RSS

Tag Archives: OCD

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway…

Frozen.

I don’t know how many times I’ve written in this blog or talked to my friends about feeling “frozen”… having a cold heart.. unable to warm… unable to feel…. but yet there is nothing I want more than to thaw out what is frozen…

I’ve never loved and hated a movie as much as I love and hate the movie Frozen. I’ve been putting off writing about it for a couple months now, because I still don’t know how to articulate how incredibly connected I feel to this movie and how much I hate Disney’s happy ending to this story. But I’m sorry Disney… the happy ending that you created was too unreal. It doesn’t matter that their was magically talking creatures in this movie or the power of an individual to create snow… no the most unrealistic aspect was the end.

… I am Elsa…8208481_6221277_b

Never in my life have I been able to identify with a character to the degree that I identify with Elsa. No I do not have the ability to magically make snow and ice appear, but I too was born with a gift that was misunderstood and became feared.

I’m not sure how presumptuous this makes me, but I have always felt that my greatest gift that I was born with was my ability to care and empathize with all that I meet. My parents have told me that they saw this gift within me even from a young age. I had such a loving heart towards everyone I met.

I don’t know how statically accurate this following statement is, but those who have been diagnosed with OCD  are usually those individuals who care most about others. Today, most of my OCD revolves around my fear of doing something that hurts others (whether physical or emotional), because I care too much.

Because of my “power” to care for others, I “developed” what I’ll call a “side effect”… my OCD… fearing too much for myself and for others. I couldn’t go to bed at night without ensuring I did certain rituals to ensure that I and my family didn’t die in the night… my parents knew there was something wrong with me… but like Elsa’s parents they begged me to hide it.

Elsa- “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know. But it’s only for today.”

That could have been my life’s mantra. I had to conceal… I had to put on a show… so that no one but my family would know their was something wrong with me. And like Elsa… I had to hide my hands… I didn’t wear gloves (that would raise more questions in our society), but I couldn’t reveal my bloody dry hands… I couldn’t let people see my rituals… it would take away from everyone’s view that we had a perfect family.

In fact, growing up I was able to conceal it so well… that except during OCD moments (hand washing, freaking out and doing rituals while going up escalators, freaking out in large buildings (such as churches, movie theaters, and malls), freaking out if I didn’t pet the dog in a certain pattern, freaking out when driving, freaking out about failing, freaking out about not being perfect)… I convinced MYSELF there was nothing wrong with me.

The biggest reminders though would be when my middle sister (who is completely Anna in this situation) would want to “build a snowman” and I would shut the door in her face. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that might make the OCD reveal itself… and it would hurt her sooo deeply.

Anna: Elsa?

Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore, come out the door It’s like you’ve gone away

We used to be best buddies and now were not I wish you would tell me why
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman

Elsa: Go away Anna
Anna: Okayy bye…

Once we got to college the OCD became worse… but my sister was occasionally able to coax me away from my room and build a snowman… but these were rare occurrences….

I can’t tell you the amount of times I thought about running away just like Elsa… how better my life would be… and in fact in some ways I did run away… I ran away to my isolated places… b/c I knew that if I was alone I couldn’t hurt anyone… just like Elsa… she ran away so she wouldn’t hurt anyone…

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

While this song seems so incredibly empowering, it makes my heart break… because this moment of empowerment is all based on the fact that she will be lonely forever.

“The cold never bothered me anyway”= “Being alone never bothered me anyway.”

While she loves her beautiful gift to make beautiful ice and snow, she still hates it… its what keeps her away from others… it is what keeps her separate and different… it is what keeps her alone… I love my gift for caring for others… but I care so much that it sets off my chemical imbalance… so I rather be alone… so I can care for others from afar… so they don’t have to risk anything being near me.

It is like this whole song is her being in awe and amazed at what she can do and using it to convince herself that loneliness won’t be terrible… and that she will be ok… but there isn’t much worse than being completely alone… don’t get me wrong… I need days to be by myself… to recharge… after all I am an introvert… but I know most of my loneliness (especially before I finally started therapy 2.5 years ago) is self inflicted… and I really don’t want to be lonely.

Anna: You don’t have to protect me, I’m not afraid!

Anna:
Please don’t shut me out again,
Please don’t slam the door
You don’t have to keep your distance anymore

‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I finally understand
For the first time in forever,
We can fix this hand in hand

We can head down this mountain together
You don’t have live in fear
‘Cuz for the first time in forever,
I will be right here

Elsa:Anna

Elsa:
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates

Anna: Yeah, but –

Elsa: I know

Elsa:
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free
Just stay away and you’ll be safe from me

Anna (Elsa):
Actually we’re not (What do you mean you’re not?)
I get the feeling you don’t know (What do I not know?)
Arendelle’s in deep, deep, deep, deep snow

Elsa: What?!

Anna: You’ve kind of set off an eternal winter.. everywhere

Elsa: Everywhere?

Anna: Well, it’s okay, you can just unfreeze it

Elsa: No, I can’t, I – I don’t know how!

Anna: Sure you can! I know you can!

Anna (Elsa):
‘Cuz for the first time in forever, (I’m such a fool, I can’t be free)
You don’t have to be afraid (No escape from the storm inside of me)
We can work this out together (I can’t control the curse)
We’ll reverse the storm you’ve made (Anna, please! You’ll only make it worse!)

Don’t panic (There’s so much fear)
We’ll make the sun shine bright (You’re not safe here)
We can face this thing together (No!)
We can change this winter weather
And everything we’ll be – (I can’t!)

Even after others found out about what was wrong with me… they felt like they understood and that they could help me… and to a large degree… I am MUCH better because of the support of all those around me… but this gets to my issue with the unrealistic ending of this movie… there is no escape from the storm inside of me… and I have so much fear… yes my once severe OCD is barely present and mild at its worse now… but I can’t control it… and I fear relapse soooo much… and even with others all around me… leaving my isolation “hand in hand”… it doesn’t make the fear go away.

The end of Frozen… Elsa realized that it was “love” that would melt the snow and ice. It was love that set her free. It was love that made her realize that her “curse” was a “gift”… all of a sudden she was able to melt everything and use her power for fun and good.

I find this so incredibly unrealistic.

Elsa would have still feared her power. Yes… she realized how to control it… but what happens when she is angry or hurt? Will she be able to control it then? She would be afraid… she would still have moments when all she wanted was to isolate herself from others… yes love is powerful… but so is fear… and her fear wouldn’t go away. Yes people now understood what she would go through at times… but what would happen if they made her upset and she accidentally hit someone with ice… like she did to Anna? Now that Anna knows what can happen… still doesn’t mean they won’t get in fights… or Elsa won’t have a “trigger” moment… accidents can still happen… it was an “accident” that froze Anna’s heart… how would Elsa ensure that an accident didn’t happen again?

Everything wouldn’t be perfect… it would still be an uphill battle…

Unless I’m missing something?

Is my battle supposed to be over?

Love conquerers all… and I felt the love from family and friends since “I came out” (so to speak) about my mental illness… but even though all they give to me is love… I still fear myself…

I mean on a day to day basis I usually feel pretty good and love life… but I still need to run up my north mountain and be away. My happily ever after still hasn’t been reached… fear is still present…

I will always hate my frozen heart.. even thought it is what i use to protect others from me and to protect myself… yet I will always want it to be completely melted so that I can care for others the way that I was meant to… the way I was gifted to.

But you know what? The cold… the loneliness… it never bothered me anyway…

…. where is my happy ending? how do I make the fear go away to get it?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Finding my way back to my Hunter

I was thinking a lot today about why I haven’t written in so long. And why those things that I had written over the few months didn’t seem very substantial and were superficial at best.

I think a lot of it goes back to this post I wrote over the summer. I’m staying in the twilight… not pushing myself to move ahead or in a new direction because I feel safe in the twilight.

If I don’t try I don’t have to fear the failure. I don’t have to fear the darkness…

Back at the end of October and the beginning of November things were seeming bright. I felt like that God was pursuing me the way a hunter pursues his prey… slowly coming closer and closer… the twilight was brightening and dawn was coming upon me… and then just when I was getting ready to fully step into the light… fully allowing my self to be enveloped by my Hunter… a twig breaks… and I go running back into my twilight… away from the light… away from God.

And the sad thing is… it wasn’t anything big or monumental that made me run away. In fact its rather silly… I broke my foot. But all that energy that I was using to customize my body to the light suddenly went to the healing of my foot and just trying to get by in life. While I was going to church and bible study regularly… I haven’t gone since I broke my foot.

I wish I didn’t fear leaving the twilight. When I am in the Twilight I can ignore things that make me feel uncomfortable. When I am in the twilight I can pretend that everything is all right. When I am in the twilight I don’t pray as a I should, because it allows me to ignore those things I should be thanking God for, asking God for, and worshiping God for… because in the twilight I know He knows Im in the twilight… and I know He will always love me… even there…

I am just so terrified that if I try to move out of the twilight, I will find myself in the night compared to the day…. But I was reaching the day before the twig snapped… so shouldn’t I easily want to go back to where I was? Allow my Hunter to find me and keep me forever?

Why do I find it so hard? Bible study is tomorrow night… perhaps with taking a baby step and just going… I’ll once again find myself in extremely close proximity with my Hunter and I won’t let a twig scare me away.

I can’t let my fear of the dark keep me away from the light.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Change

Never in my life have I ever changed so much and so drastically in two years… it makes me wonder whether I have actually changed..

Two years ago… my world fell apart… it feels like two years ago was so long ago and yet just yesterday…

but if I am completely honest my world had fallen apart long ago… I just refused to acknowledge it… I’ve been badly plagued with OCD since the summer of 2008… it came and went… and I had a wonderful school year Fall 2010-Spring 2011… but that false sense of happiness fell apart so quickly that summer.

But still just thinking about the past two years… This time two years ago I could barely get out of my bed in fear that I would somehow ending up unintentionally hurting someone.. I was terrified of the world and myself… once the meds started working things got much better… but when I moved to my current city a year ago… I wrote down a list of “wishes” that I had. They are as follows:

  • I wish I was beautiful inside and out.
  • I wish I was loved.
  • I wish that I didn’t want to be invisible.
  • I wish I could make a difference.
  • I wish I could stop hating myself.
  • I wish I could let go.
  • I wish I knew what I wanted.
  • I wish I could love.
  • I wish I understood myself better.
  • I wish I didn’t feel like I failed God.
  • I wish I could feel Jesus’ presence.
  • I wish I could stop mourning over myself.

I really haven’t thought much of these wishes… but its mostly because I’ve been distracted this whole year. Between a PhD program I was hating, someone that I loved who refused to even try to love me, and other guy issues… I forgot my problems.

So because I forgot my problems… did that make them go away? or are they still there? Do I still wish for all of those things? Do I still need to wish for all of those things?

Honestly… I don’t know…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Living/Talking Germ

One of the worst things for an OCDer with contamination issues is getting sick…

While many (if not most) OCDers of this persuasion fear themselves getting sick, I actually do not care if I am sick. What I care about is if I am sick and I get someone else sick.

I have a cold (and me being the melodramatic individual I am… it means that I’m close to death lol). I was terrified to go into work today. I knew there wasn’t much work for me to do (the main boss is out of town), so even though I felt like crap I would be able to do the little work that I needed to do….

But I was still freaking out… many of the people at my work have small kids… What if one of them got sick because I was sick and made their little one sick??? I couldn’t bare the thought of that…

But still I had to go to work, b/c technically I’m not allowed to take any vacation/sick days until after 6 months of being there or risked not getting paid… and with my shopping habit.. I needed to be paid…

So I went to work… It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought… I kept some hand sanitizer near by… and stayed away from the kitchen like the plague lived within it… and maybe washed my hands a little more than twice the time of a normal individual would when sick… but hey… I made it… I survived the day… and I don’t think I made anyone sick because of sickness!

So while I feel completely and utterly icky… and like i’m a living, breathing (oh wait I guess germs are living.. but do they breathe? I dunno), talking (i’m pretty sure they don’t talk lol) germ… today was a small victory…

One small step for my germs… one giant leap to OCD victory

 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Stupidity Part 2

So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.

The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.

It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.

*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?

Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.

I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).

I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”

So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.

It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.

I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.

His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.

He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.

This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.

I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.

It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?

Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.

For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”

I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…

So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…

Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.

At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.

As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.

He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.

To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?

And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.

I was so so so so stupid.

The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.

I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.

I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

He speaks to my soul

So my post yesterday wasn’t exactly cheerful… in fact it was pretty depressing… after I wrote it I was so sad.. and felt really lonely… and I had decided to just go to bed.

Well I looked over and once again saw my daily devotional and I thought “there is no way that the devotional today applies to me… it just completely applied to me last time… no way that can happen twice in a row when I’m feeling down…”

But I decided to pick it up anyway and read the devotional for that day… and boy was I ever so wrong… guys there is no doubt in my mind that God is speaking to my soul…

You are My beloved child. I choose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to proposer you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you, to spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.

Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.- Ephesians 1:4

Also read: Proverbs 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 1:13-14

Oh how God soothes my soul with love ❤

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

A Hero in the Twilight

When I was younger, I always felt that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. I didn’t really have a “hero” per se growing up… but I think my future self, who I knew I would somehow end up being, was my hero…she was the person I aspired to be… but I had no idea how I would get there. Plagued with OCD for much of life and just the general way I was brought up, my life was limited to say the least… but still I aspired to be a great woman making a difference in the world… someone who was truly special inside and out… someone who stories would be written about and other girls would look up to…

When my OCD hit hard in undergrad and then again during my MA that aspiration was wiped out of my mind. Secretly I hoped that I was still someone worthwhile… someone special… but I didn’t believe it beyond a tiny hope…

Now that I can see beyond the OCD… now that I am beyond the OCD… I don’t understand why I am not the woman I wanted to be. I want to be a woman constantly pouring and radiating out love and light… but I don’t know how nor if I can… I’ve seen my share of darkness and I don’t want any part of it… but as I try to live in the light the dark is always there in the back of my mind twirling unwanted thoughts around and attempting to make me fearful of life… I don’t want to live in fear of myself anymore… although my OCD is practically gone… I fear the OCD… I fear that monster returning… I fear that darkness will take over not allowing me to live any life…

So its like right now I’m in the twilight… either its about to be dawn or dusk… and with all my heart I just want it to be the dawn… but I fear that it will be the dusk… so I keep running staying in the twilight so that I don’t have to find out if the sun is rising or setting… so I don’t have to take the risk… but if I loose the gamble, I could loose everything…

I lost myself once before to the darkness of OCD… I honestly could not loose myself again… because I fear that I would never return from the dark…

I live in fear of the bad… I live in fear of the obsessions…I live in fear of the fear….

But I also live in fear of the good… fear that my run in the day will bring the night crashing down around me like it did once before… fear that the day won’t last… the light won’t last…

All I want is love… all I want is life… and every time I try to grasp for something it seems to fall away…

I feel lost… I don’t know who I am right now… I don’t even know who I wish to be… I don’t remember that hero… or maybe I do… but the aspects of her that I most remember require me to not fear and I don’t know how to do that yet.

I lived in fear for so long that I honestly can’t answer what would I do with my life if I didn’t live in fear? I don’t remember my passions anymore… I let them slip away because I didn’t want to allow myself to want for anything I knew I couldn’t have…

So maybe that is what I need to focus on… if I was completely OCD free and I lived with no fears… what would I be?

… I honestly have no idea…

Maybe I should just try to make myself feel content to live in the Twilight… but the problem is that I know I was  made for the day by a loving God. He made the day for ME. I know its where I belong… but I’m too terrified of falling into the night…

My Lord and God, do not abandon me; remember my need, for many evil thoughts and horrid fears trouble my mind and terrify my soul. How shall I pass through them unhurt? How shall I break their power over me? You have said, ‘I will go before you. I will open the gates of prison.’ Do, O Lord, as you have said, and let YOur coming put to flight all wicked thoughts.”

– The Imitation of Christ

 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,