– Not the mistakes I have made
❤ Oh what an awesome God I serve ❤
– Not the mistakes I have made
❤ Oh what an awesome God I serve ❤
One of the worst things for an OCDer with contamination issues is getting sick…
While many (if not most) OCDers of this persuasion fear themselves getting sick, I actually do not care if I am sick. What I care about is if I am sick and I get someone else sick.
I have a cold (and me being the melodramatic individual I am… it means that I’m close to death lol). I was terrified to go into work today. I knew there wasn’t much work for me to do (the main boss is out of town), so even though I felt like crap I would be able to do the little work that I needed to do….
But I was still freaking out… many of the people at my work have small kids… What if one of them got sick because I was sick and made their little one sick??? I couldn’t bare the thought of that…
But still I had to go to work, b/c technically I’m not allowed to take any vacation/sick days until after 6 months of being there or risked not getting paid… and with my shopping habit.. I needed to be paid…
So I went to work… It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought… I kept some hand sanitizer near by… and stayed away from the kitchen like the plague lived within it… and maybe washed my hands a little more than twice the time of a normal individual would when sick… but hey… I made it… I survived the day… and I don’t think I made anyone sick because of sickness!
So while I feel completely and utterly icky… and like i’m a living, breathing (oh wait I guess germs are living.. but do they breathe? I dunno), talking (i’m pretty sure they don’t talk lol) germ… today was a small victory…
One small step for my germs… one giant leap to OCD victory
I recently wrote to someone (well actually to Brad when I needed to say my final parting words to him):
“So thank you Brad for everything. Even if you didn’t know that you were [changing my life for the better]. But i guess that’s the great thing about life… You never know when or how you will effect someone’s life for the better 🙂.”
I didn’t think that soon those exact same words would apply to me.
I received this message from a former colleague from where I got my MA. I don’t know her very well… at the most I can say we probably have talked to each other on two other occasions… she was very much my senior in academia to my wide-eyed and awed-at-all-above-me MA student:
Brooke – I know we don’t know each other well; hardly at all. And I know you’ve been having as hard and confusing a year as I have. I wanted to let you know that you inspired me to have the courage to do what I had to do – leave the-school-I-got-my-MA-at-and-she-was-getting-her-PhD All But Dissertation after 8 years.
I had written a pretty lengthy note on facebook to all of my friends about my choice to leave academia and since most of our mutual friends commented on it she must have seen it.
My turmoil and hardships helped someone else through their own turmoil and hardships.
I guess that is the point of why I set up this blog. So I could also help other fellow OCD suffers or academics… but I always knew that if I did help someone it would probably be without my knowledge.
But the fact that someone I know and admire has told me that I inspired them!!! It means so much in the world!! To know that my suffering was not in vain and that I was able to help someone else… someone much more amazing than me!!!
Never did I think when I was writing my long explanation to my friends (I never posted it on here… but I will post it below… with of course a few personal things (like the name of universities and where i live) edited out) that it would help one of them. I just thought I needed to explain myself about why I was leaving something all of them supported me so much in.
So I guess what I said to Brad was true: You never know when or how you will affect someone’s life for the better 🙂
So now that it is really happening, all my past professors,colleagues, fellow cohort members, family and friends who have supported me throughout the years to reach my dreams and to be the best that I could possibly be deserve an explanation.
For those who have only seen tidbits on Facebook and have asked questions that I have avoided answering, I hope to answer your questions now.
I am officially leaving Academia (well technically I’m taking a leave of absence so I can come back if I realize that it is the worse decision of my life lol). This is not a decision that I have come to lightly. It is something that I’ve been really struggling with since my last year at where I got my MA and this past year where I was getting my PhD. I’m not even sure where to begin explaining why I have needed to come to this decision.
As we all know I have been pursuing this field of social science since I was a wide eye freshman at my undergrad institution. It was something I was highly interested in since the third grade, and because of the amazing professors I had at my undergrad institution my passion for it bloomed. I was given amazing opportunities by wonderful professors who saw my want to learn as much as I could. I then go on and list the plethora of amazing opportunities I’ve been involved in.
And somehow I did this all in the three years and with a 4.0 GPA! I could not have done it without the amazing mentorship that I had and the amazing support of friends that were always around me. I know I was crazy and stressed a lot of the time, because I was on a trajectory. And I annoyed many of you with my “Omg I’m going to fail!!!” lol. I had a plan though. I KNEW that I was going to be a professor of this social science. I knew I had to get my MA and PhD and then be on my way to a tenured track position. Never in my mind did I think to deviate from this plan (well except at those 3:30am moments where I realized I wouldn’t be sleeping at all that night to get a project done… but then getting the A the next week would make me forget those moments lol).
And then I went to my MA institution and met some of the most amazing people in the whole world. The friends that I met there became more like family. We were always there supporting each other through the 1,000 page readings every week and the enormous amount of papers that had to be done. I met life long friends there that I will never lose touch with. I had amazing mentorship by two amazing professors and my passion for this particular field of social science continued to grow.
The summer of 2011 though changed my life. I know it sounds dramatic, but it did. I wish I could go into the details, but unfortunately that is not something I can go into detail for the whole entire world on Facebook. [for blog people– this is when my OCD become so severe that I could no longer handle it].
I came back to my grad institution after that summer lost, confused,and unsure of where to go with my life. I knew my plan though… so I kept with it. I continued with my plan to apply for NSF (which I totally didn’t get… but my essays were flawless!), PhD programs, and to try to do the best I could in classes (though at this point it was really difficult).
I was a ghost of the girl that I once was. Life was passing without me really participating at all. I could see the disappointment in my professors’ eyes not understanding the 180 degree turn that I took, and I could see the confusion of my friends who didn’t even know how to approach me.
After a while though with the strength of my family and close friends (who I finally let in… and I am so glad that I did), I began the fight to get myself back. I like to think that I succeed at this fight that I am back to the person that I was. But the truth is… I will never be that person again. I am forever changed. I love the person who I am now, but I do ardently miss who I once was.
But this event, this change, revolutionized my whole out look on life. I can’t go back to pretending that it didn’t happen. I see the world differently now.
I’ve always been extremely passionate about volunteer work and helping those in need (after all I did over 300 hours of community service in undergrad!), but this passion was always put on the back burner for academia. No more though.
I loved academia for the gaining of knowledge. The ability to discover something no one else has. To argue about a point that really had absolutely no effect on society and sound smart doing it! To be able to empower people through the gaining of knowledge.
It was at this last point though that my true passion lay. I wanted to empower people. The empowerment of people through this particular field though…is really only a side effect of what we do. The past two years I’ve discovered how esoteric the field is and the many aspects of academia is. With my new outlook on life though… I can’t sit idly by pouring over esoteric articles. There are people out in the world who are in pain, who don’t see any light in the dark, who haven’t experienced kindness or love. I can’t with my new consciousness not do anything about it and worry more so about getting an A on a paper so that my professors keep thinking that I am smart or fighting with hundreds of other people to get that one grant that I probably won’t get anyway.
That isn’t what I want anymore…
And I can’t express to you how sad that makes me. I almost completely lost myself Summer/Fall 2011… but the one thing I held onto was my plan… my plan to continue my life in academia… now that I’m giving that final piece up, I’m finally completely saying goodbye to the girl I was. This past year at the institution I was pursuing my PhD I tried to get that girl back. I tried my hardest. That is why I came here. To see if I could get that passion back… but I haven’t been happy in what I do at all. I’m just constantly stressed (which causes unhealthy stress eating and sleep patterns lol), unmotivated, not passionate, and not happy. If I was supposed to be the girl I once was… you would think I would be happy… but I’m not at all…
Until now… I can’t express to you how excited I am about my future. I don’t have a concrete plan, but everything in the world is open to me.
I am about to start my new job (yes the one you’ve seen me posting about) here in the city…the moment that I walked into the office I just knew I fit in. There was something about it that made me feel welcomed and wanted. And I felt that my abilities would be put to good use there. And they seemed to feel the connection too since they offered me the job about 20 minutes after I left the second interview I had with them that day.
As of right now, my plan is to work in the real world for a while and then perhaps go back to school but for a MA in Social Work. As I said I’ve always been passionate about helping people and this passion has done nothing but grow over the past two years. I really am interested in working with the homeless population of my city… I feel like I could do a lot of good there.
I don’t care if my name is remembered or if any of my actions are known by the world… I just want to help people turn their lives around…to feel loved… to feel wanted and a part of society… I just want to help people who are struggling in any and every possible way that I can.
I have met some absolutely amazing people here in this city. I’ve been slow to fit in here, but I’m finally finding my place, and I’m so excited to continue my life journey with the current people surrounding me. So it appears that here in this city I stay… for a least a while.
I’m not going to deny that I am scared. I’m terrified. Terrified that I didn’t give myself enough time at the institution I was trying to receive my PhD from, terrified that I’m not going to be happy or succeed anywhere, terrified that I won’t ever find the place that I belong. But knowing that I have all of these amazing people around me, whether they are in this city or far away, makes me feel so incredibly safe. I know that with them, my family, and God I will be able to continue on to this new chapter in my life with my head raised high.
So anyway… I just want to thank everyone who has been there for me. Everyone who has pushed me to succeed, to reach my dreams, and to just be there for me. Especially those individuals who I forced to read various drafts of various papers multiple times… and those who I constantly told I was going to fail and who kept reassuring me that that isn’t something I can physically do lol. And I want to thank those amazing mentors who provided me with so many amazing opportunities and did so much for me to succeed. I love you all and thank you for everything! You mean so much to me and I am soooo incredibly appreciative that you are in my life!
So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.
The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.
It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.
*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?
Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.
I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).
I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”
So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.
It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.
I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.
His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.
He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.
This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.
I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.
It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?
Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.
For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”
I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…
So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…
Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.
At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.
As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.
He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.
To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?
And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.
I was so so so so stupid.
The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.
I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.
I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?
So I’m bored with life. I love work, but when I’m not busy… I have nothing to do… and its rather boring… and for some reason doing absolutely doing nothing all day doesn’t make you have more energy to do fun things after work, it just makes you more exhausted.
But I’ve been trying to be proactive in trying to find things to do. So I have created Operation get My Life Together, which consists of 4 sub- operations.
(1) Sub-operation lose the weight I gained from 3 months of inactivity due to broken ankle… I’m so embarrassed at the weight that I’ve gained due to my inactivity. I guess it makes sense, but I have always been HORRIBLE at the discipline it takes to lose weight… I have though been eating healthier (let us ignore the pizza I ate for lunch today lol), but I need to exercise, which has never been my favorite thing in the world, but I’m still too scared. My ankle still pains me… not as much as it did… in fact some days I only feel pain a couple of times… but I’m too scared to make it worse by running… but I guess slow and steady wins the race and we will get me back up to it and somehow shed these FIFTEEN pounds I’ve gained…
(2) Sub-operation figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life– I’m currently looking into social work programs… in fact there are two specific ones in my city that I am really interested in joining… the problem is though that applications aren’t due for quiet sometime… which is GOOD because I still need to figure out exactly what I want to do (something to do with mental illness)… and I still need to gain the experience that I am in need of, which brings us to number (3)
(3) Sub-operation pick favorite local charity to volunteer with– I have found two charities that I am highly interested in working with and I’ve signed up for the orientations… but the orientations aren’t until August!!!
(4) Sub- operation learn to be social- so this stems from the fact that I skipped that Bible study social and I need to find a way to fit in in Chicago… Out of all my sub operations I think this one has moved forward the most… I met a wonderful person in my building (we will call Suzie) who has a wonderful puppy my puppy loves so we have started to do play dates. She has also invited me to start hanging out with her and her friends once a week. I am extremely excited about this!! And of course again I’m going to try to get back into bible study.
So I have a plan…. and I have been working on all four parts of it.. yet its just soooooo darn slow! I know you can’t rush things… but i feel like I’m in a perpetual game of waiting… I’m waiting for my ankle to heal so that I can more easily loose weight, I’m waiting to begin a new program of study for a new career but I have to go through the application process, I’m waiting to get experience so I can more easily be accepted into programs for said new career… but I’m waiting until they are accepting new volunteers, I’m waiting to find the place that I fit into in Chicago…
I’m just so tired of waiting… I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life… waiting to finish high school so I can go into college… waiting to finish college so that I can get my MA… and so forth… the only time I wasn’t waiting was when I finally made my decision to quit school… I was proactive and actually did something… I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NOW… but I’m too terrified of messing something up…
but things take time and sometimes waiting is the best thing you can do… right?
Urg… I dunno… all I do know is that I am tired of waiting…
I want to be out of a liminal zone and actually living life!!!
So something I’ve been struggling with here in my city is a lack of friends. I just haven’t met with many people that I connect with.
God has answered so many of my prayers, but for some reason I have had a hard time believing that he could help me with this one. Isn’t this something I need to fix myself? I’ve been the one kind of standoff ish… I’m the one who doesn’t like to be in large groups and its hard to find people who prefer one on one time (which is what I love). I need to fix myself.
Yesterday my “social activity” for the week was supposed to meet with my bible study group to watch a movie in the park. I was actually really excited about going, but as the day wore on I was getting really tired and not really in the mood to go out. But still I was going to make myself go. But then when I looked it up it involved much public transit and a very long commute. Normally this wouldn’t stop me from going, but the day before I was stuck on public transit for 1.5 hours due to traffic and was a bit frustrated with it.. and I didn’t want to travel all the way back late at night by myself. I feel safe with where I live, but its A HUGE city and I’m not going to jinks myself. So I didn’t end up going. Which I felt bad about.
But I did decide to take my puppy on a nice long walk. I really wanted to go to a place I hadn’t gone to since before winter. I hadn’t gone sooner, because its a long walk and with my ankle… traveling that far on foot on a path that doesn’t have car access so I can’t call a taxi if I get stuck has scared me. But I finally got the courage to do it.
I had decided though since I was skipping out on a bible study thing that I would have my own bible study and time with God when I got out there. Unfortunately by the time I hobbled out there it was already getting dark so I didn’t get to spend too much time there, but the time that I did spend in God’s Word and my devotional was extremely uplifting. Once again I found God speaking to me through my daily devotional.
I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.
Instead of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.
Ephesians 2:7-8; Psalm 34: 5; Hebrews 3:1
Is this not what I’m struggling with? The idea that I need to fix myself? I mean there is no doubt I have much to work on… my lack of confidence, my fear of being unwanted, my fear of being forgotten, my fear of never fitting in. But I can’t ‘fix’ these things on my own. I shouldn’t be focusing on fixing these things… but I should “fix” my gaze upon God. He has answered SOOOOO MANY of my prayers lately. He has helped me overcome my OCD, He is the reason I made it through this academic year, He is the reason I got such an amazing job that I absolutely love, He is the one who has given me courage to stand up for me when no one else will. Why would I ever doubt that He wouldn’t answer my prayer of helping me find a place that I belong in this city? Nothing happens over night… things take time… and until then… I will always have my amazing puppy at my side and of course the Lover of my Soul, Jesus, at my side.
So I just pulled my devotional out for today… and man oh man… wow…
Keep Walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light- footed on the high peaks; but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling suppress just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.
Is that not what I was just talking about in terms of things taking time and the pathway being difficult??? ❤
Y’all I’ve had several epiphanies between yesterday and today… and I think I understand a lot more about myself and life than I ever have before.
(1) I’m stubborn.
(2) I need to completely let go and give EVERYTHING, including people, to God.
(3) I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.
I provide explanations for each below, but just to help you understand please note that all of them completely tie with my recent (extremely stupid but yet oddly extremely freeing) experience that I blogged about last time.
Point 1- I’m stubborn
Y’all… I have never considered myself stubborn… except in my refusal to quit academia… but that had a lot to do with fear… In fact, because of how I was raised I’m usually the one convincing stubborn people to not be stubborn and see the other sides of situations. But I guess maybe since I’ve always been the voice of reason to the stubborn people that are very much a large part of my life, I never looked at the ways in which I am stubborn.
but I realize now that I am seriously a really stubborn person… this isn’t a bad thing per se… actually it helps me figure things out.. and learn how to channel this stubbornness in more appropriate ways.
The problem is in a particular instance I’m stubborn at believing that some people just aren’t good for me, stubborn at believing that they deserve 100s of second chances, stubborn at refusing to realize how horrible a situation is, stubborn about realizing I can’t change people or control their actions or feelings… no matter how much I want to… which brings us to Point 2
Point 2- I need to completely let go and give everything, including people, to God
I met with my therapist this week and had a heart to heart about what I blogged about last time. She is actually the one who pointed out to me my stubbornness…
I was trying to explain to her everything and how stupid I felt and I told her what I felt like God has been speaking to me throughout this whole entire year about academia, Fred, failed relationships, family difficulties, etc:
Don’t run after what I am trying to protect you from.
I’m not sure if I have every ‘heard’ God’s voice… to be honest I’m not quite sure how that works… but I know in my heart that God has said that to me. And what do I do time and time again? I run after exactly that which God is trying to protect me from bc I think I know better… or I think I’m hearing God wrong… but God has time and time again tried to protect me from the Fred situation… I mean look at the timing of the Ex in my life… how could that not have been heaven-sent?
My therapist told me that I need to pray that God helps me let go of Fred. But then I was scared because I felt like that made me a bad person… if I no longer pray for Fred and pray that he gets on the right path does that make me a bad person? that I only think about myself? But my therapist pointed out to me that that is in fact what I should do… because I need to give Fred to God.
When I became a Christian… what did I do? I gave my whole life to God. I told him “here I don’t want to control my life, I want to live it worshipping you, please take the reins and have me live for you.”
If I am doing that (or attempting lol… but what Christian is ever more in the attempting phase? lol its something we all struggle with because we are human) then I need to give Fred over completely to God. I’m not responsible for Fred, I need to put myself and my relationship with God before Fred. I need to let Fred completely go so that he can be free to reach out to God (if he choose to of course). I can’t be steering Fred in the direction I think he should go (even if I think it is in the direction that God is in). Only God can do that. I need to completely let Fred go and trust my loving wonderful God that Fred will find him. Fred isn’t my responsibility.
While I don’t think the situation I created this past week was “meant to be”… I do think God was able to spin something good off of it… which gets us to Point #3
Point 3- I want to love someone not because they saved me from something but because of who they are.
[From here on out ‘the Ex’ will be referred to as ‘Brad’ (which of course is not his real name). The reason for this change is because I have hopes that one day… and I hope not too far in the future that I can refer to him and think of him more as a true and real “friend” and have that define our relationship than as the romantic relationship we once had.]
One of the reasons I had such strong feelings for Brad was because, as we all know, he was heaven sent. His timing was perfect. He saved me when I could not save myself from Fred. If it was not for Brad, I honestly have no idea where I would be right now.
But the thing is… I should want to love (not romantic love but the love you have for your friends and family) Brad for who he is, not for what he has done for me. I should love Brad for his sense of humor (including the dirty jokes), his intellect, his kindness, his goodness, etc.
Just like I wish to view Brad (hopefully in the near future) as a friend compared to as “the Ex”, I wish to view Brad as completely and utterly separated from Fred. I don’t want to associate Brad as “saving me” from Fred.
I want to associate Brad with being Brad and absolutely nothing more.
Which is how we get to the point that I think God has made a positive spin-off from my stupidity….
this time… I was able to save my self from Fred.
Yes, things didn’t go exactly how I wished in terms of us having this huge heart to heart and finally getting a simple “I’m sorry” from him… but I finally feel like I can let go of him.
I mean I had definitly let go of him since Brad came into my life… but I always had the horrible feelings that led me to contacting Fred this time “I’ve ruined his life. I need to know that he is ok. I can’t have anyone hating me or have any relationship (no matter what kind) end the way that one did” within me. I want to spread love and goodness everywhere… and with the knowledge that I had “ruined his life” (as he told me), it made it difficult to sleep at night… And then when Brad and I broke up these ideas just flared within me b/c maybe something was wrong with me (since Brad was the one who broke up with me) and not Fred. Maybe it was my fault
Having met up with him one more time just reinforced all my realizations that he isn’t good for me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him… except let him go. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he can’t be in my life even just as a friend. I’ve come to realize I should have never been treated the way he treated me. I’ve come to realize it wasn’t my fault. I realize that no matter from what angle you look at it he was horrible to me and there is absolutely no excuse for it. I realize I am worth soooooooo much more.
I realize that I am enough.
I am enough.
Wow… I really can’t say that enough.. I don’t even think I’ve said that before…
I, Brooke Carter, am enough.
I don’t need to be Brooke Carter: attempting savior of Fred, Brooke Carter: indebted to Brad, Brooke Carter: the girl who will do anything for anyone, Brooke Carter: so easily walked on, Brooke Carter: the glue to her family, Brooke Carter: the girl with OCD, Brooke Carter a mess from all the heartache, Brooke Carter: an academic failure… no. I am just Brooke Carter…me…
and yea… I’m still trying to find out exactly who “Brooke” is… but even while trying to do that… I’m enough.
I’m enough to save myself. I don’t have to associate anyone with saving me except for God and me.
Therefore when another situation arises that I need to be saved from, I don’t have to look to Brad or someone else in my life. They can just be who they are… and I can love them for that and nothing more… and I can be my own savior (well of course God is that but you know what i mean).