RSS

Tag Archives: heartbreak

I’m Done

I’m done.

I don’t know how to be done but I’m completely and utterly done.

Why do you have to keep lying to me?? Why can’t you just leave me alone??

So I mentioned Fred in my last post. I didn’t mention all of what happened, because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he basically told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to me was because his girlfriend (the girl he started dating exclusively one week after he “officially” ended things with me) had broken up with him and he “missed me.”

The whole entire time he was trying to get me to let him see me, but I kept refusing. After I told him I couldn’t even have a business relationship with him (b/c apparently he was trying to do that) because it hurt too much to talk to him he said “Whatever, I am done with the drama” so I reblocked him.

Turns out… that girlfriend who dumped him? Yea she didn’t dump him… they are still together…

I only find this out b/c instead of FB giving a blank picture to someone you have blocked but still have messages from (I wanted to keep them around to remind me how horrible of a person he was), they keep their profile picture now. And guess who changed his profile picture to his romantic valentines dinner with her??

WHY??? Why did he contact me?? Why did he lie about that?? WTF????

Seriously was I only ever sex to you??? Is she not giving you any so that is why you had to reach out to me??

How can you be like that?? How can someone like you exist??

I’m happy now. I have Max… so PLEASE stop haunting me. PLEASE leave me alone. I don’t even want the ghost of you to  have any more control or effect on me.

JUST LEAVE ME BE…..

 

 

 

….please.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Poetry

It is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town–

that i have perhaps forgotten how, always (from,
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh) Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

–after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories

By: E.E. Cummings

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

For Brad…

This is a poem type thing that I’ve been working on since right before Brad told me that he couldn’t be friends with me.

They are poetic words from 26 of the 147 pages of Louisa May Alcott’s The Inheritance (my favorite book). There is going to be an art piece associated with it, but since I just finished the poem I wanted to share that first. It doesn’t have a title yet.

Still upon the grass
four days had passed
and she feared

Twilight gathered fast
a whispered repeated request
through her tears.

“Lost loves
are tokens of a heart
a sacrifice in vain.”
she said strained.

The patient strength of the heart
was a source of her sorrow
and a trial of her gentle heart

A dark form in dimly lighted gallery
his look of suffering
and sad earnest eyes
knew a message to give

The secrets of her heart
were not answered
in the secret of his kindness

Within that noble heart
a drop fell unseen
she would pass on alone
through the lonely woods

“My dream is broken,
I fear nothing,
I go softly on
For I have no heart to give.”

She stole softly
but a silent gratitude and unselfish love
never seemed more beautiful.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Not my Prince Charming

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”- Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy

When it comes to the belief of a “Prince Charming” I’ve always had an internal battle. Part of me… a part of me that only changed over this past year but still unfortunately creeps up back into my life every now and then… was convinced that I was never deserving of love… it had a lot to do with my OCD… how could anyone want to be with someone like me (because I was convinced I was a horrible person for much of my life)? But of course even at the worse of this… I always had secret hope that my Prince Charming would come in sweep me off my feet and change my life forever… showing me that I could be loved and deserved to be so. I always had the tinniest hope he would save me from the world… and myself.

But what if you meet Prince Charming and you aren’t his Princess?

There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve met Prince Charming… but unfortunately I wasn’t his princess. You don’t know how much I wish that I was… yea I’m still a little sad about it… but more than anything in the world I am so thankful that I got to meet Prince Charming. I rather have crossed paths with Prince Charming than never have met him at all…

…So it has been two months (and we dated for only 1.5 months!) since the Ex broke up with me… and I’ve been having the most difficult time understanding why I’ve been having such a hard time getting over him.

I know its partly because I miss him as a friend more than anything… and while he agreed to be friends… I don’t think we are ready to be at that point yet…

But anyway.. I kept wondering.. why can’t I stop thinking about him? and wishing he was in my life (even just as a friend)? Seriously… it makes no sense… we didn’t date that long at all… we didn’t have that many heart to hearts… yea I did want to give him my heart but he in the end didn’t want it and I’m not going to force it upon anyone. So it just doesn’t make sense…

But I was thinking more about it… especially because Fred has been weighing more on my mind lately… and I realized its because the Ex basically saved me from Fred… he rode up on a white horse and saved me. How many people can say that they have had someone change their life like that? I honestly have no idea where I would be if he hadn’t come into my life. Fred was destroying me… I couldn’t handle being treated the way I was being treated by Fred… and the Ex came in showing me that I deserved to be treated correctly and I deserved to be treated as if I was a precious thing. If I had never met the Ex… I have no idea where I would be…. actually yes I do… I would have said yes to Fred’s marriage proposal… I would be stuck in a horribly abusive relationship, wed to a man who really didn’t love me but was too afraid to loose me, probably pregnant, and regretting every moment of that life, but too afraid to leave him because I thought he would commit suicide without me.

The Ex broke up with me because he sensed my feelings were stronger for him than his were for me and he didn’t see things moving on beyond where we were at and he didn’t want to string me along. It was really great of him to realize I wasn’t “the one” now rather than later when feelings were even stronger on my part. I can’t even be upset with him for his reasoning (although I don’t completely agree with him about feelings having to develop evenly in terms of timing). But the truth is… even if everything went perfectly between the Ex and I… my feelings would always be stronger for him than his were for me…because he saved me and I can never express the gratefulness and love (not romantic love but love in general) I have for him for that.

And even though the Ex and I are no longer together or really speaking… he is still saving me from Fred everyday… The moment that I think about contacting Fred just to see if he is ok… I think about the fact of how that would completely erase all the amazingness that the Ex brought into my life. And I could never destroy the memory of our relationship like that.

I miss the Ex so much… and sometimes I wish I hadn’t met him just because of the hurt I feel, but that is a horrible idea… I have never been so grateful for someone being in my life than I am that the Ex was in my life. He was truly heaven sent… the timing of meeting him… there was absolutely no way that God didn’t have a hand in it… God gave me exactly what I needed… God answered my prayers by introducing me to Prince Charming. The Ex saved me in all the ways a person can be saved and I will never forget him. I can never repay him for what he has done in my life.

Prince Charming is such a wonderful man. His Princess is going to be the most blessed woman in the world. I know that she is going to have to be something pretty wonderful to even measure up a little bit to what he is.

So I’ve met Prince Charming. I’ve been graced by his presence. But just because I’ve met Prince Charming and I wasn’t his Princess… doesn’t mean their isn’t a love story out there for me.

There is no other Prince Charming that I can wait for… but I will wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, because he will fight for me and won’t let me go once he finds me.

Want to know a secret? Promise not to tell? We are standing by a wishing well Make a wish into the well, that’s all you have to do and if you hear it echoing. Your wish will soon come true. -Snow White

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Boston Tragedy

I have so many friends in Boston right now. It was in that area that I received my MA. The majority of my friends and even former professors have checked in saying that they are ok. But my heart hurts so much for them.

I pray so ardently for anyone and everyone affected by this. I don’t even have any words to say about this tragic event. I love you Boston family ❤ Please stay safe!! And please everyone in the Boston area please stay safe. Our hearts go out to all of you

547738_10151544102229586_1087482136_n

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

A long week

So this week has been rather long… it was actually long starting on Monday… and considering that is basically the first day of the week… that says something..

So to quickly summarize my week

(1) Worried about BF b/c he got his appendix taken out
(2) Pulled an all nighter Sunday night for a huge paper that I had due on Monday… pretty sure I didn’t do well on that paper considering that what I wrote about didn’t actually fit the topic…
(3) Forgot that I had a presentation in a class until Monday at 6:00am… after only 1.5 hours of sleep
(4) struggled through the morning to get ready to present by 10am… did pretty bad… not horrific… but like when i was presenting I couldn’t read my own notes… which isn’t good
(5) Went home to take a nap prior to pulling second all nighter to finish a project for the next day and couldn’t sleep at all…
(6) No motivation for project…
(7) BF broke up with me bc he said my feelings were too strong for him and his weren’t close enough… said we could be friends… not having slept in 36 hours I quickly got off the phone with him (seriously it was like a 45 second phone call) so that he didn’t hear me break down in hysterical sobs
(8) Hysterical sobs for a couple of hours
(9) Attempted to work on project
(10) Accidentally cried myself to sleep
(11) Had to teach the next morning… ended up letting my class out after only 15 minutes b/c I was afraid of hysterical sobs during class
(12) Spent the next 4 hours hysterically working on my project… my only motivation was fear of being humiliated in front of my class (b/c the project was a lecture)
(13) Somehow survived lecture… but def didn’t do too hot considering I didn’t practice it at all, so I didn’t time it, so I was afraid of going over, so I talked about a million miles an hour
(14) Shopped… shopping always makes me feel better… and it did but only for the time that I was shopping
(15) Got home… cried some more
(16) tried to sleep but failed (which is really saying something b/c usually when I’m upset I just sleep… but I was so upset that I was crying which is like a 10 on the 1 to 10 upset scale… b/c I never cry)
(17) watched titanic… tried to drown my sorrows in icecream… actually didn’t work… I actually couldn’t eat all my icecream! I’m not sure if that has ever happened before
(18) and then finally at like midnight fell asleep
(19) had to wake up at 6 am for class… didn’t wake up til 7am… rushed to school and got to class 15 minutes late
(20) and now I’m sitting here typing instead of preparing for next class that I have in 30 minutes that I didn’t read for at all…

AND to top it all off… before ANY of this crap happened… over the weekend I decided that I was going to have a final decision about my future in academia by Friday. Like I already made an appointment to talk to the graduate advisor of my program… all my email says was that I wanted to talk about my “academic career”… which could just mean I want to talk to him about my trajectory… but really I think its going to be the “this is my last semester” talk…

And its going to break my heart… yes I realize that I truly need to get out of academia its not good for my health… but academia is me… and without it who am I? I don’t know…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Good to Know

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

Why is it that even when it is staring you in the face you want to make excuses?

And the scary thing is… if he had asked me two weeks ago… there is no doubt in my mind that I would have said yes… the past two weeks though just allowed me to finally come out of my denial.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,