I know why I am so down right now.
I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.
But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.
I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.
Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.
I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?
I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.
That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).
But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?
No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.
I don’t feel needed in academia.
I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.
It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.
But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.
Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.
… I just want to be needed.
… I just want to be happy.