The Wanderer by Friedrick is one of my favorite paintings.
I think it is because I have always considered myself a wanderer too.
Moving as much as I have throughout my life (even though the majority of it was not my choice), I have never felt settled anywhere. I have never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years. I don’t know if I will ever be settled anywhere.
But I do know that I need to wander once more. I need to move on from where I currently am… but to where? I have no idea… and I am scared.
Reason is telling me to move. To go to where my PhD program is. Go through the program and get my PhD.
My heart is telling me… no… there is something else out there for you that isn’t academia. But where that is I have no idea. Move to live with my sister (I’m so afraid we will kill each other… b/c well sisters fight), move in with my bff (but in a city that is not very public transit friendly at all which isn’t good), or stay where I currently am. The last two options require me to find a job right away to pay to live. The first option… my sister would give me time to get up on my feet, which I feel like I need.
My brain on the other hand is just shut off and not thinking. I think it is officially burnt out.
I’m not sure though if I am ready for anything yet though.
I also feel like I am creating drama that isn’t supposed to be there. I HONESTLY don’t want to go to this PhD program. I don’t want a PhD. I want to be happy. Happiness is what I want. But deep down I know I am going to end up going. Because… I can’t fail… I can’t give up… I have to stay in my academic prison because maybe I deserve it. I’m not good at anything else, so it’s not like I would be a use to society.
I want to make a difference in the world. For the Good, but I am terrified that my difference will have the opposite effect.
Today I had a MAJOR OCD freak out over some batteries. My sister is here visiting and we were going to play with my Wii. The batteries were dead so I went to go change them only to discover that they exploded in my remote and crystalized. I TOTALLY freaked… terrified that I got it all over my floor and me and that even though i cleaned it I may have missed a spot, so my roommate’s cats are going to lick the floor and die from whatever is in batteries. My sister and my roommate told me how illogical this was… but even though its been like 6 hours since the incident I am still terrified. I don’t want to do anything negative in this world even if it is a complete and utter accident. That is partly why I have no desire to live. I want to be taken out of the game before I accidentally do something wrong, like hurt someone’s feelings or go on the wrong path in my life. I know it’s a bad way to view life. And AGAIN I am not suicidal. I would never do that, because I feel like my life still has to have some value.
I want to make A GOOD difference in the world. Even if it is just doing paper work for others to make the real difference and I don’t think my current pursuit of academia will get me to even making a small good difference. In my field we seem to be more concentrated on ourselves than others, which is really sad.
I just don’t know. I think I am just making drama and heartache for my eventual decision to stay in academia.
BUT there have been so many things pointing me to leaving academia. Conversations I have had with friends. Random quotes I have seen. Movies I have watched a thousand times, but then I finally see another underlying meaning that I never considered before.
But maybe I am just seeing what I want to see. How do you tell the difference between a “sign” and a “my mind is just making things up.”
How do normal people make decisions because obviously I don’t know!
I don’t know what to do……….
But I am… but I think I’m just going to wander for little bit longer… maybe I’ll find my path…