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Tag Archives: quarter life crisis

MY Life

So compared to most… I have a great family…

I’ve always had a roof over my head. Parents who loved me and clothed me and made sure I always had plenty of food…

But well… my family has issues in the emotionally abusive way…

In the way that many people have “daddy issues,” I have intense “mommy issues.” My dad had a career that kept him away from home for a lot of my childhood… so it was my mother who “wore the pants” in the family.

My mother came from a legit physically abusive home… the kind of home she would have been taken out of quickly if social services were the same then as they were today.

So she has reason to be the way she is… I try to understand it… but the truth is… my mother needs helps… the two therapist I’ve been two and the two psychiatrist who I’ve spoken too about my mother have all classified her as “borderline personality disorder.” Of course I could never tell her this or she would make life horrible for me… but I have tried to get her to go to therapy but to no avail…

As we all know I’m going through yet another crisis in my life… I don’t know what to do with my life…

I knew academia wasn’t for me… but what do I turn to without it? Its like i was standing on a cliff where I could see “the promise land” and the only way to get to that land was to jump off the cliff and then continue to the journey no matter how far it was.

I jumped off that cliff. I quit academia… but now because I no longer have the vantage point I can’t see the promise land… and I have no idea how long it will take me to get there… plus this path seems to be very muddy with many obstacles in my path… I can’t see the promise land nor can I figure out where I am anymore…

So to get back to my mommy issues…

I tried to talk to my mother about this… normally I don’t talk to my mother ever about what goes on in my life… but I was having a particularly depressing evening and I needed someone to talk to… and not taking my better judgement into consideration I called her…

WORST decision ever…

Somehow she has turned in my life crisis into being about her…

The fact that I’m unsure about things “Hurts her feelings.”

I’m not blaming her in any way! I am totally blaming this completely on me… but because I’m so upset with MY life… she is makes it out that I am purposefully hurting her…

She won’t STOP calling me trying to fix me and my problems… trying to make things “right”…

I’m just trying to figure out my OWN life and fix it… I don’t need to be worried about her being hurt by my worrying!! Does that even make sense?!

Yes I understand that she is sad to see her child struggling… but DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!!!!

I have soooo much stuff that has gone on in my life that she doesn’t know about… she has no idea about Fred and other issues such as my major OCD struggles… I’ve protected her from those things… but why must I protect her?? When its MY LIFE?? Shouldn’t I just be trying to protect myself??

I just don’t understand… let me figure things out… let me figure out MY life… don’t make this about you, because then I’m going to do what I’ve always done in my life… please you even if it hurts me…

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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Ice Cream and Undying Passion

Ask any of my friends or family members… I am obsessed with ice-cream… definitely to an unhealthy degree. lol.

The best: chocolate chip cookie- dough… but of course when life is going really badly and I need to feel better… Ben and Jerry’s Half-baked is always there for me and my sadness…and well if you have looked at my blog recently you probably can come to the conclusion that Ben and Jerry’s Half-baked and I have been BFFs. lol

Seriously… I think all occasions should call for ice-cream… whether really happy occasions or really sad…

But sometimes… ice cream and I have to go on ‘breaks’… Ice cream always knows that I love it… but sometimes all the saddness and the Ben and Jerry’s starts adding on the pounds… and well this passion of mine becomes unhealthy… right now ice cream and I are on a bit on a hiatus because of the cold… while ice cream may help my heart and fill my stomach it can take the bone chilling cold from outside and make it become an internal feeling… and we all know I hate the cold… sometimes I just get tired of ice-cream… although I LOVE it… sometimes you can have TOO MUCH of a good thing… I always return back to it though… I can never go that long from it…

So what this all boils down to though is that I am passionate about ice-cream. 🙂

Even though this passion is often unhealthy and it can often burn me out… I always find myself returning to it…

LOL… so why this long ode to ice cream? Well I believe that in order to be happy in life… one needs to be passionate about what they do… and as we all know… I’m questioning my current life path… am I passionate about it?

Academia (for me) is very unhealthy… in fact the field work for academia is what caused my OCD to become severe.. it also makes me a constant perfectionist that I don’t know how to not be that makes me constantly freaked out about work and have absolutely nothing of a social life… academia makes me feel lonely… because I don’t have many friends b/c I’m constantly trying to be a perfectionist about it… and also I don’t get enough sleep because I’m always trying to stay up to do work that I haven’t done because I just don’t have the passion or want to do it.

But maybe it is just because I am burnt out? After all I am passionate about ice cream… but I can have too much and I need to take a break… well… I’ve taken breaks… winter break… summer break… many weekends… and am I really ever craving for the semester to start again or to get to my work? Not really… I may be craving to not be bored any more… but that is kind of just like craving for food in general compared to ice-cream… I never crave to jump into research full steam ahead! or into the reading I need to do… in fact I always dread it…

but I am passionate about certain ASPECTS of my field… I love how the research that I do helps others… and that I am educating students so that they broaden their minds and see how beautiful the world really is.

so should I risk being unhappy in all other aspects of my academia just for this one portion??

You know what else I absolutely love? The Potato… I love potatoes… they are seriously the best food in the entire world… I am completely and utterly passionate about eating potatoes…

EXCEPT… I refuse to eat potato salad… I HATE potato salad… yes I love the potato… but I don’t like the mixture of it with mayonnaise, onion, pepper, egg, and celery… individually all of those are pretty good… but somehow mixed together and with potatoes… it really makes me want to vomit… therefore I am only passionate about one part of it… but all together I hate it and therefore I don’t eat it.

Can I apply this to academia? If I only like one aspect of it (and it isn’t even the main component of it like the potato is in potato salad) is it worth wanting to feel like I want to vomit all the time?

I think the answer should be no… at least that seems most logical to me…

Can’t I find other things in which that one aspect is a part of that I love more? I love various potato casseroles, MASHED POTATOES ARE AMAZING, baked potatoes are amazing, chips, and fries, soup with potato, potato pancakes, really potato in anything (EXCEPT wrapped in dough.. but that might just be because I culturally grew up eating perogies and have a mental block against them lol).

So therefore can’t I look for a different career path in which I can help people and empower them that doesn’t have to be in this field of academia?

But I’m good at making potato salad… but I still hate eating it… I’m good at academia… and I still hate being a part of it… making potato salad though for others and them enjoying it is really nice… but in this one case.. I think it is ok to be selfish… this is MY LIFE after all… if I can only cook one thing in the world for others to enjoy and for me to eat… why make potato salad just for others if I don’t want to eat it? How about finding something better that uses potatoes… and you know what?… I may not be good at making it for others at first… and they may dislike it… but I will eventually learn and get better at it… and enjoy the food I am finally making…

but can I really correlate food to career paths? But shouldn’t passion be passion? It should be all the same?

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Slow reader…

Ok… so I am being a terribly slow reader at reading Captivating… I just keep getting distracted… I seriously think I have ADD… seriously thought process in my brain:

“This book Captivating is so great. I can’t wait to learn from it all and finish it!”
“I also can’t wait to finish that pizza in the fridge”
“Speaking of pizza, I can’t forget to check on my meals on chefville”
“Oh, they have a new game now called Coasterville I wonder whats that about”
“Hmmm, I wonder how Marlene’s job at disney is going these days”
“I miss that girl… oh that day I set our apartment on fire”
“Speaking of fire… what is that smell”
“Ack! The pizza is burning!!! Fire!!!”

Of course it is much funnier in my head… but oh well… what can one do about that…

But anyway… back to Captivating… I came across another part that really spoke to me… especially about my current life difficulties with figuring out what I should be doing with my life path….

Quick word of warning this is a long quote… but I think I need to include all of it so y’all can get more of the meaning…

“Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems, unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul- and ours- that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. IN love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

‘Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;she will look for them but not find them.’ (Hos. 2:6-7)

Jesus has to thwart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling, our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh we might turn to him for our ‘salvation,’ for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. He’ll make what once was a great job miserable, if it was her career that she found shelter. He’ll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our ‘way of life’ which is not life at all.

[the authors then proceed to tell a story of a woman named susan who had a horrible abusive child hood and when life became hard she went into a defensive posture… she needed to learn how to be vulnerable once again… the woman then writes:] ‘Every day I must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be my God, my Strength, and my Defender. He told me that I didn’t need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, he is my Defender and Advocate Would I let him be that for me? I said yes. There was a huge weight lifted off that I can’t fully explain'” (Eldredge and Eldredge 2005 89-90).

I have used my current career path as a way to find life ‘on my own terms.’ From late high school into the beginning of college… I had my heart set on being a missionary… actually I’ve wanted to a missionary since kindergarten… or at least pictures of a board in my kindergarten class room that had our names next to what we wanted to be when we grow up tells me so.

But I was also focused on making my family happy.. sadly not God… but my family… so I went the path they thought I would enjoy the most… the path that they basically told me to do… it was also the only way I could prove to my family that I was smart.. they only believed you were smart if you were in a math or science… so I had to get straight As to prove that a social science could be included in that… my main concern was and still is “I don’t want to fail my family or my life”… and I never think about “I don’t want to fail God”… but that is what I should be thinking… when I die, all i want to hear is God tell me “Well done, dear one”… but how can I if I don’t know if I am on the path I should be on?

I usually characterize the end of my second year of college (which I did in three years) as the time when my OCD really started acting up in my non child hood life… but in reality it was the summer between my first and second year… that was when the Pure obsessions began and I began obsessing over obsessing…

I don’t remember much except for the fact that I was taking two summer courses, I had to drive to get to my summer courses over a bridge (major OCD trigger), and I was having a quarter life crisis of what to do with my life.

I had started to realize that the field of social science that I was in was not for me… but I didn’t know what else to do with my life… all I knew was that I loved community service so the logical thing for me to look into would be Social work… I spent the summer refining my application to the social work school at my college and sent it in… I got in… but the week that classes began I started obsessing that I was destroying my life by not going full force into the social science that I had chosen… my advisor in the social work school was really getting annoyed with me b/c in the week of add/drop I probably added and dropped my courses three times before I finally just told her that I couldn’t do it.

What scared me was that I was ruining my life… then as my OCD slowly progressed… academia is what I began to hide within so that people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me… I could hide my perfectionism within it because who didn’t want to get all As to get into the best grad programs? It steadily got worse as I began to give things up that I loved (such as being Director of Community Service for a program I was part of and spending time with friends) in order to feed into the perfectionism because I was terrified of failing… the only way I could defend myself from failing was to put ALL my time and effort into academia… I felt alone… I had to defend myself… I had to protect myself… and then as my OCD got even worse (hard to imagine lol) academia became my prison… the place I remained so that I could somehow have a small impact on the world but remain apart from everyone else… it was my way of defending everyone else from me (because I believed I was such a horrible person)…. it was my way of controlling the world and me.

But what this passage brought to light to me was… first of all… I am not my defender! My only defender is God… no matter where I try to find my salvation… whether it be in academia… or in a relationship that I thought would save me from myself… I cannot obtain it unless I go through God. I also cannot control anything (something I have a very hard time accepting lol).

I need to turn to God to save me… save me from this fear of failure… this fear of my obsessional thoughts… this fear of ruining my life and others… My life is really miserable a lot of the time… I keep turning to God and for a brief moment I am with Him and everything is ok… but the moment I get my fill I leave thinking I can live on my own without him… but I can’t… I need Him all the time… every moment…

I need to follow in God’s path.

But then I keep thinking… maybe I’m just getting cold feet about academia… maybe this is actually a trial… and I am supposed to remain in academia and it is just Satan trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be here… but I keep looking at all the evidence…

(1) The number one reason most people are in the field that I am in is because of the fieldwork… everyone loves it… I hate it… I absolutely hate it… there are some aspects about it I LOVE… but those aspects are the secondary aspects that surround the main field work…. the main reason for doing the work and the actually doing of the work we are supposed to be doing… I hate… it is PURE misery to me… and I have done field work MANY MANY times with the same results every time…

(2) I hate the in school portion… I constantly hate having to prove my worthiness to my professors just for a paper with an A on it..

(3) I hate academic conferences… I know most people love the drinking part the most (I don’t drink so… yea).. but people are usually pretty interested in the things being presented… i hate it… I hate sitting there having to listen to someone talk for 15 minutes… my thoughts are constantly “can this be over already?”

(4) I hate obsessing over doing work and never allowing myself to do anything else because I haven’t finished my work

…..

You would think that all of those are pretty big red flags… but I do love to teach the material, I do sometimes like research (it really depends on the topic… and then I only like doing the research portion… I hate the writing it up portion), I like that I get As…

but really… if that is all… why pour the one life I get into this??

My friend Jodie recently told me that after a long discussion with her mother that she is quitting her job. She dislikes it. She isn’t sure what she wants to do right now… she had her heart set on med school but didn’t get in the first round… but she knows that her job is making her into a person she really doesn’t like… so even though she makes great money… she is going to quit… and she is 5 years older than I am… part of me is afraid to quit because I fear it will put me behind… but if she can quit and be ok with it at 27… then I should be able to quit at 23 and be ok with it…

I wish I was as brave as Jodie… I hate what academia does to me… This is my 6th year in academia (3 years undergrad, 2 years MA, 1st year PhD)… out of all those years… my favorite is my first year of college (b/c well it was my first year away from home!) and then the first year of my MA program…

Thats what keeps getting me in trying to determine whether I should quit or not… I had a great first year in my MA program… yea I was a basket case the majority of the time… but I had an amazing group of friends… but just because I made the wrong decision in going into academia doesn’t mean that God abandoned me and wouldn’t provide me with a great group of friends… I keep trying to think of the material we learned… did I like it? honestly? yea I kind of did… I was still passionate then about what I do… but I was also new to my area of specialization and was getting to know the information…

urg… that one year is what is throwing me off…

I just don’t know…

I just wish I knew how to hear God’s voice better… people keep saying He will lead you in the path He wants you to go… but honestly… I have NO idea what that path is… I’m good at what I do… look at my transcripts and it will show you… I got a 4.0 in undergrad… 3.9 in my MA (two freaking A minuses!– and lets not forget I got diagnosed with severe OCD during my second year of my MA), and I got all As last semester… but am I good at it because I am controlling that aspect and forcing myself? If I was to let God control would I still be here? Or would I be elsewhere?

Urg.. I don’t know… I thought when writing this post I had a clarifying moment of “Academia sucks! I need a new life path!” but now… i’m just as confused as always…

Sigh… well at least that is one thing I don’t fail at… confusion… I bet I am the best out there at being confused… 😉

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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‘Your Soul is like your Shadow’

So I am currently reading a book for the class I TA for that is titled The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collisions of two Cultures by Anne Fadiman.

This book sent me into several anxiety attacks while reading it. I kept having to stop reading and do something else. I almost took extra anxiety meds to help me calm down, because I was getting close to a panic attack.

This book is extremely frank and detailed to the point that it feels like you are right there with them. With this Hmong family who are refugees trying to understand how to balance their beliefs and culture with Western medicines so that they can help their baby who has a very bad form of epilepsy.

The author accurately depicts every emotion that was occurring throughout this child’s life between the parents and the doctors and the child. She even describes in great detail the condition of the child during some of her fits and the extreme amount of medication that this poor child was on. I was stressing out for the child because the cultural barrier was to great for either side to breach it in order to save the child.

But anyway… it is not a light read in terms of the emotional toll. So only read it if you are prepared.

I came across a really moving passage though that I wish to share:

“The Lees [parents of the child] politely submitted to my questions about Lia [the epileptic child], often answering at length, but they also had their own agenda, which, as Nao Kao [the father] once put it, was ‘to tell you about Hmong culture so you can understand our ways and explain it to the doctors.’ Their favorite time for these cultural lessons was about 10:30pm, after they’d gathered conversational steam for at least four hours. One night, just as May Ying [the author’s translator] and I were getting ready to leave, Foua [the mother] decided to explain soul loss to me. ‘Your soul is like your shadow,’ she said. Sometimes it just wanders off like a butterfly and that is when you are sad and that’s when you get sick, and if it comes back to you, that is when you are happy and you are well again.’ Nao Kao added, ‘Sometimes the soul goes away but the doctors don’t believe it. I would like you to tell the doctors to believe in our neeb.” (The word neeb, or healing spirit, is often used as shorthand for ua neeb kho, the shamanic ritual, performed by a txiv neeb, in which an animal is sacrificed and its should bartered for the vagrant soul of a sock person.) ‘The doctors can fix some sicknesses that involve the body and blood, but for us Hmong, some people get sick because of their soul, so they need spiritual things. With Lia it was good to do a little medicine and a little neeb, but not too much medicine because the medicine cuts the neeb’s effects. If we did a little of each she didn’t get sick as much, but the doctors wouldn’t let us give just a little medicine because they didn’t understand about the soul'” (Fadiman 1997: 100).

I am definitely not of the Hmong culture… but this excerpt brought me to the attention of my current treatment plan for my OCD. I know I have talked about this a couple of times, but it really brought to light how much my therapist and I have both been relying on the medication to heal me…. when in fact… I think it is my soul that needs healing. My therapist, I think, has a hard time realizing what is going on underneath the surface within me, so therefore, he thinks that I am so much better than I actually am. But I am not… I am broken.

Maybe my soul has wandered off like a butterfly.

Maybe I do need more spiritual things in my life. I know I need to go back to church, to pray more, to have more quiet times talking with God. I think I also need healing through my family and healing of myself.

I need my soul back. And obviously the medicine is not the answer, or the only answer.

I need to learn how to catch the butterfly that is my soul, but I am not sure how. I think though I need to start with forgiveness. Forgiving myself in terms of knowing that this truly isn’t me… these thoughts… “It is my OCD.”

Perhaps in my year hiatus from academia, I will once again be able to find my wandering soul and bring it back to me… In hopes that I will be whole once again and…perhaps if it is not too much to ask…happy.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Power of Prayer

I know! Three posts in one day! Obviously you can see that I am doing some serious thinking. Writing it out helps me think. Sorry if I am boring you.

But anyway… I have a for reals question to all the Christian/spiritual people out there. I really need an answer to this:

How do you know when God is answering a prayer?

….

I’ve always been envious of the people in the Bible who God ACTUALLY TALKS to. I mean in this day of time if you told someone God spoke to you they would think that you were schizophrenic, but what I would give for God to actually take me by the shoulders shake me and speak directly to me!

My friends and family keep telling me to “pray” about my current life crisis. I HONESTLY believe in the power of prayer… but how do you know what an answer is?

I’ve had prayers answered before. There was this one time when my OCD was really bad (prior to me knowing I had OCD) and I was TERRIFIED of driving. Where I had to drive to my sister normally drove me, because we worked at the same place. She though was out-of-town and I was going to have to make the 45 minute commute on my own for the first time. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I prayed all day the day before that God would give me the peace of mind, so that I could actually do it (at this point in my OCD I would get panic attacks at the wheel… because I was terrified that I would either accidentally kill myself or someone else with the car…apparently its actually a common OCD fear). My honest ardent eager prayer was “Should I go to work tomorrow? If so will you give me the ability to make it to work tomorrow? If not should I pretend to be sick and just call in to my boss that I am sick?” About thirty minutes before going to bed that night, my boss called me to tell me that he was sick and so neither of us should go into work.

I’m not saying that God answered my prayers by making my boss sick (knowing my boss he was actually probably making it up and just wanted that Friday off). But he did find me an out, because even if my boss was sick he could have still come into work or expected me too.

I’ve also had other prayers answered. Otherwise there are just too many coincidences in my life.

I also have friends who have had true prayers answered. My best friend’s mom had thyroid cancer (about 20 years ago now) and was given two months to live. After praying vigorously and having people pray for her and over her, she went back for a check up 2 weeks later and there was no trace of the cancer.

I can also give many other examples. But the problem is… all these answers are more in forms of miracles.

My prayer is more simple in terms of a grand gesture being done: “Lord, please show me what path you want me to take, for whatever I choose will affect the rest of my life. This is one of the largest decisions I will ever have to make. Should I continue on this path towards a PhD or should I take a different path.”

I originally thought this prayer would be answered in terms of what schools I got into and what funding I received. I got rejected from both of my top schools, accepted to another with no funding, and then accepted to another with full funding (through a TA position). Obviously the choice was simple go to the last school. Who my advisor will be is not my top choice. But the resources there are AMAZING and the consortium of scholars in the general area is unparalleled to anywhere else.

Therefore this one university is my choice. BUT I’ve been miserable in school. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m terrified that staying in school will keep my OCD extremely active… and it will also be a constant reminder of my OCD.

I keep seeing quotes though about how it’s never too late to change the path you are on, I find a connection with characters in movies I never have before, I listen to songs that totally speak to me in a way that I can’t describe about letting go of one’s dreams in order to follow what God wants me to do, my friends think I am crazy for wanting a PhD, and I can think of more pros to changing my career path than cons. I want an adventure in life and my current path is actually extremely adventurous, but every time I go into the field it doesn’t feel like the adventure I should be on. I hate field work. I hate writing. I like lab and doing research on specific topics. But I am SO TIRED. I want a new life.

BUT how do I tell the difference between “signs,” or  “God whispering to my heart,” with what my mind is just telling me because it is completely and utterly burnt out?

I feel as though I got accepted into a PhD program with funding, because well if I didn’t I am pretty sure that would have sent me into A HUGE DEPRESSION since I spent so many years going after something and not receiving the “prize.” But is getting into this ONE program the DOOR that God opened for me? Or was it just to show me that I am good enough, but he wants me to do something else??

I guess I am just kind of confused at how this whole prayer thing works. I believe in God. I believe he hears my prayers…. but how do I hear him back?

If anyone has any suggestions… please let me know… I really need to know…

 

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Secrets and Lies

Ah… where to begin this post.

So many secrets and so many lies characterize my family. Hahaha I know. Family probably wasn’t the noun you thought was going to be at the end of that sentence. BUT it is true. My family is messed up, but messed up in such a way that unless you are on the inside you would never know.

You know how individuals can have ‘masks?’ Well apparently a whole family can too.

My parents are both from messed up families… and well with them procreating and other drama involved… my family didn’t turn out the best. There is never not family drama and no one ever knows the whole truth at anytime. There are things that I have to PROMISE not to tell my other siblings. And then my mother loves to manipulate and lie to her children all the time so that we believe everything is ok when it isn’t.

I guess this goes back to my earlier post about being able to easily hide my emotions. I too have the problem of the mask, but it is the way I grew up. My mother would yell at me for something (probably about how I wasn’t doing well enough in school) for like 30 minutes and then 5 minutes later I would HAVE TO BE HAPPY. If I wasn’t, I would get yelled at more or be told to quit “mopping” or being “moody.” Ok I understand… people don’t like moody children… but common you just yelled at me for THIRTY MINUTES give me at least 30 minutes to cool off and to process the information you tried to “enlighten” me with.

But anyway… this isn’t a post that is supposed to delve into all my family issues (there are enough to create a chain of libraries filled with volumes of issues), but to discuss one aspect.

As you will have seen in my other posts… I am having a midlife crisis… or well hopefully only a quarter life crisis.

I’ve talked to many a friends and family members who are extremely supportive in whatever I decide. Whether it is to continue on to a PhD program in my current field or just to take some time to figure out what it is I really want from life.

Initially, when talking to my parents about this they were upset with me. Thinking I was over reacting to issues in my life and so forth (and the whole having OCD thing). My dad called me trying to determine whether it was the OCD telling me that I needed to quit, but I promptly replied that it was my OCD telling me that I HAD to go to a PhD program or I would fail my life.

But anyway. They decided to be “supportive” and telling me that its ok with them whatever I decide. I just heard though from one of my sisters that my mother talked to her about how I was going through a “phase” and that I go through this “phase” yearly and that if she heard from me she should just let me talk  and tell her that school is the right path for me.

May I ask the general world out there… Is it NORMAL to go through an existential crisis more than twice a year? Doesn’t that mean that I am UNHAPPY. Shouldn’t I be doing something that brings me joy? or at least doing something that leaves me time in the day so that I can find joy??

I just don’t know what I want out of my life.

I’ve been living under a mask, with secrets and lies constantly around me, to the point that I don’t know who I am, or what I want out of life.

Urg…. I need someone to save me from this. Please…

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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