Tag Archives: moving forward

Spinning Arrow

A New Year is once again upon us. We can begin a new… chasing our dreams… pursuing our goals…

I know what I’m running away from… or I guess the better phrasing would be: I know what direction I am not going…

But beyond that?

I don’t know.

I have no other direction…

I’m a spinning arrow and I can’t figure out which way points north….

How am I supposed to know which way to go?

Perhaps it would be better to stay where I am… to stay still… until the arrow stops spinning…or maybe I should just move forward whether I know if it is the correct direction or not…

I just don’t want to move backwards from where I came from.. but if the arrow is constantly spinning how do I ensure I don’t go backwards?

I don’t know.

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Posted by on January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized


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For Brad…

This is a poem type thing that I’ve been working on since right before Brad told me that he couldn’t be friends with me.

They are poetic words from 26 of the 147 pages of Louisa May Alcott’s The Inheritance (my favorite book). There is going to be an art piece associated with it, but since I just finished the poem I wanted to share that first. It doesn’t have a title yet.

Still upon the grass
four days had passed
and she feared

Twilight gathered fast
a whispered repeated request
through her tears.

“Lost loves
are tokens of a heart
a sacrifice in vain.”
she said strained.

The patient strength of the heart
was a source of her sorrow
and a trial of her gentle heart

A dark form in dimly lighted gallery
his look of suffering
and sad earnest eyes
knew a message to give

The secrets of her heart
were not answered
in the secret of his kindness

Within that noble heart
a drop fell unseen
she would pass on alone
through the lonely woods

“My dream is broken,
I fear nothing,
I go softly on
For I have no heart to give.”

She stole softly
but a silent gratitude and unselfish love
never seemed more beautiful.

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Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized


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The Waiting game of my life

So I’m bored with life. I love work, but when I’m not busy… I have nothing to do…  and its rather boring… and for some reason doing absolutely doing nothing all day doesn’t make you have more energy to do fun things after work, it just makes you more exhausted.

But I’ve been trying to be proactive in trying to find things to do. So I have created Operation get My Life Together, which consists of 4 sub- operations.

(1) Sub-operation lose the weight I gained from 3 months of inactivity due to broken ankle… I’m so embarrassed at the weight that I’ve gained due to my inactivity. I guess it makes sense, but I have always been HORRIBLE at the discipline it takes to lose weight… I have though been eating healthier (let us ignore the pizza I ate for lunch today lol), but I need to exercise, which has never been my favorite thing in the world, but I’m still too scared. My ankle still pains me… not as much as it did… in fact some days I only feel pain a couple of times… but I’m too scared to make it worse by running… but I guess slow and steady wins the race and we will get me back up to it and somehow shed these FIFTEEN pounds I’ve gained…

(2) Sub-operation figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life– I’m currently looking into social work programs… in fact there are two specific ones in my city that I am really interested in joining… the problem is though that applications aren’t due for quiet sometime… which is GOOD because I still need to figure out exactly what I want to do (something to do with mental illness)… and I still need to gain the experience that I am in need of, which brings us to number (3)

(3) Sub-operation pick favorite local charity to volunteer with– I have found two charities that I am highly interested in working with and I’ve signed up for the orientations… but the orientations aren’t until August!!!

(4) Sub- operation learn to be social- so this stems from the fact that I skipped that Bible study social and I need to find a way to fit in in Chicago… Out of all my sub operations I think this one has moved forward the most… I met a wonderful person in my building (we will call Suzie) who has a wonderful puppy my puppy loves so we have started to do play dates. She has also invited me to start hanging out with her and her friends once a week. I am extremely excited about this!! And of course again I’m going to try to get back into bible study.

So I have a plan…. and I have been working on all four parts of it.. yet its just soooooo darn slow! I know you can’t rush things… but i feel like I’m in a perpetual game of waiting… I’m waiting for my ankle to heal so that I can more easily loose weight, I’m waiting to begin a new program of study for a new career but I have to go through the application process, I’m waiting to get experience so I can more easily be accepted into programs for said new career… but I’m waiting until they are accepting new volunteers, I’m waiting to find the place that I fit into in Chicago…

I’m just so tired of waiting… I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life… waiting to finish high school so I can go into college… waiting to finish college so that I can get my MA… and so forth… the only time I wasn’t waiting was when I finally made my decision to quit school… I was proactive and actually did something… I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NOW… but I’m too terrified of messing something up…

but things take time and sometimes waiting is the best thing you can do… right?

Urg… I dunno… all I do know is that I am tired of waiting…

I want to be out of a liminal zone and actually living life!!!

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Posted by on July 19, 2013 in Uncategorized


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