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Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Tin Man

Someone told me something yesterday that I didn’t think I would ever hear said about me.

“You have such a hard exterior shell. I’m glad you are finally opening it up to me.”

Never in a million years did I ever think that was true. I’m quiet and reserved yes, but once you get to know me I am extremely friendly and talkative… I lived with this particular person in the middle of no where in Mexico for three months last summer and have been good friends with them since then. I don’t understand how I could seem to have had an exterior shell that whole time.

But anyway.. I didn’t realize that that statement was going to be a foreshadowing.

My heart is broken. I knew it was going to break… I mean it kinda already was. I was prepared for it. Yes I did hold a small bit of hope, but I was prepared for what I was getting myself into. What I was not prepared for was the betrayal that I feel like I have gotten from a friend about the whole situation in which I knew I was getting my heart broken in.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I feel unloved. I am so upset. I’m all these emotions at one time. But the thing is… I have a thesis due in 5 days. I don’t have time for this. I’m officially shutting down my emotions.

That exterior shell is now becoming the inner me, because I don’t want any part of these emotions anymore. They’ve gotten in the way of my academic dreams, but I won’t let them anymore. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. So I’ll get rid of those feelings that make me feel that way and not feel them.

Just give me a moral compass. That is all I need. Nothing more.

I envy the Tin Man and his heartlessness. My heart has been wasted and is of no further use.

Dear Tin Man,

You can have my heart, because I don’t want it anymore.

Love, An empty shell

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Video

Paradise is only found within my dreams

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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My life is truly a Comedic Tragedy…

My life really truly deeply is a comedic tragedy….

Today just went all wrong… but hilariously and depressingly so…

(1) Today I was supposed to have my thesis revisions back from my committee (a) chair/advisor #1 LOOSES my thesis. He claims to have written comments about it, but lost it. I had to send him another copy today so that he can put his “main ideas of those comments” on it… instead of the detailed one he supposedly wrote out for me (b) advisor #2 FORGETS that I was supposed to be receiving revisions from him… and says he has only “skimmed” it…. I should apparently be getting both of their comments tomorrow… but this doesn’t seem promising…

(2)… guy I’ve been dating (ok we went on like 2 dates)…. is apparently a former neo-nazi…. yea…. you can’t do anything but laugh about that one… let’s just say I won’t be speaking to him really anymore… b/c even though he says he is no longer that far to the right anymore… he isn’t disclaiming all his former beliefs… so yes… please laugh…b/c I really can’t stop laughing about this one either

(3) My MOTHER gave a way the last family dog that we had b/c she couldn’t handle having him anymore… WITHOUT TELLING ME….yea she isn’t very nice…

(4) The PhD program that I was trying to defer from apparently mixed my email up with another Samantha who denied the phd program and decided to go elsewhere. I’m not sure if this means that they took me off the enrollment and left that Samantha on… or they just thought that that Samantha wanted to defer and then denied them within the same day. Either way though… they denied me the ability to defer… so guess who will be going into a PhD program next fall. I couldn’t say no….

(5) All my close friends in my field really think I should take this opportunity. I haven’t told my main advisor yet, but I told my other “kinda” advisor… who really hates me for no reason… and you could totally read on his face and the way he worded everything that he thinks it is a bad decision for me to go…

(6) I want to hide in my bed for the rest of my life…..

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Forgiveness and the Past

I have always considered myself to be a firm believer that everyone should be forgiven if they ask for it.

People make horrible decisions all the time and regret them afterwards. Wouldn’t it just be a better place if we were able to forgive each other if someone ardently wanted that forgiveness? I mean we shouldn’t be going around forgiving people who don’t see the error in their ways or don’t mourn for what they have done. But those who have truly seen the light and have changed… we should forgive them right?

I really don’t know anymore…

I feel there are awful things that I have done. Part of my OCD is that I never see myself as a good person. I know what it feels like to be hopeless and to believe no one in the world could ever care about you. It is such a horrible feeling that no words can do it justice.

So I should be willing to reach out to those who have never hurt me, but have hurt others but have asked for much forgiveness from all parties involved. right?

This would be a lonely world if no one could receive forgiveness from anyone on earth.

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Oxymoronic OCD Driver

This is ALL based on ME and MY OCD experiences while Driving:

To do list to successfully make it from Point A to Point B in a moving vehicle under your control:

(1) Determine you need to go somewhere.

(2) Think about all the reasons you need to go somewhere and if you really could get out of not going.

(3) Convince someone to drive you… FAIL.

(4) Layout the whole driving path in your mind. Think about why car crashes happen. Its because people are not focused enough on what they are doing. Focus in your mind on the task at hand.

(5) Grab the keys and start to freak out. “Omg… I am about to get into a car… do you know people DIE IN CARS. People get HIT BY cars who are in cars AND who are just WALKING.”

(6) Get into the car. turn on.

(7) Find the most perfect comfortable way to sit. This includes putting a pillow, sweater, teddy bear on your lap… anything to hold on to for support and comfort… holding the car underneath your hands just isn’t stable enough. The pillow, sweater, teddy bear is the opposite of a death contraption and will give you feelings of protection! And something to squeeze when you get scared.

(8) Back out of the drive way. Truly start freaking out here “I am driving a KILLING MACHINE! What if I don’t see someone and accidentally hit them??? What if someone wants to commit suicide and just jumps out in front of my car and I get in trouble? What if I commit suicide by running into or off something?? Do I want to commit suicide? Omg by getting into this car am I resigning myself to suicide??? AM I SUICIDAL??!! I don’t want to commit suicide! What if I accidentally committ suicide!!!!”

(9) Before fully out of the drive way look both ways HUNDREDS OF TIMES to make sure no one is there in terms of car or pedestrian.

(10) Leave the drive way. Start Driving. Think… “must focus… must focus…as long as I am focused on the task at hand.. I will not accidentally kill anyone and I will not commit suicide!!!”

(11) Get out of neighborhood. “Omg there are children everywhere!!! Please PLEASE don’t let me see any of them even in there yards b/c then I’m going to freak out that they are going to run into the middle of the road and I am going to accidentally hit them.” *see child in neighbor’s yard* Drive 5mph till out of view of child to make sure child doesn’t come running anywhere near the car.

(12) Finally on the main road!!! “Omg what I was thinking driving somewhere!!! I’m going to end up killing myself! I don’t want to… but I mean if I just accidentally tilt the wheel in that direction I am going to straight off the bridge and die!! I don’t want to die!! But what if I do it on accident??? I don’t want too!!!”

(13) Continue driving on main road…hit pot whole…. “OMG WHAT DID I JUST HIT??? DID A PERSON RUN OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD??? DID I NOT SEE THEM?? WHAT THE CRAP HAPPENED?????” Look in all mirrors and on car for signs of hitting a person… releaved too not see any signs of hitting someone… then check and look at other cars to make sure no one else stopped b/c they saw you hit someone. Finally look at the cars behind you and the road to realize “oh… that was just a pot whole.”

(14) Continue driving…. “OMG I AM DRIVING A KILLING MACHINE. MUST FOCUS MUST FOCUS. I MUST BREATHE AND FOCUS ON DRIVING. OH GOSH I NEED TO FOCUS ON BREATHING!! AM I BREATHING??? AM I GOING TO DIE??? OH NO I CAN’T TELL IF I AM BREATHING!!!” *Due compulsions that make you realize that yes you are breathing (touch nose feeling breath on hand)* *Due compulsions to make sure that in fact you are alive and just not breathing while brain dead (do weird throat thing I can’t really describe)* “OMG IF I AM SO FOCUSED ON BREATHING I CAN’T SWALLOW MY SPIT! WHAT IF I DROWN ON MY OWN SPIT! I DON’T WANT TO SWALLOW IT!!!!” *(Grab onto pillow, teddy bear, sweater to give you the support you need to swallow your spit)*

(15) Continue driving… start full on panic attack… “OMG I CAN’T BREATHE. WHY CAN’T I BREATHE. OH NO MY HANDS AND FEET ARE STARTING TO GO NUMB. OMG IT HURTS TO BREATHE. MY VISION IS STARTING TO BECOME BLACK AT THE EDGES!!! AM I HAVING A HEARTATTACK?? AM I GOING TO DIE??? IN THE PROCESS OF ME DIEING IS SOMEONE ELSE GOING TO DIE TO B/C I’LL END UP RUNNING INTO TRAFFIC INSTEAD OF OFF THE ROAD. OMG I DON’T WANT TO DIE NOR DO I WANT ANYONE ELSE TO DIE.”

(16) Grab cell phone. Dial first number appears. “Hi mom! I need you to talk to me! I NEED YOU TO KEEP MY MIND OFF OF DRIVING!!!! Yes I know normal people need to focus to drive.. but believe me mom I don’t want to focus while driving… I FOCUS TO MUCH! Please just talk to me so that I can focus on something else besides my impending doom.”

(17) Talk to individual until feeling in hands returns. Realize that you can actually swallow and breathe without actually thinking about it.

(18) Talk to individual until at destination and car is turned off.

(19) Talk to individual until heart rate has gone down and you can finally unclinch your hands from the steering wheel.

(20) Get off the phone. Thanking individual for talking to you.

(21) Open car door. Put feet on the ground and your head between your legs, so that you don’t want to pass out/throw up anymore.

(22) Run to the nearest bathroom to puke.

(23) Enjoy your Destination… lasts about 10 minutes

(24) Start freaking out about return trip

(25) REPEAT.

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So yes… if you have ever wondered why someone may not like driving or may appear to be a bad driver (although everyone in my family says I am the BEST driver… b/c I am so focused on not dying or killing anyone), it may be because they have OCD. And have the complete and utter OCD break down described above EVERY TIME they get behind the wheel.

Is it laughable? Of course!! Is it during the situation? Nope.

But yes this is why I don’t drive. This is a for realz experience lol.

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Evening Forecast:

Today’s evening forecast is: Lonely sadness with a 30% chance of sarcastic hope

So many emotions today… I can’t even describe. I laughed a couple of times only for it to be covered minutes later with pain of who I wish I could be and who I could be with. I hide things well though (in person…definitely not on this blog lol). Sometimes its hard to remember how a real smile feels compared to this painted one.

Blah. So much depression. But never fear… my next post is brilliant and is going to be hilarious. I’ll have it up for tonight. The topic: the maniac oxymoronic OCD driver :).

 

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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‘Your Soul is like your Shadow’

So I am currently reading a book for the class I TA for that is titledĀ The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collisions of two CulturesĀ by Anne Fadiman.

This book sent me into several anxiety attacks while reading it. I kept having to stop reading and do something else. I almost took extra anxiety meds to help me calm down, because I was getting close to a panic attack.

This book is extremely frank and detailed to the point that it feels like you are right there with them. With this Hmong family who are refugees trying to understand how to balance their beliefs and culture with Western medicines so that they can help their baby who has a very bad form of epilepsy.

The author accurately depicts every emotion that was occurring throughout this child’s life between the parents and the doctors and the child. She even describes in great detail the condition of the child during some of her fits and the extreme amount of medication that this poor child was on. I was stressing out for the child because the cultural barrier was to great for either side to breach it in order to save the child.

But anyway… it is not a light read in terms of the emotional toll. So only read it if you are prepared.

I came across a really moving passage though that I wish to share:

“The Lees [parents of the child] politely submitted to my questions about Lia [the epileptic child], often answering at length, but they also had their own agenda, which, as Nao Kao [the father] once put it, was ‘to tell you about Hmong culture so you can understand our ways and explain it to the doctors.’ Their favorite time for these cultural lessons was about 10:30pm, after they’d gathered conversational steam for at least four hours. One night, just as May Ying [the author’s translator] and I were getting ready to leave, Foua [the mother] decided to explain soul loss to me. ‘Your soul is like your shadow,’ she said. Sometimes it just wanders off like a butterfly and that is when you are sad and that’s when you get sick, and if it comes back to you, that is when you are happy and you are well again.’ Nao Kao added, ‘Sometimes the soul goes away but the doctors don’t believe it. I would like you to tell the doctors to believe in our neeb.” (The word neeb, or healing spirit, is often used as shorthand for ua neeb kho, the shamanic ritual, performed by a txiv neeb, in which an animal is sacrificed and its should bartered for the vagrant soul of a sock person.) ‘The doctors can fix some sicknesses that involve the body and blood, but for us Hmong, some people get sick because of their soul, so they need spiritual things. With Lia it was good to do a little medicine and a little neeb, but not too much medicine because the medicine cuts the neeb’s effects. If we did a little of each she didn’t get sick as much, but the doctors wouldn’t let us give just a little medicine because they didn’t understand about the soul'” (Fadiman 1997: 100).

I am definitely not of the Hmong culture… but this excerpt brought me to the attention of my current treatment plan for my OCD. I know I have talked about this a couple of times, but it really brought to light how much my therapist and I have both been relying on the medication to heal me…. when in fact… I think it is my soul that needs healing. My therapist, I think, has a hard time realizing what is going on underneath the surface within me, so therefore, he thinks that I am so much better than I actually am. But I am not… I am broken.

Maybe my soul has wandered off like a butterfly.

Maybe I do need more spiritual things in my life. I know I need to go back to church, to pray more, to have more quiet times talking with God. I think I also need healing through my family and healing of myself.

I need my soul back. And obviously the medicine is not the answer, or the only answer.

I need to learn how to catch the butterfly that is my soul, but I am not sure how. I think though I need to start with forgiveness. Forgiving myself in terms of knowing that this truly isn’t me… these thoughts… “It is my OCD.”

Perhaps in my year hiatus from academia, I will once again be able to find my wandering soul and bring it back to me… In hopes that I will be whole once again and…perhaps if it is not too much to ask…happy.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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