So another school year is currently closing. I turned in my MA thesis on Friday. All I have left is a batch of essays to grade by Tuesday and then Tuesday I receive Finals to grade. And then my semester will be over. My school year will be over. My MA degree will be complete.
I find that once again I am headed to the unknown. It isn’t something that is uncommon for me. This will be my 14th move… or 15th if you count that one time my family just moved to a new house in the same town.
I’m excited for the change. I’m in need of it. I don’t know what it is like not to change. The fact that I am about to go into a PhD program where I have to commit to being somewhere for 5 years scares me! (I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years). But then again for much of that PhD program I will be in and out of the country.
I’m excited to once again be able to recreate myself from scratch. I’m going somewhere new where I know no one. No one will know I have OCD. No one will know that I am really shy. No one will know that I’m lonely.
I can be whoever I want to be.
I’ve always viewed change as a good thing. But I am realizing lately how really it hasn’t been good for me.
After I move somewhere there are very few people who I keep in contact with from my previous location. I mean yes we are Facebook friends. But really is a Facebook friend a “friend”?
As I am starting to pack up and getting ready to go… I’m realizing that there are very few people where I am at right now who I will probably end up saying good bye too. I have always found that the easiest way to leave somewhere is to just go. Tear of the band-aid. Saying Goodbye to people I know I will never see again…what is the point?
I let people go too easily.
To be honest though… I want stability in my life. And I can tell you right now that stability is not something I find in my family. Every time I get off the phone with a family member I wonder if I’ve done something wrong and someone will no longer speak to me.
I want to be wanted.
Just in terms of having friends. I always feel 2nd class to many of my friends. It is often because I am younger than most of the people in my cohort. So many view me as “naive,” but honestly I am not. I find that with many of my friends I’m like the little sister or even a pet.
Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to protect me. Everyone wants to play with me (in terms of making fun of me in a loving way, dying my hair, going to play on swing sets/ video games, random wrestling matches). Yet no one wants their little sister to come out partying with them. Or tell them their deepest secrets. I’m too fragile to hang out with them. I’m too pure and innocent to be able to handle what is in their lives (which is complete and utter crap).
I mean to be honest. I am the youngest of 4. So I do know how to be the younger sister and I am much younger than most of my friends, but still. For once, I want to be first to someone. Even just to a friend.
I know I lost many of the few friends that I did have this year, with my OCD melt down. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I thought I was going crazy and I thought the more I distanced myself the less likely they would be hurt by me (one of my greatest OCD fears). But I was easily replaced. I was/am easily forgotten.
I have also never had a real romantic connection with anyone. As a lover of all Romantic movies this has always been a really depressing aspect of my life. I want to believe true love exists. I want to have it. But for some reason I can never obtain it. I can’t even get someone who isn’t a creeper to give me a second glance. I mean I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I believe I am a nice person and funny.
I’ve been in love with this one specific individual, for a very long time. I finally recently got the guts to let him know. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I just had to do it. So I did. But I shouldn’t have. Because it just makes me realize even more so that I always come in 2nd.
I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be in wanting.
But I’m never good enough. Maybe this go around when I move to my new location, I will create a new me who is good enough. I’ll be someone that someone will want.
Maybe I am just not deserving though…