So I’ve been kinda down lately…
Probably the combination of the cold, dreary weather, lack of sun and warmth, the fact that I have no will power to finish my MA, my ever tiredness and the depressing papers I’ve been grading lately. Also, my really good friends who have been visiting have left me. I miss them.
But I’ve been thinking… is this whole PhD thing really the right track for my life?
I really don’t know the answer to this question.
I’ve been pursuing this field of academia for the past 5 years… am I willing to commit another 6+ years?
Do I even like what I do? I’m not sure.
Academia and I have just had such an abusive relationship. Always being critiqued, punched in the face with a bad grade or comment from a professor, literally hurting myself in the field (I’m not graceful which is worse when you stick me in unforgiving terrain), feeling like I’m never going to be good enough.
Really though… is it an abusive relationship that I have with academia or…myself?
I know this is part of the OCD.
The belief that I am not a good person and don’t deserve happiness and all that jazz.
But this part of the OCD has been with me for at least 3 1/2 years of the past 5 years in academia. I can’t really remember what it was like prior to the very bad OCD. And in those first 1 1/2 years those were just basically taking general education courses, not my actual field of study courses.
I just don’t want to lose myself again. And since I’ve lost myself badly twice in the realm of academia… I feel like it will be cyclical and happen again and again while I am an academic.
But perhaps it will happen again and again no matter where I am in life.
I’ve just been on this path for soooo long. My academic prison. I had to keep going on this path b/c I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to not be good enough. I wanted to force myself to stay to punish myself for not being good enough.
Yes, perhaps the abusive relationship really is with myself.
My thesis (the first draft) is due Monday.. and I am still NO WHERE near done. I just don’t have any heart left to put in it.
One of my favorite quotes from Breaking Dawn the book (yes I am a twilight fan don’t judge lol): What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have.”
The problem is I don’t think I have anything left…. for academia or for myself.