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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Epiphany… bad or good though?

So… I’ve had an Epiphany.

What is my epiphany you ask?

I will NEVER be good enough.

No no, stay with me. This isn’t a sad “woah is me” post… well hopefully not. lol.

But in the phrase “I will never be good enough,” I have found my freedom from my continuous sleep (see last post).

If I will never be good enough… then why should I continuously strive to be good enough? All my life I have always been told (not in like a mean way) that I am not good enough. “You got a B on this paper, I know next time if you study harder you can get an A.” “You got a 96 on your test! Wow that’s great! This just shows that next time you can apply yourself harder and get a 100!”

Sometimes I do get those 100s. In fact, in one of my undergrad classes my final grade was OVER a hundred. During the whole class I was only ever docked two points and I gained both of them back with 6 points of extra credit.

The problem is that in my career path no matter WHAT I DO, I will NEVER be good enough. I will publish a paper and be criticized, a student will give me a horrible review as a teacher, I won’t get the grants I need to fund my work, I’ll miss a deadline for something, I might not get tenure.

All my life I have always been in the position of academia where it is IMPOSSIBLE to be good enough. Ironically though in every day to day life, when I get criticized for something I am not one of those people who take it as a challenge to do better. If someone tells me I am not good at something, I usually quit, feeling defeated. In academia though I have always striven to be good enough because I have felt that without academia then I would be nothing.

But I think being nothing (in non-suicidal terms) is better than the crap that I deal with daily. The only joy I find in academia is helping students and completing a paper. But I hate the constant pressure that I am not a good enough student or I am not trying enough.

Lately, as you may have noticed, I have been going through a depression, and have gained a “why am I even trying anymore?” attitude. So even though I didn’t go anywhere today in anticipation of getting much work done… I didn’t get anything accomplished. Well except laundry.

But if I really hate the path that I am on now, why have I made it this far. Why am I good at something (well good at in terms of getting good grades but people keep telling me grades aren’t the important thing in grad school), but no longer have a passion for it?

I think I once had a passion for it. During my first two years of undergrad (def not the last year…. the year of my thesis… worst year ever lol). My semester of my first year of graduate school was also pretty great. I was coming a bit of a basket case at the end of the second semester first year though.

I have met amazing people on this journey. People who will be in my life forever.

While coming to this epiphany, I was thinking about the path that God wanted me to be on. I realized I have lost sight of that path and I wanted to get back on it. But I thought “If this wasn’t the path God wanted me to be on, then why would He bless me with such wonderful people in life?” Answer: Just because I accidentally took the wrong turn, doesn’t mean that God abandoned me. In fact He promises in Hebrews 13:5 “Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.” That is a for realz promise.

I have realized exactly where I took the wrong turn. Second year of college when I decided that academia was more important than my love for helping others. I quit my position as Director of Community Service for an amazing organization I was part of, because it was getting in my way of striving to be good enough in academia.

I Love(d) helping people so much. But even if I found myself in a new career in which I was helping people (such as in a nonprofit) would I be good enough there?

The answer is still probably not. BUT I would still go to bed every night knowing that I have tried to do something good for someone. Instead of just going to bed every night knowing that I still had 20 pages to write in a paper that will really have no consequence on the world since I don’t hold a PhD.

BUT this is where my OCD kicks in. What if I do something on accident that ruins the lives of one of the people who I want to help? Such as accidentally loosing a file? giving bad advice? doing something incorrect? The idea of accidentally doing something that messes up someone’s life makes the OCD siren in my head go off. I know I would continually OBSESS that I have done something wrong, and I have ruined someone’s life because I somehow screwed up.

But maybe with the continuation of my therapy that is something I can get over. I am never as happy as when I am helping people.

So maybe God sent me down this path for me to realize that it wasn’t the path for me, and now he is redirecting me back to the right path. I just pray that this redirection isn’t taking the path in reverse but finding  a connecting path to the correct one.

True Fact: I will be happy if I don’t get into a graduate program. If I do, I have no idea what that means in terms of my path that God wants me to be on. If he really wants me to be in a PhD program he would open the door to find me a program that wants me with full funding. But what if I get this just b/c I have worked my butt off for the past who knows how many years. How do I figure out then what my correct path is supposed to be?

If I don’t get in. I am going to be terrified. Because I have no idea what I can do with my life. I have no skills outside of academia. But I do know I want to help people. Hopefully I will figure something out.

 

 

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Posted by on January 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

A Sleeping Academic

Life isn’t a fairytale.

No matter how much we want it, it does not exist.

I always thought that I could at least get a “Hollywood ending.” My thought process for this is that Hollywood endings really aren’t about endings, but are about beginnings. The beginning of relationships, new life after a great adventure, etc. Hollywood endings, to me, were always the prologue to the actual story.

I’ve tried to hold on to some hope and optimism… but as the days pass I find that I have less and less hope. I don’t want to be hopeless. I don’t want to not have feelings. I rather feel bitter resentment of my life not turning out the way that I want it to than nothing at all. Feeling nothing is scary.

But here I am. Sitting on the couch with a thousand things to do, but I can’t motivate myself to move. Its like I’m Snow White after she bit the apple or Sleeping Beauty after she got pricked by a needle.

But there is no prince coming to save me. True love’s (not that I have one) kiss won’t work. I’m not some amazing beauty/princess that the world can’t live without. I have to find a way to save myself, but I don’t have the energy. I’m too tired.

Maybe Sleeping Beauty and Snow White wanted/needed to sleep. To reenergize/ to reboot themselves. Maybe they would have woken up eventually without the aid of a prince, they just needed time.

After all even the energizer bunny has to get new batteries every once in a while. Maybe I just need a replacement battery. But its hard to replace your own battery.

But…. I know I can’t do this on my own. No one though is here to wake me up.

I must figure out how to save myself from myself. Behavior influences thought, so maybe I’ll act like everything is ok and I will be ok.

“I’m trying to be what I am not in fear that I will forget who I am. The mask stays on to protect me from others and myself.”- random poem(ish) thing I wrote a few days ago

I’m tired of feeling like this. I NEED to wake up. But…. not now… maybe tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Trying to Find My Life Again

So… if you’ve read the other posts…. you know last semester was bad.

I had friends, but I didn’t want them. I preferred to curl up in a ball and cry most nights. I let my friends go. Some still hung around, but it was nothing like it used to be. Before last semester, I had such an amazing group of friends. We  all connected so well. It didn’t help matters that two of the major players in the group moved (they graduated). So basically my group of friends moved a part and in my internal battle, I didn’t care. Don’t get me wrong, without my friends last semester I wouldn’t have made it. But it was more that I was leaning on them to help me survive compared to doing friend things.

Well anyway, as you saw in my New Years resolution, I am forcing myself to socialize. Today was completely and utterly a social event. (1) A friend from the field came to visit me and one of my other friends. I hadn’t seen her in a while so it was nice to see her again. We hung out at my friend’s house, so not only did i socialize, but I got out of my house!! (2) I had dinner with another group of friends.This group included a friend from my old group of last year, her boyfriend, and a new graduate student who I talked to everyone in a while last semester.

Through both of these events, I had a great time. It was slightly awkward because, well, I haven’t socialized in a very long time. I couldn’t remember how to act quite right and like my old self. I had fun, but I also realized how much I missed this last semester. I mean it was just a “semester.” But so much happened in my friends lives and I’ve missed all of it. And I mean missed in both “i  missed going to that class” and “I miss you.”

I feel like the worst friend ever. But I know they understand. But I feel like I really screwed up, because I have to get my friends back. B/c although they completely understand our friend chemistry just isn’t as it used to be. I feel like that without me they clearly found the way to replace me (especially through a specific person), and I don’t know what my place is anymore among my friends.

I want to be things like they were last year. Life was so good. But I know they can never be that way again. I miss the old me. Although I am a new me, I still feel like pieces of me are missing. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be whole again.

So here I am. After having a day of socializing and all I can think about is how depressed I feel. Blah. In trying to save myself last semester, I lost me, my friends, my life, and now I have to rebuild it all.

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

…..

*sigh*….. I’m so tired of being lonely….

PHEROMONES WHERE ARE YOU??????

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

School!

I realized I haven’t written in a while. Totally my fault. Besides delving deeply into what I’ve declared mild/moderate depression, I have also had to visit many nieces and nephews and also help my bff plan her wedding.

I leave for school in the morning. I wish I could say I was excited. Part of me is. But a LARGE part of me really just wants to stay home forever and have my parents take care of forever so that I never have to face reality.

Blah.

Well once I get settled in at school, I will write of my fun with depression (for a great blog that discusses depression in a hilarious way see: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/), and about my love for wedding planning (I really should have become a wedding planner).

But till then hope everything is going well with you!

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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New Years Resolution

So I know technically you are supposed to begin a New Year’s Resolution on the first day of the New Year… but that kinda came and went and I forgot. SO thinking about it really, I don’t consider Jan 1st the first day of the New Year. Jan 17th will be with the start of school. So I’m building a New Year’s Resolutions to begin that day. Most of it is related to my OCD and getting my life back on track… but some of it more personal.

This is what I have so far…

(1) Except on the Friday before my Thesis is due, I am not allowed to do ANY school work on this day (except the classes I will be in this day, so basically no school work in the evening).

(2) Use this Friday freedom to have FUN. Not sitting around watching sappy love stories or Say Yes to the Dress. Like real fun. With REAL PEOPLE (who are not my roommate and cats).

(3) Stop believing that I am going to fail. And telling all my friends I am going to fail prior to any assignment being due. This not only annoys them but also annoys myself. I know it all has to do with me being a perfectionist, which is related to my OCD which tells me that if I don’t do perfect my parents will no longer love me, I will be kicked out of my home, and I will fail at life. In order to be a perfectionist I have to be in a perfect state of panic which is why I call/text all my friends that “I am going to fail.” THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

(4) Have a life outside of academia…possible bf? (HAH! Not sure if this can happen)

(5) Learn to cry. I don’t really cry. Except when I am freaking out about OCD things. So prior to this semester I probably cried once a year max (usually when my mom yelled at me). I have such a shield around myself that I don’t allow any emotion in (besides that of panic and terror). I need to learn to feel emotion again. Even if it is just the ability to cry at a sad movie on TV.

(6) (a) If I get into a PhD program with money… to give it my all but not lose myself.

(6)(b) If I don’t get into a PhD program with money (which is very possible, especially in terms of the WITH money), don’t lose myself. Find a job. That pays. DONT MOVE BACK HOME. Figure out what I really want to do in my life. Find out about volunteering with the OCD Foundation.

(7) Loose ONE Pant size! I just want to be a size 6 again… I miss those days SOO much. But do this by eating healthy and exercising. Right now I’m loosing weight b/c my prozac has made me lose my appetite… which is actually bad b/c now I have extremely low blood pressure and don’t get enough protein etc. So I need to somehow balance actually eating with healthy weight lose.

(8) Get 8 hours of sleep MOST nights. And sleep in on Saturdays (till nine am).

Ok… That’s all I got right now… Long list I know… but This is going to be a life changing year. I can feel it.

 
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Posted by on January 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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hmmm…. interesting start to the New Year

So….

I don’t even have the words….

I had an interesting talk with my mother today about my OCD and how much better I’m doing. We were discussing the reasons why I probably have OCD, and of course we brought up genetics.

My mother is blatantly OCD, but she refuses to see it (it doesn’t affect her life TOO much… I would say its just a mild case), so instead she goes through the family line blaming others. I mean of course if my mother has it and it is genetic in our family other members would have it…. but…. she decided to blame both of my great aunts (one on her side and one on my fathers) who both had server schizophrenia

She said that possibly they just started out OCD and it developed into Schizophrenia. My mom is no doctor. I know this. She knows this. So I shouldn’t take what she said to face value…. but really? what a great way to boost your daughter’s self-esteem on New Years Day… “Oh yea… I bet its your aunts fault from both sides. I bet they were misdiagnosed when young and so it eventually developed into schizophrenia….” Of course she then let the sentence hang, making it sound like I would eventually develop schizophrenia and have to be admitted to a mental institute.

My friends… OCD (which is characterized by the brain NOT HAVING ENOUGH serotonin) and Schizophrenia (which is caused by  TOO MUCH dopamine) are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS. It’s possible to have schizophrenia and OCD… but one does not cause the other.

I know this… everyone knows this. But its great to see the confidence a mother has in her daughter’s mental health and capabilities…

There is nothing to do but laugh in this situation. So, yes, please laugh at my tragic life… I assure you I am. lol.

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2012 in Uncategorized