called my insurance company. Would they help me pay for this counseling? Of course… but only after I met our $3,000 out of network deductible and then I still had to pay for half of the $300 weekly sessions…

Yea… I’m a grad student… and even with my parents help… I don’t have that kind of money.

I was devastated… I was so excited about being helped by these people.

BUT, God does provide! There is actually a pretty famous Christian counseling service in my city. I met with her at an initial appointment… and I wasn’t quiet sure how I felt about her. She was nice… but she was no specialist in OCD… but of course she told me that she felt confident that she could help me for she had several other patients who she has helped with OCD and other anxiety disorders.

I was thinking about finding another therapist and meeting with them… but I went ahead and went to my second session with her… and well it was AMAZING.

She is having us work through the book Brain Lock together… and at my request in my first session with her she has already started looking into ACT and told me from her research she has done since our first session that she thinks ACT is awesome and she would love to do it with me! So we are going to use another workbook for that. (which also means that I”m the reason that she  is looking into this therapy and may use it on someone else who had no idea about it! And might be able to reach them through ACT when other methods weren’t working! So in a way I’m helping others by being the guinea pig!)

She just seemed so understanding about everything… I was able to reveal all my worries, obsessions, compulsions, and everything else and she completely understood. Also, my OCD when I was little started with religious scrupulosity… and I have always had an underlying religious scrupulosity there… and having  therapist who believes the same things I do… is fantastic! She is really helping me with the things I struggle with, such as “How could God let this happen to me?” “Can a person who has the thoughts that I have still go to Heaven?”

While I’ve ignored my religious scrupulosity for some time now… I really think it is one of my greatest underlying issues of my OCD… I really think that this therapist will really truly be able to help me with this!

So while I am extremely mad about the structural violence in our society and not allowing me to get the help that I really truly need… God provided me another way :). yay!

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Posted by on August 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Blah..

Not fun day…

(1) Contamination OCD and the need to take Urine Sample at Dr.’s office do not mix

(2) So MANY undergrad papers/tests to grade!

(3) Master’s paper… I have NO motivation… and it is due in less than a week

On a different note, I realized something today. I’m really good at hiding my emotions.

It is like there is a line

Extremely Upset ——————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

Last semester… with my OCD raging as much as it was I was probably Here (*) on the Line meter

Extremely Upset -*—————————–OK——————————— Extremely Happy

When I am that close to Extremely Upset….everyone and their mother can see my emotions. There is absolutely NO way to hide it. The random stranger passing will know that I am not in a good mental/emotional state.

BUT once I am about Here (/), I make it look like everything is OK. Just Ok. Not good. Not happy. Not horrible. Just Ok. But in reality I’m nowhere near the  actual OK on the line

Extremely Upset —–/————————-OK——————————— Extremely Happy

So I think my current state is

Extremely Upset —–/-*————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

I think I have been in the above position for quite sometime. And my therapist just didn’t really realize I was upset b/c I was looking like everything was OK. I wasn’t in my raging “Omg I am so upset state,” therefore, I made it seem like I was ok. I’m good at making life seem like its Vanilla even when it is not.

With my best friend here though last week, she helped me realize that the mental/emotional position I’m in right now is NOT OK. See… I even have a hard time about NOT hiding it from myself.

At the / I can make myself think I’m OK even when I am not.

Honestly… I don’t think I’ve been on the other side of OK in about 3 years. B/c that is when my OCD started but I just didn’t have a name for it, especially then, because it was just Pure Obsession without Compulsions.

There are times when I am happy yes. But it is just a flicker of a moment, not a perpetual state of being.

My therapist was a bit taken aback that I hadn’t talked to him about this before, but was glad I told him. I thought a couple of times about bringing it up, but I never did. I have always had this childish belief that if I ignore something it will go away. But that is the thing… it just hibernates… waiting its time to gain strength. Three years ago my obsessions were bad… BUT after about a year I was able to ignore the situation, which I thought meant I was getting better. So then last summer, finding weakness in my getting sick it tore down my barrier of pretense with a full raging power that I could not handle.

I realize now though after talking to my friend that this will just become cyclical. It will just keep happening. Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring, Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring… etc.

I must deal with the underlying issues in order to truly heal.

Urg… why does life have to be so hard…

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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