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Waiting and Broken

31 Jan

In the twilight I sat
Waiting for my hero to be just that…

i know that in this feminist society that I live.. I shouldn’t be waiting for a hero… i can be my own hero and even above that Jesus is my hero…

but still here I find myself waiting… always waiting…

what am I waiting for exactly?

Waiting for myself to have more energy to deal with life.
Waiting to find out what my passions are in order to make my life about them.
Waiting for his apology.
Waiting for him to realize what he did to me.
Waiting to no longer be broken.

Thats what it comes down to I think. My brokenness. And I cant blame that on Fred. I was broken before he met me… he just made other pieces of me that had been spared from being broken to finally meet the same ending as the others…

I’m not as broken as I once was. I find myself randomly piecing myself together… but sometimes… like today… it appears that the glue that i used to piece myself back together has unhinged.

or maybe my resolve to piece myself back together isn’t enough….

I don’t want to remember him anymore… but I dont want to forget him either…I dont want him to forget me… how tragic it would feel if he did…

But how do I make myself no longer broken?

Physically I am broken… I broke my ankle 9 months ago and due to complications with it I broke my other foot three months ago… and apparently the doctors doubt it will ever completely heal and that i will always have a fracture there…

Is that what I should expect for my heart as well? Will it always have a slight break in it? Will it never be whole?

If my body wont heal how am I supposed to expect my heart to heal? Especially when I gave pieces of my heart away willingly.

What am I supposed to do? Just keep waiting until Im healed?

I’ve been told that through exercise that I might be able to get the blood flowing correctly into that part of my foot so that it will eventually heal… but for some reason my doctor wont give me a script for physically therapy… and im terrified to exercise it myself… b/c what if i make it worse than it already is? I’m terrified of re-breaking it…

How does one exercise their heart to make it heal? find things bigger than any person to love would be my answer… but… I can still break my heart that way… what if my OCD gets the best of me and I cant make the difference that I so desperately want to make? Not only would that re-break my heart but I would be more than terrified that it would destroy my heart…

So I continue to find myself.. siting here… broken… just waiting to no longer be broken…sitting in the twilight.. desperatly hoping that is the day on the horizon..waiting for a hero to show me how to heal myself physically and emotionally… but…

I’m alone in the twilight… just…

…waiting.

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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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