Monthly Archives: December 2013


So I am about to explain my Christmas… This is going to be very long and also probably pretty confusing because so many factors go into what happened over christmas. You have to have all parts of it in order to understand the whole… Also this is a complete rant so I’ve completely disregarded the importance of grammar lol… so I apologize in advance…

Christmas was… full of family drama as predicted. We were all home this year… well not for christmas exactly but right after.

I had to work Christmas Eve so I left Christmas morning for home. What should have been a max 5 hours trip turned into a twelve hour fiasco of me changing airlines and planes breaking.

But I got home the same time as my middle sister and then my brother arrived soon shortly after that. My eldest sister did not arrive until the next day.

I have good relations with my siblings except my brother. I’ve probably posted about it before… but my family has lots of drama that all started with him being kicked out of the family when i was in high school and he in college.

We had many years of drama surrounding my brother including me being forced by my parents to tell people that my brother was dead, my brother calling his biological father who he never knew ‘daddy’ and refusing to acknowledge my father (who raised him), many horrible fights, lots of yelling, etc. Eventually (like many years… this happened in 10th grade and I never got a formal apology from my brother until 5.5 years later) he said he was gonna try to be a part of our lives again.

I told him I forgave him… and I thought I had… But I think I always had some underlying difficulties with my brother being in my life… I don’t really like the person my brother had become but anytime he saw us I was always nice and pretended that nothing happened.

I’m not completely sure when or why my feelings for my brother started to turn south. A large part of it is because I don’t think I ever fully forgave him. I blame my brother for destroying my parents which destroyed my family. After my brother went off the deepened, my middle sister shortly left for college, and then my parents started having difficulties with my eldest sister on the same topic of why my brother left our family.

My parents were devastated… My mother… who basically didn’t really like the mothering role by the time she got to me, her fourth child, basically gave up raising me. I was only 15… I needed my mother… but instead what I got was a mother who was curled up on the couch crying when she wasn’t working, crying herself to sleep, talking non stop trash about my brother and eldest sister… and us never leaving the house because she was too depressed.

I remember it being just my mother and I eating dinner at night and the whole entire time instead of being able to talk to my mom about my day and things going on in my life, she would be on the phone with my father (whose job requires him to be away very often) crying over my siblings.

I didn’t agree with my parents when it came to the way they were handling this situation… at all… but I had to keep my opinions to myself… if i voiced a different opinion I would be chewed out…but still they were my parents… they shouldn’t have had to go through this situation. I thought that if my brother cared for them at all he wouldn’t have done what he had done in the way he had done it.

I understand that he and my sister (she actually had memories of the man) needed to seek their biological father. What I didnt understand was why my brother… who was my hero growing up, he was the one person I looked up to for everything and wanted to be exactly like… no longer wanted to be a part of my family. I didnt understand why he told my parents they were no longer his parents… I still don’t.

But anyway… I thought I was over all this… but my brother throughout all of this turned into a very angry, uncaring individual. I fear his anger much more than my mothers which really says something.

When my brother ended up moving close to home, he and my parents began to work through things. But no one thought about the fact that I or my middle sister needed to work things through with him too. My parents automatically assumed that because they were ok with him that I would be too. My parents always thought this way for some reason… while they always wanted a big happy family… my middle sister and I were never really allowed to have good relations with my brother or eldest sister. My eldest sister and I have a great relationship now but its mostly because I kept it from my mother…. in fact my middle sister was chewed out by my mother a year or so ago for confronting my eldest sister about something she was feeling… my mother told her it “wasn’t” her place.

But anyway as my parents became closer with my brother… the more resentment I began to feel.

All of a sudden this individual who started out as my hero and then became the enemy of my parents was suddenly their golden child. The prodigal son (who btw he and my eldest sister were always their favorite before things turned south) had returned!! And while I was all for throwing a party to welcome him back… this party just keeps going on… b/c we can’t do anything that might make him upset b/c he might turn away again… so we have to keep him happy… and the only way to do that is to keep him at the center of attention…

And my brother learning like the rest of my family how to be a pretty good manipulator also manipulates my mother by giving her the attention she desperately wants but not that he really wants to give her. He gives her the attention so that she will babysit his child anytime he wants and for as long as he wants. He also does it to get pity from her and to get her on his side when he thinks his sisters are against him.

It bothers me that my brother does this. It bothers me that he is once again the center of their world… I mean technically he was the center of their world during the fight b/c he was all they could talk about… but to go from such negativity to such positivity is very much like whiplash.

It isnt fair that he is the most loved out of all of us (my eldest sister who was always in competition for this role of most loved and probably was winning for a while is greatly disliked by my mother right now… which I greatly disagree with…my sister never did anything nearly as horrible as what my brother did).

But while I was talking all this over with a friend. I think I discovered something else too… I’ve misplaced much of my anger that i have over my situation with Fred on my mother and my brother.

This goes back to the manipulation thing. My whole life my mother has been an emotionally abusive person. It really isn’t much of her fault… she lived in a physically abusive home… so She has excuse. But anyway anytime she did something horrible to me or my middle sister (such as telling my sister that she no longer wanted to be her mother in like the 5th grade or telling me I wasnt good enough) I would just have to let it roll of my shoulder. There was nothing I could do about it. I just pretended that everything was fine. She emotionally hurt me.. but like she always told me I wasn’t allowed to cry about it. I just had to move on. (Which I’m pretty sure is the reason why I don’t ever cry now)

Thats what I began to do with my brother as well. My brother came back to the family… and although he would get angry at me for a stupid reason or joke in a manner that you weren’t actually sure if he was joking or not or do something horrible to my parents or chew out my eldest sister for something, or manipulate my mother into thinking that all the sisters were keeping him out from joining the family when really he wasn’t reaching out to us at all… I had to keep forgiving him.

And thats what I did with Fred. I have been trained my whole life to be treated not the best of ways but then immediately forgive and forget. After all it wasn’t their fault… there was reason for them being the way they were… I had to be understanding… So I had to be understanding with Fred to… It didn’t matter that he pretended to get in a car wreck to get my attention, or push me to have sex when I didn’t actually want to, or force me to take plan B and then not contact me for two weeks to see if I was ok, or see me for one night and then not hear from him for ages, or pretended to commit suicide, or yell at me when I thought that attempt was real and contacted his parents to find out what hospital he was in, and so much more… oh no… he probably had reason to be that way. I loved my mother and brother… I knew how to love people like this,… so shouldn’t I love him too?

So although the fault is really with me for allowing someone to treat me that way and not telling him to hit the road after week two… I can’t help but blame my mother and brother for conditioning me for that kind of relationship….

I feel like such a horrible person… I resent my brother for the amount of love and attention he gets from my parents (when he clearly isn’t the best of men in the world) and I blame him for something that he doesn’t even know happened in my life.

But anyway… to go back to christmas, It took me twelve hours to get home… I had only slept three hours the night before and I didnt get any chance to nap at all before he, his wife, and baby showed up.

OCD thing… kids scare the crap out of me… and since their child is really little, she scared me even more… so with being tired and battling with OCD I was a bit standoffish… my brother took that as extreme dislike for him… and while he was ‘joking’ and pretending everything was alright… he took the dislike he thought he saw mirrored in me and reflected it right back.

Everything was being dealt with though in the fake way my family loves to act until the next evening (when I still hadn’t gotten the sleep I needed due to various factors) when my mother insisted we play a board game (which may i emphasis has NEVER gone well in my family… someone always ends up crying). The first hour was fun… but then for some reason my brother kept getting “edgier”… apparently he felt like we were all gaining up on him… but we weren’t at all.. we were playing in our sarcastic way that we always play in… like when my brother had to name all 7 continents i told him he was wrong for saying “Australia” when the technical term is Oceania… or when we had to list things that were in a volcano and we refused to give him “frodo” since it was completely fictional and not something that has the possibility to be found in a volcano… then my sister did something that we weren’t completely sure if it was technically right but we gave it to her… and my brother just went off in an angry rage saying it was unfair and that we were all out to get him (even though he was winning).

This then started a huge argument. My mother insisted we put the game up and not wanting to be a part of my brother’s rage I quickly fled the scene…. but then my parents decided to have a “family meeting” to get our feelings out… which we’ve never done and is a terrifying thing to do… b/c a lot of the feelings are due to our parents and we can’t really tell them that without them kicking us out of the house…. but anyway apparently my brother had a lot of resentment against me due to the fact that he called me twice and i didn’t pick up either time (I don’t remember this but it was probably during finals which is why i didn’t want to deal with him… and so therefore he blamed me for us never talking) and then he was upset that i ‘disrespected’ our father once the day before (which long story short i hadnt at all… ) but my mean reply at this point was that our dad knew I hadn’t disrespected him b/c my love for him has never been questioned unlike his has for our father. Which my brother then denied he had never disrespected our father which then made my middle sister (who is very protective over me) intensely yell and then begin to cry that that was a load of bull.

I don’t remember to many of the details of this convo… due to the fact that I was really tired and upset… but apparently we got many of our feelings out… but nothing to change me brothers opinion about anything to do with life. He just sat their with his stubbornness fuming away.

My eldest sister stayed remarkably quiet throughout this whole thing… she told me later that she already felt like she was enough in the dog house that she didnt need to be anymore with my parents.

But anyway… eventually my brother’s wife comes to join the conversation (who was originally invited but she refused) and she is sobbing b/c she thought we had moved passed all this… but the thing is… she and my brother may have moved passed it with my parents… but never with me and my middle sister.

And then from that point on this whole conversation became the brother and his wife show… my mother being all fake trying to make them feel better. OH it doesn’t matter that I still haven’t gotten everything out and I am really upset…oh no I and my feelings don’t matter at all… just my brother’s.

My sisters and I all left the conversation a little bit afterwards feeling the exact same way. Ignored and overlooked for our brother… who learned nothing from the conversation.

My eldest sister then got on the phone with her husband (who had to work so stayed behind at where they lived) to say goodnight and tell him what happened… being protective of his children… he didnt want them there without my sister who was set to leave the next day and leave the kids behind to stay with us for a little while longer… so instead of packing them all up the next day my sister decided to stay with them at the house for the next few days…

When my sister went to go tell our mom… about thirty minutes after the family talk had ended my mom went off on her… saying that if the kids couldn’t stay by themselves they should all just leave the next day. So basically she was passive aggressively kicking them out. My mother who had been such a great mediator (completely fake) during the family talk was now kicking out my eldest sister for the stupidest reason ever… my sister was baffled and didnt know what to do… so she told my mom to think about it.

THe next morning everything was pretty scary…. the house was too quiet, My brother came to me though and did apologize… which i must give him some points for and said that he wants to try to talk more… but my mother… was very curt to everyone… she let my sister stay but kept dropping hints like packing for her and telling her it was going to rain tomorrow so it would be best to drive home today.

In the evening the eventually made up.. but made up in the fake way in which my mother is still holding a lot of resentment towards her.

So I still… I still dont know how to feel about any of this… I need to get over it… but I’ve learned that just dropping things and forgetting them are bad for me… or maybe that is just in regards to the rest of the world and not my family.

Blah.. I love my family… I really do… I just wish things were easier…


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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Uncategorized


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To Fulfill our Humanness

There are many things I wish to say, but I’m not quite sure how to express, to begin, or to articulate it in a coherent manner. The theme though is that of love as represented in the recent exquisitely tragic movies (both which were originally classic books) of Anna Karenina and the Great Gatsby.

What is it about tragic romances that capture our hearts… our souls? Is it because it so closely mirrors that of are own lives? The tragedy that is all around us and the happiness that always evades us?

Ironically we associate love with happiness… goodness… the apex of life… but all that it seems to bring is heartache, tears, and what may feel like the ruin of our hearts. But yet somehow… it is so hard to give up that dream so we grasp for anything that resembles it.

Love is intangible, but yet we reach towards the heavens, trying to defy gravity, ignoring the truth about how high we are and how far we have to go when we fall, trying to grasp the ungraspable with all that is within us. It is only when we fully cling on to that higher branch of the tree (that oddly feels tangible for something that should be intangible) so that it is the only thing that supports us that we realize it isn’t a branch at all, but a snake in disguise… making us fall until we catch ourselves or hit rock bottom….

In Anna Karenina, the love that fueled Anna and Alexis was that of carnal passion. There was an indescribable pull that brought these two people together… but was it “love” in the everlasting sense? If Anna hadn’t married her husband, and she met Alexis… would they have had a marriage that lasted? Their love not only destroyed their lives, but it destroyed their families and all those associated with them… but yet throughout the story you are hoping.. praying… that they would have been able to save their love.. their lives… each other. Why would we root for a couple whose love was nothing but destruction… surely within it there must have been hope… hope that it could have been true.

But then we get to the problem of “hope” in the Great Gatsby. Gatsby believed in nothing but his love for Daisy. It didn’t matter that the past was receding and he couldn’t grasp it, he still hoped with everything in him to rekindle the love they shared in the past. He hoped for love and his dream. And yet with that hope… it only ended in death… His love so pure… was not something that could lead to life… for his love lived in the past and could not thrive in the present.

So if carnal passion nor hope and belief in love can let love thrive… can it truly thrive? How are we to grasp the ungraspable? How are we to reach to the top of the tree without falling to our death? How are we to to see to the success of relationships that may only lead to destruction?

The answer I found was also in Anna Karenina, in the often overlooked side story of Kitty and Levin, which is one of the most underrated romantic stories in literature. It is not a story filled with a lot of carnal passion or extreme acts to show one’s affection but… one of innocence and purity in wanting to find one person to share their life with and give them their all.

I think that is the point of Kitty and Levin’s side story… it is to show the contrast. The carnal passion filled romance of Alexis and Anna brought only destruction, sorrow, and eventual death, but the love and romantic passion of Kitty and Levin created life.

Even when Levin thought all hope was lost and that Kitty did not love him… he continued on with his life. He did not fade away into the wind when his hope left him. He sought for understanding and reason. At points he may have stumbled and lost some hope, but he continued on… that is what is important… he brushed himself off and continued on walking through life… and when he was ready he was able to once again open the door… and his love, Kitty, came running to him.

At the end of the movie, he comes to understand that the whole time… he lived for love… and that is what kept him going… for the majority of time it was not for romantic love… but all the different forms that love can take: for his people, for his land, for his brother… and it is what gave him satisfaction in his life… it was not for reason that he lived… it was not for hope that he lived… it was not for carnal passion that he lived… but it was for love… in all its forms… for all of life.

In reference to romantic love though… Levin gives a small speech that made me completely love him:

An impure is not love to me. To admire another man’s wife is a pleasant thing but sensual desire indulged for its own sake is greed. And the misuse of something sacred was given to us so that we may choose the one person with whom to fulfill our humanness. Otherwise, we might as well be cattle.

He defines love as choosing “one person with whom to fulfill our humanness.”

Love is not all about that one person, or him, but it is an intangible decision to live your life out with another. Yet also love cannot be contained to one individual. That is how we fall… love must come from all aspects of life to support you if one branch breaks.

I’m not sure if I will ever find that love… I greatly hope for it… but I don’t want to limit my life by it like Gatsby… I want it to be something that adds on to my already good life… allows me to share my life and the wonders of the world I discover with someone else.

I also don’t want to be limited my life and love to only be about passion. Passion is of course important… but I have had my hand in a passion similar to Anna’s and I never want that it again… it only brought destruction.

Even though we can find redeeming qualities in both love stories… I want my love story to mirror that of Kitty and Levin…

I want to find a pure love like Kitty and Levine’s that creates only goodness and life.

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Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

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Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


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It appears that I haven’t written in quite sometime. Mostly its because I only write when I am upset and well lately I haven’t been allowing myself to feel too much.

This weekend though I felt a lot. A lot of good. A lot of happiness. A lot of sadness. A lot of indescribable loneliness.

But the point is… is that I felt. And I am ever so grateful for that moment.

Life is made up of many moments. How long a “moment” is though differs. They can be practically ephemeral or they can feel devastatingly permanent.

This moment of my life that just ended lasted but a couple of months. I’m so sad to see the moment fade… but just like everything God puts in my life… I’ve learned from it. And I am so joyful that I had this experience and time with such a Godly individual. And now I have this amazing individual that I get to call “my friend.” 🙂

I’ve relearned what it is like to be pursued by someone in a Godly manner. I’ve learned that truly taking the time to learn about someone and their passions leads to a better relationship (whether that be one of romance or of friendship). I’ve learned that I want to be confidently pursued. I’ve learned that I like taking these slowly. And of course I’ve learned more about my flaws in relationships so that I can ensure not to repeat them in another relationship.

Even though I was immensely slow about it… I’ve learned to reopen the door to let someone in. And yet I also learned how to protect my own heart in the process of opening that door. For once I didn’t need the protection of my friends… I was pretty good at protecting myself. A lesson that I need to carry with me when I prepare one day again to open that door.

I just hope that I have the strength to open it again. But time heals all wounds. And the thing is… I don’t see this too much of a wound at all… I’m too grateful to be wounded. I’m too happy to still have a friend, compared to loneliness, to be too sad about it. I’m too appreciative of the time to allow negativity to drift in and stay.

I’ll one day be able to let someone in again.. but in the meantime I have wonderful friends and a loving God who will never leave my side and love me forever :).

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Posted by on December 15, 2013 in Uncategorized


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