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The New Job

So… I kinda sorta really love my new job…

It honestly doesn’t pay much… well technically I’m being paid twice as much as I was being paid as a grad student… but I think it is an absolutely fantastic place to be while I try to figure out my life.

So my new job as I’ve already said in a previous post is as an executive assistant for the founder of a firm here in my city. My boss… is amazing… not just amazing at what he does (even though he is and totally one of the leading people in his field not only the US but the world)… but he is such an adorable old dude and is very much like a grandfather type figure. He is extremely patient with me while I learn completely new vocabulary and this way of life (that is having a life at all lol). And as his executive assistant I basically get to manage his life… which… while I suck at managing my own life… I’m totally amazing at managing other people’s life!!!! lol I’m a control freak! This is what control freaks are best at! hahahahaha

So while I’m sure I will not be spending more than a few years at this job… and its more of a liminal zone than anything… it actually feels more stable than anything else I’ve had in my life.

Yea I have my moments of missing my old academic life. I actually had a friend who I worked in the field with a couple summers ago come and visit this weekend… and I had my moments where I questioned what I was doing… but its undeniable… I am so much more happier than I have been in a really long time… I came home the other day and my roommate turned to me and said “I’ve never seen you this happy. It is so refreshing!”

So overall I’m doing great. Life is pretty wonderful. I love what I do. (AND I’ve only had a very FEW OCD freak outs with this job… I think its because my stress level is down). I’m happy!

But now that I only work 9 to 5…I don’t know what to do with myself… Its rather lonely actually..

I’m not sure how to make friends outside of school… and the summer isn’t helping… all the friends I made at school are either off doing field work or visiting family.. and my bible study group has disbanded for the summer since everyone has various plans…

But anyways…to recap: I’m happy!! WEEEEEEEE 😉

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Posted by on June 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I just want to be happy…

I know why I am so down right now.

I’m trying to write a paper. And anytime I’m stressed, I get pretty depressed and anxious about life.

But honestly… all I want out of life is to be happy.

I’ve been unhappy for so long…. I mean there have been moments when I am happy… but those are just blips on the radar not a reflection of what is really there.

Before the Ex was my Ex… I was truly happy. He made me sooooo incredibly happy. Even when things were bad, I just needed to look to him and I would see joy in the world. And it wasn’t b/c he was a particularly optimistic person… in fact he was rather pessimistic… but often in me trying to correct his pessimistic views I would see the optimism in the world.

I guess I should try to do that too myself. My brain (well the OCD) is very pessimistic… why can’t I just tell it what I told the Ex about how being optimistic is good for your soul and everyone surrounding you?

I’m happy in situations in which I am needed. I thrive in being needed. So when the Ex broke up with me… I was no longer needed. He can easily survive without me… but b/c he was the only one at the time who needed me I couldn’t/can’t survive without him.

That is why it took me so long to finally end things with Fred… because I knew that I needed to be needed… and though he ended up making me feel like I was only needed for sex… I felt that deep down he needed me just to remind him that there is good in the world. He needed me. I had a purpose. But then I realized he was totally manipulating me and using me. Now that the Ex has broken up with me, I keep having thoughts of going back to Fred. I know its a horrible idea… but why do I have these thoughts? It’s because I want to be needed and I hope he would need me the right way (although I highly doubt in a 1,000 years he will realize how to need someone the right way).

But if I thrive on being needed, does that mean I thrive on being used?

No, I don’t think so… because I think in case of need people won’t take more than they are in need of and in terms of being used a person just takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

I don’t feel needed in academia.

I feel needed in my family. But OCD often gets in my way, creating fears… so when I finally feel happy about being needed… OCD takes over and tells me I’m ruining everyone’s life by my need to be happy.

It just some times I feel like if I wasn’t here no one would notice my absence. I could easily be replaced by someone else… such as in the fact that the Ex is already back on the online dating website that we met on looking for a person to replace me… because he doesn’t need me anymore for his happiness. He is completely happy without me.

But should I be content and happy on my own? I unfortunately though don’t think I am programed that way. Even if I had everything in the world, I think I would be miserable if I wasn’t needed.

Also when it comes to the Ex… I think its partly because before I met him I was sooooo incredibly miserable with all the Fred stuff that he just made me go from soooo low to sooooo high and now I’m facing whiplash from that. I’m no where near as down as I was with the Fred stuff. I’m so glad that I’m not. But now that I’ve had a taste of that happiness. I want it back. I NEED it back.

… I just want to be needed.

… I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I miss you…

I miss you so much… but I’m so incredibly glad you were in my life for the short time that you were. The happiness you brought me allows me to be thankful and smile through my wounded heart.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Making what is broken beautiful

kintsukuroi- (n.) (v. phr.)- “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

I am kintsukuroi.

I am stronger than I ever was before. I am more vulnerable than I ever was before. I understand the pain that others can cause you. And I understand the complete and utter joy you can find with others.

These past two years have been really rough for me. Between the OCD and the guy drama some days I don’t know how I get up in the morning. But I always have and I will continue to always will.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am completely different. I can still see glimpses of that girl, but I’ve become something more beautiful, stronger, and more me.

It hurts to see others as broken as I was and for them not to see the potential of beauty that they have. I wish I could repair them with gold myself, but I can’t. Only they can do that.

What was broken is the most beautiful.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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