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(In)visible

I honestly believe… that if I were to disappear no one would notice or care.

I’ve actually spent much of my life trying to be invisible. I much rather be behind the scenes than the center of attention.

I even hate having my picture taken. I use to account for that in terms of not being photogenic (because I really am not. my mirror and my camera have TWO TOTALLY different ideas of the way I look). But honestly, I’ve come to realize that I rather my presence at events not be documented. It’s not like anyone would remember me anyways. I’m not worthy of remembrance.

I want to be visible. I want people to see me. To love me. To want me. To need me.

But I am so scared that I’ve spent so much of my life being invisible, wanting to be invisible, that I really am.

There were people who I use to talk to a lot last year, but then last semester happened… life seemed to continue extremely well without me. My absence was never really felt.

Maybe life would be better for all if I continued to stay invisible. It seems like in this case, I wouldn’t be hurting anyone except me. And since my OCD makes me terrified of accidentally hurting others (emotionally, physically, intellectually, etc), maybe it is the best route. Just to hurt myself by never truly feeling needed.

I want to be visible, but maybe it is best for my life if I stay invisible.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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(un)wanted

….

I feel so depressed. As of right now I am having a hard time expressing myself. I don’t know where to begin… I’ll share some texts between my best friend (K) and me.

me: Gosh. I’m so depressed that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep.

K: How did that hit so fast?

me: I hung out with a few friends today… and every time I do, it reminds me of the person I could never be, the person I so ardently want to be, and how completely and utterly alone I feel.

K: ah. But your making steps to be that person. And that is part of the person you already are. You aren’t alone. This, mind game will make you feel that way. But you aren’t. Really.

me: But am i? I need a new life. But I so badly want to not be in a liminil zone anymore… I want to be somewhere that I can afford to make roots without feeling rejected by others and myself b/c I’m never anywhere long enough… I’m tired of wandering but if I’m not then I don’t know who I am… but I guess I don’t know who that is anyway..whoever I am… I don’t like her. I want to feel wanted…But I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence… that is how it was last semester when I became a recluse… don’t worry I’m not suicidal…I just don’t understand the point of my life.

K: You don’t have a point you can see yet. But your life matters.

….

I can be in a room with several people I know care about me, but I feel so… alone…unwanted..unnecessary…

Even if people loved me… I don’t feel worthy of love…

Maybe life would just be easier if I stayed a recluse. That way.. I wouldn’t get my hopes up that I’m wanted by friends, family, a potential partner.

I am so tired of hoping and having that hope being crushed…

But how could anyone ever want me… if I don’t want myself?

 
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Posted by on April 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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