Monthly Archives: August 2012

Life/ OCD Question

So i know what OCD normally feels like… especially during an episode… as my last post described it is like half my brain is screaming at me.

What about though… haunting thoughts… I’m not really obsessing in an anxiety producing way. More sad producing way.

I feel like I’m too selfish. I feel like I am not a good enough person. Especially today this haunting thought is sticking with me.

Is that OCD or a real thought? I’m not sure… are Intrusive thoughts only the extremely persistent anxiety producing thoughts? Or are they also the haunting thoughts that make me feel so lonely around a ton of friendly people?



Posted by on August 18, 2012 in Uncategorized


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New Therapist!

So at first I was upset.

Structural Violence in our society is not a pretty thing. It causes many people to not be able to access things that they really need.

At the OCD conference I met with someone from a counseling group that SPECIALIZES in OCD and were completely up to date with all the latest in the OCD world. AND they were in the same city as me! I hit off with one of the therapists right off and was really happy about scheduling an appointment with them. I was so excited that there were people who completely and understood everything that I went through and were willing to help me using CBT, ERP, and ACT. They would even go on field trips with me, such as driving with me to help me learn through ERP that driving was ok and other such things.

But then… I called my insurance company. Would they help me pay for this counseling? Of course… but only after I met our $3,000 out of network deductible and then I still had to pay for half of the $300 weekly sessions…

Yea… I’m a grad student… and even with my parents help… I don’t have that kind of money.

I was devastated… I was so excited about being helped by these people.

BUT, God does provide! There is actually a pretty famous Christian counseling service in my city. I met with her at an initial appointment… and I wasn’t quiet sure how I felt about her. She was nice… but she was no specialist in OCD… but of course she told me that she felt confident that she could help me for she had several other patients who she has helped with OCD and other anxiety disorders.

I was thinking about finding another therapist and meeting with them… but I went ahead and went to my second session with her… and well it was AMAZING.

She is having us work through the book Brain Lock together… and at my request in my first session with her she has already started looking into ACT and told me from her research she has done since our first session that she thinks ACT is awesome and she would love to do it with me! So we are going to use another workbook for that. (which also means that I”m the reason that she  is looking into this therapy and may use it on someone else who had no idea about it! And might be able to reach them through ACT when other methods weren’t working! So in a way I’m helping others by being the guinea pig!)

She just seemed so understanding about everything… I was able to reveal all my worries, obsessions, compulsions, and everything else and she completely understood. Also, my OCD when I was little started with religious scrupulosity… and I have always had an underlying religious scrupulosity there… and having  therapist who believes the same things I do… is fantastic! She is really helping me with the things I struggle with, such as “How could God let this happen to me?” “Can a person who has the thoughts that I have still go to Heaven?”

While I’ve ignored my religious scrupulosity for some time now… I really think it is one of my greatest underlying issues of my OCD… I really think that this therapist will really truly be able to help me with this!

So while I am extremely mad about the structural violence in our society and not allowing me to get the help that I really truly need… God provided me another way :). yay!


Posted by on August 17, 2012 in Uncategorized


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Half a Brain

So half of my brain is freaking out, but the other is relatively calm.

Since I’ve gone to therapy, I have been able to distinguish the OCDness of my brain from my normal portion of my brain. A lot of people have talked about how they are actually able to put another identity to that part of their brain, by labeling it as “The OCD Monster” or some name they gave it (such as in a book that I read that named it Oliver… there was actually a really good reason for the name). I’ve never been one to do that. I hear the OCD voice still as my voice and a part of me. But I can separate the two lines of thought. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it makes sense to me.

But anyway… right now half of my brain in screaming at me. Freaking out about something, but the other half is relatively calm and knows that it isn’t a big deal. It is giving me quite a headache.

I have the cutest puppy in the world. I love her to death. She is also one giant ERP for me… since well dogs are just a bundle of contamination when they go out into the world, especially the city. I’ve been doing pretty good with that part… I mean I still freak out every once in a while that she is going to get something on her that will kill her or my roommate or a resident in my building… but those freak outs have been mild.

Well… my freak out right now is pretty darn not mild. My puppy just threw up on my fuzzy carpet. So things that half my brain in currently yelling at me:

(1) Omg there is throw up on my carpet and no matter what I do… since it is a fuzzy carpet its never going to completely come off… there are going to be clumps that just stick to it. And there will forever be throw up on my carpet.

(2) My puppy will either get sick again from this throw up that is still on my carpet or I’m gonna get some on me and then accidentally spread it to my roommate who will then get sick from the throw up.

(3) I had to use a cleaning product to attempt to clean my carpet… and well its a cleaning product! What if I let my puppy touch the carpet prior to it being completely dry and she gets sicks and possibly dies from the cleaning product (this voice will not listen to the other part of my brain that is telling it that I am in fact using an all natural cleaning product which is safe to use around dogs).

(4) What if I didn’t move her toys far enough from spraying the cleaning product and she is going to chew on a toy and then get sick and possibly die from the cleaning product.

(5) What if one of the million times I washed my hands… I didn’t do it good enough or accidentally turned the facet on with a contaminated hand? Am I going to spread these germs to my puppy, roommate, and other residents of my buildings? Especially since I had to go to the garbage shoot to throw the trash bag of paper towels I used to clean it away??

(6) Omg… what if I can’t handle having my puppy here. What if she ends up getting sick or dies? What if I am not caring for her well enough? Should I send her back to my parents??? Is that what is better for her in the long run? Especially since they have a puppy she can play with???

(7) Omg… I’m going to fail my life…


Urg…. so half of my brain is screaming all of the above… but the other half is pretty calm… thankfully the calm half is the half that controls my body pretty much physically… so while I have had to do a few cleaning compulsions, my body isn’t physically freak out (no shaking or throwing up).

I just got off the phone with my mom… who told me to take an old toothbrush to the carpet to clean it better…. while most OCDers might like this idea… I don’t… b/c it is just going to send me into another spiral of freaking out about cleanliness of everything I come into contact with during this procedure and the possible poisoning of all those near me by the use of a cleaning product (even though it is all natural!!).

Urg… I want to stop this… writing it out really hasn’t made me feel much better about it…

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Posted by on August 13, 2012 in Uncategorized


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The Future

So the future as come! I’m finally all settled in my new abode in a very large city (where I know no one but my roommate and my puppy) where I will be going into a PhD program for the next 7 years.

Not gonna lie… I’m pretty scared… My parents just left me this morning… I’ve been relying on them all summer… I hope I’m strong enough to live on my own without major OCD freak outs… I’ve had to call them like 7 times today to ask for reassurance about various things… but I think that is pretty good for my first day by myself, since the beginning of the summer.

I have meetings beginning this coming week with various professors and such. Then more meetings the next week. Then classes start the following week.

I was supposed to spend this summer studying. Catching up on the year that I lost due to OCD… but did I? nope… sigh… well at least it was a relaxing summer.

But all of this is making me think about the future even more. Am I ever going to be able to find a life outside of academia?

Am I ever going to be able to catch up with all my friends on Facebook who are also in their early 20s who are already married AND now having babies???

Am I missing out on the very important part of life?

But then again… I’m not sure if my OCD will ever allow for me to have that… a family of my own… I dream of it… but in reality I don’t think it can happen even if I was able to make it happen.


Off to bed…


Posted by on August 10, 2012 in Uncategorized


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