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Monthly Archives: May 2012

Excuses Excuses

LOL so I hate Excuses, but I really do have legit ones for why I haven’t posted in a while! First off please forgive me for not posting! The reason I haven’t been is because I finished my MA paper, had to grade a TON of tests and essays, had to graduate with my MA, had to pack and move from one side of the country to the middle of the country (for my PhD program) and then go back home (which is a very very long journey from my PhD program). Now I’m about to travel to visit my sister on the completely opposite side of the country. And I also got a maltipoo as a graduation present! She is only 4 months old so I’ve been trying to train her. She is a HUGE ball of energy.. I don’t know how such a tiny thing can have so much energy… so I’ve been chasing her around.

I was all for being a hobo this summer before I started my PhD program, but really I just want to curl up with this book I’m reading and relax.

While I do have much to report, I really don’t have too much time. I need to go to bed b/c I have to get up in 4 hours to catch a flight… and the lack of sleep really doesn’t help the OCD….

But I’m current rereading A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray and there are a couple of lines that really spoke to me and I wish to share as an ending. I hope all of you are having a wonderful evening and I promise to post more regularly soon!

“Yes, I am, as you put it, quite all right.” I could laugh, its such a lie– I am most certainly not all right. But it works as I know it will. That’s what living in their world is- a big lie. An illusion where everyone looks the other way and pretends that nothing unpleasant exists at all, no goblins in the dark, no ghosts of the soul.”

“My heart is a tight fist in my chest while my lips form words I don’t feel.”

“When the music is over, she keeps her head down till she finds her seat again, and I wonder how many times each day she dies a little.”

In reference to the Lady of Shalott- “I think that the lady dies not because she leaves the tower for the outside world, but because she lets herself float through that world, pulled by the current after a dream.”

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Door


 I want to be wanted. If I was to disappear I would want someone to notice.

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Sleep Test!

So this extremely tired academic… after complaining to my doctor and therapist since september 2011… is finally in the process of a sleep test!

Perhaps they can figure out what is wrong with me after all!

I have to say the facility that this is occurring in is extremely nice. Its like a really really nice hotel room… even the bathroom is fantastic.

Of course, trying to fall asleep with tons of wires on you, a pulse thingy on your finger, and a breathing thing up your nose is very difficult to sleep with… but apparently after trying to fall asleep since like 10:30pm I fell asleep around 1am and they woke me up at 8am… now they keep trying to make me take “nap tests”… which really is a waste of time b/c while I LOVE TO NAP… I can’t fall asleep within 15 minutes… you gotta give me at least 30….

Plus I’m a little freaked out this morning bc the first thing they made me do this morning was take a urine sample. Someone with contamination OCD who JUST woke up and has no ability to control anxiety when said person JUST WOKE UP should not be forced to do this so early in the morning.. I washed my hands for like 5 minutes afterwards… oh well…

BUT I really can’t wait until they figure out what is wrong with me.

Apparently there was a special on Good morning america yesterday about people with OCD and sleep disorders and how the two are connected. I’ve tried to find it online, but have been unsuccessful… but if someone knows please let me know!

I met with the sleep doctor on Monday prior to coming into testing yesterday (Tuesday) and he told me that he was pretty certain that I have a sleep disorder without even doing all the testing on me… apparently my tongue is too big for my mouth (such an odd thing) which can make sleeping difficult… also because I have such extremely VIVID dreams and remember them all that is indicative of me waking up at night a lot even though I don’t realize it. This means that I never actually get into the restful stage of sleep.

This also explains my ADD like attention span this year. I have not been able to focus at all and people who lack in a restful night sleep even if they don’t necessarily feel sleepy get ADD qualities (according to my therapist who I met with yesterday).

So apparently its all interconnected. Especially the OCD part… which makes sense… Since my OCD became severe last august it probably triggered this sleeping disorder… fun… fun…

I want to sleep right now but they won’t let me… grrrrr… I have tons of papers I need to grade but I’m too tired to grade them and they won’t let me have caffeine…

I’m not sure if this post made sense bc I am so tired lol

Any of y’all have sleeping issues with your OCD?

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Change and Saying Goodbye

It is funny how people always associate the season of change with fall.. the transition from spring to summer is always more significant for me…

So I’m moving in 11 days.

I’m moving from a place I once loved. A place that holds my best memories. A place that holds my worst memories. The place where I broke into a million pieces and still haven’t really reclaimed. This was the place where I flourished and then wilted.

I get to finally say Goodbye to the place that once held my dreams but now holds much of my despair.

I need change.

I know I’ve talked about this a lot, but I have moved tons of times in my life. So this is really no different then the rest.

Some of the people in my department held a good-bye bash type of thing today. A few of my good friends were there and a few people who I am very well acquainted with. It was the last time I would get to see some of them. Usually Goodbyes are hard for people. But honestly… since OCD ruined my life and my relationships with people… I don’t really have anyone to say Goodbye to. I fell off the face of the planet last semester and never really climbed back up. Not many people missed me when I did fall and while people did notice me climbing back up not many held out a hand to help.

I ruined relationships. I know. I let OCD run my life for a while. But in a way it has helped. Because it has made  saying goodbye to this place and people I once truly cherished, so much easier.

I haven’t felt wanted in a really long time. So its easy to leave a place that brings you sadness. A place you no longer feel connected with.

I miss the year before last year and the memories I don’t want to let go. But I won’t miss this past year. I want to say I grew and changed… but honestly I feel more lost… I don’t know how to be me… I don’t know who me is.

How do I make myself more wantable? How do I make others want to be in my presence? How do I make myself want me?

Shouldn’t saying Goodbye with people who have constantly been in my life for the past 2 years be difficult? I want to be able to form and keep relationships in which saying Goodbye is difficult.

But instead I find that right now saying Goodbye is not difficult at all, but rather wanted…

what is wrong with me?

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Wanting…

So another school year is currently closing. I turned in my MA thesis on Friday. All I have left is a batch of essays to grade by Tuesday and then Tuesday I receive Finals to grade. And then my semester will be over. My school year will be over. My MA degree will be complete.

I find that once again I am headed to the unknown. It isn’t something that is uncommon for me. This will be my 14th move… or 15th if you count that one time my family just moved to a new house in the same town.

I’m excited for the change. I’m in need of it. I don’t know what it is like not to change. The fact that I am about to go into a PhD program where I have to commit to being somewhere for 5 years scares me! (I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 3.5 years). But then again for much of that PhD program I will be in and out of the country.

I’m excited to once again be able to recreate myself from scratch. I’m going somewhere new where I know no one. No one will know I have OCD. No one will know that I am really shy. No one will know that I’m lonely.

I can be whoever I want to be.

I’ve always viewed change as a good thing. But I am realizing lately how really it hasn’t been good for me.

After I move somewhere there are very few people who I keep in contact with from my previous location. I mean yes we are Facebook friends. But really is a Facebook friend a “friend”?

As I am starting to pack up and getting ready to go… I’m realizing that there are very few people where I am at right now who I will probably end up saying good bye too. I have always found that the easiest way to leave somewhere is to just go. Tear of the band-aid. Saying Goodbye to people I know I will never see again…what is the point?

I let people go too easily.

To be honest though… I want stability in my life. And I can tell you right now that stability is not something I find in my family. Every time I get off the phone with a family member I wonder if I’ve done something wrong and someone will no longer speak to me.

I want to be wanted.

Just in terms of having friends. I always feel 2nd class to many of my friends. It is often because I am younger than most of the people in my cohort. So many view me as “naive,” but honestly I am not. I find that with many of my friends I’m like the little sister or even a pet.

Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to protect me. Everyone wants to play with me (in terms of making fun of me in a loving way, dying my hair, going to play on swing sets/ video games, random wrestling matches). Yet no one wants their little sister to come out partying with them. Or tell them their deepest secrets. I’m too fragile to hang out with them. I’m too pure and innocent to be able to handle what is in their lives (which is complete and utter crap).

I mean to be honest. I am the youngest of 4. So I do know how to be the younger sister and I am much younger than most of my friends, but still. For once, I want to be first to someone. Even just to a friend.

I know I lost many of the few friends that I did have this year, with my OCD melt down. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I thought I was going crazy and I thought the more I distanced myself the less likely they would be hurt by me (one of my greatest OCD fears). But I was easily replaced. I was/am easily forgotten.

I have also never had a real romantic connection with anyone. As a lover of all Romantic movies this has always been a really depressing aspect of my life. I want to believe true love exists. I want to have it. But for some reason I can never obtain it. I can’t even get someone who isn’t a creeper to give me a second glance. I mean I am not gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I believe I am a nice person and funny.

I’ve been in love with this one specific individual, for a very long time. I finally recently got the guts to let him know. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I just had to do it. So I did. But I shouldn’t have. Because it just makes me realize even more so that I always come in 2nd.

I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted. I want to be in wanting.

But I’m never good enough. Maybe this go around when I move to my new location, I will create a new me who is good enough. I’ll be someone that someone will want.

Maybe I am just not deserving though…

 
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Posted by on May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Apology

Hello!! Sorry I’ve been away for so long!

I have a real excuse though! My MA thesis was due today! So I was working my butt off… I haven’t slept in like 2 days… so I’m going to go to bed now… but tomorrow I promise a long post!

 
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Posted by on May 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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