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The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway…

Frozen.

I don’t know how many times I’ve written in this blog or talked to my friends about feeling “frozen”… having a cold heart.. unable to warm… unable to feel…. but yet there is nothing I want more than to thaw out what is frozen…

I’ve never loved and hated a movie as much as I love and hate the movie Frozen. I’ve been putting off writing about it for a couple months now, because I still don’t know how to articulate how incredibly connected I feel to this movie and how much I hate Disney’s happy ending to this story. But I’m sorry Disney… the happy ending that you created was too unreal. It doesn’t matter that their was magically talking creatures in this movie or the power of an individual to create snow… no the most unrealistic aspect was the end.

… I am Elsa…8208481_6221277_b

Never in my life have I been able to identify with a character to the degree that I identify with Elsa. No I do not have the ability to magically make snow and ice appear, but I too was born with a gift that was misunderstood and became feared.

I’m not sure how presumptuous this makes me, but I have always felt that my greatest gift that I was born with was my ability to care and empathize with all that I meet. My parents have told me that they saw this gift within me even from a young age. I had such a loving heart towards everyone I met.

I don’t know how statically accurate this following statement is, but those who have been diagnosed with OCD  are usually those individuals who care most about others. Today, most of my OCD revolves around my fear of doing something that hurts others (whether physical or emotional), because I care too much.

Because of my “power” to care for others, I “developed” what I’ll call a “side effect”… my OCD… fearing too much for myself and for others. I couldn’t go to bed at night without ensuring I did certain rituals to ensure that I and my family didn’t die in the night… my parents knew there was something wrong with me… but like Elsa’s parents they begged me to hide it.

Elsa- “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know. But it’s only for today.”

That could have been my life’s mantra. I had to conceal… I had to put on a show… so that no one but my family would know their was something wrong with me. And like Elsa… I had to hide my hands… I didn’t wear gloves (that would raise more questions in our society), but I couldn’t reveal my bloody dry hands… I couldn’t let people see my rituals… it would take away from everyone’s view that we had a perfect family.

In fact, growing up I was able to conceal it so well… that except during OCD moments (hand washing, freaking out and doing rituals while going up escalators, freaking out in large buildings (such as churches, movie theaters, and malls), freaking out if I didn’t pet the dog in a certain pattern, freaking out when driving, freaking out about failing, freaking out about not being perfect)… I convinced MYSELF there was nothing wrong with me.

The biggest reminders though would be when my middle sister (who is completely Anna in this situation) would want to “build a snowman” and I would shut the door in her face. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that might make the OCD reveal itself… and it would hurt her sooo deeply.

Anna: Elsa?

Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore, come out the door It’s like you’ve gone away

We used to be best buddies and now were not I wish you would tell me why
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman

Elsa: Go away Anna
Anna: Okayy bye…

Once we got to college the OCD became worse… but my sister was occasionally able to coax me away from my room and build a snowman… but these were rare occurrences….

I can’t tell you the amount of times I thought about running away just like Elsa… how better my life would be… and in fact in some ways I did run away… I ran away to my isolated places… b/c I knew that if I was alone I couldn’t hurt anyone… just like Elsa… she ran away so she wouldn’t hurt anyone…

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

While this song seems so incredibly empowering, it makes my heart break… because this moment of empowerment is all based on the fact that she will be lonely forever.

“The cold never bothered me anyway”= “Being alone never bothered me anyway.”

While she loves her beautiful gift to make beautiful ice and snow, she still hates it… its what keeps her away from others… it is what keeps her separate and different… it is what keeps her alone… I love my gift for caring for others… but I care so much that it sets off my chemical imbalance… so I rather be alone… so I can care for others from afar… so they don’t have to risk anything being near me.

It is like this whole song is her being in awe and amazed at what she can do and using it to convince herself that loneliness won’t be terrible… and that she will be ok… but there isn’t much worse than being completely alone… don’t get me wrong… I need days to be by myself… to recharge… after all I am an introvert… but I know most of my loneliness (especially before I finally started therapy 2.5 years ago) is self inflicted… and I really don’t want to be lonely.

Anna: You don’t have to protect me, I’m not afraid!

Anna:
Please don’t shut me out again,
Please don’t slam the door
You don’t have to keep your distance anymore

‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I finally understand
For the first time in forever,
We can fix this hand in hand

We can head down this mountain together
You don’t have live in fear
‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I will be right here

Elsa:Anna

Elsa:
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates

Anna: Yeah, but –

Elsa: I know

Elsa:
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free
Just stay away and you’ll be safe from me

Anna (Elsa):
Actually we’re not (What do you mean you’re not?)
I get the feeling you don’t know (What do I not know?)
Arendelle’s in deep, deep, deep, deep snow

Elsa: What?!

Anna: You’ve kind of set off an eternal winter.. everywhere

Elsa: Everywhere?

Anna: Well, it’s okay, you can just unfreeze it

Elsa: No, I can’t, I – I don’t know how!

Anna: Sure you can! I know you can!

Anna (Elsa):
‘Cuz for the first time in forever, (I’m such a fool, I can’t be free)
You don’t have to be afraid (No escape from the storm inside of me)
We can work this out together (I can’t control the curse)
We’ll reverse the storm you’ve made (Anna, please! You’ll only make it worse!)

Don’t panic (There’s so much fear)
We’ll make the sun shine bright (You’re not safe here)
We can face this thing together (No!)
We can change this winter weather
And everything we’ll be – (I can’t!)

Even after others found out about what was wrong with me… they felt like they understood and that they could help me… and to a large degree… I am MUCH better because of the support of all those around me… but this gets to my issue with the unrealistic ending of this movie… there is no escape from the storm inside of me… and I have so much fear… yes my once severe OCD is barely present and mild at its worse now… but I can’t control it… and I fear relapse soooo much… and even with others all around me… leaving my isolation “hand in hand”… it doesn’t make the fear go away.

The end of Frozen… Elsa realized that it was “love” that would melt the snow and ice. It was love that set her free. It was love that made her realize that her “curse” was a “gift”… all of a sudden she was able to melt everything and use her power for fun and good.

I find this so incredibly unrealistic.

Elsa would have still feared her power. Yes… she realized how to control it… but what happens when she is angry or hurt? Will she be able to control it then? She would be afraid… she would still have moments when all she wanted was to isolate herself from others… yes love is powerful… but so is fear… and her fear wouldn’t go away. Yes people now understood what she would go through at times… but what would happen if they made her upset and she accidentally hit someone with ice… like she did to Anna? Now that Anna knows what can happen… still doesn’t mean they won’t get in fights… or Elsa won’t have a “trigger” moment… accidents can still happen… it was an “accident” that froze Anna’s heart… how would Elsa ensure that an accident didn’t happen again?

Everything wouldn’t be perfect… it would still be an uphill battle…

Unless I’m missing something?

Is my battle supposed to be over?

Love conquerers all… and I felt the love from family and friends since “I came out” (so to speak) about my mental illness… but even though all they give to me is love… I still fear myself…

I mean on a day to day basis I usually feel pretty good and love life… but I still need to run up my north mountain and be away. My happily ever after still hasn’t been reached… fear is still present…

I will always hate my frozen heart.. even thought it is what i use to protect others from me and to protect myself… yet I will always want it to be completely melted so that I can care for others the way that I was meant to… the way I was gifted to.

But you know what? The cold… the loneliness… it never bothered me anyway…

…. where is my happy ending? how do I make the fear go away to get it?

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Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Living/Talking Germ

One of the worst things for an OCDer with contamination issues is getting sick…

While many (if not most) OCDers of this persuasion fear themselves getting sick, I actually do not care if I am sick. What I care about is if I am sick and I get someone else sick.

I have a cold (and me being the melodramatic individual I am… it means that I’m close to death lol). I was terrified to go into work today. I knew there wasn’t much work for me to do (the main boss is out of town), so even though I felt like crap I would be able to do the little work that I needed to do….

But I was still freaking out… many of the people at my work have small kids… What if one of them got sick because I was sick and made their little one sick??? I couldn’t bare the thought of that…

But still I had to go to work, b/c technically I’m not allowed to take any vacation/sick days until after 6 months of being there or risked not getting paid… and with my shopping habit.. I needed to be paid…

So I went to work… It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought… I kept some hand sanitizer near by… and stayed away from the kitchen like the plague lived within it… and maybe washed my hands a little more than twice the time of a normal individual would when sick… but hey… I made it… I survived the day… and I don’t think I made anyone sick because of sickness!

So while I feel completely and utterly icky… and like i’m a living, breathing (oh wait I guess germs are living.. but do they breathe? I dunno), talking (i’m pretty sure they don’t talk lol) germ… today was a small victory…

One small step for my germs… one giant leap to OCD victory

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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He speaks to my soul

So my post yesterday wasn’t exactly cheerful… in fact it was pretty depressing… after I wrote it I was so sad.. and felt really lonely… and I had decided to just go to bed.

Well I looked over and once again saw my daily devotional and I thought “there is no way that the devotional today applies to me… it just completely applied to me last time… no way that can happen twice in a row when I’m feeling down…”

But I decided to pick it up anyway and read the devotional for that day… and boy was I ever so wrong… guys there is no doubt in my mind that God is speaking to my soul…

You are My beloved child. I choose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to proposer you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you, to spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.

Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.- Ephesians 1:4

Also read: Proverbs 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 1:13-14

Oh how God soothes my soul with love ❤

 

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ

 
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Posted by on June 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Before writing this post, I was having a “woe” is me moment…

…Something has just been feeling off lately… work is wonderful and I love going to it everyday… its just during the week when I’m not working and on the weekends… I don’t know exactly what to do with myself… it seems that I’ve lost the passion for many things… because I’m not using those things to procrastinate (see previous post)… or maybe just because I lack the energy… I mean work is tiring but nothing that should be leaving me this drained… I’ve been trying to think why… I mean I know I need to eat healthier and such that would probably help… but I have been eating better than I use to and the energy still lacks… I still partly blame the meds… I don’t ever remember being this foggy prior to starting Prozac and Klonopin (and I’m so glad that I don’t take Klonopin anymore… that stuff really kicks you on your butt lol)..

..and then I realized I’m just making excuses and finding other people to blame besides myself…

… something related to this is that I feel farther from God than I normally do… at first I didn’t understand why… I was doing all the things I normally do when it comes to my relationship with God… except I remembered how close I was with Him when I was going through all my trials this year… why am I still not that close?

Why is it that any romantic relationship I am in, I want to be actively participating and ready to work on things… but when it comes to my relationship with God, I just put it on the back burner…

God is always there for me… and I can be as clingy as I want with him (lol)… but yet… I’m not always there for Him… He put me in this amazing new job for a reason… one of those I think was so that I had free time to volunteer… I use to have such a passion for helping the less fortunate… but every time I think about starting I just keep telling myself “next week”… and thats what I keep doing with God… I keep saying that I will get closer to him “but tomorrow… I’m too tired today”… there is something very wrong with that…

Maybe my lack of energy and passion is my lack of focus… and where should my focus be? On God!

I also think I have a lot of fear holding me back… fear of not being able to handle things… fear of being unwanted… fear of not being perfect enough…

so while I was totally having this “woe” is me moment… I decided “eh… I guess I’ll just stretch my arm out and grab my daily devotional book called Jesus Calling (if you never have read it… get it now!)… and God is totally reaching out to me through this devotional passage

Trust Me and don’t be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting Me and singing My Song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts. Do not despise this weakness in yourself since I am using it to draw you closer to Me. Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort. You are not alone in this struggle for your mind. My Spirit living with you is every ready to help in this striving. Ask Him to control your mind; He will bless you with Life and Peace.— then it references Isaiah 12:2 and Romans 8:6

First off, for an OCD individual WOW… “fear”, “battle for control of your mind”, “years of worry”, “fear dissipate[s] your energy”… and the OCD is something I very much despise about myself… yet I shouldn’t b/c I need to use it to keep myself close with God… this reminds me of what I learned in the book Can christianity cure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder… So many famous Christians are believed to have had it including Martin Luther and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux… I need to read it again (it was the first OCD book I read when I was diagnosed)… but much of what the author wrote about Saint Thérèse of Lisieux mirrored much of my struggles with OCD… but from what the book said her devotion to God grew and grew even as her OCD became more and more severe…

Now that my OCD is mild to practically not present that should not mean that I don’t need to draw towards God… in fact the opposite is true.. outside of OCD (for it is not something that I should define myself by… yes I lived with it for most of my life and didn’t know what it was until 2 years ago… but I am not my OCD)… I still NEED God… I have a constant need for Him… And I need to recognize it and DO something about it… maybe my lack of energy has been because I’m not doing as God has intended for me to do… I seemed to have lost my passion for God and with that went my passion for life… because after all there is no life without God… I need my passion back for my God… my God who will always love me and cherish me… who will never leave or forsake me… because His love its extravagant… and nothing in this world will ever compare to it…

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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OCD Everywhere!!!!!

I don’t know why today… but my OCD has been freaking out all day… mostly this afternoon

I guess there could be several causes: (1) started new birth control pack a day late… so it messed up hormones**** or (2) I caused it upon myself because I was channeling my inner OCD perfectionist in order to get my office completely organized they way I like it (compared to the absolute disorganized mess the person I replaced left it in)…

But seriously… where ever I look my greatest OCD fear is there!!!

My Day + OCD Fear

8:15 am- band-aid

I’m just walking to the bus stop… minding my own business… and lo’ and behold!! What is it that is on the ground!!! A bandaid!!! As some of you may have read in another post… bandaids scare the crap out of me… seriously!!! Hep C is sooooo scary!!!!! I’ve been much better at handling them… so thankfully I wasn’t too freaked out about this

8:30am- peanut

y’all know how I feel about peanut butter… but the only seat available on the bus had a peanut on the seat (and with my whole foot situation right now I prefer to sit rather than stand b/c well… balance isn’t something I have lol)!! At first I didn’t believe it… I was like “no way could that be a peanut… i’m just gonna sit (whatever it was was within this little indent thing so I couldn’t really feel it when I sat)”…. I finally stand up to get off the bus… and guess what! It was a peanut!! seriously!!! So then I start freaking out that i’m going to spread killer peanut materials everywhere!!!! Perhaps I should have cleaned it up so if the person who sat down next was allergic to peanuts they wouldn’t die… OMG!!! is it all my fault someone is going to have an allergic reaction???

Then my day went pretty well until after lunch… 

1pm- Batteries

I don’t think I have ever gone into detail on this blog (except a little here) about my fear of batteries… but the idea of what is contained in the battery and the possibility of them exploding and the mercury stuff getting into the water of mexico use to keep me up many nights… but I was completely reorganizing my office area today and what did I come across in random places?? but batteries!! Are they old? Have they been used? Are they new?? I don’t know!! Nor do I have anything to try them out in (and even if I did I would be terrified they would explode on me)… maybe I should just throw them away??? but no!!! You can’t throw away batteries!!! Do they have a way to recycle them here?? What if they don’t and they want me to throw them away??? And then its going to be all my fault that the environment is destroyed!!!!!

5pm- Children

Children… everywhere on the city buses (b/c school just got out) Children scare me… mostly because they are sooooo easily contaminatable (my new word lol)…. they don’t have the immune system we have! What if they get sick b/c they get near me or touch my bag or something?? Did my giant purse run into that homeless guy who most likely has germs on him, giving me the germs, and now I just transferred it to the kid???? ahhh!! Protect your child from all contamination!!!

6pm- Biohazard bag

I’m just walking home from the bus stop and what on earth do I almost step on?? but a biohazard bag!! what the crap??? why is that just on the sidewalk!!! Did i accidentally touch it with my foot?? DId my bag touch it??? Am i now biohazardess???

6:30pm- cement

All I want to do is take my puppy outside on a walk… all we are doing is walking to a grass area across the street… but oh look they are redoing the sidewalk… oh wow… their is wet cement… I’ve never gone into my fear about cement on this blog… but again it was a fear that arose around the same time as the whole battery thing (Summer 2011… worst summer of my life..)… but since I don’t feel like reexploring that fear too much b/c I’ll freak myself out more than I am already freaked out… lets just say it scares the crap out of me… so thoughts “Did my puppy get to near the cement???? Was their dry powdery cement near the wet cement that she walked in and then its going to get wet at some point and she is going to have a small encasement of cement on her??? did she digest powdery cement??? did it get on me??? ahhhhhhhhhh!”

So suffice to say… today wasn’t a good day… my OCD hasn’t been this active in a while… I think I will blame both of the reasons above… blah… but still looking on the bright side… I’m actually doing pretty good… I mean part of my brain is turning over and over again… but I don’t really feel anxious… I just know to think “oh whatever… thats just the OCD… I’ll ignore the over active part of my brain right now… if this had been a year and a half ago I would have saw that peanut and gone directly home to hide under my covers… I’m no where near as bad as I was… In fact… I’m even sitting hear already laughing at this post and my thought process because I know I sound pretty crazy… I know everything is going to be fine… which is why I am calm and actually not freaking out at all really… I haven’t washed my hands or changed clothes yet to today… I’m 1,000 times better than I would have been when this all first started… I’m handling it… and I’m so proud of myself

but still… I don’t want to jinx it and accidentally make it turn out into a full out panic attack or something… so for now I’m just going to curl up and watch Warm Bodies (i’ve heard great things about this movie!) and wait for tomorrow to come so I will really be laughing at everything… because the best way to cope with everything is laughter 🙂

I hope y’all are having a great day!

****So random OCD knowledge that might help some of you… when you are menstruating… the loss of blood actually makes your OCD worse b/c with that blood you are also loosing serotonin (which is what we OCDers lack)! So being on birth control helps me maintain my serotonin levels hormonally (along with my prozac which I guess is more chemically) and then I know when to expect my serotonin levels to go lower (since the pills make you regular), making it easier to handle the OCD… so yea something that may be helpful for some of y’all to know! Its much easier to handle my OCD certain times of the month now that I take birth control.

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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