So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.
The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.
It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.
*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?
Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.
I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).
I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”
So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.
It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.
I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.
His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.
He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.
This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.
I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.
It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?
Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.
For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”
I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…
So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…
Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.
At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.
As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.
He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.
To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?
And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.
I was so so so so stupid.
The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.
I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.
I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?