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Three thoughts for today…

So three entertaining thoughts that characterize my day today…

(1) How is it that I cannot get someone to want to be my boyfriend… but can I get two creepers in one day and three in one week to tell me how pretty I am? Why yes… Yes I can…

(2) I swear that my city’s subway system is like the stair cases of Hogwarts… Every time I get off at a stop, no matter how many times I’ve gotten off at that stop before this time, I always end up somewhere that I don’t expect.

(3) MY TWIN GOT HER FIRST ACCEPTANCE INTO A PHD PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY TWIN!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!

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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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MIA

So… it has been over a month since I last wrote… so much has occurred I don’t even know where to begin

(1) started a PhD program

(2) found an amazing therapist who has really helped me re- conceptualize my OCD.

(3) Fell in love

(4) Got my heart broken.

(5) And neglected tons of homework that I should have been doing.

I’ll write about it all… but I can’t right now… I actually think I might write a prayer… but for now I leave you with this.

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Future

So the future as come! I’m finally all settled in my new abode in a very large city (where I know no one but my roommate and my puppy) where I will be going into a PhD program for the next 7 years.

Not gonna lie… I’m pretty scared… My parents just left me this morning… I’ve been relying on them all summer… I hope I’m strong enough to live on my own without major OCD freak outs… I’ve had to call them like 7 times today to ask for reassurance about various things… but I think that is pretty good for my first day by myself, since the beginning of the summer.

I have meetings beginning this coming week with various professors and such. Then more meetings the next week. Then classes start the following week.

I was supposed to spend this summer studying. Catching up on the year that I lost due to OCD… but did I? nope… sigh… well at least it was a relaxing summer.

But all of this is making me think about the future even more. Am I ever going to be able to find a life outside of academia?

Am I ever going to be able to catch up with all my friends on Facebook who are also in their early 20s who are already married AND now having babies???

Am I missing out on the very important part of life?

But then again… I’m not sure if my OCD will ever allow for me to have that… a family of my own… I dream of it… but in reality I don’t think it can happen even if I was able to make it happen.

Blah.

Off to bed…

 
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Posted by on August 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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I have my computer back!

Yay! I’m so excited! I have my computer back up and running! Long story really short I’ve been computerless for a week! It is sad how dependent I am on this technology. lol. I’m so glad to have it back!

But in other news…. I’m bored…

Normally people would think this as well “boring” and who cares if you are “bored.”

But you know what?? I’m ecstatic that I am BORED. I’ve been using this summer to recharge from the past year. I really feared that I wasn’t ever going to recharge… because we all know that I am ALWAYS tired and I’m constantly battling OCD. I’m still tired and battling mild OCD… but I’m BORED. The idea of sitting down and reading books for fun for the rest of my life or playing video games or just sitting around doing nothing no longer excites me.

I’m ready for life to begin again.

I am honestly surprised at myself. I’m ready to try life again.

This couldn’t happen at a better time. I leave for my new place of residence at the end of next week and my PhD program starts in a month.

Maybe I can still make something happen with my life. I feel ready… finally… I’m still not sure if my path in academia is right… but I feel ready to face that situation and my life once again.

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Wanting…

So another school year is currently closing. I turned in my MA thesis on Friday. All I have left is a batch of essays to grade by Tuesday and then Tuesday I receive Finals to grade. And then my semester will be over. My school year will be over. My MA degree will be complete.

I find that once again I am headed to the unknown. It isn’t something that is uncommon for me. This will be my 14th move… or 15th if you count that one time my family just moved to a new house in the same town.

I’m excited for the change. I’m in need of it. I don’t know what it is like not to change. The fact that I am about to go into a PhD program where I have to commit to being somewhere for 5 years scares me! (I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years). But then again for much of that PhD program I will be in and out of the country.

I’m excited to once again be able to recreate myself from scratch. I’m going somewhere new where I know no one. No one will know I have OCD. No one will know that I am really shy. No one will know that I’m lonely.

I can be whoever I want to be.

I’ve always viewed change as a good thing. But I am realizing lately how really it hasn’t been good for me.

After I move somewhere there are very few people who I keep in contact with from my previous location. I mean yes we are Facebook friends. But really is a Facebook friend a “friend”?

As I am starting to pack up and getting ready to go… I’m realizing that there are very few people where I am at right now who I will probably end up saying good bye too. I have always found that the easiest way to leave somewhere is to just go. Tear of the band-aid. Saying Goodbye to people I know I will never see again…what is the point?

I let people go too easily.

To be honest though… I want stability in my life. And I can tell you right now that stability is not something I find in my family. Every time I get off the phone with a family member I wonder if I’ve done something wrong and someone will no longer speak to me.

I want to be wanted.

Just in terms of having friends. I always feel 2nd class to many of my friends. It is often because I am younger than most of the people in my cohort. So many view me as “naive,” but honestly I am not. I find that with many of my friends I’m like the little sister or even a pet.

Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to protect me. Everyone wants to play with me (in terms of making fun of me in a loving way, dying my hair, going to play on swing sets/ video games, random wrestling matches). Yet no one wants their little sister to come out partying with them. Or tell them their deepest secrets. I’m too fragile to hang out with them. I’m too pure and innocent to be able to handle what is in their lives (which is complete and utter crap).

I mean to be honest. I am the youngest of 4. So I do know how to be the younger sister and I am much younger than most of my friends, but still. For once, I want to be first to someone. Even just to a friend.

I know I lost many of the few friends that I did have this year, with my OCD melt down. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I thought I was going crazy and I thought the more I distanced myself the less likely they would be hurt by me (one of my greatest OCD fears). But I was easily replaced. I was/am easily forgotten.

I have also never had a real romantic connection with anyone. As a lover of all Romantic movies this has always been a really depressing aspect of my life. I want to believe true love exists. I want to have it. But for some reason I can never obtain it. I can’t even get someone who isn’t a creeper to give me a second glance. I mean I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I believe I am a nice person and funny.

I’ve been in love with this one specific individual, for a very long time. I finally recently got the guts to let him know. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I just had to do it. So I did. But I shouldn’t have. Because it just makes me realize even more so that I always come in 2nd.

I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be in wanting.

But I’m never good enough. Maybe this go around when I move to my new location, I will create a new me who is good enough. I’ll be someone that someone will want.

Maybe I am just not deserving though…

 
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Posted by on May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Deferring

… I just sent the email about an hour ago… asking the University’s PhD program that I got into if I can defer.

I’m not sure how I feel right now. I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate since sending the email. So I think my body has realized what I’ve done, but mentally it hasn’t registered.

By sending that email, I have completely changed my life.

I mean it was just a question of whether I could or not. But now they know that I have a “medical condition” (that is all that I told them because I don’t want to be judged). Even if they do let me defer… they most likely won’t give me the same funding for next year.

Urg… now I kinda want to throw up all the chocolate I just ate…

Stupid OCD ruining my life… or maybe its just me ruining my life…

I still think this was the right choice though… I’m just too scared to check my email to see if they have responded or not.

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Fight

I don’t know why I am fighting myself on this. I don’t know why I know deep down I am going to end up going to the PhD program. I don’t know why I so ARDENTLY want to not go to a PhD program and find a new path in life. I don’t know why I’m so scared.

All I DO KNOW is that I don’t want to lose myself again.

REASONS TO GO TO PHD PROGRAM

  • I’m academically prepared
  • I have funding
  • A friend from my current location will also be going to a PhD program in the same city.
  • I will get to study what I am more interested in
  • I have breaks during the school year
  • I’ll get a new start
  • There will be new things to do.
  • I’ll be done with my PhD soon

REASONS NOT TO GO TO PHD PROGRAM

  • I’ll get to break out of my academic prison
  • I won’t be stuck in a life and career of criticism, arguing, bickering, etc
  • I won’t be married to academia!
  • I won’t be stuck in a world of books, lectures, and undergrads
  • May find myself outside of PhD program
  • I will have new things to do.
  • If I do… my OCD would NEVER leave me alone
  • If I do… even though I will have breaks… they won’t really be breaks… I’ll either be in the field or freaking out about the work that I need to do

REASONS TO FIND A NEW LIFE PATH

  • I’ll get to find something that brings me joy
  • I can continue finding me
  • I’ll get to break out of my academic prison
  • I’ll have time to have a hobby even if I don’t like the job I get
  • I’ll have a new start… extremely new
  • New things to do
  • When I do have breaks I won’t be freaking out about how much work I have
  • I can teach at a community college if I miss my former academia
  • I’ll have time to do volunteer work

REASONS TO NOT FIND A NEW LIFE PATH

  • I’m scared
  • I’m not good at anything besides academia
  • Parents will be mad
  • If I decide to return to academia it will take longer and may not possibly receive funding again
  • I’ll probably live with my sister and we might kill each other
  • Might ruin my life
  • when I do have breaks from work they won’t be long breaks like they are in academia.

I don’t know about you guys. Let me know what you think. But it seems to me. That the answer is staring me right in the face.

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Answer: I shouldn’t go into the PhD program

What will I really end up doing: I still have no idea

 

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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