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Monthly Archives: November 2012

I wish I could let go

When I was 15 years old, my best guy friend fell in love with me.

We first met freshman year (when I was 13) during band camp. My best friend Riley and I walked into the percussion room, since she was in the pit crew, and there he was, playing a beautiful song on the piano. All I really remember was that I was hot, sweaty and, disgusting looking (8am-3pm in the Florida sun lol), but when I saw him it was like I was seeing someone I had known my whole life. No I didn’t automatically have a crush on him, but I just honestly felt like I had known him forever. Through my friend Riley and just generally being in band together we finally met and started talking. Then classes began and we had the majority of our classes together… so we soon became best friends. I will call him Todd.

I don’t really remember too many details anymore of freshman year… I’ve tried to block most of my memories of him out… just because of the pain of it all… or maybe I’m just getting old and honestly don’t remember.

I do remember though that freshman year was a blast. Between him and my best friend Riley (who also became really good friends with Todd), I had a great support system at school.

I’m not sure when I realized I had the hugest crush on him. I think it was probably half way through the school year. Just being around him all the time, his humor, his talent for the piano and percussion instruments, his talent for acting (he was the only freshman in the history of the school to ever be awarded a leading role in the school play), his heart for God, and just his personality attracted me to him.

I know for a fact he went through the rest of freshman year completely oblivious for my feelings for him. Which was actually the way that I wanted it. My family being the strict family that it was, I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16 anyways… so my feelings for him really didn’t matter because I couldn’t act on them at all.

I remember doing everything with him though. We did all of our class projects together… I was always the one laughing hysterically at who knows what… I dearly love to laugh… and he knew every way to make me laugh. One of my favorite memories is of him actually accidentally tripping me (I’m so incredibly clumsy) and I ended up doing a full flip somehow. It was so hilarious. He also didn’t live far from me… probably less than a mile… so he often came over to hang out or if we had an assignment for class my parents every once in a while would let me visit him. We would also talk for hours on AIM everyday.

Sophomore year came, I was turning 15 that October and he was turning 16. I was just as much in love with him as ever, but we were nothing more than best friends.

Sophomore year was probably the third worst year of my life (the worst being 2011-2012 school year b/c of my severe OCD and the second worse was my senior year of undergrad when my OCD was severe but I had no idea it was OCD). This was the year that my brother was kicked out of my family and I had to pretend he was “dead” (yea… I told you my family is messed up), my mother was constantly crying because of it all, my oldest sister also started some drama because of the stuff that was happening with my brother, and of course I was constantly having to deal with the shadow of my other sister who is a genius (I don’t blame her in anyway way… but I do blame my parents for this rivalry). Riley’s mother was also diagnosed with cancer that semester… which was very difficult on her.

But anyways back to Todd… I’m not sure when things started to change… but sometime around my 15th birthday they were definitely changing between us. For my 15th birthday he gave me a present and a card… I don’t remember what the present was (it was probably something silly like a pencil since I was always stealing his b/c I never remembered to bring one to school), but the card seriously was the most amazing card. He had made it himself and it had every single thing that defined me on it… my love for Panda bears, chocolate, stargate, Mulan, and various other things. And the poem of friendship that he wrote and put in it was beautiful.

Soon he began to write me more things. He would write me extremely sweet letters to me. I don’t remember the content of them… but they were always so kind and caring… soon these letters started to become poems.

This is when, I started to get scared. He obviously had feelings for me (or at least I was pretty sure… I was never 100% positive throughout this time… I always thought maybe I just thought he had feelings for me b/c I had such a huge crush on him). I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend though and I really didn’t want to loose him as my best friend… so what was I supposed to do? And did I really like him or maybe I didn’t? I really had no idea. I was extremely confused. I do know though that he was coming to visit me at my house everyday, walking me to and from my classes even when we didn’t have the same class, calling me a lot, writing me poems, and always trying to convince me to come to some function with him (but I never could because I wasn’t allowed to go out with ANY of my friends due to parental restrictions).

One night we had a band field trip where we had to play outside where it was really cold. On the way to the location he handed me another poem. We had been reading Cyrano de Bergerac in our English classes (we were in two separate classes with different professors but did the same readings). His professor asked them to write a poem as if they were Cyrano writing to Roxane. Todd handed me this poem on the bus and told me that he just pretended that he was writing to me the whole time. It was an extremely romantic poem… I told him it was beautiful and tried to give it back to him but he told me it was for me. I kept it and realized where things were headed… so I intentionally tried to avoid it… Riley was near by so I started discussing something “serious” with her and tried to keep myself completely occupied the whole time so that Todd couldn’t talk to me alone again.

On the way back from the place we went though my luck wasn’t that great. It had been a really cold night and we had been playing our instruments. When I got on the bus… he immediately sat right next me and asked me if “If my lips were cold.” I misheard him and just thought he was asking me if I was cold… and I replied “yes my whole body was cold”… and he replied “would you like me to warm your lips for you?”… it was seriously the WORST line ever… I still laugh at it today… but at the time I was panicked… I realized what I had been trying to avoid was happening… I quickly turned away and said no… but then he picked up my hand and started tracing patterns on my palm… I didn’t know what to do… this was fantastic… my best friend who I had been “in love” with for a year actually liked me back… but there was nothing I could do… even if I told him I liked him back my parents would never allow it… and did I really want it? I didn’t want to hurt our friendship… he then told me that he had feelings for me. And that he knew there was going to be something between us ever since we met that day in the percussion room when he saw me and thought he knew me all his life… I had never told him that I had thought the same thing… the fact though that we both felt this… what did that mean?

I was so confused… so frightened… I have been a romantic all my life… but the idea of physical closeness with a guy in terms of a relationship… i had never in my life experienced it and was terrified… I told him right away that I just wanted to be friends… but I could tell from his face that he wasn’t convinced…

The rest of that semester just went in a blur… I am so ashamed that I led him on… I LOVED the attention that he gave me… I loved being with him… but yet I hated it at the same time b/c he was my best friend I didn’t want to loose him and I wasn’t allowed to date… I was barely ever allowed to leave me house! The only time he and I ever got to go anywhere together was just to the church musical with his family and Riley’s family.

I don’t remember much of the details of everything… but I knew I was stringing him along making him think that he had a chance… bc I didn’t know what I wanted… he continued to send me the most beautiful poetry, write the most beautiful letters, and visit me daily… he even invited himself over to my family’s christmas.

He actually wrote me a letter that December that even 8 years later… I still can’t delete:

“when you look at me what do you think of? when I look at you, I see a beautiful young girl whose qualities cannot be measured by words but by the look on someone’s face when they see you. in fact, your beauty cannot be measured by anything. it is such a joy to observe something as beautiful as you that you don’t want to minimize its value by trying to compare it to words. your eyes shine like two stars in the heavens that never cease to glow with their radiant gleam, unless they are filled with tears. oh, such a way it is to ruin such beauty to make one cry. if ever I should cause those two stars to stop shining and instead fill with tears, I would never forgive myself. if I was to choose to look past all that, I would see an endless journey into a world where everything I ever wished for can come true. I look into your eyes and I see someone with such passion for life itself and someone who has the heart to want to make others the same way. you face, my beautiful angel, has such a radiant glow to it that you light up a room with a single smile. but really is appearance everything? I think that the way someone is and the way they make someone else feel is so much more important. here’s the problem again. words. how could I ever express to you how I feel with just words? they are insufficient. to put it plainly however I say this. you are the kind of girl that doesn’t just care about you and your problems, but instead you reach out to others and help them with theirs. you do this for me and continue to do it for me everyday. you complete me sammi. no one else could ever do the things you do and fill the space in my heart that is reserved for you. you give me a reason for living. you are the reason to live. I live for you and only you. I love you. Only you are qualified to complete the rest of this letter by telling me how you feel. will you?”

He was the first boy to ever tell me he loved me… I loved his love for me.

I’m not really sure when things really started to fall apart but they did… he was dealing with unrequited love and I was his best friend… I didn’t know what to do or how to deal with it. We both kept getting frustrated b/c all he wanted was for me to return his love but I couldn’t even though I wanted to. I actually explained to him several times that I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 and even had Riley explain it… but it seemed to go in one ear and right out the other…

We started to get in a TON of fights… a serious amount… We kept putting poor Riley in the middle of it all…. so my friendship with her started to fall apart… and I didn’t think enough about her… I only kept thinking of Todd and I and what was happening, but I didn’t think about what Riley was going through with her mother… I was extremely self- centered. She started to turn to another friend… and flash forward to a couple years later.. a lot of drama occurred between them to the point that Riley had seriously considered suicide and had changed her life in a lot of ways… therefore I blame myself for Riley going through this… b/c if I had been a better friend, she would have never turned to her other friend and gotten involved with that drama.

But anyway I digress from the story of Todd…

Todd started to get extremely clingy. He was constantly by my side and I couldn’t ever shake him off. He was now becoming what I had declared in my self-centered world as an annoying presence… He was constantly depressed but there was nothing I could do about it… he was trying to get my attention by having “life crises” and I would try to help him because he was my best friend… but the drama was constant… of course he was also depressed because I didn’t return his feelings which was just making things worse… We went several weeks multiple times without talking…

It actually got to a point at one time that I actually made up that I had a boyfriend, so Todd had to give up. I was so incredibly mean… but I thought he would see through it… I told him thousands of times I wasn’t allowed to date, so obviously this had to be a ruse… but it actually worked well and he started to leave me alone… I’m not proud to say that I am actually a pretty good manipulator… Todd I think was skeptical for a while whether it was true but after I told him my “boyfriend’s name” and all his details and then offered to introduce them… he completely backed off. I purposefully asked Todd if he wanted to meet my ‘boyfriend’ b/c I knew that he would say “no” and yet it would show that I really had to have had a boyfriend b/c I wouldn’t have been able to introduce them otherwise. I really relied on that lie.

Riley though eventually spilled the beans… causing Todd and I to have a huge blow out… we had dealt with most of this fight via AIM which construes things as well which didn’t help.. at the beginning of the conversation he told me “you really hurt me you know” and I meant to reply back “I know :(” but accidentally replied with a ” 🙂 ” instead… it was honestly a complete and utter accident… before I realized the mistake that I made… Todd threatened me with bodily harm… Knowing Todd as I did I should have known he would never hurt me… but I was greatly offended… I was talking to my brother at the time of this via AIM and I told my brother what happened… my brother immediately got his contact information from me and chewed him out.

That is when Todd and I stopped talking. Riley also flipped out (rightfully so… I was such a mean, self centered individual)… and we had a huge blow out…

I had lost both of my best friends.

The pain I was in was indescribable… I had no one to turn too.

Because of me the two lives I cared about most in the world were hurting to such a degree that their pain was indescribable. Todd became suicidal.

I really don’t know how or when… but by the end of the school year Todd and I had made up… we were talking again… things were not anywhere where they were before this all started… but we were kind of friends again… Riley and I were not on speaking terms…

Over the summer we had one more blow up and that is when my parents declared that enough was enough… they banned me from ever talking to him. Even though we went to the same church and school and had all the same friends I was not even allowed to look at him. My father even went as far as to go to Todd’s father and tell him that he didn’t want Todd anywhere near me.

I never told him why I stopped talking to him. I just left him. Hanging. He tried to get some of his friends to talk to me to figure out why I wouldn’t even look at him. But I didn’t.

The pain I caused Todd… I will never be able to forgive myself… that summer he became seriously depressed and really suicidal… Riley kept him alive… but I had torn my best friend a part… due to my selfishness, mean attitude, and just uncaring self… my best friend didn’t want to live anymore…

Junior year he tried to corner me at school and talk to me… but I ran away from him… my family ended up moving a few months into that school year… I never even told him goodbye… we had one class together… and he knew I was moving… he sat in his seat waiting for me to come up and say goodbye to him… but I didn’t… I just left him there…

Eventually Riley and I made up… she forgave me for what I did… so we became friends again… and through her I still heard about Todd… she didn’t tell me about him maliciously… but because I asked… and because she had gone through the drama I mentioned above and he was there for her… I was indebted to Todd because he had been there for Riley when I could not since I had moved…

Todd and I ended up going to the same undergraduate institution. And some how because my life is such a comedic tragedy… we ended up in the exact same 15 person orientation group with an incoming freshman class that was way over 7,000 students… he was so nice… he didn’t say anything to me.. but he kept trying to get me to say something to him by opening the door for me… but I avoided him like the plague…

For his 19th birthday that year… Riley couldn’t think of a present to give him… she ended up convincing me to meet with him… His present was 19 minutes (a minute for each of his years) with me… so that he could get the ‘closure’ he needed… we were civil… we spoke… but I kept time… the moment those 19 minutes were up… I told him good bye and that I wished him the best… and once again I left him sitting… We even spent two years in the same leadership program of which I was actually one of the main leaders of… I still avoided him like the plague…

I didn’t know who to act around him. I knew what I did to him… how could I ever face him again? How could I talk to him and not end up on my knees begging him to forgive me?

Todd blames me for a lot of what has happened in his life still to this day. He blames me for the fact that he gave up acting, writing poetry, and writing dramas. He blames me for his bad high school experience because he was extremely depressed the whole time. He blamed me for everything that was wrong.

I deserve that blame…I ruined my best friend…

The summer after 10th grade was horrible… I knew he was suicidal and there was nothing I could do about it… my parents wouldn’t let me see him… and I didn’t know what to do anyway… he had hurt me a lot too in all of our many fights… even if I was allowed to speak with him I never wanted to be friends with him again…

that summer I went to youth camp for the first time… I was in ruins… I had lost both of my best friends… and Todd was hurting to such a degree that I constantly felt his pain… I spent the whole time basically in prayer…and crying… begging God to somehow forgive me… to somehow make things right… to somehow show me that I was still a good person…

It was from that youth camp session on that I stopped trying to care about myself. Of course I failed a lot… I fail all the time at it now… but I promised myself that I would try my hardest to put others before me constantly.. too never hurt anyone the way that I had hurt Todd. I put everyone else’s happiness before mine because I was terrified of hurting others…I’m still so incredibly terrified of hurting others. I want to protect everyone all the time even when it comes at the cost of hurting me.

It was this that fed completely and utterly into my OCD… I was… I am a terrible person… I hurt both of my best friends… Todd didn’t want to live anymore… I shouldn’t be alive anymore…

I know I need to forgive myself… but I never will be able too…

I recently thought that God had forgiven me… by giving me my first chance after Todd for love.. but it appears that karma is punishing me. Perhaps I’m still worthy of punishment.

My therapist tells me I need to forgive myself. I was young and immature… and I didn’t do anything maliciously. She says I did not ruin his life, but the way that he chooses to deal with what happened is what is defining his life. But it is so hard to believe that.

The time period of my life with Todd has defined my life. I will never stop trying to make up for the hurt that I caused. I will never stop trying to become more selfless… I will never stop trying to be a slave to humanity because I don’t feel as though I deserve to live.

I know my OCD is completely feeding into all of this… I had forgiven myself… well I’ve never completely forgiven myself, but I had started to believe and actually act as though I deserved to be happy… I had allowed myself to move on and just learn from my experience with Todd so I would never do anything like that again… but now I realize even more than ever how my life essentially ruined the life of another…this is why I can’t love again… I just hurt those who I try to love and they hurt me.

I don’t know how to let go of my past and forgive myself… Perhaps this is the punishment I deserve.

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Always

“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?”
“For HIM?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!” From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.

…………………..

I hope you know… No matter how things went… or what was said…

Always ❤

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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<3

Honestly
Written by: Carl Cartee

Could I let go of all that You’ve given
If it meant that it all would be Yours
Could I sit at Your feet and forget about me
And remember what I’m here for

Honestly I need to be broken
And honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundations
‘Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have
All that I need is You
Honestly

If I leave behind all that’s familiar
Could I do what has never been done
If I believed in You like You believe in me
Would You finish the work You’ve begun

Oh, Honestly I need to be broken
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundations
‘Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have
All that I need is You
Honestly

You’re all that I need

Oh, Honestly I need to be broken
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundations
‘Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have
All that I need
Yes of all that I have
And all that I need
Lord of all that I have
All that I need is You
Honestly

It’s You, yeah

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Hurts so bad…

My heart hurts so bad… like seriously to the point I can’t concentrate or even breathe properly…

I have sooooooooo much work to do for school that its unbelievable. I have no idea how on earth I will be able to get it done… even if my heart wasn’t breaking I don’t think I could get all this work done.

So many thoughts are going through my mind…

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Best Friends

I seriously have the best friends in the whole entire world. I seriously may not have been blessed in terms of romantic relationships… but I am extremely EXTREMELY blessed in friendships.

I have four best friends. Like I’m in all seriousness going to be best friends with them forever best friends. They are the family I have chosen for myself. So to make this easier to talk about I shall name them (names I’ve made up not their real names). And they are listed 1-4 with 1 being the one I’ve known the longest and the fourth the one I’ve known the shortest but that does not at all make a difference in our friendship… there is no friendship hierarchy amongst them. I love them all so much :). All of them are from completely different phases of my life but from the time we have met until now they have never “phased out.” They have always been there and will always be there… no matter how stupid and crazy I am at times :P.

1. Riley- I’ve known Riley since the 7th grade… we haven’t always been best friends… in fact we have been sworn enemies on several occasions. But she represents much of my past. She was there for all the awkward phases of growing up and all the emotional roller coaster of the present. I can’t even describe to you why we are best friends…we are completely and utterly totally different people… I’m pretty sure if you saw us together you would be like “They are friends in general?”… but I really think its more of an emotional/spiritual thing…we have very different shells… but very closely linked inward souls… we are very much connected and attuned to each other. Its like when we are together we have our own language and way of being in general… no one can follow any of our conversations (usually just b/c of the sheer history and the speed at which we are talking) and no one can really understand the extreme emotional bond we have.

2. Sarah- (who I have mentioned once when she was getting married) I’ve known since senior year of high school… I love this girl so much… she was the girl who was always there to get me into trouble, but to also get me out of trouble :). Sarah and I were both outcasts in the second high school I attended (her third high school I believe) because we had not lived in that town our whole lives. Our outcastedness originally brought us together, but something much deeper kept us together. While most people think of “yin and yang” when they imagine to opposites together… I’ve always pictured us more as a hurricane (I know weird analogy but stay with me lol). She is the first part that hits someone… she is the extroverted craziness that people are somewhat expecting and are somewhat appealed too… by the time the area hits the eye of the storm they really realize that she isn’t that crazy and think that she is pretty awesome. I’m the other half of the eye of the storm… very calm and gentle… I give people a calming illusion that things aren’t crazy on the other side… but oooo are they wrong… I’m just as crazy if not crazier lol… and people are like “ok can we be done now” at this part of the hurricane b/c they are just tired of the craziness lol.

3. Twin (I really can’t give her a real name… b/c she really is my twin… not biologically but like we are the exact same person)- She represents my undergraduate years… I’m not sure if we actually “knew” each other freshman year but we became best friends our sophomore year. My twin represents the person that I am and the person that I want to be. My Twin is the calmest, gentlest, most intelligent person that I know. We are also scared of all the exact same things, have had extremely similar personal experiences, and say/think/do the exact same thing ALL THE TIME. We are seriously the same person. We are even both in graduate programs (though in different fields). When people tell us we are similar though it makes me feel amazing, because I wish I could be more like her. She is seriously one of the best people on this planet.

4. Tajel- is my most recent best friend, for she represents my graduate school phase. We are also very similar… but I see her as a much more extroverted, funnier, stronger, amazing version of myself. When we are together there is rarely a silent moment… and when it is all loud and fun it is either because we are laughing hysterically at something or complaining most fiercely about something. I would not have ever survived my MA program without her. I also look up to her in so many ways. I wish I could be much more like her as well. She is everything that I could never be (confident, crazy smart, extroverted, loved by all, extremely hilarious, etc) but so desperately want to be.

But anyway… those are very very small condense summaries of my best friends. The most interesting thing about the four is… that I think only two have actually met… Riley and Sarah met the summer after freshman year when I begged Riley to come visit me where my family was living at the time. They all know each other exist but none have actually ever interacted with each other, except a very short time for Riley and Sarah.

I know media has always portrayed that the best friend situation (such as in the sister hood of the traveling pants… or really any TV show you watch that involves teenagers) to be in is a group of very best friends who all know each other… but I actually think my mismatched group is absolutely the best and most amazing.

Every single one of them come from a different phase of my life and represent that phase of my life in a nostalgic way but are very much part of my present and future. Its comforting to have four amazing people always there to support me and actually know WHO I am.

One of the things my OCD freaks out about is “maybe I’m not really me. Maybe I’m just wearing a mask and trying to pretend to be this person.” But having such amazing friends from so many different and consecutive phases of my life allow me to see beyond that OCD thought and see it for its lie. All of my friends have seen me at different times in my life… but I am still the very same person I was when we first met. And if I have changed at all they have seen it in a way that proves to me that I’m not just wearing different masks but it has been personal growth.

With all the personal/ relationship crises I’m going through right now… all four of them have been my rock that I have stood on… even though they don’t know each other, they have without even known it come together and given me a place to rest my head out of the water.

I love them all so much and wouldn’t be here without them. I have much more to say later.. this was just an introduction to my best friends… but I want to talk to you guys about how amazing they have been to me through all the crap I’m going through. But I shall save that for another day.

PS… They seriously are the best people in the whole entire world!! ❤ … I know that we will all one day be crazy ladies in an old folks home having the best time of our lives… even if I never find “the one” I will never be alone because I will always have them. I have four amazingly strong women to grow old with 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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My Current Playlist

I find that when I can’t express myself, music and its lyrics can convey more than I ever could in words. At least these songs prove I’m not alone in the sense I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. My heart hurts…

Playlist
(1) Gravity- Sara Braeilles
(2) Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy
(3) White Horse- Taylor Swift
(4) Wish You Were- Kat Voegele
(5) Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri
(6) Somebody That I use to Know- Goyte
(7) Possibility- Lykke Li
(8) Honestly- Kelly Clarkson
(9) Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson
(10) Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
(11) Nicest Thing- Kate Nash

I know I have posted several of these songs before but they have currently been defining my life for a while.

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Posted by on November 16, 2012 in Uncategorized