Last week…

So last week was Fred and I’s anniversary… On September 4, 2012 he started talking to me…

For my few friends who read this you may or may not be surprised at the fact that I let Fred see me again a few days before our anniversary and the day after (I know so stupid!! you don’t have to yell at me! I’m yelling at myself!).

There is no explanation of why I allowed him to see me. I knew one thing would lead to another as always… I mean that is the only reason that he came to see me. But my indescribable draw towards him allowed him back in… just for two nights…

While the time I have with him is always so happy, the moment he leaves me I’m left with less of myself than before… so incredibly sad and broken.

But this ‘boy’ has taken up a year of my life… I won’t let him have anymore of it. I refuse. I’m done. The tiny bit of happiness he gives me isn’t worth the pain that he also gives me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of not being whole.

I’m stronger now than I use to be and I won’t let him back in. The master manipulator is gone forever from my life.

It is wrong that someone like him can have such power over my life. He held my heart in his hands and he did not treat it as precious… in fact he destroyed it.

But hearts, they are supposed to resilient, aren’t they? I won’t let him have power over me any more. I will take the remains of my heart back and what will come out of it will be more beautiful than it was before.

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A Good Day :)

It is rather ironic that often when we are in the most pain we forget who is always there for us. Who no matter how much we screw up loves us so much. Who just wants us to come to Him to be comforted.

It is amazing that even though we ignore Him and push Him away thinking we can get through things on our own that He always reveals how much we mean to Him and how much He love us and how much He wants us to return the love.

I was giving myself a solid week for self pity… I wasn’t sure how easy I was going to be able to end that self pity today… but from the moment I stepped outside this morning I felt God’s love surrounding me.

Today is probably the last warm day that we are going to have before fall/winter fully sets in… but in everything about today… the warmth, the sun, the cool breeze… I was able to feel God’s love and His want for me to be happy.

Yes life sucks sometimes. God never wants to see us hurting, but He can make beauty come from our pain.

I have learned SO MUCH. Especially in regards to myself.

I realize that I need to work on setting boundaries for myself. I’m usually only one extreme or another. I either have all my walls completely up, letting no one in or I put them all down and put my trust and faith completely in someone. Not that the latter thing is bad, but doing that quickly not only makes me vulnerable but it makes me extremely attached to that individual and it makes it hard to let them go. That isn’t good for me nor the individual who may end up seeing me as “clingy” or just overburden with me being my crazy self. lol.

I have heard a lot of good things about the book Boundaries. I think I’m going to buy it and start improving this aspect of myself. I need to learn to have healthy boundaries.

Also, I’m still new to this area and making friends has been difficult. I’ve moved a lot and usually I have no problem making friends. I usually ‘click’ with some people right away. That though hasn’t seem to happen yet with my cohort. My roommate and I are great friends, but we hardly see each other because we have such opposite schedules. So I’m having to learn how to make friends the way I guess normal people do. Besides my roommate I only clicked with only one other person, and as we all know I ruined that. I made that individual the center of my world (besides the fact that I loved him, I think it was just because I had found someone I clicked with so well in a city where I hardly knew anyone), which is unhealthy on SO MANY levels. The only person who should be the center of my world is God.

So yes, I screwed up. I made a mess of my life. But you know what? No mess is too big for God. He is always there to pick me right back up after I fall. He will always love me even though I don’t deserve it and I will always love Him.

God used today to draw me closer to him. The warmth of the day, the feel of the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and just the general manner of all the people I came into contact with today: all happy and loving life. I also felt beautiful today… yea partly its because I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my parents bought me for my birthday… but it gave me the confidence I needed to enjoy the day and find the beauty in the day.

God is cleaning up the mess I made. I’ve emotionally been a wreck for the past week… but He is always there picking up the pieces. Showing me that His way is the better way. Even though I’m not sure what His way is…He is slowly showing me His plans through life lessons and His love.

I hope all of you had a great day today. God loves you!

 

The Beauty and Love of the Forgotten

I am not completely sure of why this correlation is so… but I find that most things that are forgotten, whether they be people or things, are truly the most beautiful things in the world that are the most worthy of love.

I’ve traveled a lot in my 22 (soon to be 23!) years of life. I’ve lived across the country in various places from Hawaii, to the deep south, to New England, and now the mid west. I’ve lived in tiny towns where I’m related to everyone I meet and I’ve lived in cities where I know no one but my roommate.

But never in all of my travels have I seen such beauty… such love in the world… then when I am among things and people who have been forgotten by all except those immediately around them.

The places I’ve been within third world countries… the love and beauty I have seen… nothing can compare.

I had the opportunity to live in a small indigenous community in Mexico a few years back. They lived literally in the middle of the jungle.

The poverty of this community was such that I had never seen before. Even the poorest in the United States looked like Kings to these people. They had no money to buy excess of anything… their greatest financial splurge would be on a coke, which was more expensive than alcohol. Clothes were often wholly, torn, and dirty. People were sick and could receive no treatment, because they couldn’t afford it.

But these, who their surrounding society barely acknowledge, were the happiest people I have ever met in my life and experienced the most love between partners, family, and friends.

I worry a lot about how easily forgettable I am. Last year, I became a ghost and it seemed like no one’s life was affected by the fact that I was no longer there. As I said in a previous post… I’m a ghost no longer… but still… I worry that people would forget me if I didn’t remind them I was there. And what makes it worse… is that I don’t feel like that people in the middle of the jungle… I don’t feel beautiful.

I want to believe that inside I am a very beautiful person… maybe that is just a way to cope with my feeling of invisibility. I think it is because I correlate the beautiful (not necessarily physically but spiritually) with those who are worthy of love and have worth. Intellectually I know that I am worthy of love… but emotionally I have a hard time feeling it. Even when someone tells me that they care for me or that they love me…while intellectually I believe… there is always a small but loud part of me that refuses to believe it, because I am not beautiful.. I’m not worthy of love. I’m forgotten but not beautiful.

I wish this part of my brain would listen to logic. But it is very persistent and louder than the rest of my brain.

When I was hiking through a part of the jungle with some friends… we came across an area that use to be a part of the village, but it had been abandoned. There was this small house or perhaps it was a shed. It was forgotten by all except those who stumbled upon it.

I have no idea of the context of this building. Why it was built… what happened within it… why it was abandoned. But it was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. In its broken- ness and falling apart it was beautiful. I can still picture it now. It was like it was giving itself completely to the surrounding jungle. It no longer cared for itself… but became a part of something bigger… something more beautiful.

In its broke-ness, it was beautiful. In its pain, it was beautiful.

I think this small structure that had been forgotten was one of the most worthy of things to be loved. For even though it was abandoned it gave itself to something bigger. The forgotten seem to be the most worthy of love, but yet hardly receive it, except by the rare gazer.

But if the structure could have feelings… was it happy? The people in the jungle were… because they felt love by their community.

If you are to be forgotten, should you be forgotten in order to become a part of something larger or should you only be forgotten after the quick experience of love, community, and friendship?

So should I continue to dedicate my life to something that is much bigger than me… and know that my impact is just going to be a small ripple in something bigger… or should I chase after my dreams of wanting to experience love?

It probably doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive… but I find myself currently on the extreme of both sides… I have the opportunity to grasp one or the other… which one should I reach for?

When I am on my death bed… will I be content with what my life was?

If I’m going to be forgotten either way… should I be forgotten in the fight to better humanity or after I’ve actually experienced life?

 

Perception

Some days seem to be not as bright and colorful as others… but beauty will come out of everything…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that perception is reality.

How someone perceives the world, events that happen around them and to them… is someone’s reality. People obviously perceive things differently… so everyone’s reality is different.

You can’t read this blog and not know that I have had my share of fear, pain, hurt, and misery… but I’ve also had my share of love, joy, hope, and dreams coming true.

Still though… I always perceived my life in the same way through all of this. I saw it in the same colors in the same hue and vividness.

Cross-culturally colors are a unique phenomenon. Not every culture perceive the same colors. Some cultures only have two colors (black and white), three colors (black, white, and red), or four (black, white, red, blue (though sometimes instead of blue its green or yellow)).

Recently… those colors I perceived in my life changed drastically… things became became more bright, more vivid, more beautiful, more brilliant, and more full of hope. It was like I was on the crest of perceiving another color that had yet to be discovered. One of a beautiful mystery.

That small change of my perception was apparently only supposed to last for a little bit.

I’m extremely sad and heartbroken that it only lasted for a short period of my life.

Now though that things have gone back to what my ‘normal’ was… things seem duller then they once were. It is like once that vividness and beauty of that short period left me, it left me blind… in wanting of it back… in pain of no longer having it. Things don’t seem as beautiful as they did even prior to that moment of drastic change.

But… I’m holding on to hope…

Hope that I can once again find that new reality that I am in such want of. I’ve had my taste of it… and I won’t rest again in my journey until I can taste it again and keep it for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that my perception of reality can be changed again… I so look forward to that day, when I can keep that new perception as mine forever, and have that new reality full of constant and unconditional love.

 

Beauty from Pain

 

Beautiful

According to the Oxford English Dictionary…

Beautiful is defined as Full of beauty, possessing the qualities which constitute beauty; excelling in grace of form, charm of coloring, and other qualities which delight the eye, and call forth admiration; affording keen pleasure to the sense generally, especially that of hearing; delightful; Impressing with charm the intellectual or moral sense, through inherent fitness or grace, or exact adaptation to a purpose.

It’s the last portion of the definition that I find most important. Its points towards an inner beauty, which is usually so strong that it can shine outwardly too.

I believe there is beauty in everyone… even if it is difficult for one to realize it within themselves. Even in the most darkest places, there is light, even if it is the tiniest glimpse. If their was no light to be found then the individual wouldn’t recognize darkness.

I ardently want to be beautiful. In order to not be a hypocrite, I have to believe that there is a part of me that is beautiful. I know when I was younger I was indeed a beautiful person, but then life happened and I slowly began to lose it. I want it back. I’m going to fight to gain it back. I won’t go down without a fight. I NEED to fight this stupid depression.

There is beauty in the world I just need to find it in myself.