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Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Struggles

So something I’ve been struggling with here in my city is a lack of friends. I just haven’t met with many people that I connect with.

God has answered so many of my prayers, but for some reason I have had a hard time believing that he could help me with this one. Isn’t this something I need to fix myself? I’ve been the one kind of standoff ish… I’m the one who doesn’t like to be in large groups and its hard to find people who prefer one on one time (which is what I love). I need to fix myself.

Yesterday my “social activity” for the week was supposed to meet with my bible study group to watch a movie in the park. I was actually really excited about going, but as the day wore on I was getting really tired and not really in the mood to go out. But still I was going to make myself go. But then when I looked it up it involved much public transit and a very long commute. Normally this wouldn’t stop me from going, but the day before I was stuck on public transit for 1.5 hours due to traffic and was a bit frustrated with it.. and I didn’t want to travel all the way back late at night by myself. I feel safe with where I live, but its A HUGE city and I’m not going to jinks myself. So I didn’t end up going. Which I felt bad about.

But I did decide to take my puppy on a nice long walk. I really wanted to go to a place I hadn’t gone to since before winter. I hadn’t gone sooner, because its a long walk and with my ankle… traveling that far on foot on a path that doesn’t have car access so I can’t call a taxi if I get stuck has scared me. But I finally got the courage to do it.

I had decided though since I was skipping out on a bible study thing that I would have my own bible study and time with God when I got out there. Unfortunately by the time I hobbled out there it was already getting dark so I didn’t get to spend too much time there, but the time that I did spend in God’s Word and my devotional was extremely uplifting. Once again I found God speaking to me through my daily devotional.

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.

Ephesians 2:7-8; Psalm 34: 5; Hebrews 3:1

Is this not what I’m struggling with? The idea that I need to fix myself? I mean there is no doubt I have much to work on… my lack of confidence, my fear of being unwanted, my fear of being forgotten, my fear of never fitting in. But I can’t ‘fix’ these things on my own. I shouldn’t be focusing on fixing these things… but I should “fix” my gaze upon God. He has answered SOOOOO MANY  of my prayers lately. He has helped me overcome my OCD, He is the reason I made it through this academic year, He is the reason I got such an amazing job that I absolutely love, He is the one who has given me courage to stand up for me when no one else will. Why would I ever doubt that He wouldn’t answer my prayer of helping me find a place that I belong in this city? Nothing happens over night… things take time… and until then… I will always have my amazing puppy at my side and of course the Lover of my Soul, Jesus, at my side.

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UPDATE

So I just pulled my devotional out for today… and man oh man… wow…

 

Keep Walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light- footed on the high peaks; but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling suppress just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Is that not what I was just talking about in terms of things taking time and the pathway being difficult??? ❤

 

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The pain of life

My heart hurts so much right now…

My best friend, Riley, just welcomed her first nephew into the world. They knew it was going to be a complicated birth… they knew from early on that this lil one had a heart problem… they were prepared to have to go immediately into surgery the moment he was born…

And he was born June 26th at 4lbs 11 oz… small because of his heart… but miraculously he didn’t have to go into surgery… it didn’t look like he needed a heart transplant as first thought… they thought that he would be ok… yes his heart had a problem, but it wasn’t as severe as they thought… they thought he would be able to go home at the end of this week…

He is an absolutely beautiful baby… but today they received news that in addition to his heart complication that he has Methylmalonic acidemia disorder… All I really know about it is what I have been able to get off medical websites and such… but from what I have researched… he will not to be on this earth very long… and it breaks my heart for him, his mother, and my best friend…

All I can do is pray for him… and hope that anyone who reads this prayers/ puts good thoughts out into the world for him…

But at least all he knows about life right now is the love of his parents, aunt, and other family members… I guess if the only thing you know about is love then that is enough

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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He speaks to my soul

So my post yesterday wasn’t exactly cheerful… in fact it was pretty depressing… after I wrote it I was so sad.. and felt really lonely… and I had decided to just go to bed.

Well I looked over and once again saw my daily devotional and I thought “there is no way that the devotional today applies to me… it just completely applied to me last time… no way that can happen twice in a row when I’m feeling down…”

But I decided to pick it up anyway and read the devotional for that day… and boy was I ever so wrong… guys there is no doubt in my mind that God is speaking to my soul…

You are My beloved child. I choose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to proposer you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you, to spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.

Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.- Ephesians 1:4

Also read: Proverbs 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 1:13-14

Oh how God soothes my soul with love ❤

 

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Lie of Silence and the Empowerment of Anger

I really dislike anger… I really dislike the emotion… I’ve been up close and personal to what anger can do to a person… and to one’s family… I’ve also known personally what it does to relationships (of the friend variety)… I’ve had things happen… I’ve learned from them… my family still lives in a constant state of anger… since those specific events in my life and the constant vibe’s from my family… I try my hardest to stay away from anger… I don’t like being angry… I like to let it go right away… move on… there is nothing I can do about it…accept it for what it is…

But I am so incredibly angry right now…

My therapist says that anger is healthy and that I actually need to use it as a tool to keep myself protected… to keep my boundaries up so that I can never be hurt like that again… she doesn’t want me to let it fester at all… eventually I need to let it go… but since the anger is so fresh (since late Tuesday night)… I need to utilize it to build my boundaries…

But my anger is sooooooo much right now… I can hardly think about anything else… I don’t like this… If I wasn’t so cold and keen on staying wrapped up in a blanket I could probably run like 10 miles (which is really saying something for me since I can’t even run a mile)… good thing I am not an aggressive person in any way shape or form!

but the thing is it isn’t just anger… it is a hurt like I have never felt before… and I have been hurt A LOT… I can’t describe the pain that I feel… I thought I knew what heartbreak was like before… but I literally can feel my heart breaking… the cruel event that has happened to me…

I’m just so infuriated b/c it is also my fault… I should have known better… I should have realized that certain people just can’t be trusted b/c they will ALWAYS hurt you… but for some reason I’ve just always believed everyone deserves second chances… even if it is there 100th second chance…

But I should have known better… I should have known it would happen… so I’m not only infuriated and hurt about the event… but I am sooooooooo angry at myself…

But I’m trying to learn from this… I’m trying to learn how to build my boundaries and never allow anything to happen to make me feel like this way ever again… but I’m afraid of building those boundaries up to the point that I will never let them down again…

But how do you get over anger like this? Go buy a punching bag?

I need to let it go… I don’t want to end up life my family… I’ve seen that… it is horrible… but I rather feel this anger than just the hurt… because then I don’t think I could get up in the morning…

So then should I let the anger go once the hurt has healed? Because it has to heal… I’m too angry not to make it heal b/c no one should have the power to make someone hurt like this…

urg…

some quotes for thought…

“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.”
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“The best lies are always at least partially true.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton

“A half- truth does more mischief than a whole lie.”
– Ivan Panin

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
– Malcolm X (1925 – 1965)

“I have a right to my anger, and I don’t want anybody telling me I shouldn’t be, that it’s not nice to be, and that something’s wrong with me because I get angry.”
– Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

“It’s important for people to keep in mind that while anger is a feeling that everybody has, aggression is a choice.”
– Carole D. Stovall

“Anger is one of the ways God protects us. Anger is, in fact, a God-given experience. We have been given a divine emotional signal in our heads that tells us when we are getting too near the edge. Like semaphore lights at a dangerous train crossing, anger tells us to pay careful attention.”
– Paul Meier and Robert L. Wise

“Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand…. We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.”
– Julia Cameron

“Anger is a fuel. You need fuel to launch a rocket. But if all you have is fuel without any complex internal mechanism directing it, you don’t have a rocket. You have a bomb.”
– Gil Scwartz

“Anger is not a sinful emotion. But how we act when we are angry may well be a sin.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

“Anger is our reaction to the violation of our boundaries.”
– Kathleen Dowling singh

“At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that your misery has been created by another person. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you may realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that your caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Slow reader…

Ok… so I am being a terribly slow reader at reading Captivating… I just keep getting distracted… I seriously think I have ADD… seriously thought process in my brain:

“This book Captivating is so great. I can’t wait to learn from it all and finish it!”
“I also can’t wait to finish that pizza in the fridge”
“Speaking of pizza, I can’t forget to check on my meals on chefville”
“Oh, they have a new game now called Coasterville I wonder whats that about”
“Hmmm, I wonder how Marlene’s job at disney is going these days”
“I miss that girl… oh that day I set our apartment on fire”
“Speaking of fire… what is that smell”
“Ack! The pizza is burning!!! Fire!!!”

Of course it is much funnier in my head… but oh well… what can one do about that…

But anyway… back to Captivating… I came across another part that really spoke to me… especially about my current life difficulties with figuring out what I should be doing with my life path….

Quick word of warning this is a long quote… but I think I need to include all of it so y’all can get more of the meaning…

“Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems, unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul- and ours- that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. IN love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

‘Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;she will look for them but not find them.’ (Hos. 2:6-7)

Jesus has to thwart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling, our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh we might turn to him for our ‘salvation,’ for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. He’ll make what once was a great job miserable, if it was her career that she found shelter. He’ll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our ‘way of life’ which is not life at all.

[the authors then proceed to tell a story of a woman named susan who had a horrible abusive child hood and when life became hard she went into a defensive posture… she needed to learn how to be vulnerable once again… the woman then writes:] ‘Every day I must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be my God, my Strength, and my Defender. He told me that I didn’t need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, he is my Defender and Advocate Would I let him be that for me? I said yes. There was a huge weight lifted off that I can’t fully explain'” (Eldredge and Eldredge 2005 89-90).

I have used my current career path as a way to find life ‘on my own terms.’ From late high school into the beginning of college… I had my heart set on being a missionary… actually I’ve wanted to a missionary since kindergarten… or at least pictures of a board in my kindergarten class room that had our names next to what we wanted to be when we grow up tells me so.

But I was also focused on making my family happy.. sadly not God… but my family… so I went the path they thought I would enjoy the most… the path that they basically told me to do… it was also the only way I could prove to my family that I was smart.. they only believed you were smart if you were in a math or science… so I had to get straight As to prove that a social science could be included in that… my main concern was and still is “I don’t want to fail my family or my life”… and I never think about “I don’t want to fail God”… but that is what I should be thinking… when I die, all i want to hear is God tell me “Well done, dear one”… but how can I if I don’t know if I am on the path I should be on?

I usually characterize the end of my second year of college (which I did in three years) as the time when my OCD really started acting up in my non child hood life… but in reality it was the summer between my first and second year… that was when the Pure obsessions began and I began obsessing over obsessing…

I don’t remember much except for the fact that I was taking two summer courses, I had to drive to get to my summer courses over a bridge (major OCD trigger), and I was having a quarter life crisis of what to do with my life.

I had started to realize that the field of social science that I was in was not for me… but I didn’t know what else to do with my life… all I knew was that I loved community service so the logical thing for me to look into would be Social work… I spent the summer refining my application to the social work school at my college and sent it in… I got in… but the week that classes began I started obsessing that I was destroying my life by not going full force into the social science that I had chosen… my advisor in the social work school was really getting annoyed with me b/c in the week of add/drop I probably added and dropped my courses three times before I finally just told her that I couldn’t do it.

What scared me was that I was ruining my life… then as my OCD slowly progressed… academia is what I began to hide within so that people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me… I could hide my perfectionism within it because who didn’t want to get all As to get into the best grad programs? It steadily got worse as I began to give things up that I loved (such as being Director of Community Service for a program I was part of and spending time with friends) in order to feed into the perfectionism because I was terrified of failing… the only way I could defend myself from failing was to put ALL my time and effort into academia… I felt alone… I had to defend myself… I had to protect myself… and then as my OCD got even worse (hard to imagine lol) academia became my prison… the place I remained so that I could somehow have a small impact on the world but remain apart from everyone else… it was my way of defending everyone else from me (because I believed I was such a horrible person)…. it was my way of controlling the world and me.

But what this passage brought to light to me was… first of all… I am not my defender! My only defender is God… no matter where I try to find my salvation… whether it be in academia… or in a relationship that I thought would save me from myself… I cannot obtain it unless I go through God. I also cannot control anything (something I have a very hard time accepting lol).

I need to turn to God to save me… save me from this fear of failure… this fear of my obsessional thoughts… this fear of ruining my life and others… My life is really miserable a lot of the time… I keep turning to God and for a brief moment I am with Him and everything is ok… but the moment I get my fill I leave thinking I can live on my own without him… but I can’t… I need Him all the time… every moment…

I need to follow in God’s path.

But then I keep thinking… maybe I’m just getting cold feet about academia… maybe this is actually a trial… and I am supposed to remain in academia and it is just Satan trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be here… but I keep looking at all the evidence…

(1) The number one reason most people are in the field that I am in is because of the fieldwork… everyone loves it… I hate it… I absolutely hate it… there are some aspects about it I LOVE… but those aspects are the secondary aspects that surround the main field work…. the main reason for doing the work and the actually doing of the work we are supposed to be doing… I hate… it is PURE misery to me… and I have done field work MANY MANY times with the same results every time…

(2) I hate the in school portion… I constantly hate having to prove my worthiness to my professors just for a paper with an A on it..

(3) I hate academic conferences… I know most people love the drinking part the most (I don’t drink so… yea).. but people are usually pretty interested in the things being presented… i hate it… I hate sitting there having to listen to someone talk for 15 minutes… my thoughts are constantly “can this be over already?”

(4) I hate obsessing over doing work and never allowing myself to do anything else because I haven’t finished my work

…..

You would think that all of those are pretty big red flags… but I do love to teach the material, I do sometimes like research (it really depends on the topic… and then I only like doing the research portion… I hate the writing it up portion), I like that I get As…

but really… if that is all… why pour the one life I get into this??

My friend Jodie recently told me that after a long discussion with her mother that she is quitting her job. She dislikes it. She isn’t sure what she wants to do right now… she had her heart set on med school but didn’t get in the first round… but she knows that her job is making her into a person she really doesn’t like… so even though she makes great money… she is going to quit… and she is 5 years older than I am… part of me is afraid to quit because I fear it will put me behind… but if she can quit and be ok with it at 27… then I should be able to quit at 23 and be ok with it…

I wish I was as brave as Jodie… I hate what academia does to me… This is my 6th year in academia (3 years undergrad, 2 years MA, 1st year PhD)… out of all those years… my favorite is my first year of college (b/c well it was my first year away from home!) and then the first year of my MA program…

Thats what keeps getting me in trying to determine whether I should quit or not… I had a great first year in my MA program… yea I was a basket case the majority of the time… but I had an amazing group of friends… but just because I made the wrong decision in going into academia doesn’t mean that God abandoned me and wouldn’t provide me with a great group of friends… I keep trying to think of the material we learned… did I like it? honestly? yea I kind of did… I was still passionate then about what I do… but I was also new to my area of specialization and was getting to know the information…

urg… that one year is what is throwing me off…

I just don’t know…

I just wish I knew how to hear God’s voice better… people keep saying He will lead you in the path He wants you to go… but honestly… I have NO idea what that path is… I’m good at what I do… look at my transcripts and it will show you… I got a 4.0 in undergrad… 3.9 in my MA (two freaking A minuses!– and lets not forget I got diagnosed with severe OCD during my second year of my MA), and I got all As last semester… but am I good at it because I am controlling that aspect and forcing myself? If I was to let God control would I still be here? Or would I be elsewhere?

Urg.. I don’t know… I thought when writing this post I had a clarifying moment of “Academia sucks! I need a new life path!” but now… i’m just as confused as always…

Sigh… well at least that is one thing I don’t fail at… confusion… I bet I am the best out there at being confused… 😉

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My heart hurts… but I’ll be ok…

I seem to only write on here when I am really upset…

So dear cyber world please know that my life is actually pretty freaking awesome… It is not only the heartache that I talk about on here.

I have so many things to be thankful for…
(1) I have an amazing puppy who I love so much
(2) I have an amazing roommate who is always there for me no matter how many times I come home crying.
(3) I four of the most amazing people in the world as my best friends.
(4) I’m getting a great education.
(5) I have an apartment that I really can’t afford but have amazing parents who are helping me.
(6) I will have the ability to love again… eventually…
(7) I have a God who has claimed me as His and will love me until the end of time.

So yes… my heart hurts… horribly… but I’ll get through this.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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