So half of my brain is freaking out, but the other is relatively calm.
Since I’ve gone to therapy, I have been able to distinguish the OCDness of my brain from my normal portion of my brain. A lot of people have talked about how they are actually able to put another identity to that part of their brain, by labeling it as “The OCD Monster” or some name they gave it (such as in a book that I read that named it Oliver… there was actually a really good reason for the name). I’ve never been one to do that. I hear the OCD voice still as my voice and a part of me. But I can separate the two lines of thought. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it makes sense to me.
But anyway… right now half of my brain in screaming at me. Freaking out about something, but the other half is relatively calm and knows that it isn’t a big deal. It is giving me quite a headache.
I have the cutest puppy in the world. I love her to death. She is also one giant ERP for me… since well dogs are just a bundle of contamination when they go out into the world, especially the city. I’ve been doing pretty good with that part… I mean I still freak out every once in a while that she is going to get something on her that will kill her or my roommate or a resident in my building… but those freak outs have been mild.
Well… my freak out right now is pretty darn not mild. My puppy just threw up on my fuzzy carpet. So things that half my brain in currently yelling at me:
(1) Omg there is throw up on my carpet and no matter what I do… since it is a fuzzy carpet its never going to completely come off… there are going to be clumps that just stick to it. And there will forever be throw up on my carpet.
(2) My puppy will either get sick again from this throw up that is still on my carpet or I’m gonna get some on me and then accidentally spread it to my roommate who will then get sick from the throw up.
(3) I had to use a cleaning product to attempt to clean my carpet… and well its a cleaning product! What if I let my puppy touch the carpet prior to it being completely dry and she gets sicks and possibly dies from the cleaning product (this voice will not listen to the other part of my brain that is telling it that I am in fact using an all natural cleaning product which is safe to use around dogs).
(4) What if I didn’t move her toys far enough from spraying the cleaning product and she is going to chew on a toy and then get sick and possibly die from the cleaning product.
(5) What if one of the million times I washed my hands… I didn’t do it good enough or accidentally turned the facet on with a contaminated hand? Am I going to spread these germs to my puppy, roommate, and other residents of my buildings? Especially since I had to go to the garbage shoot to throw the trash bag of paper towels I used to clean it away??
(6) Omg… what if I can’t handle having my puppy here. What if she ends up getting sick or dies? What if I am not caring for her well enough? Should I send her back to my parents??? Is that what is better for her in the long run? Especially since they have a puppy she can play with???
(7) Omg… I’m going to fail my life…
Urg…. so half of my brain is screaming all of the above… but the other half is pretty calm… thankfully the calm half is the half that controls my body pretty much physically… so while I have had to do a few cleaning compulsions, my body isn’t physically freak out (no shaking or throwing up).
I just got off the phone with my mom… who told me to take an old toothbrush to the carpet to clean it better…. while most OCDers might like this idea… I don’t… b/c it is just going to send me into another spiral of freaking out about cleanliness of everything I come into contact with during this procedure and the possible poisoning of all those near me by the use of a cleaning product (even though it is all natural!!).
Urg… I want to stop this… writing it out really hasn’t made me feel much better about it…