RSS

Monthly Archives: March 2012

My Abusive Relationship

So I’ve been kinda down lately…

Probably the combination of the cold, dreary weather, lack of sun and warmth, the fact that I have no will power to finish my MA, my ever tiredness and the depressing papers I’ve been grading lately. Also, my really good friends who have been visiting have left me. I miss them.

But I’ve been thinking… is this whole PhD thing really the right track for my life?

I really don’t know the answer to this question.

I’ve been pursuing this field of academia for the past 5 years… am I willing to commit another 6+ years?

Do I even like what I do? I’m not sure.

Academia and I have just had such an abusive relationship. Always being critiqued, punched in the face with a bad grade or comment from a professor, literally hurting myself in the field (I’m not graceful which is worse when you stick me in unforgiving terrain), feeling like I’m never going to be good enough.

Really though… is it an abusive relationship that I have with academia or…myself?

I know this is part of the OCD.

The belief that I am not a good person and don’t deserve happiness and all that jazz.

But this part of the OCD has been with me for at least 3 1/2 years of the past 5 years in academia. I can’t really remember what it was like prior to the very bad OCD. And in those first 1 1/2 years those were just basically taking general education courses, not my actual field of study courses.

I just don’t want to lose myself again. And since I’ve lost myself badly twice in the realm of academia… I feel like it will be cyclical and happen again and again while I am an academic.

But perhaps it will happen again and again no matter where I am in life.

I’ve just been on this path for soooo long. My academic prison. I had to keep going on this path b/c I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to not be good enough. I wanted to force myself to stay to punish myself for not being good enough.

Yes, perhaps the abusive relationship really is with myself.

My thesis (the first draft) is due Monday.. and I am still NO WHERE near done. I just don’t have any heart left to put in it.

One of my favorite quotes from Breaking Dawn the book (yes I am a twilight fan don’t judge lol): What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have.”

The problem is I don’t think I have anything left…. for academia or for myself.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

Blah..

Not fun day…

(1) Contamination OCD and the need to take Urine Sample at Dr.’s office do not mix

(2) So MANY undergrad papers/tests to grade!

(3) Master’s paper… I have NO motivation… and it is due in less than a week

On a different note, I realized something today. I’m really good at hiding my emotions.

It is like there is a line

Extremely Upset ——————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

Last semester… with my OCD raging as much as it was I was probably Here (*) on the Line meter

Extremely Upset -*—————————–OK——————————— Extremely Happy

When I am that close to Extremely Upset….everyone and their mother can see my emotions. There is absolutely NO way to hide it. The random stranger passing will know that I am not in a good mental/emotional state.

BUT once I am about Here (/), I make it look like everything is OK. Just Ok. Not good. Not happy. Not horrible. Just Ok. But in reality I’m nowhere near the  actual OK on the line

Extremely Upset —–/————————-OK——————————— Extremely Happy

So I think my current state is

Extremely Upset —–/-*————————OK——————————— Extremely Happy

I think I have been in the above position for quite sometime. And my therapist just didn’t really realize I was upset b/c I was looking like everything was OK. I wasn’t in my raging “Omg I am so upset state,” therefore, I made it seem like I was ok. I’m good at making life seem like its Vanilla even when it is not.

With my best friend here though last week, she helped me realize that the mental/emotional position I’m in right now is NOT OK. See… I even have a hard time about NOT hiding it from myself.

At the / I can make myself think I’m OK even when I am not.

Honestly… I don’t think I’ve been on the other side of OK in about 3 years. B/c that is when my OCD started but I just didn’t have a name for it, especially then, because it was just Pure Obsession without Compulsions.

There are times when I am happy yes. But it is just a flicker of a moment, not a perpetual state of being.

My therapist was a bit taken aback that I hadn’t talked to him about this before, but was glad I told him. I thought a couple of times about bringing it up, but I never did. I have always had this childish belief that if I ignore something it will go away. But that is the thing… it just hibernates… waiting its time to gain strength. Three years ago my obsessions were bad… BUT after about a year I was able to ignore the situation, which I thought meant I was getting better. So then last summer, finding weakness in my getting sick it tore down my barrier of pretense with a full raging power that I could not handle.

I realize now though after talking to my friend that this will just become cyclical. It will just keep happening. Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring, Major OCD melt down, Ok-ness, Ignoring… etc.

I must deal with the underlying issues in order to truly heal.

Urg… why does life have to be so hard…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

Faith like That

I won’t lie. In the past few years with my OCD, my faith in God has been tested. I will always believe in God and that Jesus is my Lord and Savior. That WILL  NEVER be questioned. But…there is always the question of “why do bad things happen to good people?” “Why did He let this happen to me?” “What was the purpose?”

As you’ve probably seen in other posts, I always thought growing up that I was destined for greatness for the greater good of the World. Pretentious I know.

My best friend recently described me as “pale pink” in color… and not in terms of skin color, but in terms of MY color. I’m not sure how to take this. She told me that in a painting one may not see the pale pink, but without the pale pink being added the magnificent painting would not be what it was. Even though one may question of whether that pale pink is there or not… the painting NEEDS it to be there or the painting wouldn’t be what it was. I have actually always considered myself a dark purple, one that can easily be mistaken for a dark blue or black, but still beautiful. A color of quiet mystery and sorrow.

I’m not going to pretend to be an artist… b/c well I am not. But Vincent Van Gogh’s painting “Starry Night” is pretty famous. And I honestly don’t know, but I bet there is a pale pink utilized somewhere in that painting. But is it a colored featured? No. Pretty much blues, blacks, and yellows are in that particular picture. But without the pale pink the sky wouldn’t move the viewer the same way or the town beneath it. The pale pink is NEEDED. So I can’t see my purpose. But there is one. The world can’t do without me, even if no one will ever know that I existed.

But anyway there is a point that I am trying to get at. I was recently watching the movie The Prince of Egypt. One of my favorite movies actually and a beautiful adaptation to the actual story in the Bible. The following scene always moves me:

….For the God of all the Earth, Life, the Universe to speak to me… like that…. what I would give… my heart yearns for it with all the fiber of my being.

I think the most moving part of that clip is when God enfolds Moses into the mist as if hugging him… telling Moses that He will always be with him.

I think it moves me so much, because of the following passage from 1 Kings 19:

The LORD Appears to Elijah

    And the word of the LORD came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

15 The LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

….

God was in the quiet whisper.

God is love, hugging us, whispering to us, loving us.

To hear God whisper my name… oh what I would give!

Maybe I just haven’t been listening. My mind has been roaring so loudly that I can no long hear Him. I so ardently don’t want that to be so. But I have no other explanation at the moment. My God would not and will never abandon me. I just need to listen. Maybe its possible that my pale pink may make a difference. I just need to find the place in which my Pale Pink needs to be.

I want to be used. To make a difference. But I don’t know if I can anymore. I just don’t know…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

Live, Laugh, Love

My Best Friend visited this week. I cannot express to you how much I needed to see her. It had been 2 years since I last saw her. We’ve been friends for about half our lives. There is not a single person in the world other than her and one other of my best friends who I can bare my soul to without fear of judgement, sit with in complete silence and feel completely and utterly content, and so many other things. We have fun together, yes, but her mere presence soothes my soul.

Her visit was short and her departure makes me feel as though a part of me is missing.

But I’m also mulling over a lot of things that we talked about. We discussed many a things about her, me, our lives, and so forth. I mainly want to focus this post on our discussions of my OCD.

I am, and she agrees, SO much better compared to what I was last year. My therapist has never seen someone improve so much and so fast. I mean I have had medication to help me, but still medication only helps with so much.

To go with the title of this post though, my change in life since last semester has allowed me to laugh again. I dearly love to laugh. While I haven’t found contentment in my life yet, I have allowed myself to laugh again. Laugh at my mistakes, myself, and attempts to have fun.

This is as far as I have allowed myself to go though so far. I have yet to allow myself to Live or Love. Last semester… I don’t think I was suicidal, but I definitely didn’t want to live. I still feel that way from time to time now.

The thoughts that plagued and tormented me made me feel as though I was not worthy of living. As I think I mentioned in another post… I’m still emotionally getting over my OCD. While my therapist has been AMAZING… this whole entire time we have only been focusing on stopping the compulsions and attempting to stop the tormenting thoughts (which I mostly thank medication for), but we haven’t looked at any of the root causes of these things nor have we attempted to help me forgive myself (mostly because I have a hard time talking to my therapist about this).

I have never done anything wrong, but I have a really hard time getting over the thoughts that I use to have all the time and still occasionally have. I have even for the past couple of years (b/c really I’ve had OCD for a really long time… i just didn’t know what it was then… I just had a major breakdown last semester) chosen my own self inflicted punishment: to never allow myself to really live outside of academia (to basically make academia my prison) and to NEVER allow myself to love. I didn’t (and still kinda do) don’t feel like I deserve to live or love.

My friend being here though helped me realize again… I am NOT my OCD. I need to learn to forgive myself for the tormenting thoughts. I am worthy of life, worthy to live, to laugh as much as I want, and worthy to allow others to love me and for me to love them back.

I realize now that we’ve only been treating the apparent triggers…but I have so many other deep-seated problems that I need to get through. I move in less than 2 months. I’m not sure if it is worth brining up to my therapist now, but I’m going to go a whole summer without a therapist until I move to my new PhD program.

I don’t know what to do. But I know that if I don’t solve these unresolved issues my OCD will just come flaring back at any moment. Medication only takes you so far. I want to be completely me again. To be whole. To be the good person I want to be. To change the world… even if it is just one life I change.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

Spring is here and I’m back!

Sorry for the long hiatus! I had a very dear friend visiting me this week and had an absolutely wonderful time with her.

I’m not really sure what to write. So many things have happened this week: my heart broke, I found myself, I got so behind in school work, I laughed until it hurt.

To begin with the first: my dog/best friend/ray of sunshine died this past Tuesday. She had cancer… we thought she had until at least May, but…. she wasn’t doing that well at the end. She could barely stand up and when she did she fell a lot. My parents went to the vet to have her put down. They stayed with her the whole time and sang our song to her “YOu are my sunshine.” I wish so much that I could have been there. To be with her. Because of my OCD, over winter break when it was still kinda bad, I couldn’t go outside to play with her. I was terrified of becoming contaminated (since she was an outside dog). Therefore I hadn’t played with her since August… and then I was in the field for most of the summer and I had only about a week between school and going into the field to play every once in a while with her. It breaks my heart to think that she may have thought I no longer loved her. She was my angel. I truly hope she knew how much I loved her.

……

ok, so before I start bursting into tears again let’s get to the happy stuff that happened this week. I had a very close and old friend come visit me this week. I haven’t seen her in about 1.5 years. I cannot express to you how much I needed to see her. For the majority of the week we did homework together, laughed together, watched movies, and went on a few adventures.

I have not felt so much like myself… in SUCH a long time. Honestly. I think her coming here has pulled me out of my funk/depression. I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to this new person that I am, mainly because I think I couldn’t remember who I had been prior to OCD destroying my life. But seeing her again and hanging out…. I’ve started to remember my feather light heart, my joy for life, and my love for others. Of course, I am now EXTREMELY behind in school work… but you know what? Its ok. I’m more important than it.

Its like the heat of last summer destroyed me, I fell a part throughout the fall, the winter I was ok… but never beyond ok. I was hibernating. Trying to regain the strength I couldn’t find. But now… spring is ALMOST here and I can feel it inside myself. I think I can finally begin to make peace with what happened to me and with who I am becoming. I remember who I was and from that I can grow.

It is a lot like dead heading roses. When a bloom begins to die you cut it off, so that the plant thinks that it needs to bloom again. I’m finally ready to bloom again.

I really hope this isn’t my hopefulness going to far. My BEST friend (who I haven’t seen in two years!) is coming to visit this week and I CANNOT wait to see her. I really think seeing her again will help me continue on the path that seeing my first friend put me on. I really hope things continue this way.

Things are looking up. Well… at least until Tuesday when I get grilled from my professors about my rough draft of my first official rough draft for my thesis.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Processing Information

Ok…. so this blog update is more in terms of helping me process some stuff.

Remember how I was talking about going into the field this semester? Well… basically on a whim I told them no. Well that is not exactly true… I’ve been dreading going, and I was really looking for an out. And I got one… a pretty good one I think. So I informed everyone that I wasn’t going to the field. I only have received a response from the project leader, and while he was disappointed he didn’t seem too upset.

There was just so many factors. I would be leaving school a month and half early! I have too much stuff I need to do in that time. Selfishly, I also don’t want to leave my friends that quickly. But I am hardly ever selfish. I have always put academia before anything else. The old me would have. The old me would totally be doing all this work. But I have no motivation. Even though I should. I am still sooo tired from life.

I am 70-90% recovered from my OCD according to my therapist (thanks meds!), but I myself am still recovering. My OCD may be better… A LOT BETTER…. but I lost myself last semester, and I am still trying to find me again. I am a new me. Not worse than I was, just different and I am still trying to get use to that.

I want to be the old me, but I never will be.

I think I made the right choice… but why do I feel like I ruined my life… b/c its the stupid OCD. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

If I fail, I fail. I’m putting me before my academics. Just this one last time before I delve into a PhD program. Is that wrong?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 4, 2012 in Uncategorized