Monthly Archives: April 2013

Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…


Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized


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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.


Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Peanut Butter and Moving on…

So one of my biggest OCD issues I have, which I have yet to be able to deal with, is Peanut Butter.

Peanut Butter terrifies the living daylights out of me. No I’m not allergic… but other people are!

What if I am eating a Peanut Butter Sandwich or Reese’s Cup and get some on my hand… then not paying attention I get it on the desk at which I am sitting in the library studying and eating said Peanut Butter thing. What if next person to sit at said desk is allergic to Peanut Butter??? and they touch the Peanut Butter I accidentally left behind and they start to have an allergic reaction and possibly die???

Yea I know not very probable… but there was that girl in Canada who died from Kissing her boyfriend who had eaten a Peanut Butter Candy Bar!

Yes most of the time people with peanut allergies have EpiPens for occasions like this… but it didn’t seem to work on that one girl…

I just don’t want to be the accidental cause of someone getting sick and having a horrible allergic reaction because of me!

So what do I do? I avoid Peanut Butter like the plague.

This isn’t exactly the best thing to do in life, because for those of us who aren’t allergic to Peanut Butter it is actually really good for you. My doctors keep recommending that I eat it because it is a good source of energy (which I lack), but I just give them a look and they remember my fear.

But I know I need to work on this. Even though I didn’t want to.

I accidentally started working on it in February without planning to do so. My now ex-boyfriend and I met for the first time to see a movie, and what yummy treat did he sneak into the theater for us to share? None other than Reese’s Pieces… It was so sweet that he brought them for us to share and we had just met so I couldn’t explain to him that I was terrified of Peanut Butter. So I swallowed my fear and ate them with him… and you know what? I felt safe and I felt that everyone around me was safe from the peanut butter too… my ex was awesome like that… without even realizing it or doing anything he made me feel safe…

And after dating for a while I just picked up that he was a bit obsessed with peanut butter and anytime we shared a candy it usually had peanut butter in it. I even once bought us Peanut Butter M&Ms for us to split and when we couldn’t finish them all I took them home and ate them by myself!

I know for a normal person that doesn’t seem like a great accomplishment, but believe me it was. Yea I hadn’t started to eat real peanut butter that wasn’t in something contained… but this was a step in the right direction… This Wednesday it will have been a month since I had last seen him and three weeks since he broke up with me… I hadn’t touched peanut butter since…

I don’t have that amazing guy to make me feel safe anymore…

But you know what? I should feel safe by myself… and even if I can’t muster that courage to feel safe by myself yet… I should feel safe because God is with me… and will keep me from accidentally getting Peanut Butter somewhere that a person with an allergy might touch.

So what did I do today? I went and bought my favorite cereal in the whole world: Peanut Butter Captain Crunch… yea its still not real Peanut Butter but its a step up from just eating it in candy… and yes… I ate it. I was really hesitant at first and kinda scared when I first started to eat it… but I didn’t feel any anxiety about it after only a few minutes.

A great accomplishment I think.

I’m heart broken that he left me. I’m anxious about Peanut Butter. But I’m not letting either stop me… I’m moving on with my life and with Peanut Butter on my own.

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Posted by on April 21, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Boston Tragedy

I have so many friends in Boston right now. It was in that area that I received my MA. The majority of my friends and even former professors have checked in saying that they are ok. But my heart hurts so much for them.

I pray so ardently for anyone and everyone affected by this. I don’t even have any words to say about this tragic event. I love you Boston family ❤ Please stay safe!! And please everyone in the Boston area please stay safe. Our hearts go out to all of you


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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized


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I miss you…

I miss you so much… but I’m so incredibly glad you were in my life for the short time that you were. The happiness you brought me allows me to be thankful and smile through my wounded heart.

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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Making what is broken beautiful

kintsukuroi- (n.) (v. phr.)- “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

I am kintsukuroi.

I am stronger than I ever was before. I am more vulnerable than I ever was before. I understand the pain that others can cause you. And I understand the complete and utter joy you can find with others.

These past two years have been really rough for me. Between the OCD and the guy drama some days I don’t know how I get up in the morning. But I always have and I will continue to always will.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am completely different. I can still see glimpses of that girl, but I’ve become something more beautiful, stronger, and more me.

It hurts to see others as broken as I was and for them not to see the potential of beauty that they have. I wish I could repair them with gold myself, but I can’t. Only they can do that.

What was broken is the most beautiful.

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Posted by on April 12, 2013 in Uncategorized


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The Bend and Snap…

So yea…. the Legally Blonde approved “Bend and Snap”

Totally doesn’t look good on crutches… but TOTALLY works… 😛

Had many hot guys open the doors for me and reach things for me I couldn’t get to today lol 😉

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Posted by on April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized


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