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Just Can’t…

There are so many things I can’t do right now…

I’ve been working on writing this post for almost a full week now… but I still can’t comprehend it…

I can’t comprehend what happened to me last week… like I literally… just can’t…

I can’t believe that I allowed it to happen…

I can’t believe I’m not more outraged… but I think that is mostly due to the shock I’m still experiencing… that anyone would have to the NERVE to do that…

I can’t comprehend that he is actually a master manipulator compared to the really really stupid unthinking person I thought he was…

I just can’t…

I can’t comprehend the draw Fred always had for me. I honestly can’t. It makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know if it is a pheromone thing, the fact that he was my first real anything– including first real kiss and everything else–, or the fact that I’m truly just stupid and desperate. Considering my academic history I don’t consider myself stupid… but man I have been stupid.

I met someone a few months ago who told me about a past relationship that they had and it sounded an awful lot like Fred and I’s in terms on the incomprehensible draw they had towards each other… so I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy… I just think it must be one of those things that unless you’ve experienced it, I really don’t think you can understand it… because it makes no sense in any logical way. I actually wrote down a list of all of Fred’s “transgressions” towards me… of course including him faking that he attempted suicide and then yelling at me when I contacted his parents because I thought it was true, his telling me that my OCD wasn’t real and that it was the devil, and soooo many other equally horrifying things. I come up with over 40 incidents over the past year.

A couple of sessions ago my therapist and I discovered why it is that I’m stuck in this cycle of emotional abuse. It’s because, honestly, I’m use to it. I’m use to having to look the other way. I’m use to pretending that something didn’t happen so that I could continue on loving the person who did something against me. I grew up with my mother… master manipulator and basically emotional abuser… or at least she was when I was much younger…

I remember having to put a smile on and pretending it was all ok, when my mother told me that I needed to tell people my “brother was dead” because he was kicked out of the house and out of the family. I remember my grown sister with a husband and child being kicked out of the house on my high school graduation night, because she told me mother to “hold a minute” while my sister and her husband were having a disagreement and my mother needed her. I remember my mother banning my sister from our lives due to various reasons and then getting in so much trouble when my mother found out I was secretly talking to her. I love my mother. She did some pretty awful things when I was growing up… but she was my mother… I had to forgive her and pretend everything was alright… and it’s not like it was real abuse… I had a roof over my head, food, and people who tried to love me. The home I grew up in is paradise to many.

So this was the pattern I knew and understood… so it was the pattern I used with Fred.. He would treat me like shit, but I would always let him back… because like I did when I was a kid… I had to forget the transgression against me to continue on living happily.

I mean its great I understand this about myself… and its something I’m going to have to continue to remember once Fred is a far off memory… but it didn’t save me this week.

I have gone several weeks without talking to Fred. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was moving on… I did not feel the need to contact him or anything.. but of course what happens… he contacts me… and immediately I’m stuck in his trap… it doesn’t matter I know he is horrible and unhealthy… this time he is talking to me it could be ” to explain himself,” “to finally tell me he loves me and he is sorry for being a stupid idiot,” “to actually be the man i need him to be.” I’m so use to giving people the benefit of the doubt… I’m just programmed to do it… even with this person who has over 40 times proven himself to be unhealthy and toxic.

But anyway he started talking to me this week… and I stupidly responded back to him… he kept telling me that he just wanted to be with me “one more time” (which btw I’m pretty sure this was our 50th anniversary of “one more time”). I was strong though.. I kept refusing him. I was wanting to talk to him… waiting for him to prove himself to me… but no… he just kept getting frustrated that I wouldn’t let him come see me.

After talking to me all day on Tuesday he finally had me convinced to let him come over. But when I told him nothing would happen… he moped and decided that he wasn’t going to come over.  On Wednesday he tried again… but when I told him “no” b/c I didn’t understand my feelings for him and if I even wanted him in my life… he just cut off communication (which btw is a favorite tactic of my mother).

Thursday… he tried again… but this time with a new and worse tactic… he told me that “he had met someone else” and that it was my lose. Even though it hurt, I didn’t let him know that… I told him I was happy for him and I hoped they were happy together… not the reaction he was expecting from me…

I honestly don’t know how… I mean I could go back through the texts and read them and figure it out… but I kinda don’t want to do that right now… but somehow we were talking like we were together… like a real couple… and we started talking about the future.. for some reason Fred really wants a kid.. like now… I can’t do that… for many reasons (1) Being pregnant on meds… not good… I have to get off of them first (2) Being pregnant and with OCD.. makes the OCD go into overdrive… I’m not ready for that. So I told him I’m sorry but no. Plus I need to be married before even thinking about having a kid.

So what does Fred do? He SOMEHOW (how?? DON’T ASK ME B/C ITS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION) gets a marriage certificate!!!!!!!!!!! Like a real marriage certificate… WITH MY NAME ON IT… signed by witnesses and an ordained minister…

First of how in the freaking world did he get a marriage certificate without a marriage license which to get either btw I need to be present and show ID and sign… Second of all… HE PUT MY NAME ON A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE… WHAT????

So I know now (I didn’t then) that it can’t be legit… bc a marriage license has to be involved (and well me)… but I’m still slightly freaked out that in the Mormon Church I’m married to Fred… yes odd that the certificate came from a Mormon Church… neither he nor I are mormon… my only thought process is that it was the only church that would give him one.

But anyway… he shows it me (via text of course) and what do I do? I totally freak! (and btw I was in target at the time… not the best place to have a major freak out) Who wouldn’t… Its like I’m going through a thousand different emotions at one time… outraged that he did something like that without me, shocked (who wouldn’t be), hurt that he didn’t know me well enough that I would in no way be ok with it, and slightly happy (I know that is soo wrong of me) because I thought it meant he actually loved me. Way to many emotions…

But anyway… I freak and I tell him sorry but I can’t marry him right now. He is apparently shocked and says that he didn’t think I would say no and he already mailed it in (first off… if this was legit… who would he be mailing it too? If he was mailing it to the state, the state requires the license and all of that… a certificate is just a piece of paper… doesn’t that mean I could go get married to Orlando Bloom if I wanted to? by just putting his name on it?)… not yet understanding how these things work (b/c you know I was in target and couldn’t really sit down and google “how do you get married in ____ state.” So shocked… but slightly excited that I’m apparently married (I know so wrong… but obviously we know there is something wrong with me that I keep letting Fred back into my life)… I eventually beg him to go get it back… but it was after 5pm… so I told him to go to the post office anyway and try to get it back… and if not go first thing in the morning (b/c apparently there is a way to retrieve mail after you already posted it… that I was able to quickly google).

He said that if he got it back though it would be our final goodbye… and at this point I was still so shocked/violated I completely agreed. He apparently got it back by banging on the door (but I really do wonder if it was ever at the post office… bc again… who on earth was he mailing it too without a license??).

He still wanted to come see me “one last time”… and because I had no idea how I should be filling I let him. He came over… one thing led to another… and of course right after… a friend had an “emergency” and needed his help (hmmm… for a guy who complains he has no friends he sure has a lot of friends who have emergencies… when he is visiting me…..). He left me saying “see you later.”

I’m not gonna lie… I was glad to see him go… but I was also heartbroken… and confused b/c “see you later” doesn’t really mean goodbye…

So the next morning I text him and I’m like “so are we finally done?” And his reply was “yes” and sorry that he left but he just “didn’t feel anything anymore”… but I’m slightly confused… I still want answers… how could we go from practically “married” to him having no feelings towards me at all…. his reply after my third text trying to get him to talk to me was that he was tired of all my nagging (which I guess I was nagging… but it’s because he wanted to be with me, but he treated me like shit and I was trying to either completely toss him out of my life or trying to fix things) and felt like “junk” after being with me. So nice of him to come over for a grand total of 7 minutes just so that he can feel wonderful pleasure, and then feel like junk right after and make me feel like a slut, wasn’t it?

So now… it’s almost been a whole week… and I still don’t know how to feel about it… I still feel angry and violated… but I still feel hurt and confused… and I still want him… after everything… there is apparently something extremely wrong with me… I just want to let him go…

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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My sad sad life…

I’m seriously the most confused individual… I received a sign today about what I should do with my life… Its obviously a sign… but what on earth is it indicating???

So… today… I had a meeting at 11:30am with the grad advisor of my program… thinking about it all week and talking it over today with my therapist I was decided that this was going to be my last semester.

I was completely decided. I knew this was the choice I was going to make. I was scared to death… scared I was making the wrong choice… scared that I would still have to go to the field… scared that they would convince me to stay…

I had an appointment at 10:00am with my therapist to talk it through. We did. My decision was made.

I left for my 11:30am meeting to talk with my advisor. I was going down the steps on the subway… to be honest I was looking down at my phone reading an email… I don’t really know what happened except that I missed a step and fell forward/sideways… I heard a crack…

A kind man going down the stairs stayed with me to ensure I was ok… I wasn’t ok but I was trying to pretend that I was b/c I couldn’t have broken anything… I have never broken a bone in my life… it was just a sprain… I had to get to school for my meeting…a person who works for the subway system heard my fall and asked if I needed the paramedics… I kindly refused… refusing to believe I needed them… continuing down the stairs and getting to a bench… i almost passed out… but I thought it was just bc I had strained myself…

The subway finally came and as I walked onto the subway my vision completely went away… I could still walk but I couldn’t see anymore and I knew I was about to pass out… I almost sat on someone b/c I was just going for where I hoped there was a seat… people realized there was something wrong with me… they asked me if I was ok and where my stop was so they could ensure I got off at the right place…

I got off the subway at school… and I just knew I couldn’t walk anymore… I sat on a bench… called my roommate and told her what had happened… it would be awhile til she could get to me so I decided to get an ambulance… I flagged down a nice looking undergrad boy to go ask a subway personal to call the paramedics… the stranger boy was so kind… and stayed with me until the subway personal came and the paramedics… I wish I would have gotten his name so I could thank him…

but anyway… my first ambulance ride… get taken to the hospital… spend most of the day there… my roommate comes to my aid thankfully… after several xrays and a ct scan… it was determined that I broke my talus (the first foot bone that connects to your long bones)… and that a piece of my bone was sticking 2mm up…

So now… I’m in a non permanent cast until I can get casted on Monday… its going to take 6-8 weeks to heal… I def can’t go to Mexico now considering I was supposed to go in 4 weeks…

But this happened right before I was supposed to quit? Is that saying that I shouldn’t quit and that my prayers are being answered now that I have a legit excuse to not go into the field? Or does it mean I just need to tell my school “Fuck it I’m done” (excuse the language)… b/c I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get to and from school… Its a 30min to 45 min commute that requires lots of walking… and places with no elevators… and I have to walk all over campus… how on earth am I going to do that on crutches??

So obviously… this happened… and this happened for a reason… but what on earth does it mean?????? What was the odds that the first time I ever broke a bone would be the day I was going to change my life??? Its so hilariously sad… but I don’t know what it means!!!!!

My life seriously needs to be a comedic drama…

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Lie of Silence and the Empowerment of Anger

I really dislike anger… I really dislike the emotion… I’ve been up close and personal to what anger can do to a person… and to one’s family… I’ve also known personally what it does to relationships (of the friend variety)… I’ve had things happen… I’ve learned from them… my family still lives in a constant state of anger… since those specific events in my life and the constant vibe’s from my family… I try my hardest to stay away from anger… I don’t like being angry… I like to let it go right away… move on… there is nothing I can do about it…accept it for what it is…

But I am so incredibly angry right now…

My therapist says that anger is healthy and that I actually need to use it as a tool to keep myself protected… to keep my boundaries up so that I can never be hurt like that again… she doesn’t want me to let it fester at all… eventually I need to let it go… but since the anger is so fresh (since late Tuesday night)… I need to utilize it to build my boundaries…

But my anger is sooooooo much right now… I can hardly think about anything else… I don’t like this… If I wasn’t so cold and keen on staying wrapped up in a blanket I could probably run like 10 miles (which is really saying something for me since I can’t even run a mile)… good thing I am not an aggressive person in any way shape or form!

but the thing is it isn’t just anger… it is a hurt like I have never felt before… and I have been hurt A LOT… I can’t describe the pain that I feel… I thought I knew what heartbreak was like before… but I literally can feel my heart breaking… the cruel event that has happened to me…

I’m just so infuriated b/c it is also my fault… I should have known better… I should have realized that certain people just can’t be trusted b/c they will ALWAYS hurt you… but for some reason I’ve just always believed everyone deserves second chances… even if it is there 100th second chance…

But I should have known better… I should have known it would happen… so I’m not only infuriated and hurt about the event… but I am sooooooooo angry at myself…

But I’m trying to learn from this… I’m trying to learn how to build my boundaries and never allow anything to happen to make me feel like this way ever again… but I’m afraid of building those boundaries up to the point that I will never let them down again…

But how do you get over anger like this? Go buy a punching bag?

I need to let it go… I don’t want to end up life my family… I’ve seen that… it is horrible… but I rather feel this anger than just the hurt… because then I don’t think I could get up in the morning…

So then should I let the anger go once the hurt has healed? Because it has to heal… I’m too angry not to make it heal b/c no one should have the power to make someone hurt like this…

urg…

some quotes for thought…

“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.”
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“The best lies are always at least partially true.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton

“A half- truth does more mischief than a whole lie.”
– Ivan Panin

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
– Malcolm X (1925 – 1965)

“I have a right to my anger, and I don’t want anybody telling me I shouldn’t be, that it’s not nice to be, and that something’s wrong with me because I get angry.”
– Maxine Waters, in Brian Lanker, I Dream a World, 1989

“It’s important for people to keep in mind that while anger is a feeling that everybody has, aggression is a choice.”
– Carole D. Stovall

“Anger is one of the ways God protects us. Anger is, in fact, a God-given experience. We have been given a divine emotional signal in our heads that tells us when we are getting too near the edge. Like semaphore lights at a dangerous train crossing, anger tells us to pay careful attention.”
– Paul Meier and Robert L. Wise

“Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand…. We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.”
– Julia Cameron

“Anger is a fuel. You need fuel to launch a rocket. But if all you have is fuel without any complex internal mechanism directing it, you don’t have a rocket. You have a bomb.”
– Gil Scwartz

“Anger is not a sinful emotion. But how we act when we are angry may well be a sin.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

“Anger is our reaction to the violation of our boundaries.”
– Kathleen Dowling singh

“At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that your misery has been created by another person. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you may realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that your caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel.”
– Doris Moreland Jones

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Please…

Dear God,

Please pull me close. Hug me. Be with me. Just let me feel your presence here…My heart… it feels so empty…

Please God be with me. I need you so badly… it hurts so much… this pain it isn’t bearable…

I feel so used, unwanted, and unloved.

Please God hold me.

I tried so hard God, I wanted it to work so much. I gave it my all… every single bit of me… and I don’t know how to get it back… or if I can get it back… I gave it my all and I was still denied the one thing I wanted… I didn’t even get a sliver of it… no matter how much I wanted it and fought for it, I was denied it. I would have been happy with just a little bit… I didn’t need it all… but I needed more than what was offered because it was literally tearing me up inside… I just needed a little more… not that much more just a little… but now it has all been denied. I gave it my whole heart, body, and soul, and I was found that I wasn’t good enough… only a small part of me was good enough and the rest of me drove what I wanted so desperately away…

And you know what the horrible thing is? I keep completely blaming myself! I don’t know God, maybe it is my fault… but it def wasn’t all my fault… More and more was being asked of me and I gave and gave and was still denied the only thing I wanted, I was denied even a small portion.

Why? I mean I’ve learned a lot… but Why God? Why couldn’t I even have a little? How am I supposed to get me back when I gave it my all? My heart feels like it is gone… the only reminder that I have of ever having a heart is this excruciating pain that i feel that signifies that its gone. My heart is gone God… Even if I could get it back… I don’t know if I want it back… I gave it so freely… without reserve, without wisdom, with blind trust. No one as stupid as me should even be allowed to have a heart… and I did give it away freely… I want it to stay in the place that I gave it away… but it appears that it was thrown out the window without a care in the world of how it would affect me.

My heart is lost…

I feel so empty… so cold… please help me through this… hold me. carry me. I no longer have the strength to continue on. See me through this dark night… you promised… and You are the only one I can trust to keep their promise… because no one else in the world does… false promises are made to those of us who blindly trust and our punishment is the destroying of our hearts.

Be with me… please… help me through this pain… it hurts… so much… I knew I shouldn’t have put my trust where I did… I should have kept it with you… you never lead me astray… but the world always will…

I just wanted to be loved God… please give me your love… wrap me in it, cradle me like a babe because I can no longer walk on my own.

Please God, I need you now. Please hear me.

I don’t know what I have left… but if I do have anything left I give it all to You… I sure don’t want it anymore and no one else can protect it. That is if it is even worth protecting.

Please… hold me… love me… please…
~me

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Breaking a Promise…

I know… I know… I said I wasn’t going to talk about him anymore… but here I go breaking my promise…

I love to read… and watch movies… particularly romances… I have always been a sucker for a good romance… I use to try to hide my hopeless romantic- ism behind being cynical about love..

I wasn’t sure love really existed… b/c honestly I have never seen it. The idea that people could fall in love in a matter of days? Like Jack and Rose of Titanic? Yea that was pretty in books and movies… but could that really happen?

I think it did to me…

I love him… even though we haven’t spoken in almost a week… and we haven’t said any kind words to one another in a week and a half… I somehow still love him.

I fell so HARD for him. Everything about him, I loved. His voice, his confidence, his love for God, the way he made me feel, his passion for life, his optimism, etc.

We just didn’t understand each other. So neither of us were able to fulfill completely the other’s emotional needs. I know I hurt him… any time a problem arose…I just ran away… and turned to my friends who are always there for me…I had to save myself…I am ashamed that I didn’t think of him enough… but I didn’t realize that I had already fallen so hard for him…

I’m so sorry for the pain that I have caused him. He hates drama and I know I’ve brought way more drama into his life than he is used too.

But he hurt me too… I thought he loved me… He said he knew how fragile I was… but he didn’t… I haven’t felt this hurt in such a long time…

We jumped into it way to fast… we should have actually gotten to know each other first… that way neither of us would hurt the other b/c we would know where limits were… and how to talk to each other without running away, without avoiding, without having to do it via text, without misarticulating ourselves, and without emotionally hurting each other.

I want things to work out so bad… I love him… he has my heart… and I don’t know if I can get it back…

How can I fight for him? for me? for us? If I can’t get him to apologize? or even talk to me.

How can this man who hurt me so badly… still hold my heart?

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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