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Trials of the Heart- A.K.A Boys

“One of the hardest things about life is doing whats best for you, even if it involves breaking someones heart. Including your own.”

Why must my happiness be coupled with sadness? I’m so incredibly happy, but its hard to let myself feel it when I hurt someone else in the process.

This week has been quite the week when it comes to boys in my life.

Fred contacted me two Fridays ago. And as continued proof of our weird connection… I KNEW before he contacted me that I would be hearing from him that day. I mean it might be partly b/c I know him and his obsession with cars and that it was car week this week which takes place near my apartment. But nevertheless he contacted me and of course, me being me, I responded to him.

Well the good news from that situation is that I received an apology from Fred! An actual apology. Something I have been praying for because I needed it to help me fully move on (because I needed him to realize what he did to me). The caveat with this apology though ended up being really big: Fred did not “remember” any of the bad things that he put me through. He doesn’t remember faking a marriage certificate, he doesn’t remember pushing me out of bed because I refused to have sex with him, he doesn’t remember his yelling at me, and everything else.

So does his apology count even if he “doesn’t remember?” I’m not sure… but considering I had to reblock him because of him being once again rude to me and refusing to understand… it will be the best thing I will ever get from him. So while in my mind I don’t believe him, I’m letting my heart believe him so that I can move on.

During all of this occurring, my heart was hurting a lot and I was vulnerable. A friend, Kyle, who I once dated but then ended things because I wasn’t over someone else, Max, and couldn’t see things moving forward was talking with me. Long story short I inadvertently reached for more comfort than I should from him and gave him more hope for a “future” between us. He is a great guy, and at the time I couldn’t remember all the reasons I told him “no.”

But still I told him everything up front. I told him I had a close friend who I had fallen for and wasn’t sure if I was going to get over him. He knew everything. And I told him as of right now I ONLY wanted to be friends.

Well it turns out that the friend, Max, that I had fallen for had decided that he wanted me to. And yesterday, he and I decided to move forward in our relationship and be more than “friends.” I am SO incredibly happy about this. This guy who I have had the hugest crush on forever, and I was considering one of my closes friends, wanted me. Of course I am fully into this.

But that also meant I had to tell Kyle that I was now committed to Max and that Kyle and I definitely couldn’t be anything but friends. And even though he knew my feelings for Max the whole time. And knew I was confused about his pursuit for me when I had such strong feelings for Max. And promised me that we would be friends no matter what… he didn’t take my news of Max well at all. He refuses to be my friend and even “defriended” me on facebook.

So even though I am sooo incredibly happy about this development between Max and I (even if its a little awkward and scary because it is so new!), I broke Kyle’s heart… and in breaking his heart it has hurt mine so greatly. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt because of me… and it looks like I have hurt two boys in one week (if we include Fred being upset that I told him talking to him hurt too much).

I know I made the right decision for myself… but its so hard to be happy when I hurt others.

But still, I am excited to see what the future holds. Max has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met, and one that is much like my own. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for our relationship. After all no matter what happens in terms of our relationships (whether it lasts or not… though of course I hope it does), I think only good will come for both of us in terms of learning and growing as individuals.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Fred.

Fred,

A year ago tomorrow (the 17th), i gave you all of me. I gave you my heart, soul, and body. I had already fallen in love with you… But it sealed everything. You took my virginity. You took a piece of me that I can never get back… I hope you understand the magnitude of what I gave you and why I gave it to you. Because of it you will always be in my heart whether I want you there or not. I hope you appreciate that and understand why it has been so hard for me to let you go.

I won’t ever forget you Fred. But I think I can finally let you go. Ive had a hard time letting you go. I don’t understand why but I’ve always felt so connected with you no matter what we had been through. I think it’s because you were a lot of firsts for me (besides making love) and then I couldn’t forgive myself for giving all of me to you. I’ve begun to forgive myself though just as I had already forgiven you. And I’ve realized by forgiving myself I can have those firsts back because with God’s forgiveness He washes me as clean as snow.

Please don’t attempt to respond back. I’m just writing this as one of the final pieces that I need to give you so that i can fully let you go. And also So that you know I’m ok and I’ve forgiven you.

I hope you are happy Fred. I hope you treat your current girlfriend better than you ever treated me. I hope you appreciate her in your life and that you come to love her or another woman. And let whoever that woman is love you in return.

****************

Fred,

I hate you for what you did to me.

**************

Fred,

I hate her, because you can love her and not me.

*************

Fred,

You’ve been with her for a month as of yesterday?? A MONTH! I gave you everything and I never got a month from you. 

*************

Fred,

I hate me the most, for allowing you to be in my life. 

*************

Fred,

I don’t want you to get away so easily for what you’ve done to me… but even if I yelled at you it would just bring me more pain… and you aren’t worth it. 

*************

Fred,

I hope that after our upcoming anniversary that I will be able to let you go. I still haven’t been able to.. and it appears you haven’t yet either (since you were stalking me on Linked In!) even if you now have her.

*************

Fred,

I have been debating whether to contact you on our anniversary or not which is tomorrow… Will I feel happy, sad, ok that I contacted you? But now that I think about it… I feel like it will just be like one of my compulsions… relief in the minutes I did it but hurt and confusion after…

************

Fred,

After everything… I still want you… or the you I thought/wished you were… but I deserve better than you… in fact being alone is probably better than being with you…

************

Fred,

Tomorrow marks a new year… a year without you… without the pain you caused me… a year to actually find me…

*************

Fred,

It is unfair that while I’m trying to let you go you are able to penetrate into my dreams… do I ever show up in yours?

************

Fred,

It wasn’t all my fault was it? I just wanted the perfect romance… or at least what was taught as romance in the Bible… you refused to give me what I needed, but was it all my fault?

*************

Fred,

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

*************

Fred,

A year tomorrow (the 17th), I gave you all of me. Although we didn’t work out, I hope you cherish the fact that I gave you my heart and body. I hope you are happy Fred and that you love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

*************

Fred,

*************

Fred,

*************

I must stop loving him…

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Expression of Sadness…

How do you make your heart stop breaking?

I could have sworn he was my other half. That I was going to grow old with him. That he would love me just as much as I love him.

I still have a hard time comprehending that he is no longer in my life. The lack of real closure doesn’t help either. I think he got the closure he needed, but I didn’t get the closure I needed. I don’t think that is anyone’s fault except the fact that we really didn’t know each other as much as we thought… But everything I did know about him… I loved…

So just some random quotes that I’ve come across to help with digesting everything:

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for”- unknown

“God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you….Don’t run after them.”- unknown

“It seems as thought life has become far more serious since that time we were walking by one anothers side, holding hands, kissing, looking into each others eyes and telling each other how much we care… My life has changed… My heart is broken… But I question, was it already broken and were you just a weight that’s been lifted to let it break or was it you who crawled right into the center and tore it apart? This probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, so I’m crying, that is all.”- unknown

“I will never steal, abuse, take advantage of or abandon the people I love. My heart keeps breaking a little more each day. It’s cruel.” – unknown

“I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”- Yeats

“Now I know what a fool I”ve been but if you kiss me now, I know you’d fool me again.”- Last Christmas

“It’s scary to find someone that makes you happy, you start giving them all of your attentionb ecause they’re what makes you forget everything bad that’s going on in your life. They’re the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end you day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it’s scary to think about how easily they could just leave you and take the happiness away too when they go.”- Anonymous

I love you. I miss you. Forever.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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