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Fred.

Fred,

A year ago tomorrow (the 17th), i gave you all of me. I gave you my heart, soul, and body. I had already fallen in love with you… But it sealed everything. You took my virginity. You took a piece of me that I can never get back… I hope you understand the magnitude of what I gave you and why I gave it to you. Because of it you will always be in my heart whether I want you there or not. I hope you appreciate that and understand why it has been so hard for me to let you go.

I won’t ever forget you Fred. But I think I can finally let you go. Ive had a hard time letting you go. I don’t understand why but I’ve always felt so connected with you no matter what we had been through. I think it’s because you were a lot of firsts for me (besides making love) and then I couldn’t forgive myself for giving all of me to you. I’ve begun to forgive myself though just as I had already forgiven you. And I’ve realized by forgiving myself I can have those firsts back because with God’s forgiveness He washes me as clean as snow.

Please don’t attempt to respond back. I’m just writing this as one of the final pieces that I need to give you so that i can fully let you go. And also So that you know I’m ok and I’ve forgiven you.

I hope you are happy Fred. I hope you treat your current girlfriend better than you ever treated me. I hope you appreciate her in your life and that you come to love her or another woman. And let whoever that woman is love you in return.

****************

Fred,

I hate you for what you did to me.

**************

Fred,

I hate her, because you can love her and not me.

*************

Fred,

You’ve been with her for a month as of yesterday?? A MONTH! I gave you everything and I never got a month from you. 

*************

Fred,

I hate me the most, for allowing you to be in my life. 

*************

Fred,

I don’t want you to get away so easily for what you’ve done to me… but even if I yelled at you it would just bring me more pain… and you aren’t worth it. 

*************

Fred,

I hope that after our upcoming anniversary that I will be able to let you go. I still haven’t been able to.. and it appears you haven’t yet either (since you were stalking me on Linked In!) even if you now have her.

*************

Fred,

I have been debating whether to contact you on our anniversary or not which is tomorrow… Will I feel happy, sad, ok that I contacted you? But now that I think about it… I feel like it will just be like one of my compulsions… relief in the minutes I did it but hurt and confusion after…

************

Fred,

After everything… I still want you… or the you I thought/wished you were… but I deserve better than you… in fact being alone is probably better than being with you…

************

Fred,

Tomorrow marks a new year… a year without you… without the pain you caused me… a year to actually find me…

*************

Fred,

It is unfair that while I’m trying to let you go you are able to penetrate into my dreams… do I ever show up in yours?

************

Fred,

It wasn’t all my fault was it? I just wanted the perfect romance… or at least what was taught as romance in the Bible… you refused to give me what I needed, but was it all my fault?

*************

Fred,

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

*************

Fred,

A year tomorrow (the 17th), I gave you all of me. Although we didn’t work out, I hope you cherish the fact that I gave you my heart and body. I hope you are happy Fred and that you love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

*************

Fred,

*************

Fred,

*************

I must stop loving him…

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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For Brad…

This is a poem type thing that I’ve been working on since right before Brad told me that he couldn’t be friends with me.

They are poetic words from 26 of the 147 pages of Louisa May Alcott’s The Inheritance (my favorite book). There is going to be an art piece associated with it, but since I just finished the poem I wanted to share that first. It doesn’t have a title yet.

Still upon the grass
four days had passed
and she feared

Twilight gathered fast
a whispered repeated request
through her tears.

“Lost loves
are tokens of a heart
a sacrifice in vain.”
she said strained.

The patient strength of the heart
was a source of her sorrow
and a trial of her gentle heart

A dark form in dimly lighted gallery
his look of suffering
and sad earnest eyes
knew a message to give

The secrets of her heart
were not answered
in the secret of his kindness

Within that noble heart
a drop fell unseen
she would pass on alone
through the lonely woods

“My dream is broken,
I fear nothing,
I go softly on
For I have no heart to give.”

She stole softly
but a silent gratitude and unselfish love
never seemed more beautiful.

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Just Can’t…

There are so many things I can’t do right now…

I’ve been working on writing this post for almost a full week now… but I still can’t comprehend it…

I can’t comprehend what happened to me last week… like I literally… just can’t…

I can’t believe that I allowed it to happen…

I can’t believe I’m not more outraged… but I think that is mostly due to the shock I’m still experiencing… that anyone would have to the NERVE to do that…

I can’t comprehend that he is actually a master manipulator compared to the really really stupid unthinking person I thought he was…

I just can’t…

I can’t comprehend the draw Fred always had for me. I honestly can’t. It makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know if it is a pheromone thing, the fact that he was my first real anything– including first real kiss and everything else–, or the fact that I’m truly just stupid and desperate. Considering my academic history I don’t consider myself stupid… but man I have been stupid.

I met someone a few months ago who told me about a past relationship that they had and it sounded an awful lot like Fred and I’s in terms on the incomprehensible draw they had towards each other… so I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy… I just think it must be one of those things that unless you’ve experienced it, I really don’t think you can understand it… because it makes no sense in any logical way. I actually wrote down a list of all of Fred’s “transgressions” towards me… of course including him faking that he attempted suicide and then yelling at me when I contacted his parents because I thought it was true, his telling me that my OCD wasn’t real and that it was the devil, and soooo many other equally horrifying things. I come up with over 40 incidents over the past year.

A couple of sessions ago my therapist and I discovered why it is that I’m stuck in this cycle of emotional abuse. It’s because, honestly, I’m use to it. I’m use to having to look the other way. I’m use to pretending that something didn’t happen so that I could continue on loving the person who did something against me. I grew up with my mother… master manipulator and basically emotional abuser… or at least she was when I was much younger…

I remember having to put a smile on and pretending it was all ok, when my mother told me that I needed to tell people my “brother was dead” because he was kicked out of the house and out of the family. I remember my grown sister with a husband and child being kicked out of the house on my high school graduation night, because she told me mother to “hold a minute” while my sister and her husband were having a disagreement and my mother needed her. I remember my mother banning my sister from our lives due to various reasons and then getting in so much trouble when my mother found out I was secretly talking to her. I love my mother. She did some pretty awful things when I was growing up… but she was my mother… I had to forgive her and pretend everything was alright… and it’s not like it was real abuse… I had a roof over my head, food, and people who tried to love me. The home I grew up in is paradise to many.

So this was the pattern I knew and understood… so it was the pattern I used with Fred.. He would treat me like shit, but I would always let him back… because like I did when I was a kid… I had to forget the transgression against me to continue on living happily.

I mean its great I understand this about myself… and its something I’m going to have to continue to remember once Fred is a far off memory… but it didn’t save me this week.

I have gone several weeks without talking to Fred. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was moving on… I did not feel the need to contact him or anything.. but of course what happens… he contacts me… and immediately I’m stuck in his trap… it doesn’t matter I know he is horrible and unhealthy… this time he is talking to me it could be ” to explain himself,” “to finally tell me he loves me and he is sorry for being a stupid idiot,” “to actually be the man i need him to be.” I’m so use to giving people the benefit of the doubt… I’m just programmed to do it… even with this person who has over 40 times proven himself to be unhealthy and toxic.

But anyway he started talking to me this week… and I stupidly responded back to him… he kept telling me that he just wanted to be with me “one more time” (which btw I’m pretty sure this was our 50th anniversary of “one more time”). I was strong though.. I kept refusing him. I was wanting to talk to him… waiting for him to prove himself to me… but no… he just kept getting frustrated that I wouldn’t let him come see me.

After talking to me all day on Tuesday he finally had me convinced to let him come over. But when I told him nothing would happen… he moped and decided that he wasn’t going to come over.  On Wednesday he tried again… but when I told him “no” b/c I didn’t understand my feelings for him and if I even wanted him in my life… he just cut off communication (which btw is a favorite tactic of my mother).

Thursday… he tried again… but this time with a new and worse tactic… he told me that “he had met someone else” and that it was my lose. Even though it hurt, I didn’t let him know that… I told him I was happy for him and I hoped they were happy together… not the reaction he was expecting from me…

I honestly don’t know how… I mean I could go back through the texts and read them and figure it out… but I kinda don’t want to do that right now… but somehow we were talking like we were together… like a real couple… and we started talking about the future.. for some reason Fred really wants a kid.. like now… I can’t do that… for many reasons (1) Being pregnant on meds… not good… I have to get off of them first (2) Being pregnant and with OCD.. makes the OCD go into overdrive… I’m not ready for that. So I told him I’m sorry but no. Plus I need to be married before even thinking about having a kid.

So what does Fred do? He SOMEHOW (how?? DON’T ASK ME B/C ITS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION) gets a marriage certificate!!!!!!!!!!! Like a real marriage certificate… WITH MY NAME ON IT… signed by witnesses and an ordained minister…

First of how in the freaking world did he get a marriage certificate without a marriage license which to get either btw I need to be present and show ID and sign… Second of all… HE PUT MY NAME ON A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE… WHAT????

So I know now (I didn’t then) that it can’t be legit… bc a marriage license has to be involved (and well me)… but I’m still slightly freaked out that in the Mormon Church I’m married to Fred… yes odd that the certificate came from a Mormon Church… neither he nor I are mormon… my only thought process is that it was the only church that would give him one.

But anyway… he shows it me (via text of course) and what do I do? I totally freak! (and btw I was in target at the time… not the best place to have a major freak out) Who wouldn’t… Its like I’m going through a thousand different emotions at one time… outraged that he did something like that without me, shocked (who wouldn’t be), hurt that he didn’t know me well enough that I would in no way be ok with it, and slightly happy (I know that is soo wrong of me) because I thought it meant he actually loved me. Way to many emotions…

But anyway… I freak and I tell him sorry but I can’t marry him right now. He is apparently shocked and says that he didn’t think I would say no and he already mailed it in (first off… if this was legit… who would he be mailing it too? If he was mailing it to the state, the state requires the license and all of that… a certificate is just a piece of paper… doesn’t that mean I could go get married to Orlando Bloom if I wanted to? by just putting his name on it?)… not yet understanding how these things work (b/c you know I was in target and couldn’t really sit down and google “how do you get married in ____ state.” So shocked… but slightly excited that I’m apparently married (I know so wrong… but obviously we know there is something wrong with me that I keep letting Fred back into my life)… I eventually beg him to go get it back… but it was after 5pm… so I told him to go to the post office anyway and try to get it back… and if not go first thing in the morning (b/c apparently there is a way to retrieve mail after you already posted it… that I was able to quickly google).

He said that if he got it back though it would be our final goodbye… and at this point I was still so shocked/violated I completely agreed. He apparently got it back by banging on the door (but I really do wonder if it was ever at the post office… bc again… who on earth was he mailing it too without a license??).

He still wanted to come see me “one last time”… and because I had no idea how I should be filling I let him. He came over… one thing led to another… and of course right after… a friend had an “emergency” and needed his help (hmmm… for a guy who complains he has no friends he sure has a lot of friends who have emergencies… when he is visiting me…..). He left me saying “see you later.”

I’m not gonna lie… I was glad to see him go… but I was also heartbroken… and confused b/c “see you later” doesn’t really mean goodbye…

So the next morning I text him and I’m like “so are we finally done?” And his reply was “yes” and sorry that he left but he just “didn’t feel anything anymore”… but I’m slightly confused… I still want answers… how could we go from practically “married” to him having no feelings towards me at all…. his reply after my third text trying to get him to talk to me was that he was tired of all my nagging (which I guess I was nagging… but it’s because he wanted to be with me, but he treated me like shit and I was trying to either completely toss him out of my life or trying to fix things) and felt like “junk” after being with me. So nice of him to come over for a grand total of 7 minutes just so that he can feel wonderful pleasure, and then feel like junk right after and make me feel like a slut, wasn’t it?

So now… it’s almost been a whole week… and I still don’t know how to feel about it… I still feel angry and violated… but I still feel hurt and confused… and I still want him… after everything… there is apparently something extremely wrong with me… I just want to let him go…

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Stupidity Part 2

So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.

The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.

It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.

*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?

Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.

I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).

I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”

So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.

It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.

I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.

His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.

He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.

This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.

I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.

It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?

Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.

For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”

I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…

So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…

Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.

At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.

As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.

He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.

To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?

And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.

I was so so so so stupid.

The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.

I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.

I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Boston Tragedy

I have so many friends in Boston right now. It was in that area that I received my MA. The majority of my friends and even former professors have checked in saying that they are ok. But my heart hurts so much for them.

I pray so ardently for anyone and everyone affected by this. I don’t even have any words to say about this tragic event. I love you Boston family ❤ Please stay safe!! And please everyone in the Boston area please stay safe. Our hearts go out to all of you

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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Trying to find clarity

So that freight train from my last post? Yea… turned out that it exploded in my meadow like a nuclear bomb…. Right when I was finally becoming so happy too.

It was as if I had raised the white flag saying that I surrendered in a war that I had begun and my opponent let me go free… only for that grudge to explode as a nuclear bomb when everything was finally alright again, when I was finally, for once, happy.

I’m trying to pretend that I am ok… hoping that pretending will become reality…

But to say that I was ok would be lying.

I’ve always known that my concept of love has always been a little shaky. I’ve never really had great examples of it in my life… but from this experience I know what love isn’t… or if it is this… then love is not something that I want at all.

A very different situation occurred to me 8 years ago that had the exact same outcome as this current situation. The common denominator in both of them… is me.

Maybe I’m the creator of the nuclear bombs… sure I don’t hit the detonate button. In fact I’ve usually run far away by the time that that button is even considered being pushed… but the button could never have been pushed if it wasn’t my fault for the creation of it in the first place.

:(. I don’t know what to think. I feel though like if I ignore it then I am a horrible person. I feel like though if I try to reach out to the nuclear bomb to make sure it doesn’t have a secondary explosion that my touch will make it go off. But if I do nothing it may go off anyway.

I don’t want it to go off at all… I want it to be ok and not need to explode… but maybe if it is going to explode in any situation, I deserve to go down with it (just to clarify: this is in very non-suicidal terms on my part).

Seriously… why does my life have to be so complicated?? I hate drama so much… but I can’t get away from it… I think it’s because I care too much… but what if my caring is what is creating the problem?

*sigh* 😦

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The worst kind of betrayal…

I have just recently experienced the worst kind of betrayal… and from whom you may ask?

My subconscious…

Seriously… laugh! b/c I am sorta laughing… but it is just so wrong…

When I am upset… USUALLY… I don’t cry… (this has proved false lately though)… instead I just sleep… I sleep the world away… because in my dreams I can pretend like everything is ok…

but it absolutely is sooo wrong when your dreams not only pretend like everything is ok but make what you sooooo desperately long for come true… but only in the dream. So when you wake up thinking that your dreams became reality and then realize it was only a dream… its a bit of a rude awakening… causing tears to pour out of one’s eyes…

Sigh…

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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