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Making what is broken beautiful

kintsukuroi- (n.) (v. phr.)- “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

I am kintsukuroi.

I am stronger than I ever was before. I am more vulnerable than I ever was before. I understand the pain that others can cause you. And I understand the complete and utter joy you can find with others.

These past two years have been really rough for me. Between the OCD and the guy drama some days I don’t know how I get up in the morning. But I always have and I will continue to always will.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am completely different. I can still see glimpses of that girl, but I’ve become something more beautiful, stronger, and more me.

It hurts to see others as broken as I was and for them not to see the potential of beauty that they have. I wish I could repair them with gold myself, but I can’t. Only they can do that.

What was broken is the most beautiful.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My sad sad life…

I’m seriously the most confused individual… I received a sign today about what I should do with my life… Its obviously a sign… but what on earth is it indicating???

So… today… I had a meeting at 11:30am with the grad advisor of my program… thinking about it all week and talking it over today with my therapist I was decided that this was going to be my last semester.

I was completely decided. I knew this was the choice I was going to make. I was scared to death… scared I was making the wrong choice… scared that I would still have to go to the field… scared that they would convince me to stay…

I had an appointment at 10:00am with my therapist to talk it through. We did. My decision was made.

I left for my 11:30am meeting to talk with my advisor. I was going down the steps on the subway… to be honest I was looking down at my phone reading an email… I don’t really know what happened except that I missed a step and fell forward/sideways… I heard a crack…

A kind man going down the stairs stayed with me to ensure I was ok… I wasn’t ok but I was trying to pretend that I was b/c I couldn’t have broken anything… I have never broken a bone in my life… it was just a sprain… I had to get to school for my meeting…a person who works for the subway system heard my fall and asked if I needed the paramedics… I kindly refused… refusing to believe I needed them… continuing down the stairs and getting to a bench… i almost passed out… but I thought it was just bc I had strained myself…

The subway finally came and as I walked onto the subway my vision completely went away… I could still walk but I couldn’t see anymore and I knew I was about to pass out… I almost sat on someone b/c I was just going for where I hoped there was a seat… people realized there was something wrong with me… they asked me if I was ok and where my stop was so they could ensure I got off at the right place…

I got off the subway at school… and I just knew I couldn’t walk anymore… I sat on a bench… called my roommate and told her what had happened… it would be awhile til she could get to me so I decided to get an ambulance… I flagged down a nice looking undergrad boy to go ask a subway personal to call the paramedics… the stranger boy was so kind… and stayed with me until the subway personal came and the paramedics… I wish I would have gotten his name so I could thank him…

but anyway… my first ambulance ride… get taken to the hospital… spend most of the day there… my roommate comes to my aid thankfully… after several xrays and a ct scan… it was determined that I broke my talus (the first foot bone that connects to your long bones)… and that a piece of my bone was sticking 2mm up…

So now… I’m in a non permanent cast until I can get casted on Monday… its going to take 6-8 weeks to heal… I def can’t go to Mexico now considering I was supposed to go in 4 weeks…

But this happened right before I was supposed to quit? Is that saying that I shouldn’t quit and that my prayers are being answered now that I have a legit excuse to not go into the field? Or does it mean I just need to tell my school “Fuck it I’m done” (excuse the language)… b/c I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get to and from school… Its a 30min to 45 min commute that requires lots of walking… and places with no elevators… and I have to walk all over campus… how on earth am I going to do that on crutches??

So obviously… this happened… and this happened for a reason… but what on earth does it mean?????? What was the odds that the first time I ever broke a bone would be the day I was going to change my life??? Its so hilariously sad… but I don’t know what it means!!!!!

My life seriously needs to be a comedic drama…

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Broken Objects

I was broken once… I don’t think I am broken anymore. I mean I have my ups and downs just like anyone else… but my soul isn’t broken anymore… I feel like a whole person.

Because I’ve been there… I’ve been broken… I’ve been in spots where I never thought that I could live again, let alone be happy… I want to help others who are in that spot… for them to realize that they can be whole again… its just a process that you yourself have to be fully committed to.

Yes, I could not have been whole again if it wasn’t for the wonderful people who were and are around me, loving me, supporting me, just being there for me. But in the end… no matter what they did for me in the end I had to fix me.

My friends were able to put bandaids on my wounds and make some spots not hurt anymore… but it was like I was a leaking bucket… No matter how much they tried to fix me and no matter how much water and love they poured into me… I just kept leaking and I drained them. There was a hole no one else could see. Only I knew where it was and only I could fix it.

And I did. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But somehow after months and months of being empty… I was once again able to finally feel whole and full.

It is so hard now… when I see someone being in the place where I once was… to not try to constantly fix them… to constantly fill up their bucket. I try SO hard to fill their bucket up… but I keep draining myself out…

It is like on an airplane… you shouldn’t help someone else put their oxygen mask before you put on your own…

Thats what I tried to do. I had my oxygen mask on! but somehow in the process of trying to help the individual they accidentally tore mine off and they still don’t have theirs on! So I am now having to fumble for my oxygen mask and they are panicking and it is making it hard for me to get mine back on and they are still needing oxygen!

My own bucket is emptying out because I was pouring absolutely everything I had into the individual.

I have to separate myself now from the individual. Not just for my own good but for theirs too. I can’t help them if I am empty or oxygenless.

But I need to realize that until that individual can calm down and reach for their own oxygen mask or fix the whole in their bucket that I can’t see…. there is nothing I can do for them. It is so hard to watch helplessly… is it wrong if I completely turn away from them? If they are killing me in the process of killing themselves?

I wish I could help the individual so much. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do, but I can’t save them. They have to save themselves. They have to fix the hole I can’t see… they have to calm down and allow me to put the oxygen mask on them or reach out for it on their own.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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