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Monthly Archives: December 2012

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Posted by on December 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Pursuing God…

So…. I just finished the second chapter of Captivating… and I’m already pretty speechless about how amazing this book is.

From a cross cultural global perspective… I’m not sure if I agree with some of their “universal” claims about women… but those claims that they have made completely and 100% define me….

They say women have 3 longings within their hearts:

  • to be romanced,
  • to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
  • and to unveil beauty.

Seriously… I can’t say for all women… but I can more than definitely say that for me… that truly is the core of who I am and what I want out of life. Those are truly my three greatest longings that I’ve had all my life.

I kind of feel less unique now that I know others feel that way too lol… I kinda thought it was just me… especially the second one… but I guess now that I think about all those adventure books I read with female leaders it makes sense now… lol. But they did note that:

“The desire of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart. Oh, we long for romance and an irreplaceable role in a great story; we long for beauty. But that’s not the life we have. The result is a sense of shame.” (Eldridge and Eldridge 2005: 30)

This quote particularly struck me as truth… b/c often I am “ashamed” of my fantasies that I have of being rescued by my knight and shining armor, of changing the world for the better, and to bring beauty to the world. But I shouldn’t be ashamed of that because that is the core of who I am.

All women are meant for beauty. The world was not deemed to be “good” by God until He created Woman. Women are in fact the pinnacle of perfection in the creation, we are the finale of all creation.

But anyway… there is something more in-depth I wish to discuss from this book thus far… and it is something I really don’t think I could have realized without everything that happened this past semester. Showing once again that EVERYTHING happens for a reason… The idea that I need to pursue God.

In Isaiah 49: 14-15, 18, Jeremiah 24:7, and Matthew 23:37, we see how much God wants us to pursue Him. Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 25) note:

“not only does God long for us, but He longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we’ve missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see Him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at heart, ‘after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority in someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God’s heart is, “why won’t you choose me?” It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. “You will find me,” says the Lord, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29: 13). In other words, ‘Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me,” Amazing, As Tazer says, God waits to be wanted.”

And then to add this quote, later Eldridge and Eldridge (2005: 45) tell us:

“God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him. He says, ‘You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ (Jer 29: 13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know Him you must love Him; you must seek Him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman’s soul, not to mention her sexuality. “you cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won’t let you in unless I know you love me.'”

At the beginning of the semester… you can look back in my posts to see this… I prayed that “God would show me what love was like on earth so that I could begin to comprehend what it was like for Him to love me.”

God had revealed Himself in this manner to me before in terms of my OCD… How I was able to learn again how to trust Him again by first trusting my earthly friends with knowing about my OCD.

I realize now… even though the ends aren’t what I wanted… I have indeed seen what love is like on earth and I can now slightly comprehend what it is like for Him to love me. I only say slightly b/c I don’t pretend I can comprehend God to His fullest… but He is revealing various pieces to me.

Just like I longed for romance and love in my relationship that is what God LONGS for… when things were going bad whether it was my fault or his (I’m over the blame game lol) I sat crying longing just to feel loved and wanted… now after reading the passages above from Captivating… I realize that God feels EXACTLY the same way about us when we don’t come to Him. Just like I wanted to be pursued and loved… God wants to be pursued and loved… God is crying for us to reach out to Him… He does everything in His power to show us how much He loves us… but yet often, like how I felt in the relationship, the other individual just turns away… oblivious to how much I was hurting and longing for him… or how much God is hurting and longing for me…

I now have a good idea how much it hurts Him for us to ignore Him… to turn away from Him… to not return His call to us… and the fact that I have hurt God like that? Wow… I have no words to express how remorseful I am…

I now have a slight understanding about how much God wants me. LOVES ME. And Cherishes me… and just wants me to want Him.

And then as the second passage says… God isn’t a harlot with His love… just b/c I know God is automatically going to forgive me for something doesn’t mean I should just go out and do it… it hurts Him deeply… we have to show God how much we love him through following His lead, His commandments, and His path.

This also shows me that I shouldn’t be a harlot with my love either… my heart is precious and I should only give it to that individual who is worthy of it. I need someone to pursue me so that I know that he loves me and is worthy of my love.

But really the only love I should be focusing on right now is God’s… I need to show God how much I love Him… I need to become more than 2%…. I need to make the romance between God and I more tangible… I need to pursue Him with all my heart. I need to stop hurting Him and answer His call. I need to recognize God’s love for me.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Refocusing my focus

So I need to refocus what I’ve been focusing on…

I have been focusing on: love lost, school, family drama, and my OCD.

What I need to truly be focusing on is one thing. One awesome thing: God.

If I walk in His path He won’t lead me astray. But how do I find His path? Especially since I’ve felt so far from him for so long?

I’ve decided to start with a book that I’ve always heard amazing things about but have never read: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.

I have to say I’m already extremely impressed and I’m only on page 17!

Growing up as a Southern Baptist and then growing up and becoming me… I’ve always struggled with the way the “woman” is supposed to be in terms of the church and my fairly liberal view points on life.

I always wanted to be that kind, nurturing, loving woman who always put others before herself. And not trying to sound conceited, but I think in many ways I am that person… but then I am also completely me in not wanting to be a house wife whose soul goal in life is to raise strapping young boys and always have dinner on the table at 6pm.

But this semester with all my relationship issues, discovering that I do not have to be caged by my OCD but in fact can be free, and reading just the very very beginning of this book… I’m realizing it doesn’t have to be one or the other… there is an in-between that can be the in-between that I need and desire in life.

I can be a loving wife and possibly mother without living in fear of my OCD, but I can also be me in terms of my always wanting to fight for everyone’s rights and trying to do good in the world.

My greatest desire is to change the world… even if in the smallest way. I always imagined I would be doing that in Africa or Central America… but why can I not do it in the very town I live in? That way I don’t have to decide between family and what I think I was created to do. Yes, I can still go to Africa and Central America… but the city in which I live needs just the same amount of help.

Especially since I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, I feel an intense connection with many of the homeless of my city, for the majority of them do have mental disorders. They are individuals who not only can I help but I can relate in ways many others cannot.

But anyway if I do find some day that I want to have a family… I don’t have to sacrifice everything about me to do that. Before I have a family and even during having a family I can whisk off and do God’s work in other countries, and when I am back with my loving family I can do that work in my own city. Or maybe I will have an amazing husband and family who will want to go off and have adventures with me!

My deepest and most secret (well now all you know but y’all don’t know who I am lol) desire in life is to be a missionary overseas. I’ve wanted to be a missionary since I was in Kindergarden and it became a very deep desire in high school and in the beginning of undergrad. Ever since my OCD became really bad in the second half of undergrad I felt like I could no longer do that though… not just b/c of contamination issues but because I believed that God no longer loved me or could love me. But I know that is false now.

Perhaps I can still have the whole life that I’ve always secretly wanted, but never really allowed myself to even consciously think about in fear that I would get my hopes up and only have them crushed, or because I didn’t think I was deserving.

But you know what? Perhaps I won’t ever get married, or have a family, no matter how much I’m realizing I actually want it. But perhaps I will. Perhaps I will be blessed in that manner.

God has always known my deepest desire in my life has always been to find love. Perhaps it is in His will, perhaps not.

But either way I can begin to work on the woman that I am now and want to continue to grow to be. I don’t have to throw that woman away for a husband or a family. That woman is me and will always be me. I don’t need what the “church” thinks a woman should be like or what my OCD thinks about me, caging me in a prison of just being a small percentage of who I am.

There is someone in my life who I often refer to as “2 percent” because there is “2 percent of that person” that is so amazing and great and contains soooo much potential that it hurts me to think they are not using the rest of 98% of themselves… but you know what?…. I think the real 2 percent is me.

I am only 2 percent of myself…

This a for real just now happening while I am typing realization…

My OCD has only allowed me to be so little of me (if any of me at all), my controlling but loving family has only allowed me to be a tiny bit of me, my academic prison (not that it has to be a prison but that is how I have been viewing it) has only allowed me to be a small part of me, and my lack of faith has held me back like nothing else.

I need to have more faith in God and who He made me to be. I need to start realizing my potential. I need to stop being only 2% of me. I need to be the woman God made me to be.

Of course this might make my OCD go haywire with the realization that once again I’m not “good enough”… but its not about being good enough… its about being me… shouldn’t that be simple?

Easier said than done of course… but before I get upset about other people not reaching their potential, I should realize that I am no where near reaching my potential… I can be SO MUCH MORE.

I need to learn how to be the woman God created me to be. And I really think that the book Captivating will be my first stepping stone to being her. When I find things that touch me in the book, I’ll write about it here and hopefully it will keep me more accountable.

I need to continue to learn who I am and how to make me follow in God’s foot steps… being the woman He made me to be.

I no longer want to be 2%. I want to be more. I want to be all of me.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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I wish I could stop…

I wish I could stop loving him… wanting him… longing for him… dreaming of a future with him..

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

If this is the real definition of a soul mate… then he definitely was… I learned so much from him about myself. I just wish he could stay in my life forever.

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I want to love him with no shame attached. With no one, not even him, telling me no…

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One of my favorite quotes is “One day maybe we will find the place where our dreams and reality collide.” but instead it does seem like I’ve only found the place where disappointment and regret collide. :/

My twin keeps saying it will get easier and easier… I trust her and believe her… I just need to keep going strong… if not for me than for him… I would be willing to get hurt again, but I don’t want to hurt him again. He is too important. I love him too much. I will distance myself from him, because it is what he wants.

 
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Posted by on December 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Expression of Sadness…

How do you make your heart stop breaking?

I could have sworn he was my other half. That I was going to grow old with him. That he would love me just as much as I love him.

I still have a hard time comprehending that he is no longer in my life. The lack of real closure doesn’t help either. I think he got the closure he needed, but I didn’t get the closure I needed. I don’t think that is anyone’s fault except the fact that we really didn’t know each other as much as we thought… But everything I did know about him… I loved…

So just some random quotes that I’ve come across to help with digesting everything:

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for”- unknown

“God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you….Don’t run after them.”- unknown

“It seems as thought life has become far more serious since that time we were walking by one anothers side, holding hands, kissing, looking into each others eyes and telling each other how much we care… My life has changed… My heart is broken… But I question, was it already broken and were you just a weight that’s been lifted to let it break or was it you who crawled right into the center and tore it apart? This probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, so I’m crying, that is all.”- unknown

“I will never steal, abuse, take advantage of or abandon the people I love. My heart keeps breaking a little more each day. It’s cruel.” – unknown

“I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”- Yeats

“Now I know what a fool I”ve been but if you kiss me now, I know you’d fool me again.”- Last Christmas

“It’s scary to find someone that makes you happy, you start giving them all of your attentionb ecause they’re what makes you forget everything bad that’s going on in your life. They’re the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end you day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it’s scary to think about how easily they could just leave you and take the happiness away too when they go.”- Anonymous

I love you. I miss you. Forever.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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OCD Freak out

It has been a while since I’ve had a major OCD freak out… until today…

The OCD freak out was about something completely TMI (too much information)… so I’m not going to share it with you guys…it just revolves around contamination… But oh my… I forgot what freak outs that bad were like… I’m still slightly freaking out about it (almost 12 hours later!)… but I think logic is winning right now… I think… but of course my OCD makes me freak out that maybe my logic is wrong… and so I want to do my lovely compulsion of looking things up online (The CDC website and webmd are my major go to websites for compulsion).. but I’m trying not too… I’m trying to be ok…

I’m not contaminated… and I’m not going to contaminate anyone… and even if I was somehow contaminated I cannot contaminate the world…

but what if I really am a ball of contamination? What if I’m really a bad person and want to contaminate the world so that is why I didn’t wash after feeling contaminated (compared to not sure if i was contaminated and not wanting to give into compulsion and wash too much)?? What if a normal person would have washed after said activity that made them feel contaminated… but I didn’t b/c I was afraid it was a compulsion when it really wasn’t a compulsion and something said normal person would do?? What if I am contaminated and its all my fault someone else gets contaminated??

Urg…

BUT I am just telling myself that it is all ok… I’m all ok… and everyone I know is all ok… no contamination occurred…

urg…. maybe I need to go take some more Klonopin…

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Easier…

So I thought that since I FINISHED THE SEMESTER (WOOT!!) I would be able to think clearer and things would be easier… but nope… I’m just as sad and heartbroken as ever… if not worse…

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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