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I’m Done

I’m done.

I don’t know how to be done but I’m completely and utterly done.

Why do you have to keep lying to me?? Why can’t you just leave me alone??

So I mentioned Fred in my last post. I didn’t mention all of what happened, because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he basically told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to me was because his girlfriend (the girl he started dating exclusively one week after he “officially” ended things with me) had broken up with him and he “missed me.”

The whole entire time he was trying to get me to let him see me, but I kept refusing. After I told him I couldn’t even have a business relationship with him (b/c apparently he was trying to do that) because it hurt too much to talk to him he said “Whatever, I am done with the drama” so I reblocked him.

Turns out… that girlfriend who dumped him? Yea she didn’t dump him… they are still together…

I only find this out b/c instead of FB giving a blank picture to someone you have blocked but still have messages from (I wanted to keep them around to remind me how horrible of a person he was), they keep their profile picture now. And guess who changed his profile picture to his romantic valentines dinner with her??

WHY??? Why did he contact me?? Why did he lie about that?? WTF????

Seriously was I only ever sex to you??? Is she not giving you any so that is why you had to reach out to me??

How can you be like that?? How can someone like you exist??

I’m happy now. I have Max… so PLEASE stop haunting me. PLEASE leave me alone. I don’t even want the ghost of you to ┬áhave any more control or effect on me.

JUST LEAVE ME BE…..

 

 

 

….please.

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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Stupidity Part 2

So this past weekend was a double whammy of stupidity, hurt, and sadness.

The stupidity out weighed most of it for me yesterday, so I was able to get through the day… but today I just feel the lonely sadness washing over me.

It doesn’t help that half the office is out today, so I am literally physically lonely on my side of the office.

*Sigh* where to begin the explaining of my stupidity?

Well I guess it’s actually stems from my last post that I wrote on Friday. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to make something happen. One of those things you guys know throughout my blog is my lack of friends in the city that I live in. I have been making progress, but not the progress that I wanted. One person I thought I could eventually rely on was “Brad.” After all for the short time that he was in my life, he was practically my best friend in the city. And he promised that we could be friends after we had some space.

I know I probably did a lot of things wrong in the relationship. I know at the end I was probably getting a little clingy… but that was just because my life was falling apart (me realizing that academia wasn’t for me and not knowing how to fix it) and he was the only good in my life at the time. But you know I thought after some time had gone by he could be my friend again (which wasn’t a disillusioned thought b/c when I told him I wanted to be real friends when we broke up and not in the way people say they want to be friends when they break up, he said yes (even when I double checked him with that answer)).

I mean the romantic door was completely shut. It was over. I just wanted to be his friend. So 3.5 months had passed. I had given myself an “august” deadline that I wasn’t allowed to contact him until then (to ensure he had his space and that all my romantic feelings for him were gone), but after writing the post on being tired of waiting I thought “oh why not? I just want to be his friend. It’s not like I want to get back into a romantic relationship with him.”

So I emailed him an adorably witty email with lots of pictures of outer space and asked him if he was still in need of more “space” and whether we could start hanging out as friends.

It took him almost a whole day to reply, so I was gearing myself up for something not good, but I still couldn’t have prepared myself for it. He basically replied saying that no we can’t be friends… since we don’t really have any group friends, hanging out with me would be like dating and he didn’t want that.

I replied back that I thought that was a bit ridiculous. I have had several good male friends in the past who I normally hung out with one on one and it was nothing like dating. I told him I just wanted him as a friend and nothing more.

His reply to that was he was sorry but “my answer is my answer.” There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise.

He didn’t want to be my friend. This individual who was one of the most important individuals to ever cross my path didn’t want to be a part of my life in any way.

This individual who I will never be able to possibly thank enough for saving me and changing my life, no longer cared for me in any way. Those 6 life altering weeks for me clearly meant nothing to him.

I can’t tell you how much this hurt. The fact that he didn’t want to be a part of my life.

It hurt on a different level then from when we broke up. Because breaking up a romantic relationship I can understand. I wasn’t the “one” that was understandable. But to not want to be in my life at all?

Instead of the noisy, coughing, snotty tears, this led to silent tears running down my face all day.

For this friendship rejection just seemed to prove what my OCD often told me, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unwanted,” “I am not worthy of love.”

I know the OCD is wrong and I have absolutely wonderful friends in my life, but when this happened I couldn’t focus on the good (even though my best friend Riley was telling me I was wonderful and everything would be ok)… all I could remember was my sadness and loneliness…

So to add into all of this… that afternoon about an hour after I heard from Brad I then get a message from Fred. He wanted to meet me where we had first met… but I refused…

Well as the day went on I got sadder and sadder, especially after I received the second message from Brad.

At one point though I was angry. Why did I put myself into two relationships this year and put everything I had into them and receive nothing back. So out of anger and despair, I messaged Fred asking him if he ever loved me even for the smallest moment.

As soon as I hit “send” I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. I realized that I would just be opening up a can of worms. So I quickly messaged him back saying that I was sorry and to ignore the message that I was just having a bad day.

He, of course in normal Fred style, didn’t answer that question, but did respond back that if I wanted to he could come over and comfort me (even though he had no idea for what reason I needed comfort). Because I was sad and weak and just wanted to feel wanted… I said yes.

To give Fred a tiny bit of credit, he did stay long enough to watch a pretty long movie with me… which is a very very rare thing for him… but of course while he came over to “comfort” me… one thing led to another… I knew it would… and now I feel just as bad as him because I just used him to make me feel better… but it only made me feel better at the time and now I feel worse than ever… After he left we decided “no more”… but how many times have we decided that now?

And now I feel like a horrible human being because I had Fred come over and comfort me about a situation to do with Brad (and Fred had no idea that was it). And it sorta canceled out the “life altering” effect that Brad had on my life.

I was so so so so stupid.

The next morning I realized my stupidity and did the only thing I knew to do… I told Riley… she promptly yelled at me (in only the way best friends can do) telling me she was scared for my safety because Fred wasn’t safe. She has a hard time believing me that I know that… but I do know that… it’s just that Fred has a hold on me that I can’t explain… that’s why I told Riley… because although I believed a few post back that I could save myself. I don’t think I can… but that is why God puts amazing people into our lives. God saves us by providing us His love and support, especially through His other children.

I can’t do things on my own… so although my friends like Riley live far from me. I need to remember I’m still loved and wanted by them. I need to protect myself for my own good and for my friends who are on this emotional roller coaster as much as I.

I need to let both Brad and Fred go. After all, why do I want people in my life who don’t want to be in mine (or more than just physically in Fred’s case lol)?

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Y’all I have issues…

So originally, I was going to post this really happy post about how wonderful life is… because it really is… life is amazing… well maybe amazing is a little to strong… but I seem to be more happy than sad which is good!

But then I had a realization today about myself… and while I’ll try to post something happy next time (b/c this blog is really lacking in happiness)… right now I need to post this… horrible realization that I have had… that is nonetheless absolutely hilarious…

Y’all… I’m a slut…

I fully admit…

I’m a slut…

a love slut…

No I’m not sleeping around… but I give my love away willingly to people with no care in the world!

Seriously?! What is wrong with me?! Am I a masochists?

There was Fred… who I would have followed any where in the world… and when I was FINALLY tired of being used and realized that he was totally an emotional abuser, I finally got rid of him… but that lasted how long? 4 1/2 month ish? The whole entire time I was saying “HERE IS MY HEART! TAKE IT!! I GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!”

I was so willing!! so wanting! And it wasn’t/isn’t that I want love in return… (well I do but..)… I just want someone to let me love them! What is wrong with that???

Yes I’m totally quoting Twilight here but one of the Chapter Titles from Jacob Black’s perspective is “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.”

Its like I seriously want to be the wizard of oz. I just really want someone to take what I give them and be grateful for it.

And well… the reason I feel slutty… well this part isn’t as hilarious as above… but good and bad at all the same time… is that I’ve met someone wonderful… We’ve officially been together for 5 weeks… he appreciates me… he cherishes me… he takes good care of me… he is the biggest goofball and makes me constantly laugh… and he loves video games and playing them with me! He isn’t embarrassed of me and introduced me to his best friend who visited from out of town, and takes me to church with him… its been 5 weeks and we’ve yet to have a fight… he is so good to me…

but its only been 5 weeks… and what do we find? I find that I think I’m falling in love with him…

You think that would be good… but I thought I was in love with Fred 2 months ago… I would have married him the second he had asked me (well before he pretended to attempt suicide and failed and then got angry at me for contacting his parents b/c I thought he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere… seriously this kid needs to go on Jerry Springer…)…

is it just b/c I am a love slut? is it just b/c I want to give my love so badly to someone else that I find that I’m falling “in love” with this amazing new guy?

I love that he and I are taking things slow… but I’m freaking out b/c I haven’t heard from him at all today (and I only heard from him very briefly over the past two days… like not real conversations)… and I’m freaking out that he is mad at me… for some unknown reasons (well actually I have kinda of a reason but I’m too embarrassed to post it… but lets just say it has to do with personal limits and me telling him that I’m ready to go beyond those personal limits and him turning me down… and now i feel like he thinks I’m a legit slut…) and that he will do what Fred did and stop talking to me because he was upset with me and not tell me why…

But in reality… I’m sure he is just insanely busy with work stuff and is stressed and not thinking about me… because I should be confident in what we have?

but… um… hello!!!! I’m the least confident person in the world!!!!!

and so really… this could be all about nothing… but I’m sitting here trying to come up with all the logical things of why he could be mad at me and how to bring up this conversation in the first place… but really I just need to focus on the fact that he isn’t Fred and he wouldn’t do that to me…

and the sad thing is I’m 98% sure this isn’t OCD obsessing but just me obsessing about something that isn’t even real because in truth he is probably just busy…

but I just want him to let me love him… whats wrong with just asking how someone’s day was? Urg… I am OCD obsessing over being clingy… b/c Fred always told me that I was being clingy… and so I don’t want to be clingy to new boy… so I’ve only tried to communicate with him once today instead of sending multiple texts… but maybe new boy will think that I don’t like him b/c I am not worried that I haven’t heard from him???

And like the simple thing would be to just talk to him about it… but I’m afraid if I talk to him about fearing that he is angry at me b/c I haven’t heard from him (when it really is just all rooted in how I was treated by Fred) that he will think I’m clingy and dump me… so I don’t even want to talk about it with him…

Urg… why are relationships so hard!!!

Why won’t anyone just let me love them!!! I want to be a love slut to only one individual by golly!!! Why is that so hard!!!

***UPDATE*** Omg!!! It turns out he got his appendix taken out and that is why I haven’t heard from him!!! I feel so bad now thinking something was wrong with “us” when he was in the hospital!! Why did no one tell me?? I mean there are a lot of legit reasons like his phone had died and he doesn’t have my phone number memorized so couldn’t call me from the hospital when he realized what it was… or he left his phone at work b/c he was in such pain and didn’t think about brining his phone and again didn’t have my number memorized… he let me know the moment he got home though… thankfully his mom flew in and is here for him… I want to go to him… but he just had major surgery… I dont’ want to be in the way of his mom… especially in his tiny apartment… urg… boys and their lack of communication!!! Either way as soon as he is recovered we are having a talk about him contacting me if he goes to the hospital!

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… but guys… Karma is real…

So… please read the past two posts to understand this one…

Fred got in a real car accident today… this morning… his car was completely totaled…

Somehow he walked away with only a broken nose…

How do I know this? I have yet to have the heart to de- Facebook friend him. And he put pictures up like 30 minutes ago.

What is this odds of this happening though after yesterday???

First he was in a car crash and was in critical condition… then he was completely ok… and then he is in a car crash again with a broken nose and totaled car…. like seriously when you look at the pictures of his car.. I have NO idea how he survived… he should not have walked away from it…

My heart can’t take this!!!

Seriously talk about Karma… he always talked about not saying negative things like “Oh Fred you are going to be the death of me” (in complete joking manner!) because they may actually become true… and look what happens?! His roommate fakes a car wreck and he gets in one!

I really don’t know whether I should be sobbing or laughing??? I’m pretty sure I’m in hysterics right now, doing a combination of both. I love this boy…and oh my gosh he actually is hurt and in a car wreck… I want to run to him and take care of him… but I can’t… I need to get over him… he isn’t healthy… he is not easy to get over… but omg… how am I supposed to mentally take this????????

It also doesn’t help that my OCD is freaking out that it is all my fault b/c he was probably extremely upset this morning from yesterday… so it was my fault he was distracted… urggggggggg

My life is truly a comedic tragedy…

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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