So that freight train from my last post? Yea… turned out that it exploded in my meadow like a nuclear bomb…. Right when I was finally becoming so happy too.
It was as if I had raised the white flag saying that I surrendered in a war that I had begun and my opponent let me go free… only for that grudge to explode as a nuclear bomb when everything was finally alright again, when I was finally, for once, happy.
I’m trying to pretend that I am ok… hoping that pretending will become reality…
But to say that I was ok would be lying.
I’ve always known that my concept of love has always been a little shaky. I’ve never really had great examples of it in my life… but from this experience I know what love isn’t… or if it is this… then love is not something that I want at all.
A very different situation occurred to me 8 years ago that had the exact same outcome as this current situation. The common denominator in both of them… is me.
Maybe I’m the creator of the nuclear bombs… sure I don’t hit the detonate button. In fact I’ve usually run far away by the time that that button is even considered being pushed… but the button could never have been pushed if it wasn’t my fault for the creation of it in the first place.
:(. I don’t know what to think. I feel though like if I ignore it then I am a horrible person. I feel like though if I try to reach out to the nuclear bomb to make sure it doesn’t have a secondary explosion that my touch will make it go off. But if I do nothing it may go off anyway.
I don’t want it to go off at all… I want it to be ok and not need to explode… but maybe if it is going to explode in any situation, I deserve to go down with it (just to clarify: this is in very non-suicidal terms on my part).
Seriously… why does my life have to be so complicated?? I hate drama so much… but I can’t get away from it… I think it’s because I care too much… but what if my caring is what is creating the problem?