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Monthly Archives: February 2014

I’m Done

I’m done.

I don’t know how to be done but I’m completely and utterly done.

Why do you have to keep lying to me?? Why can’t you just leave me alone??

So I mentioned Fred in my last post. I didn’t mention all of what happened, because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he basically told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to me was because his girlfriend (the girl he started dating exclusively one week after he “officially” ended things with me) had broken up with him and he “missed me.”

The whole entire time he was trying to get me to let him see me, but I kept refusing. After I told him I couldn’t even have a business relationship with him (b/c apparently he was trying to do that) because it hurt too much to talk to him he said “Whatever, I am done with the drama” so I reblocked him.

Turns out… that girlfriend who dumped him? Yea she didn’t dump him… they are still together…

I only find this out b/c instead of FB giving a blank picture to someone you have blocked but still have messages from (I wanted to keep them around to remind me how horrible of a person he was), they keep their profile picture now. And guess who changed his profile picture to his romantic valentines dinner with her??

WHY??? Why did he contact me?? Why did he lie about that?? WTF????

Seriously was I only ever sex to you??? Is she not giving you any so that is why you had to reach out to me??

How can you be like that?? How can someone like you exist??

I’m happy now. I have Max… so PLEASE stop haunting me. PLEASE leave me alone. I don’t even want the ghost of you to ┬áhave any more control or effect on me.

JUST LEAVE ME BE…..

 

 

 

….please.

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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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