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Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Lie of Silence and the Empowerment of Anger

I really dislike anger… I really dislike the emotion… I’ve been up close and personal to what anger can do to a person… and to one’s family… I’ve also known personally what it does to relationships (of the friend variety)… I’ve had things happen… I’ve learned from them… my family still lives in a constant state of anger… since those specific events in my life and the constant vibe’s from my family… I try my hardest to stay away from anger… I don’t like being angry… I like to let it go right away… move on… there is nothing I can do about it…accept it for what it is…

But I am so incredibly angry right now…

My therapist says that anger is healthy and that I actually need to use it as a tool to keep myself protected… to keep my boundaries up so that I can never be hurt like that again… she doesn’t want me to let it fester at all… eventually I need to let it go… but since the anger is so fresh (since late Tuesday night)… I need to utilize it to build my boundaries…

But my anger is sooooooo much right now… I can hardly think about anything else… I don’t like this… If I wasn’t so cold and keen on staying wrapped up in a blanket I could probably run like 10 miles (which is really saying something for me since I can’t even run a mile)… good thing I am not an aggressive person in any way shape or form!

but the thing is it isn’t just anger… it is a hurt like I have never felt before… and I have been hurt A LOT… I can’t describe the pain that I feel… I thought I knew what heartbreak was like before… but I literally can feel my heart breaking… the cruel event that has happened to me…

I’m just so infuriated b/c it is also my fault… I should have known better… I should have realized that certain people just can’t be trusted b/c they will ALWAYS hurt you… but for some reason I’ve just always believed everyone deserves second chances… even if it is there 100th second chance…

But I should have known better… I should have known it would happen… so I’m not only infuriated and hurt about the event… but I am sooooooooo angry at myself…

But I’m trying to learn from this… I’m trying to learn how to build my boundaries and never allow anything to happen to make me feel like this way ever again… but I’m afraid of building those boundaries up to the point that I will never let them down again…

But how do you get over anger like this? Go buy a punching bag?

I need to let it go… I don’t want to end up life my family… I’ve seen that… it is horrible… but I rather feel this anger than just the hurt… because then I don’t think I could get up in the morning…

So then should I let the anger go once the hurt has healed? Because it has to heal… I’m too angry not to make it heal b/c no one should have the power to make someone hurt like this…

urg…

some quotes for thought…

β€œWhen truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.”
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“The best lies are always at least partially true.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton

“A half- truth does more mischief than a whole lie.”
– Ivan Panin

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
– Malcolm X (1925 – 1965)

“I have a right to my anger, and I don’t want anybody telling me I shouldn’t be, that it’s not nice to be, and that something’s wrong with me because I get angry.”
– Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

“It’s important for people to keep in mind that while anger is a feeling that everybody has, aggression is a choice.”
– Carole D. Stovall

“Anger is one of the ways God protects us. Anger is, in fact, a God-given experience. We have been given a divine emotional signal in our heads that tells us when we are getting too near the edge. Like semaphore lights at a dangerous train crossing, anger tells us to pay careful attention.”
– Paul Meier and Robert L. Wise

“Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand…. We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.”
– Julia Cameron

“Anger is a fuel. You need fuel to launch a rocket. But if all you have is fuel without any complex internal mechanism directing it, you don’t have a rocket. You have a bomb.”
– Gil Scwartz

“Anger is not a sinful emotion. But how we act when we are angry may well be a sin.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

“Anger is our reaction to the violation of our boundaries.”
– Kathleen Dowling singh

“At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that your misery has been created by another person. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you may realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that your caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Three thoughts for today…

So three entertaining thoughts that characterize my day today…

(1) How is it that I cannot get someone to want to be my boyfriend… but can I get two creepers in one day and three in one week to tell me how pretty I am? Why yes… Yes I can…

(2) I swear that my city’s subway system is like the stair cases of Hogwarts… Every time I get off at a stop, no matter how many times I’ve gotten off at that stop before this time, I always end up somewhere that I don’t expect.

(3) MY TWIN GOT HER FIRST ACCEPTANCE INTO A PHD PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY TWIN!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Slow reader…

Ok… so I am being a terribly slow reader at reading Captivating… I just keep getting distracted… I seriously think I have ADD… seriously thought process in my brain:

“This book Captivating is so great. I can’t wait to learn from it all and finish it!”
“I also can’t wait to finish that pizza in the fridge”
“Speaking of pizza, I can’t forget to check on my meals on chefville”
“Oh, they have a new game now called Coasterville I wonder whats that about”
“Hmmm, I wonder how Marlene’s job at disney is going these days”
“I miss that girl… oh that day I set our apartment on fire”
“Speaking of fire… what is that smell”
“Ack! The pizza is burning!!! Fire!!!”

Of course it is much funnier in my head… but oh well… what can one do about that…

But anyway… back to Captivating… I came across another part that really spoke to me… especially about my current life difficulties with figuring out what I should be doing with my life path….

Quick word of warning this is a long quote… but I think I need to include all of it so y’all can get more of the meaning…

“Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems, unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul- and ours- that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. IN love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

‘Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;she will look for them but not find them.’ (Hos. 2:6-7)

Jesus has to thwart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling, our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh we might turn to him for our ‘salvation,’ for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. He’ll make what once was a great job miserable, if it was her career that she found shelter. He’ll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our ‘way of life’ which is not life at all.

[the authors then proceed to tell a story of a woman named susan who had a horrible abusive child hood and when life became hard she went into a defensive posture… she needed to learn how to be vulnerable once again… the woman then writes:] ‘Every day I must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be my God, my Strength, and my Defender. He told me that I didn’t need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, he is my Defender and Advocate Would I let him be that for me? I said yes. There was a huge weight lifted off that I can’t fully explain'” (Eldredge and Eldredge 2005 89-90).

I have used my current career path as a way to find life ‘on my own terms.’ From late high school into the beginning of college… I had my heart set on being a missionary… actually I’ve wanted to a missionary since kindergarten… or at least pictures of a board in my kindergarten class room that had our names next to what we wanted to be when we grow up tells me so.

But I was also focused on making my family happy.. sadly not God… but my family… so I went the path they thought I would enjoy the most… the path that they basically told me to do… it was also the only way I could prove to my family that I was smart.. they only believed you were smart if you were in a math or science… so I had to get straight As to prove that a social science could be included in that… my main concern was and still is “I don’t want to fail my family or my life”… and I never think about “I don’t want to fail God”… but that is what I should be thinking… when I die, all i want to hear is God tell me “Well done, dear one”… but how can I if I don’t know if I am on the path I should be on?

I usually characterize the end of my second year of college (which I did in three years) as the time when my OCD really started acting up in my non child hood life… but in reality it was the summer between my first and second year… that was when the Pure obsessions began and I began obsessing over obsessing…

I don’t remember much except for the fact that I was taking two summer courses, I had to drive to get to my summer courses over a bridge (major OCD trigger), and I was having a quarter life crisis of what to do with my life.

I had started to realize that the field of social science that I was in was not for me… but I didn’t know what else to do with my life… all I knew was that I loved community service so the logical thing for me to look into would be Social work… I spent the summer refining my application to the social work school at my college and sent it in… I got in… but the week that classes began I started obsessing that I was destroying my life by not going full force into the social science that I had chosen… my advisor in the social work school was really getting annoyed with me b/c in the week of add/drop I probably added and dropped my courses three times before I finally just told her that I couldn’t do it.

What scared me was that I was ruining my life… then as my OCD slowly progressed… academia is what I began to hide within so that people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me… I could hide my perfectionism within it because who didn’t want to get all As to get into the best grad programs? It steadily got worse as I began to give things up that I loved (such as being Director of Community Service for a program I was part of and spending time with friends) in order to feed into the perfectionism because I was terrified of failing… the only way I could defend myself from failing was to put ALL my time and effort into academia… I felt alone… I had to defend myself… I had to protect myself… and then as my OCD got even worse (hard to imagine lol) academia became my prison… the place I remained so that I could somehow have a small impact on the world but remain apart from everyone else… it was my way of defending everyone else from me (because I believed I was such a horrible person)…. it was my way of controlling the world and me.

But what this passage brought to light to me was… first of all… I am not my defender! My only defender is God… no matter where I try to find my salvation… whether it be in academia… or in a relationship that I thought would save me from myself… I cannot obtain it unless I go through God. I also cannot control anything (something I have a very hard time accepting lol).

I need to turn to God to save me… save me from this fear of failure… this fear of my obsessional thoughts… this fear of ruining my life and others… My life is really miserable a lot of the time… I keep turning to God and for a brief moment I am with Him and everything is ok… but the moment I get my fill I leave thinking I can live on my own without him… but I can’t… I need Him all the time… every moment…

I need to follow in God’s path.

But then I keep thinking… maybe I’m just getting cold feet about academia… maybe this is actually a trial… and I am supposed to remain in academia and it is just Satan trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be here… but I keep looking at all the evidence…

(1) The number one reason most people are in the field that I am in is because of the fieldwork… everyone loves it… I hate it… I absolutely hate it… there are some aspects about it I LOVE… but those aspects are the secondary aspects that surround the main field work…. the main reason for doing the work and the actually doing of the work we are supposed to be doing… I hate… it is PURE misery to me… and I have done field work MANY MANY times with the same results every time…

(2) I hate the in school portion… I constantly hate having to prove my worthiness to my professors just for a paper with an A on it..

(3) I hate academic conferences… I know most people love the drinking part the most (I don’t drink so… yea).. but people are usually pretty interested in the things being presented… i hate it… I hate sitting there having to listen to someone talk for 15 minutes… my thoughts are constantly “can this be over already?”

(4) I hate obsessing over doing work and never allowing myself to do anything else because I haven’t finished my work

…..

You would think that all of those are pretty big red flags… but I do love to teach the material, I do sometimes like research (it really depends on the topic… and then I only like doing the research portion… I hate the writing it up portion), I like that I get As…

but really… if that is all… why pour the one life I get into this??

My friend Jodie recently told me that after a long discussion with her mother that she is quitting her job. She dislikes it. She isn’t sure what she wants to do right now… she had her heart set on med school but didn’t get in the first round… but she knows that her job is making her into a person she really doesn’t like… so even though she makes great money… she is going to quit… and she is 5 years older than I am… part of me is afraid to quit because I fear it will put me behind… but if she can quit and be ok with it at 27… then I should be able to quit at 23 and be ok with it…

I wish I was as brave as Jodie… I hate what academia does to me… This is my 6th year in academia (3 years undergrad, 2 years MA, 1st year PhD)… out of all those years… my favorite is my first year of college (b/c well it was my first year away from home!) and then the first year of my MA program…

Thats what keeps getting me in trying to determine whether I should quit or not… I had a great first year in my MA program… yea I was a basket case the majority of the time… but I had an amazing group of friends… but just because I made the wrong decision in going into academia doesn’t mean that God abandoned me and wouldn’t provide me with a great group of friends… I keep trying to think of the material we learned… did I like it? honestly? yea I kind of did… I was still passionate then about what I do… but I was also new to my area of specialization and was getting to know the information…

urg… that one year is what is throwing me off…

I just don’t know…

I just wish I knew how to hear God’s voice better… people keep saying He will lead you in the path He wants you to go… but honestly… I have NO idea what that path is… I’m good at what I do… look at my transcripts and it will show you… I got a 4.0 in undergrad… 3.9 in my MA (two freaking A minuses!– and lets not forget I got diagnosed with severe OCD during my second year of my MA), and I got all As last semester… but am I good at it because I am controlling that aspect and forcing myself? If I was to let God control would I still be here? Or would I be elsewhere?

Urg.. I don’t know… I thought when writing this post I had a clarifying moment of “Academia sucks! I need a new life path!” but now… i’m just as confused as always…

Sigh… well at least that is one thing I don’t fail at… confusion… I bet I am the best out there at being confused… πŸ˜‰

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Oh my life… :)

My life is seriously one giant joke… not in a bad way at all! I mean… everything is absolutely hilarious that happens to me…

Tajel has nicknamed me “Penny” from Abc’s show Happy Endings… if you have ever seen this show (if you haven’t go watch it!)… I am basically Penny… everything about her is me.

We both are pretty much crazy and hilarious things just kind of happen to us lol.

Most of the things that happen in my life though are usually those “you have to be there moments”… but man do they make my life more enjoyable…

I had several interesting experiences this week…

The first to share was that for the first time ever I was groped on the subway… yea I know some people are creepy and these things happen.. but never in my life did I ever think it would happen at 7:45am on my way to class.

I was standing in a packed subway… late for class (as always… and it was snowing making me even later because… well… I can’t actually walk in snow… I’m a “tiny” bit clumsy lol)… and my stop was coming up.

There was this really cute old guy (not cute in the attractive way but in the “awwwww he is so old and wrinkly… he is such a cute old dude”)…. and he saw that I was trying to some how position myself so that I could get out at the next stop…

He said something to me… I have NO idea what he said… he spoke Italian or Romanian or something and his accent was pretty thick… but I thought from his body language he was trying to say “Oh you have to get off at this next stop. I sympathize with you in this packed subway. I’ll try to get out of your way.”

When we finally reached the stop… I started pushing my way through… and as I stepped next to the cute old man… he looks at me and I plainly understand him say “You are so very pretty. I hope you have a great day.” And as he was saying this last sentence… the next thing I realize is that they are fingers pressing into my jacket… filling up my side and looking for a specific part of my body…

All I can say is THANK GOODNESS for big winter jackets… I didn’t feel much and quickly fled… I would have punched him if I was 100% sure it was him (there were people behind me trying to push out and maybe one of them was just really grabby?) and if I was 100% sure I would hit him compared to the person next to him… well b/c my aim is horrible and it was a really packed subway car!

But seriously… maybe I should feel violated about this? but I honestly just can’t stop laughing… the cute old man turned out to be a creeper… oh where is this world going if you can’t even trust the cute old men anymore??!!! lol

And experience 2 of this week… so I met another guy online… and we were talking a lot… and we were actually planning on going out today… but the more and more we talked… I knew there just wasn’t something right with this guy… He kept asking me questions about what kind of shoes I was going to wear on our date…what kind of shoes I was wearing now… if I would allow him to give me a foot massage because he loves to give foot massages… again its kind of one of those you had to be there things… but I’m pretty sure he had a foot fetish… nor do I think he was all there completely… he was SO sweet… but… he didn’t know how to handle normal conversation or flirting…

I would be in the middle of telling him something that wasn’t flirtatious or anything but just answering a question to how my day was or something… and the response I would get would be something like “I wear nautica” … ok???… so I didn’t know how to really reply so I would just say something like “oh thats cool…” and his response would be… “I smell good.” and I would be like “that’s good to know”… and his response? “Ok sounds good”… wait what?

And he would talk to me for HOURS… about absolutely nothing… but if I hadn’t answered him within 10 minutes he would text “so what are you doing?”… it was getting kinda creepy…

And we hadn’t even met yet and he was already planning our second date AT MY APARTMENT…. so either he was just a really sweet guy who didn’t know how to flirt/ hold a conversation or he was a creeper…

So yea… I ended things with him… but it was really kind of funny… I eventually just told him I didn’t think we were a match and that I didn’t want him to waste his time coming out to see me this Saturday when I knew it wasn’t going to work.

I feel bad… but even my therapist said there was some major red flags going on..

So yea… that was my life this week… there is never a dull moment in my life… except right now when I am trying to convince y’all I don’t have a dull life I’m really just trying to avoid really really dull homework…

sigh… I really should get to my homework… it would be good to do I guess… blah… some one out there want to finish my PhD for me?? lol

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

My heart hurts… but I’ll be ok…

I seem to only write on here when I am really upset…

So dear cyber world please know that my life is actually pretty freaking awesome… It is not only the heartache that I talk about on here.

I have so many things to be thankful for…
(1) I have an amazing puppy who I love so much
(2) I have an amazing roommate who is always there for me no matter how many times I come home crying.
(3) I four of the most amazing people in the world as my best friends.
(4) I’m getting a great education.
(5) I have an apartment that I really can’t afford but have amazing parents who are helping me.
(6) I will have the ability to love again… eventually…
(7) I have a God who has claimed me as His and will love me until the end of time.

So yes… my heart hurts… horribly… but I’ll get through this.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The worst kind of betrayal…

I have just recently experienced the worst kind of betrayal… and from whom you may ask?

My subconscious…

Seriously… laugh! b/c I am sorta laughing… but it is just so wrong…

When I am upset… USUALLY… I don’t cry… (this has proved false lately though)… instead I just sleep… I sleep the world away… because in my dreams I can pretend like everything is ok…

but it absolutely is sooo wrong when your dreams not only pretend like everything is ok but make what you sooooo desperately long for come true… but only in the dream. So when you wake up thinking that your dreams became reality and then realize it was only a dream… its a bit of a rude awakening… causing tears to pour out of one’s eyes…

Sigh…

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Please…

Dear God,

Please pull me close. Hug me. Be with me. Just let me feel your presence here…My heart… it feels so empty…

Please God be with me. I need you so badly… it hurts so much… this pain it isn’t bearable…

I feel so used, unwanted, and unloved.

Please God hold me.

I tried so hard God, I wanted it to work so much. I gave it my all… every single bit of me… and I don’t know how to get it back… or if I can get it back… I gave it my all and I was still denied the one thing I wanted… I didn’t even get a sliver of it… no matter how much I wanted it and fought for it, I was denied it. I would have been happy with just a little bit… I didn’t need it all… but I needed more than what was offered because it was literally tearing me up inside… I just needed a little more… not that much more just a little… but now it has all been denied. I gave it my whole heart, body, and soul, and I was found that I wasn’t good enough… only a small part of me was good enough and the rest of me drove what I wanted so desperately away…

And you know what the horrible thing is? I keep completely blaming myself! I don’t know God, maybe it is my fault… but it def wasn’t all my fault… More and more was being asked of me and I gave and gave and was still denied the only thing I wanted, I was denied even a small portion.

Why? I mean I’ve learned a lot… but Why God? Why couldn’t I even have a little? How am I supposed to get me back when I gave it my all? My heart feels like it is gone… the only reminder that I have of ever having a heart is this excruciating pain that i feel that signifies that its gone. My heart is gone God… Even if I could get it back… I don’t know if I want it back… I gave it so freely… without reserve, without wisdom, with blind trust. No one as stupid as me should even be allowed to have a heart… and I did give it away freely… I want it to stay in the place that I gave it away… but it appears that it was thrown out the window without a care in the world of how it would affect me.

My heart is lost…

I feel so empty… so cold… please help me through this… hold me. carry me. I no longer have the strength to continue on. See me through this dark night… you promised… and You are the only one I can trust to keep their promise… because no one else in the world does… false promises are made to those of us who blindly trust and our punishment is the destroying of our hearts.

Be with me… please… help me through this pain… it hurts… so much… I knew I shouldn’t have put my trust where I did… I should have kept it with you… you never lead me astray… but the world always will…

I just wanted to be loved God… please give me your love… wrap me in it, cradle me like a babe because I can no longer walk on my own.

Please God, I need you now. Please hear me.

I don’t know what I have left… but if I do have anything left I give it all to You… I sure don’t want it anymore and no one else can protect it. That is if it is even worth protecting.

Please… hold me… love me… please…
~me

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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