I honestly believe… that if I were to disappear no one would notice or care.
I’ve actually spent much of my life trying to be invisible. I much rather be behind the scenes than the center of attention.
I even hate having my picture taken. I use to account for that in terms of not being photogenic (because I really am not. my mirror and my camera have TWO TOTALLY different ideas of the way I look). But honestly, I’ve come to realize that I rather my presence at events not be documented. It’s not like anyone would remember me anyways. I’m not worthy of remembrance.
I want to be visible. I want people to see me. To love me. To want me. To need me.
But I am so scared that I’ve spent so much of my life being invisible, wanting to be invisible, that I really am.
There were people who I use to talk to a lot last year, but then last semester happened… life seemed to continue extremely well without me. My absence was never really felt.
Maybe life would be better for all if I continued to stay invisible. It seems like in this case, I wouldn’t be hurting anyone except me. And since my OCD makes me terrified of accidentally hurting others (emotionally, physically, intellectually, etc), maybe it is the best route. Just to hurt myself by never truly feeling needed.
I want to be visible, but maybe it is best for my life if I stay invisible.