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Monthly Archives: October 2013

Fred.

Fred,

A year ago tomorrow (the 17th), i gave you all of me. I gave you my heart, soul, and body. I had already fallen in love with you… But it sealed everything. You took my virginity. You took a piece of me that I can never get back… I hope you understand the magnitude of what I gave you and why I gave it to you. Because of it you will always be in my heart whether I want you there or not. I hope you appreciate that and understand why it has been so hard for me to let you go.

I won’t ever forget you Fred. But I think I can finally let you go. Ive had a hard time letting you go. I don’t understand why but I’ve always felt so connected with you no matter what we had been through. I think it’s because you were a lot of firsts for me (besides making love) and then I couldn’t forgive myself for giving all of me to you. I’ve begun to forgive myself though just as I had already forgiven you. And I’ve realized by forgiving myself I can have those firsts back because with God’s forgiveness He washes me as clean as snow.

Please don’t attempt to respond back. I’m just writing this as one of the final pieces that I need to give you so that i can fully let you go. And also So that you know I’m ok and I’ve forgiven you.

I hope you are happy Fred. I hope you treat your current girlfriend better than you ever treated me. I hope you appreciate her in your life and that you come to love her or another woman. And let whoever that woman is love you in return.

****************

Fred,

I hate you for what you did to me.

**************

Fred,

I hate her, because you can love her and not me.

*************

Fred,

You’ve been with her for a month as of yesterday?? A MONTH! I gave you everything and I never got a month from you. 

*************

Fred,

I hate me the most, for allowing you to be in my life. 

*************

Fred,

I don’t want you to get away so easily for what you’ve done to me… but even if I yelled at you it would just bring me more pain… and you aren’t worth it. 

*************

Fred,

I hope that after our upcoming anniversary that I will be able to let you go. I still haven’t been able to.. and it appears you haven’t yet either (since you were stalking me on Linked In!) even if you now have her.

*************

Fred,

I have been debating whether to contact you on our anniversary or not which is tomorrow… Will I feel happy, sad, ok that I contacted you? But now that I think about it… I feel like it will just be like one of my compulsions… relief in the minutes I did it but hurt and confusion after…

************

Fred,

After everything… I still want you… or the you I thought/wished you were… but I deserve better than you… in fact being alone is probably better than being with you…

************

Fred,

Tomorrow marks a new year… a year without you… without the pain you caused me… a year to actually find me…

*************

Fred,

It is unfair that while I’m trying to let you go you are able to penetrate into my dreams… do I ever show up in yours?

************

Fred,

It wasn’t all my fault was it? I just wanted the perfect romance… or at least what was taught as romance in the Bible… you refused to give me what I needed, but was it all my fault?

*************

Fred,

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

*************

Fred,

A year tomorrow (the 17th), I gave you all of me. Although we didn’t work out, I hope you cherish the fact that I gave you my heart and body. I hope you are happy Fred and that you love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

*************

Fred,

*************

Fred,

*************

I must stop loving him…

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Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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MY Life

So compared to most… I have a great family…

I’ve always had a roof over my head. Parents who loved me and clothed me and made sure I always had plenty of food…

But well… my family has issues in the emotionally abusive way…

In the way that many people have “daddy issues,” I have intense “mommy issues.” My dad had a career that kept him away from home for a lot of my childhood… so it was my mother who “wore the pants” in the family.

My mother came from a legit physically abusive home… the kind of home she would have been taken out of quickly if social services were the same then as they were today.

So she has reason to be the way she is… I try to understand it… but the truth is… my mother needs helps… the two therapist I’ve been two and the two psychiatrist who I’ve spoken too about my mother have all classified her as “borderline personality disorder.” Of course I could never tell her this or she would make life horrible for me… but I have tried to get her to go to therapy but to no avail…

As we all know I’m going through yet another crisis in my life… I don’t know what to do with my life…

I knew academia wasn’t for me… but what do I turn to without it? Its like i was standing on a cliff where I could see “the promise land” and the only way to get to that land was to jump off the cliff and then continue to the journey no matter how far it was.

I jumped off that cliff. I quit academia… but now because I no longer have the vantage point I can’t see the promise land… and I have no idea how long it will take me to get there… plus this path seems to be very muddy with many obstacles in my path… I can’t see the promise land nor can I figure out where I am anymore…

So to get back to my mommy issues…

I tried to talk to my mother about this… normally I don’t talk to my mother ever about what goes on in my life… but I was having a particularly depressing evening and I needed someone to talk to… and not taking my better judgement into consideration I called her…

WORST decision ever…

Somehow she has turned in my life crisis into being about her…

The fact that I’m unsure about things “Hurts her feelings.”

I’m not blaming her in any way! I am totally blaming this completely on me… but because I’m so upset with MY life… she is makes it out that I am purposefully hurting her…

She won’t STOP calling me trying to fix me and my problems… trying to make things “right”…

I’m just trying to figure out my OWN life and fix it… I don’t need to be worried about her being hurt by my worrying!! Does that even make sense?!

Yes I understand that she is sad to see her child struggling… but DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!!!!

I have soooo much stuff that has gone on in my life that she doesn’t know about… she has no idea about Fred and other issues such as my major OCD struggles… I’ve protected her from those things… but why must I protect her?? When its MY LIFE?? Shouldn’t I just be trying to protect myself??

I just don’t understand… let me figure things out… let me figure out MY life… don’t make this about you, because then I’m going to do what I’ve always done in my life… please you even if it hurts me…

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Poetry

It is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town–

that i have perhaps forgotten how, always (from,
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh) Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

–after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories

By: E.E. Cummings

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear World,

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I don’t have academia what am I supposed to do with the next 60 years of my existence??????

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

To never have loved..

In Memoriam A.H.H. Section 27 (1850) by Lord Tennyson

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet* born within the cage, *small bird
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I posted this poem almost a year ago. The reason I am posting it again is for the same reason as it was a year ago. I’m still heartbroken. Still trying to understand everything that I’ve been through. A year ago, I thought that I had experienced true and horrific pain of the heart.. but it was just the beginning of a very long, tiring, hurtful, painful and discouraging road.

It is a time that has drastically changed me. I am not who I was a year ago. Even Riley who only sees me once a year has already commented on how I am not the person I use to be. I love who I am now (well on my good days lol)… I turned adversity into beauty… but was it worth it? Was it better to have experienced that love and lost it than to never have experienced it at all?

What would be better? To be this person I am now or someone who never knew him?

If there is anything I learned from this experience, it is two things: (1) Love (not even sex but the idea of love and believing you are experiencing it) is a drug; and (2) Ignorance is Bliss.

I wouldn’t be who I was today if this hadn’t happened to me… I wanted to so badly experience love… but emotionally I believe I would have been better off if I had never experienced it… but then again perhaps not, because it did help me overcome my OCD (I think… still not sure about that)… but if I could have been ignorant in the way of never having to experience this pain… I would have taken it…

Love is a drug. Now that I’ve tasted it (even in a really bad form), it is all I want… but…

If a drug addict who had ruined his life due to the drug had the opportunity to turn back time would they say that they rather have done it and kept their whole experience as an addict and then their eventual painful withdrawal? Or would they say they wish they had never done it in the first place.

My bet is the latter.

So if love was a drug that I could have been blissfully ignorant of… I would take the chance to be ignorant of it… it is not better to have loved and lost because then you are on constant withdrawal and you make things appear better in your head than they actually were… I rather have never loved at all, so that I could feel whole. I couldn’t even fathom a year ago that it was possible to feel this broken…

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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