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Sneak Attack

I’ve been feeling a little off for most of the day. I pulled an allnighter on Tuesday to get a paper done for Wednesday. Apparently I’m getting too old for allnighters… and the moment I got home on Wednesday around 1pm I fell asleep… until 7pm… and then I was up for about three hours and fell back to sleep around 1030 or 11… I then meant to wake up at like 6am since I had gotten so much sleep… but I didn’t wake up until 1000… thankfully thursdays are my only late school days…

And all that sleep just made me more tired… so I was basically a walking zombie all day. I then went out to dinner and on my way back… I randomly had an all out panic attack.

I haven’t had a full blown panic attack that bad in over a year… I really don’t understand what brought it on…

can my weird sleep cycle have done it for me? I haven’t been taking my Klonopin for the majority of this semester b/c my psychiatrist and I decided I didn’t really need it anymore… but I had to take it again today in order to stop the panic attack… and it takes 45 min to kick in… so that wasn’t fun…

I just don’t understand… why did this randomly happen??

not cool body/brain… not cool… I’m just gonna go to sleep now where you can’t make me have more panic attacks…

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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Nightmares

I have  written about dreams a lot throughout these posts. I find that I write about them due to the fact hat I sleep way more than the average person does.

I actually had a sleep test done (I may or may not have mentioned this somewhere else) where they couldn’t formally diagnose me (due to the fact that I couldn’t take naps for them), but they think I might have a form of narcolepsy (obviously on the more functioning side and less server).

With that being said I have posted a lot about how I actually like dreaming. It takes me to a new world one in which I don’t have the troubles that I have today. One where I can be or do anything I want.

But sometimes though… like last night I have dreams that are plagued by OCD fears. Dreams that seem so real… I honestly don’t know if they were dreams or reality. Usually about after a couple of hours I can discern what was a dream and what was reality… but within those few hours when I am not sure.. I am frightened..

I guess one would just call these nightmare. But like I will have whole dreams that I have had conversations about my OCD  with someone and/or OCD compulsions are happening such as cleaning my bathroom profusely and when I wake up I actually think these events happened.

I know some people  can wake up and be completely alert, but I can in no way shape or form do that. I’m always in a some what zombie mode.. and the more tired I am the worse it is and the worse it is trying to decipher between dreams and reality.

I’ve always wanted to find that place (as a random quote mentions) the place between “dreams and reality”… but not when they are nightmares.. I don’t like them… at all… and they kind of make me question my mental stability even more…

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Sleeping Academic

Life isn’t a fairytale.

No matter how much we want it, it does not exist.

I always thought that I could at least get a “Hollywood ending.” My thought process for this is that Hollywood endings really aren’t about endings, but are about beginnings. The beginning of relationships, new life after a great adventure, etc. Hollywood endings, to me, were always the prologue to the actual story.

I’ve tried to hold on to some hope and optimism… but as the days pass I find that I have less and less hope. I don’t want to be hopeless. I don’t want to not have feelings. I rather feel bitter resentment of my life not turning out the way that I want it to than nothing at all. Feeling nothing is scary.

But here I am. Sitting on the couch with a thousand things to do, but I can’t motivate myself to move. Its like I’m Snow White after she bit the apple or Sleeping Beauty after she got pricked by a needle.

But there is no prince coming to save me. True love’s (not that I have one) kiss won’t work. I’m not some amazing beauty/princess that the world can’t live without. I have to find a way to save myself, but I don’t have the energy. I’m too tired.

Maybe Sleeping Beauty and Snow White wanted/needed to sleep. To reenergize/ to reboot themselves. Maybe they would have woken up eventually without the aid of a prince, they just needed time.

After all even the energizer bunny has to get new batteries every once in a while. Maybe I just need a replacement battery. But its hard to replace your own battery.

But…. I know I can’t do this on my own. No one though is here to wake me up.

I must figure out how to save myself from myself. Behavior influences thought, so maybe I’ll act like everything is ok and I will be ok.

“I’m trying to be what I am not in fear that I will forget who I am. The mask stays on to protect me from others and myself.”- random poem(ish) thing I wrote a few days ago

I’m tired of feeling like this. I NEED to wake up. But…. not now… maybe tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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