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Christmas

So I am about to explain my Christmas… This is going to be very long and also probably pretty confusing because so many factors go into what happened over christmas. You have to have all parts of it in order to understand the whole… Also this is a complete rant so I’ve completely disregarded the importance of grammar lol… so I apologize in advance…

Christmas was… full of family drama as predicted. We were all home this year… well not for christmas exactly but right after.

I had to work Christmas Eve so I left Christmas morning for home. What should have been a max 5 hours trip turned into a twelve hour fiasco of me changing airlines and planes breaking.

But I got home the same time as my middle sister and then my brother arrived soon shortly after that. My eldest sister did not arrive until the next day.

I have good relations with my siblings except my brother. I’ve probably posted about it before… but my family has lots of drama that all started with him being kicked out of the family when i was in high school and he in college.

We had many years of drama surrounding my brother including me being forced by my parents to tell people that my brother was dead, my brother calling his biological father who he never knew ‘daddy’ and refusing to acknowledge my father (who raised him), many horrible fights, lots of yelling, etc. Eventually (like many years… this happened in 10th grade and I never got a formal apology from my brother until 5.5 years later) he said he was gonna try to be a part of our lives again.

I told him I forgave him… and I thought I had… But I think I always had some underlying difficulties with my brother being in my life… I don’t really like the person my brother had become but anytime he saw us I was always nice and pretended that nothing happened.

I’m not completely sure when or why my feelings for my brother started to turn south. A large part of it is because I don’t think I ever fully forgave him. I blame my brother for destroying my parents which destroyed my family. After my brother went off the deepened, my middle sister shortly left for college, and then my parents started having difficulties with my eldest sister on the same topic of why my brother left our family.

My parents were devastated… My mother… who basically didn’t really like the mothering role by the time she got to me, her fourth child, basically gave up raising me. I was only 15… I needed my mother… but instead what I got was a mother who was curled up on the couch crying when she wasn’t working, crying herself to sleep, talking non stop trash about my brother and eldest sister… and us never leaving the house because she was too depressed.

I remember it being just my mother and I eating dinner at night and the whole entire time instead of being able to talk to my mom about my day and things going on in my life, she would be on the phone with my father (whose job requires him to be away very often) crying over my siblings.

I didn’t agree with my parents when it came to the way they were handling this situation… at all… but I had to keep my opinions to myself… if i voiced a different opinion I would be chewed out…but still they were my parents… they shouldn’t have had to go through this situation. I thought that if my brother cared for them at all he wouldn’t have done what he had done in the way he had done it.

I understand that he and my sister (she actually had memories of the man) needed to seek their biological father. What I didnt understand was why my brother… who was my hero growing up, he was the one person I looked up to for everything and wanted to be exactly like… no longer wanted to be a part of my family. I didnt understand why he told my parents they were no longer his parents… I still don’t.

But anyway… I thought I was over all this… but my brother throughout all of this turned into a very angry, uncaring individual. I fear his anger much more than my mothers which really says something.

When my brother ended up moving close to home, he and my parents began to work through things. But no one thought about the fact that I or my middle sister needed to work things through with him too. My parents automatically assumed that because they were ok with him that I would be too. My parents always thought this way for some reason… while they always wanted a big happy family… my middle sister and I were never really allowed to have good relations with my brother or eldest sister. My eldest sister and I have a great relationship now but its mostly because I kept it from my mother…. in fact my middle sister was chewed out by my mother a year or so ago for confronting my eldest sister about something she was feeling… my mother told her it “wasn’t” her place.

But anyway as my parents became closer with my brother… the more resentment I began to feel.

All of a sudden this individual who started out as my hero and then became the enemy of my parents was suddenly their golden child. The prodigal son (who btw he and my eldest sister were always their favorite before things turned south) had returned!! And while I was all for throwing a party to welcome him back… this party just keeps going on… b/c we can’t do anything that might make him upset b/c he might turn away again… so we have to keep him happy… and the only way to do that is to keep him at the center of attention…

And my brother learning like the rest of my family how to be a pretty good manipulator also manipulates my mother by giving her the attention she desperately wants but not that he really wants to give her. He gives her the attention so that she will babysit his child anytime he wants and for as long as he wants. He also does it to get pity from her and to get her on his side when he thinks his sisters are against him.

It bothers me that my brother does this. It bothers me that he is once again the center of their world… I mean technically he was the center of their world during the fight b/c he was all they could talk about… but to go from such negativity to such positivity is very much like whiplash.

It isnt fair that he is the most loved out of all of us (my eldest sister who was always in competition for this role of most loved and probably was winning for a while is greatly disliked by my mother right now… which I greatly disagree with…my sister never did anything nearly as horrible as what my brother did).

But while I was talking all this over with a friend. I think I discovered something else too… I’ve misplaced much of my anger that i have over my situation with Fred on my mother and my brother.

This goes back to the manipulation thing. My whole life my mother has been an emotionally abusive person. It really isn’t much of her fault… she lived in a physically abusive home… so She has excuse. But anyway anytime she did something horrible to me or my middle sister (such as telling my sister that she no longer wanted to be her mother in like the 5th grade or telling me I wasnt good enough) I would just have to let it roll of my shoulder. There was nothing I could do about it. I just pretended that everything was fine. She emotionally hurt me.. but like she always told me I wasn’t allowed to cry about it. I just had to move on. (Which I’m pretty sure is the reason why I don’t ever cry now)

Thats what I began to do with my brother as well. My brother came back to the family… and although he would get angry at me for a stupid reason or joke in a manner that you weren’t actually sure if he was joking or not or do something horrible to my parents or chew out my eldest sister for something, or manipulate my mother into thinking that all the sisters were keeping him out from joining the family when really he wasn’t reaching out to us at all… I had to keep forgiving him.

And thats what I did with Fred. I have been trained my whole life to be treated not the best of ways but then immediately forgive and forget. After all it wasn’t their fault… there was reason for them being the way they were… I had to be understanding… So I had to be understanding with Fred to… It didn’t matter that he pretended to get in a car wreck to get my attention, or push me to have sex when I didn’t actually want to, or force me to take plan B and then not contact me for two weeks to see if I was ok, or see me for one night and then not hear from him for ages, or pretended to commit suicide, or yell at me when I thought that attempt was real and contacted his parents to find out what hospital he was in, and so much more… oh no… he probably had reason to be that way. I loved my mother and brother… I knew how to love people like this,… so shouldn’t I love him too?

So although the fault is really with me for allowing someone to treat me that way and not telling him to hit the road after week two… I can’t help but blame my mother and brother for conditioning me for that kind of relationship….

I feel like such a horrible person… I resent my brother for the amount of love and attention he gets from my parents (when he clearly isn’t the best of men in the world) and I blame him for something that he doesn’t even know happened in my life.

But anyway… to go back to christmas, It took me twelve hours to get home… I had only slept three hours the night before and I didnt get any chance to nap at all before he, his wife, and baby showed up.

OCD thing… kids scare the crap out of me… and since their child is really little, she scared me even more… so with being tired and battling with OCD I was a bit standoffish… my brother took that as extreme dislike for him… and while he was ‘joking’ and pretending everything was alright… he took the dislike he thought he saw mirrored in me and reflected it right back.

Everything was being dealt with though in the fake way my family loves to act until the next evening (when I still hadn’t gotten the sleep I needed due to various factors) when my mother insisted we play a board game (which may i emphasis has NEVER gone well in my family… someone always ends up crying). The first hour was fun… but then for some reason my brother kept getting “edgier”… apparently he felt like we were all gaining up on him… but we weren’t at all.. we were playing in our sarcastic way that we always play in… like when my brother had to name all 7 continents i told him he was wrong for saying “Australia” when the technical term is Oceania… or when we had to list things that were in a volcano and we refused to give him “frodo” since it was completely fictional and not something that has the possibility to be found in a volcano… then my sister did something that we weren’t completely sure if it was technically right but we gave it to her… and my brother just went off in an angry rage saying it was unfair and that we were all out to get him (even though he was winning).

This then started a huge argument. My mother insisted we put the game up and not wanting to be a part of my brother’s rage I quickly fled the scene…. but then my parents decided to have a “family meeting” to get our feelings out… which we’ve never done and is a terrifying thing to do… b/c a lot of the feelings are due to our parents and we can’t really tell them that without them kicking us out of the house…. but anyway apparently my brother had a lot of resentment against me due to the fact that he called me twice and i didn’t pick up either time (I don’t remember this but it was probably during finals which is why i didn’t want to deal with him… and so therefore he blamed me for us never talking) and then he was upset that i ‘disrespected’ our father once the day before (which long story short i hadnt at all… ) but my mean reply at this point was that our dad knew I hadn’t disrespected him b/c my love for him has never been questioned unlike his has for our father. Which my brother then denied he had never disrespected our father which then made my middle sister (who is very protective over me) intensely yell and then begin to cry that that was a load of bull.

I don’t remember to many of the details of this convo… due to the fact that I was really tired and upset… but apparently we got many of our feelings out… but nothing to change me brothers opinion about anything to do with life. He just sat their with his stubbornness fuming away.

My eldest sister stayed remarkably quiet throughout this whole thing… she told me later that she already felt like she was enough in the dog house that she didnt need to be anymore with my parents.

But anyway… eventually my brother’s wife comes to join the conversation (who was originally invited but she refused) and she is sobbing b/c she thought we had moved passed all this… but the thing is… she and my brother may have moved passed it with my parents… but never with me and my middle sister.

And then from that point on this whole conversation became the brother and his wife show… my mother being all fake trying to make them feel better. OH it doesn’t matter that I still haven’t gotten everything out and I am really upset…oh no I and my feelings don’t matter at all… just my brother’s.

My sisters and I all left the conversation a little bit afterwards feeling the exact same way. Ignored and overlooked for our brother… who learned nothing from the conversation.

My eldest sister then got on the phone with her husband (who had to work so stayed behind at where they lived) to say goodnight and tell him what happened… being protective of his children… he didnt want them there without my sister who was set to leave the next day and leave the kids behind to stay with us for a little while longer… so instead of packing them all up the next day my sister decided to stay with them at the house for the next few days…

When my sister went to go tell our mom… about thirty minutes after the family talk had ended my mom went off on her… saying that if the kids couldn’t stay by themselves they should all just leave the next day. So basically she was passive aggressively kicking them out. My mother who had been such a great mediator (completely fake) during the family talk was now kicking out my eldest sister for the stupidest reason ever… my sister was baffled and didnt know what to do… so she told my mom to think about it.

THe next morning everything was pretty scary…. the house was too quiet, My brother came to me though and did apologize… which i must give him some points for and said that he wants to try to talk more… but my mother… was very curt to everyone… she let my sister stay but kept dropping hints like packing for her and telling her it was going to rain tomorrow so it would be best to drive home today.

In the evening the eventually made up.. but made up in the fake way in which my mother is still holding a lot of resentment towards her.

So I still… I still dont know how to feel about any of this… I need to get over it… but I’ve learned that just dropping things and forgetting them are bad for me… or maybe that is just in regards to the rest of the world and not my family.

Blah.. I love my family… I really do… I just wish things were easier…

 

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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Easier…

So I thought that since I FINISHED THE SEMESTER (WOOT!!) I would be able to think clearer and things would be easier… but nope… I’m just as sad and heartbroken as ever… if not worse…

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Oh life…

The semester is almost over!!!

Just have two essays left and a test to proctor and I can go home for a whole month. Yea home won’t be that fun… I will have a whole new set of problems to face there… but I can get away from my problems here. Life is always filled with drama… but at least I can trade this drama for different drama for a while.

Life has been difficult lately… to say the least… and while I really don’t feel like talking about it (my therapist and I had an intense long conversation about it today)… for the first time in a while I actually feel optimistic.

Yea this semester sucked majorly… I screwed up a lot… spent time doing things I shouldn’t have… tried to find a job outside of academia and failed… tried to love and failed… but you know what? that is what life is about:

“Fail early and get it all over with. If you learn to deal with failure, you can raise teenagers. You can abide in intimate relationships. And you can have a worthwhile career. You learn to breathe again when you embrace failure as a part of life, not as the determining moment of life.”

Rev. William L. Swig

Yea I made stupid mistakes that hurt me and others a lot… but you know what? I’ve learned. I’ve learned A LOT. Yes, I still have issue… but who doesn’t? Yes… my life could be a drama on TV with lots of comedy… sometimes my life sucks so bad that I can’t do anything but laugh… but that is ok… that is life… I can find the humor in my own suffering and that is what helps me get through it.

I have amazing friends. A messed up but amazing family. And the cutest little puppy in the world. I have people in my life who love me.

I will never die old and alone because I will have them. My best friends and I will be the old ladies in the old folks home getting on everyone else’s nerves with our constant giggling and getting into trouble lol

Life is a blessing. You only get to live life once. Why waste it regretting things you’ve done? Instead embrace them and learn from them. Realize that you will never do them again and make your life better.

yea my OCD is actually trying to make me feel the opposite of all this. It is trying to make me feel like I deserved all of this. That I will never be worthy of finding anything better. But I refuse to listen. I know it isn’t true. God loves me and wants what is best for me. He will help me find my happy ending. 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Breaking a Promise…

I know… I know… I said I wasn’t going to talk about him anymore… but here I go breaking my promise…

I love to read… and watch movies… particularly romances… I have always been a sucker for a good romance… I use to try to hide my hopeless romantic- ism behind being cynical about love..

I wasn’t sure love really existed… b/c honestly I have never seen it. The idea that people could fall in love in a matter of days? Like Jack and Rose of Titanic? Yea that was pretty in books and movies… but could that really happen?

I think it did to me…

I love him… even though we haven’t spoken in almost a week… and we haven’t said any kind words to one another in a week and a half… I somehow still love him.

I fell so HARD for him. Everything about him, I loved. His voice, his confidence, his love for God, the way he made me feel, his passion for life, his optimism, etc.

We just didn’t understand each other. So neither of us were able to fulfill completely the other’s emotional needs. I know I hurt him… any time a problem arose…I just ran away… and turned to my friends who are always there for me…I had to save myself…I am ashamed that I didn’t think of him enough… but I didn’t realize that I had already fallen so hard for him…

I’m so sorry for the pain that I have caused him. He hates drama and I know I’ve brought way more drama into his life than he is used too.

But he hurt me too… I thought he loved me… He said he knew how fragile I was… but he didn’t… I haven’t felt this hurt in such a long time…

We jumped into it way to fast… we should have actually gotten to know each other first… that way neither of us would hurt the other b/c we would know where limits were… and how to talk to each other without running away, without avoiding, without having to do it via text, without misarticulating ourselves, and without emotionally hurting each other.

I want things to work out so bad… I love him… he has my heart… and I don’t know if I can get it back…

How can I fight for him? for me? for us? If I can’t get him to apologize? or even talk to me.

How can this man who hurt me so badly… still hold my heart?

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Interesting Boat

So… I’m not sure how to describe what it is that is happening, but I shall try.

Obviously… as the title suggests… I’m in an interesting boat…

My WHOLE immediate family was together this past weekend for the first time in almost 8 years. This includes my parents, oldest sister, her husband, three children; brother, his wife, and child; my other sister, and my mother’s grandparents.

I’m not sure how much I’ve written about the issues my family has… but well to catch you up my family is pretty messed up. Not in the “abusive situation” type of way but in the no one gets along, rift in the family, and some people actually have mental disorders way (lol including me… but I’m referring more to those in my family who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem and refuse go to therapy)…

It was a pretty good weekend. All of us were only together for a few hours. We went out to lunch in a location half way between where my oldest sister lives and where my parents and grandparents live. My brother and his family and my other sister hung around for a lot of the weekend at home.

I thought it went really well.. well for my family at least.

Of course there were times when certain groups of us were together and we would complain about the missing people… is this normal in a family? I’m not sure lol.

But anyway one thing I’ve always known about my family is that I am the glue. Everyone likes me. Everyone has issues with everyone except me. If I was not here no one in my family would speak. I am the only person who doesn’t like me (a point my therapist pointed out to me a month or so ago lol). I make people calm down and see the side of the other person (of course this sometimes leads to arguments of me defending other family member but usually I’m a pretty good mediator).

But anyhow… this past weekend I was often in odd groups of my family, such as just my parents, just my middle sister, my middle sister, brother, and sister-in-law, or just my oldest sister… and  lots of complaining occurred.

My problem is is that when I’m with which ever group I completely and utterly see there side to the situation. As I said sometimes there are times when I make other people see the other side (such as when my brother was complaining about my mother I finally told him that my therapist thought that my mother most likely had borderline personality disorder… I hoped that by telling him he would understand her actions more so). But other times… I feel like a traitor to my various groups b/c I will just sit down and complain about the person right a long with them. Is this normal family behavior?

It is just that everyone in my family just trusts me SO much that I probably know more about the lives of everyone in our family than anyone else knows. It puts me in an interesting boat… and also makes me freak out in an obsessional way:

“Omg… should I have defended so-in-so??? Did I make their situation worse between them???”

“Should I have said BLANK to this person so that they would understand the situation better? Crap, did I miss my opportunity to fix my family?? But what if my saying that I put a whole in their trust?? Omg did I accidentally tell someone something that was supposed to be a secret???”

“What if I am not the glue??? But am actually the acetone disintegrating it?? What if it is all my fault that people don’t like other people in my family???? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my family??? I shouldn’t complain about anyone ever!!! I want everyone to love each other! Omg did what I just say totally ruin someone’s relationship with someone else???”

Seriously these thoughts go through my mind… and I really don’t know what to do about it… b/c honestly maybe the thoughts are right? I know… I’m letting the OCD win… but sometimes it can be so easy to believe…

Where is the line between being the glue and the acetone?

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Secrets and Lies

Ah… where to begin this post.

So many secrets and so many lies characterize my family. Hahaha I know. Family probably wasn’t the noun you thought was going to be at the end of that sentence. BUT it is true. My family is messed up, but messed up in such a way that unless you are on the inside you would never know.

You know how individuals can have ‘masks?’ Well apparently a whole family can too.

My parents are both from messed up families… and well with them procreating and other drama involved… my family didn’t turn out the best. There is never not family drama and no one ever knows the whole truth at anytime. There are things that I have to PROMISE not to tell my other siblings. And then my mother loves to manipulate and lie to her children all the time so that we believe everything is ok when it isn’t.

I guess this goes back to my earlier post about being able to easily hide my emotions. I too have the problem of the mask, but it is the way I grew up. My mother would yell at me for something (probably about how I wasn’t doing well enough in school) for like 30 minutes and then 5 minutes later I would HAVE TO BE HAPPY. If I wasn’t, I would get yelled at more or be told to quit “mopping” or being “moody.” Ok I understand… people don’t like moody children… but common you just yelled at me for THIRTY MINUTES give me at least 30 minutes to cool off and to process the information you tried to “enlighten” me with.

But anyway… this isn’t a post that is supposed to delve into all my family issues (there are enough to create a chain of libraries filled with volumes of issues), but to discuss one aspect.

As you will have seen in my other posts… I am having a midlife crisis… or well hopefully only a quarter life crisis.

I’ve talked to many a friends and family members who are extremely supportive in whatever I decide. Whether it is to continue on to a PhD program in my current field or just to take some time to figure out what it is I really want from life.

Initially, when talking to my parents about this they were upset with me. Thinking I was over reacting to issues in my life and so forth (and the whole having OCD thing). My dad called me trying to determine whether it was the OCD telling me that I needed to quit, but I promptly replied that it was my OCD telling me that I HAD to go to a PhD program or I would fail my life.

But anyway. They decided to be “supportive” and telling me that its ok with them whatever I decide. I just heard though from one of my sisters that my mother talked to her about how I was going through a “phase” and that I go through this “phase” yearly and that if she heard from me she should just let me talk  and tell her that school is the right path for me.

May I ask the general world out there… Is it NORMAL to go through an existential crisis more than twice a year? Doesn’t that mean that I am UNHAPPY. Shouldn’t I be doing something that brings me joy? or at least doing something that leaves me time in the day so that I can find joy??

I just don’t know what I want out of my life.

I’ve been living under a mask, with secrets and lies constantly around me, to the point that I don’t know who I am, or what I want out of life.

Urg…. I need someone to save me from this. Please…

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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