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Stupidity Part 2

So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.

The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.

It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.

*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?

Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.

I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).

I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”

So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.

It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.

I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.

His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.

He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.

This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.

I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.

It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?

Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.

For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”

I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…

So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…

Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.

At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.

As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.

He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.

To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?

And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.

I was so so so so stupid.

The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.

I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.

I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Free Time

So now that I’m a real person (you know someone with a real paying job… even if it isn’t that much money lol)… I find that beyond 9 to 5pm Monday through Friday… I have absolutely NOTHING to do… I’m not sure what to do with myself…

I love reading and watching movies… but I find that they don’t have the same allure as they did when I was procrastinating.. when I was in school reading or watching a movie was like a tiny rebellion in me… “No! I refuse to do school work!! So I’m gonna sit on the couch and watch this movie/read this book… and feel guilty but also rebellious about my life!!!! I’m my own person! I can choose not to do school work!” ….but now that that isn’t a part of me… yea I still want to read/watch movies… but it seems to have lost a tiny bit of its spark… is that weird? lol

And when it comes to video games… man I could never feel ok about doing that in academia… I felt like an absolutely horrible person for even thinking about playing a video game… because one can get so engrossed in the story line/ need to beat the bad guy in Donkey Kong that you forget what time it is and what you are supposed to be doing… and a WHOLE DAY goes by when you realize you’ve done no school work… I know I can play now… but a part of me still feels really really guilty doing so… and it actually isn’t a rebellious feeling… but a “I’m wasting my life feeling” that I forced myself to have so that I wouldn’t play during the school year… and I can’t get that feeling to go away! Its so annoying!!

So at the end of the day… I don’t want to read/watch movies/ play video games… so what does that leave me open for? Having friends…

I have a serious lack of friends in Chicago… I don’t lack friends in the emotional sense at all… in fact I’m pretty sure I have too many lol… but geographically the only friend I have is my roommate and a girl from bible study who I will call Marisa.

As I think I mentioned elsewhere… I blame most of this on Fred… he kept me away from having friends, and I always had to be free for him if he all of a sudden decided he had time for me in his life… Once I finally got rid of Fred, I was finally able to make closer friends with the individuals in my cohort… but now that it is summer they are all off doing their fieldwork or visiting family/friends… so they’ve basically left me a lone in Chicago… and then I made fantastic friends with the Ex… but of course talking is at a bare minimum with him right now.

I was hoping now that I had more time I would be able to get more fully involved with bible study… but guess what? yes they seem to have decided to go on a summer break… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

But the moment I think “Whoa is me I lack friends…” I have a friend from the past remind me how awesome they are and what a great relationship we have. For example over the past two weeks I have had friends from WAY out of town come visit. One of those friends was the friend I call Courtney (who I’ve mentioned in a past post) who was my undergraduate roommate and the other was a fantastic friend (who we will call Rose) ย that I met during the worst summer of my life (yea… the OCD going severe summer 2011).

I can’t express to you how much I needed to see my Courtney. She has been going through such a tough time and it has been weighing heavily on my heart. She is just as how I remembered her. There is no one in this world who could ever come close to the amazingness that is Courtney. She is such a strong woman and still yet her vivacious, bubbly, optimistic self. She stayed with me for several days and it was so easy to fall back into our usual talking routine… which is basically talking nonstop lol.

And then Rose came to visit, for a very brief day… but I was so happy to see her. I wouldn’t have survived that summer in Mexico if it wasn’t for her. She is the one who listened to all my freaking-outs and gave me all the reassurance that I needed (although I KNOW I annoyed the crap out of her… I can never mention batteries or cement to her again… two things I was deathly afraid of hahahahahha). Since she was a part of my academic life… it did make me rethink my life choice that I made… but yet it also oddly reaffirmed my decision… Rose is a very down to earth, tells it like it is, normal person, so it was great to know that I could still hang out with her and have fun beyond all my obsessive worries that took over summer 2011.

But still… here I am… geographically alone… with no one to hang out with.

Yesterday after writing my last post though I made a decision. I was going to once again put God at the center of my life, for He is the one I should be relying on to help me through this geographically friendless time. I also realized that my relationship with him seems to have slipped from where it was at. At the climax of the whole Fred thing, I was closer to God than I have ever been. He answered my prayers by sending the Ex and Marissa into my life. I got comfortable though… because I wasn’t having a major crisis in my life anymore… I stopped focusing on that relationship… things didn’t exactly fall apart because of that… but they didn’t go as amazingly as I know they could have gone (except the whole getting a job so quickly) if I had continued to focus on God.

So I made this decision yesterday… and guess what… a prayer has already been answered… guess whose small bible group decided to no longer take a summer break? I know! I’m super excited and its obviously an answered prayer.

But with all this free time… I need to focus on not becoming comfortable and continue striving in my relationship with God. Because if I have learned anything about relationships from the past year its that one person (in this case God) can’t pursue the other individual… they have to pursue each other… my role isn’t idle but very much active.

So I am hopping once I get my relationship with God back on track He will provide me with other avenues to make more relationships (of the friend variety for now… I need a break from guys lol).

Well at least I have a game plan for this Free Time… and I can only see good things coming from it if I keep at it! ๐Ÿ™‚

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Best Friends

I seriously have the best friends in the whole entire world. I seriously may not have been blessed in terms of romantic relationships… but I am extremely EXTREMELY blessed in friendships.

I have four best friends. Like I’m in all seriousness going to be best friends with them forever best friends. They are the family I have chosen for myself. So to make this easier to talk about I shall name them (names I’ve made up not their real names). And they are listed 1-4 with 1 being the one I’ve known the longest and the fourth the one I’ve known the shortest but that does not at all make a difference in our friendship… there is no friendship hierarchy amongst them. I love them all so much :). All of them are from completely different phases of my life but from the time we have met until now they have never “phased out.” They have always been there and will always be there… no matter how stupid and crazy I am at times :P.

1. Riley- I’ve known Riley since the 7th grade… we haven’t always been best friends… in fact we have been sworn enemies on several occasions. But she represents much of my past. She was there for all the awkward phases of growing up and all the emotional roller coaster of the present. I can’t even describe to you why we are best friends…we are completely and utterly totally different people… I’m pretty sure if you saw us together you would be like “They are friends in general?”… but I really think its more of an emotional/spiritual thing…we have very different shells… but very closely linked inward souls… we are very much connected and attuned to each other. Its like when we are together we have our own language and way of being in general… no one can follow any of our conversations (usually just b/c of the sheer history and the speed at which we are talking) and no one can really understand the extreme emotional bond we have.

2. Sarah- (who I have mentioned once when she was getting married) I’ve known since senior year of high school… I love this girl so much… she was the girl who was always there to get me into trouble, but to also get me out of trouble :). Sarah and I were both outcasts in the second high school I attended (her third high school I believe) because we had not lived in that town our whole lives. Our outcastedness originally brought us together, but something much deeper kept us together. While most people think of “yin and yang” when they imagine to opposites together… I’ve always pictured us more as a hurricane (I know weird analogy but stay with me lol). She is the first part that hits someone… she is the extroverted craziness that people are somewhat expecting and are somewhat appealed too… by the time the area hits the eye of the storm they really realize that she isn’t that crazy and think that she is pretty awesome. I’m the other half of the eye of the storm… very calm and gentle… I give people a calming illusion that things aren’t crazy on the other side… but oooo are they wrong… I’m just as crazy if not crazier lol… and people are like “ok can we be done now” at this part of the hurricane b/c they are just tired of the craziness lol.

3. Twin (I really can’t give her a real name… b/c she really is my twin… not biologically but like we are the exact same person)- She represents my undergraduate years… I’m not sure if we actually “knew” each other freshman year but we became best friends our sophomore year. My twin represents the person that I am and the person that I want to be. My Twin is the calmest, gentlest, most intelligent person that I know. We are also scared of all the exact same things, have had extremely similar personal experiences, and say/think/do the exact same thing ALL THE TIME. We are seriously the same person. We are even both in graduate programs (though in different fields). When people tell us we are similar though it makes me feel amazing, because I wish I could be more like her. She is seriously one of the best people on this planet.

4. Tajel- is my most recent best friend, for she represents my graduate school phase. We are also very similar… but I see her as a much more extroverted, funnier, stronger, amazing version of myself. When we are together there is rarely a silent moment… and when it is all loud and fun it is either because we are laughing hysterically at something or complaining most fiercely about something. I would not have ever survived my MA program without her. I also look up to her in so many ways. I wish I could be much more like her as well. She is everything that I could never be (confident, crazy smart, extroverted, loved by all, extremely hilarious, etc) but so desperately want to be.

But anyway… those are very very small condense summaries of my best friends. The most interesting thing about the four is… that I think only two have actually met… Riley and Sarah met the summer after freshman year when I begged Riley to come visit me where my family was living at the time. They all know each other exist but none have actually ever interacted with each other, except a very short time for Riley and Sarah.

I know media has always portrayed that the best friend situation (such as in the sister hood of the traveling pants… or really any TV show you watch that involves teenagers) to be in is a group of very best friends who all know each other… but I actually think my mismatched group is absolutely the best and most amazing.

Every single one of them come from a different phase of my life and represent that phase of my life in a nostalgic way but are very much part of my present and future. Its comforting to have four amazing people always there to support me and actually know WHO I am.

One of the things my OCD freaks out about is “maybe I’m not really me. Maybe I’m just wearing a mask and trying to pretend to be this person.” But having such amazing friends from so many different and consecutive phases of my life allow me to see beyond that OCD thought and see it for its lie. All of my friends have seen me at different times in my life… but I am still the very same person I was when we first met. And if I have changed at all they have seen it in a way that proves to me that I’m not just wearing different masks but it has been personal growth.

With all the personal/ relationship crises I’m going through right now… all four of them have been my rock that I have stood on… even though they don’t know each other, they have without even known it come together and given me a place to rest my head out of the water.

I love them all so much and wouldn’t be here without them. I have much more to say later.. this was just an introduction to my best friends… but I want to talk to you guys about how amazing they have been to me through all the crap I’m going through. But I shall save that for another day.

PS… They seriously are the best people in the whole entire world!! โค … I know that we will all one day be crazy ladies in an old folks home having the best time of our lives… even if I never find “the one” I will never be alone because I will always have them. I have four amazingly strong women to grow old with ๐Ÿ™‚

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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