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Please…

Dear God,

Please pull me close. Hug me. Be with me. Just let me feel your presence here…My heart… it feels so empty…

Please God be with me. I need you so badly… it hurts so much… this pain it isn’t bearable…

I feel so used, unwanted, and unloved.

Please God hold me.

I tried so hard God, I wanted it to work so much. I gave it my all… every single bit of me… and I don’t know how to get it back… or if I can get it back… I gave it my all and I was still denied the one thing I wanted… I didn’t even get a sliver of it… no matter how much I wanted it and fought for it, I was denied it. I would have been happy with just a little bit… I didn’t need it all… but I needed more than what was offered because it was literally tearing me up inside… I just needed a little more… not that much more just a little… but now it has all been denied. I gave it my whole heart, body, and soul, and I was found that I wasn’t good enough… only a small part of me was good enough and the rest of me drove what I wanted so desperately away…

And you know what the horrible thing is? I keep completely blaming myself! I don’t know God, maybe it is my fault… but it def wasn’t all my fault… More and more was being asked of me and I gave and gave and was still denied the only thing I wanted, I was denied even a small portion.

Why? I mean I’ve learned a lot… but Why God? Why couldn’t I even have a little? How am I supposed to get me back when I gave it my all? My heart feels like it is gone… the only reminder that I have of ever having a heart is this excruciating pain that i feel that signifies that its gone. My heart is gone God… Even if I could get it back… I don’t know if I want it back… I gave it so freely… without reserve, without wisdom, with blind trust. No one as stupid as me should even be allowed to have a heart… and I did give it away freely… I want it to stay in the place that I gave it away… but it appears that it was thrown out the window without a care in the world of how it would affect me.

My heart is lost…

I feel so empty… so cold… please help me through this… hold me. carry me. I no longer have the strength to continue on. See me through this dark night… you promised… and You are the only one I can trust to keep their promise… because no one else in the world does… false promises are made to those of us who blindly trust and our punishment is the destroying of our hearts.

Be with me… please… help me through this pain… it hurts… so much… I knew I shouldn’t have put my trust where I did… I should have kept it with you… you never lead me astray… but the world always will…

I just wanted to be loved God… please give me your love… wrap me in it, cradle me like a babe because I can no longer walk on my own.

Please God, I need you now. Please hear me.

I don’t know what I have left… but if I do have anything left I give it all to You… I sure don’t want it anymore and no one else can protect it. That is if it is even worth protecting.

Please… hold me… love me… please…
~me

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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Perception

Some days seem to be not as bright and colorful as others… but beauty will come out of everything…

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If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that perception is reality.

How someone perceives the world, events that happen around them and to them… is someone’s reality. People obviously perceive things differently… so everyone’s reality is different.

You can’t read this blog and not know that I have had my share of fear, pain, hurt, and misery… but I’ve also had my share of love, joy, hope, and dreams coming true.

Still though… I always perceived my life in the same way through all of this. I saw it in the same colors in the same hue and vividness.

Cross-culturally colors are a unique phenomenon. Not every culture perceive the same colors. Some cultures only have two colors (black and white), three colors (black, white, and red), or four (black, white, red, blue (though sometimes instead of blue its green or yellow)).

Recently… those colors I perceived in my life changed drastically… things became became more bright, more vivid, more beautiful, more brilliant, and more full of hope. It was like I was on the crest of perceiving another color that had yet to be discovered. One of a beautiful mystery.

That small change of my perception was apparently only supposed to last for a little bit.

I’m extremely sad and heartbroken that it only lasted for a short period of my life.

Now though that things have gone back to what my ‘normal’ was… things seem duller then they once were. It is like once that vividness and beauty of that short period left me, it left me blind… in wanting of it back… in pain of no longer having it. Things don’t seem as beautiful as they did even prior to that moment of drastic change.

But… I’m holding on to hope…

Hope that I can once again find that new reality that I am in such want of. I’ve had my taste of it… and I won’t rest again in my journey until I can taste it again and keep it for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that my perception of reality can be changed again… I so look forward to that day, when I can keep that new perception as mine forever, and have that new reality full of constant and unconditional love.

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Beauty from Pain

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Individual vs Dividual

Yes… I’m going anthropological on y’all… maybe not so much since this is what I learned from a ANTH 101 class.. but still…

All of the past few weeks’ events have got me thinking.. about life, love, people, society, relationships, etc.

I think I never realized until just now how much of a Dividual I am compared to an Individual.

“The Western conception of the person as a bounded, unique, more or less integrated motivational and cognitive universe, a dynamic center of awareness, emotion, judgment, and action organized into a distinctive whole and natural background, is, however incorrigible it may seem to us, a rather peculiar idea within the context of the world’s cultures” (Clifford Geertz 1983: 59).

Here in the US… people see themselves as Individuals. Unique unto themselves. They are their own person. They have no one to answer to or to behave in a certain way for. They are only responsible for themselves and their actions.

Other societies around the world, though, the best example of this is in India, view people as dividuals, which are people who are fluid and open (in terms of physical, emotional, spiritual, and everything else). Everyone’s life touches others.

While I’m obviously an American and have grown up this way… somehow I think my soul is more of that of a dividual’s.

Touch has always been a big deal for me. Allowing someone to touch me and touching someone in return is extremely intimate. Its more than physical, its an emotional and spiritual exchange with someone, saying “hey, I trust you not to hurt me.”

But it is more than just me… I am more than just me… I am a compile of different people (in a non- multi-personalities way lol). I have to protect myself not just for me… but for my best friend, for my parents, for my siblings, for my nieces and nephews…

If I get hurt… it is just not me getting hurt… they are getting hurt too… everything I do affects everyone else in my life..

When a friend of mine gets hurt… whether it be physical or emotional… I’m hurt. I feel their pain. I try everything in my power to make them feel better.

Maybe I empathize too much? I don’t know. I’m not sure that is a bad thing though… I’m very attuned to the emotions of my friends and family and they are incredibly attuned to me. In fact sometimes its creepy when my best friends knows there is something wrong with me when I haven’t spoken to her in weeks and she lives thousands of miles away.

I don’t really understand it myself. But its something worth reflecting on and trying to understand in order to understand myself better.

I am not an Individual. I am a Dividual.

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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