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Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A long week

So this week has been rather long… it was actually long starting on Monday… and considering that is basically the first day of the week… that says something..

So to quickly summarize my week

(1) Worried about BF b/c he got his appendix taken out
(2) Pulled an all nighter Sunday night for a huge paper that I had due on Monday… pretty sure I didn’t do well on that paper considering that what I wrote about didn’t actually fit the topic…
(3) Forgot that I had a presentation in a class until Monday at 6:00am… after only 1.5 hours of sleep
(4) struggled through the morning to get ready to present by 10am… did pretty bad… not horrific… but like when i was presenting I couldn’t read my own notes… which isn’t good
(5) Went home to take a nap prior to pulling second all nighter to finish a project for the next day and couldn’t sleep at all…
(6) No motivation for project…
(7) BF broke up with me bc he said my feelings were too strong for him and his weren’t close enough… said we could be friends… not having slept in 36 hours I quickly got off the phone with him (seriously it was like a 45 second phone call) so that he didn’t hear me break down in hysterical sobs
(8) Hysterical sobs for a couple of hours
(9) Attempted to work on project
(10) Accidentally cried myself to sleep
(11) Had to teach the next morning… ended up letting my class out after only 15 minutes b/c I was afraid of hysterical sobs during class
(12) Spent the next 4 hours hysterically working on my project… my only motivation was fear of being humiliated in front of my class (b/c the project was a lecture)
(13) Somehow survived lecture… but def didn’t do too hot considering I didn’t practice it at all, so I didn’t time it, so I was afraid of going over, so I talked about a million miles an hour
(14) Shopped… shopping always makes me feel better… and it did but only for the time that I was shopping
(15) Got home… cried some more
(16) tried to sleep but failed (which is really saying something b/c usually when I’m upset I just sleep… but I was so upset that I was crying which is like a 10 on the 1 to 10 upset scale… b/c I never cry)
(17) watched titanic… tried to drown my sorrows in icecream… actually didn’t work… I actually couldn’t eat all my icecream! I’m not sure if that has ever happened before
(18) and then finally at like midnight fell asleep
(19) had to wake up at 6 am for class… didn’t wake up til 7am… rushed to school and got to class 15 minutes late
(20) and now I’m sitting here typing instead of preparing for next class that I have in 30 minutes that I didn’t read for at all…

AND to top it all off… before ANY of this crap happened… over the weekend I decided that I was going to have a final decision about my future in academia by Friday. Like I already made an appointment to talk to the graduate advisor of my program… all my email says was that I wanted to talk about my “academic career”… which could just mean I want to talk to him about my trajectory… but really I think its going to be the “this is my last semester” talk…

And its going to break my heart… yes I realize that I truly need to get out of academia its not good for my health… but academia is me… and without it who am I? I don’t know…

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Why I Will Never be Happy…

Yes this is a “my life sucks” post… so unless you want to become more depressed don’t read this….

Reasons I will never be happy…

(1) I don’t know how to be happy. There are moments in life when I am “happy”… but those are just moments. I don’t know how to let that happiness continue beyond just a moment.

(2) I am unhappy when I am by myself, but I NEED me time. Some days I am around people CONSTANTLY, especially at school. When I come home at the end of the day, all I want is time to myself. Not homework time… not talk to friends time… me time.

(3) All I ever do is wish to have fun and excitement and when I do… I can’t enjoy it. I went out with friends last night. We saw an awesome ballet, which I enjoyed. But could I have fun with my friends? nope not really… all I ever do when I am with others is think about how miserable I am and how I will never be as fun and carefree as they.

(4) I love someone who could not and will not ever love me. All this love causes me is pain, but I can’t let him go.

(5) I hide my emotions to well.

(6) I will never be the beautiful individual I so ardently want to be.

(7) I have no energy for life… not even enough to make this a long post that explains everything…. maybe I’ll find energy later.

(8) My OCD won’t stop tormenting me.

(9) I don’t know who I am.

…………………..

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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